Not able to access some body/brain abilities...

I'm frustrated.

I know that the we, as a person to the outside, have certain abilities. I do somewhat remember that we have this ability. I even have proof of some of it (like piece of Art, or text, or a job), but somehow I myself struggle a lot to access the abilities myself.
If I try to draw or paint it is crap, but my phone/ipad and half of a big shelf are full of drawings with style. But I myself don't know how to translate an idea in such a drawing. It looks at max like 16-year old us (which is often the age I associate with myself) was drawing.

One of the abilities I miss most is to structure creatives tasks and make keep focused on an idea or translate an idea that is stuck in my head into an actual piece of structured text and not just fragments. As much as I try, it just can't achieve it and it is super frustrating. Especially since I know, that part of our brain is totally capable of doing it. Kiran excels at planning and structuring and bringing ideas on a level which is realizable and still of quality (he is doing that at work all the time).
If I sit down to do the same, my brain is just empty, void, like I'm paralyzed as soon as I try to do it.

If I ask Kiran how he is doing it, I get just a "I just focus and do it." Super helpful... yeah. But he is our robot, sort of. He often say himself, that he feels like a piece of software, with the purpose to execute stuff.

But the problem is the same with other headmates. Sometimes I'm able to "peak across the shoulder" of some of us, like listening to Fae, when he is playing the piano. I'm able to watch R'lyeh drawing. But I still don't know how they are doing it and if I sit myself at the piano, nothing happens, unless I step back and Fae steps in and plays. If he does not appear, I can hit some keys myself of course, and even play a simple tune, but it is far away from the improvisation and harmonic and rhythm skill he has...

How could I learn to accesses the abilities of other headmates myself? They are apparently there, somewhere in the brain, but I can't reach them.
How do I tear down the wall that prevents me of accessing it?

- Autumn

Really short answer -- therapy, communication, cooperation, alignment of values.

I've been right where you are a zillion times and I'll be there again. It's frustrating but it's the way it is for us multiples and you know it's not going to change anytime soon. Or maybe ever without lots of the above.

That said, why not do what works?

But I still don't know how they are doing it and if I sit myself at the piano, nothing happens, unless I step back and Fae steps in and plays.

Your answer for the immediate present, then, would be to step back and let the others do what they're better at. Pay attention and be happy and supportive for them. Try stepping away from the mindset of frustration, it's a negative place and it's going to be a block to communication and cooperation. Be generous, supportive, proud of their abilities. Express gratitude that the others have been able to retain highly valuable and desirable skills for all of you collectively.

I'm probably just reminding you of stuff you already know.

Thanks for your reply

Your answer for the immediate present, then, would be to step back and let the others do what they're better at. Pay attention and be happy and supportive for them.

It works sometimes, that is true, but also sometimes I step back and no one steps in and for an example I stand at the stove and have no clue to cook the stuff usually someone else prepares.

And in some cases it doesn't work, because the headmate who would step in is wanting to do something different than I.
If I step back at a creative writing project, because I don't know how to break it down into manageable pieces and Kiran appears, then he will change and criticize my story too, because he thinks, that it is crap and he feels ashamed that he (because he thinks usually from his point of view, if he is present) was trying to something like that.
When i step back in I have a story broken down into manageable pieces, but I don't like it, because it is not my story anymore, but something dry and systematic that Kiran likes.
Or if R'lyeh steps in, I have a bunch of illustrations, but now has a macabre touch of horror...

I realize that I'm probably not doing this right now:

Be generous, supportive, proud of their abilities. Express gratitude that the others have been able to retain highly valuable and desirable skills for all of you collectively.

And I think it would help. I think that it was a big part in why stepping back and in, with Fae at the piano works so well. Whenever I am allowed to listen, I say thank you and appreciate his skills. That encouraged him to share more. But it is easier here, because I don't have a strong opinion on music and I like what he is doing. So it is honest appreciation.
In the case of the others it might be only partially honest.

You are probably right by saying "communication, cooperation, alignment of values." but blergh... that is so exhausting and slow and I'm apparently very impatient
But I will try, and step away more from frustration and anger, because even if it is directed at myself, it is also something the others feel and it will not help in being less disconnected.

I'm probably just reminding you of stuff you already know.

In a way, yes. But it is sometimes good to hear it again from someone. This gives opportunities of a reaction and new awareness

I wish we had a therapist, who could help us with that. But for now, we don't have one anymore. So I will try my best to remind myself, or to bother some nice people here from time to time

- Autumn

We have a similar issue. A part/alter may want to sketch but doesn't feel they can do it well freehand but yet when sorting though our spare room recently we've found loads of art work from years ago showing a competent level of freehand sketching and ability to understand tones and shading.

I think this was also Maddie's issue with her belief that she couldn't walk or Thea's that she was was still deaf. They maybe just didn't know how to access that ability (or maybe it was deliberately blocked for reasons only known to the system?) but not knowing we even had DID or that it even existed we were baffled for many years as to the huge range of skills we could do, could lose for while or suddenly do them again out of nowhere.

For drawing we found ourselves buying a 70's Sketch-a-graph' (remember them?) off ebay. some part of us is sure that if we learn to draw how we did as a child it will come to the ones that think they can't draw.

For Maddie's issue the thought was implanted into her mind that she was doing special neuro physio for her condition to encourage her to try to move more when the system felt it would be too dangerous to switch alters at that time (maybe others were about IRL or she was in public) Some times other alters were allowed up front to exercise in secret but that memory would be blocked to Maddie. It seems something similar would also happen when Thea was up front, giving some alters memories of always been hearing but Thea remembering the same time period from the perspective of a deaf person.

We have different abilities here too. We do our best to share them though co-consciousness and a kind of blending. This is Theia's work of course: she organizes the inside of us so that important skills and knowledges are accessible to everybody.

For example, anyone sent to do the groceries shopping, will automatically know how to take the bus, operate the card payment, and know the pin. But if we wanted to go really over-the-top and use the money unwisely, my guess is that she would cut the knowledge from us.

Some skills still are shared differently. David and Lust are the best at preparing tea and Zami, well... never ever let them do it. EVER.

The drawing skills are also shared differently. I tried so do a sketch of something the other day to explain something to one of my lovers... Let us say that I fail miserably at drawing if I use my own skills. But I also can do pretty decent paintings if I "blend" with more skilled artists and us their skills.

I don't have any clue if you could do that yourself/ves. Every system is different. But, it could be something that would work for you.

Good luck!

#Uriel#

Muninn wrote:Thanks for your reply

It works sometimes, that is true, but also sometimes I step back and no one steps in and for an example I stand at the stove and have no clue to cook the stuff usually someone else prepares.


- Autumn

When we decided we needed to go on a much healthier diet to help the arthritis symptoms the alter who can cook best got into batch cooking. They make up healthy homemade vegetarian chilli's, stews spag bols and curry mixes. They've also made up some healthy pasties with the ready made roll out puff pastry - veggie cornish pasty style (veggie mince, diced potato, carrot and onion) and chopped veggie cocktail sausage with cheese and beans filling (the littles love those too with chips!) and put them all in the freezer.

We do also eat white meat and fish so there's also fish fingers and chicken burgers in the freezer, stuff you can stick in the oven on gas mark 6 for 15-30 mins. Or if an alter wants a chicken curry instead they have the base of a curry ready to defrost and reheat and just add chopped cooked chicken to it.

We also use the pre sliced meats for 'sunday dinners' along with the ready made yorkshire puds and roasties so whoever's out sunday can make up a quick sunday dinner within 30 mins or premade frozen veggie toad in the hole is popular too (depends who is out).

We've made a group decision not to eat red meats or pork but allow chicken and fish once a week for the littles so they can have fish fingers or chicken burgers and fries. They will also eat the quorn style 'chicken burgers' too now, it depends who did the food shop and which supermarket they used to what we end up with!

We try and get healthy puddings such as fruit or yoghurts but allow treats (Easter egg at easter, ice lollies/choc ices etc for hot summer days) Our diet has really improved and in turn so has the bodies health and mobility! Everyone working together towards a common goal has helped communication within the system too.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, KitMcDaydrem and Uriel. It is interesting to hear from other people, who also experience stuff like this and how you handle it.

We are actually making some progress and today I had a really nice experience of "blending" and some sort of skill sharing with Fae.
I think he felt quite happy today, because the plants we ordered, to make him feel more home, finally arrived. He invited me to sit with him at the piano. First i just listen to him playing like from the "back seat". But then he invited me to come closer and we managed to not drift apart or having one taking over, but to keep some sort of stable being together in the body moment. I started to feel like he feels and thinks in terms of playing the instrument and for a moment I even could do the playing. It was still a bit bumpy, though, but a lot more skilled than if I try that on my own. We both felt quite happy afterwards, that this worked

I think it also helped to realize that sharing a skill does not have to mean to take away something unique from someone. He is still the musician among us and he has not the same style as I have.

It might be difficult with other headmates to achieve, because Fae already grew up with the mindset, that he is not alone in the body. The think we needed here was trust and... uhm, me listening after all. But it we manage to exercise this more, we might be able to adapt this between others at some point.

-Autumn (with a bunch of others closer than usual )

We're happy that it worked for you! That's the spirit! Congrats! - #Uriel# and others