Absent lately

Been a crazy few weeks here, sorry for the absence.

Started with a tearful call from my sister in law a few weeks ago, a fight with her husband... later that day she and her kids showed up at the house... she was out a lot, just running away from things- being literally absent from the kids and us... very stressful for some of us, similar to my parents fighting, dad drinking, mom running away and hardly being home... The kids blaming themselves, their friends, their playing, for the fighting... the "where's Mommy?" and "Do you know when Mommy will be home?" really struck nerves for us, very stressful for Kitten & Kaleb that suffered that pain in our life.

The following morning sister in-law was telling my wife about the fights, the cause(s), etc... found myself pacing in the kitchen almost shaking... I could feel the panic and hurt from inside, I assume Kitten and Kaleb. She described a hand-slamming event... and flashbacks triggered to Dad in a drunken rage slamming his hand through a glass cabinet door... the arm covered in blood, the vision of it bandaged afterwards.... Next thing I knew it was 45 mins later...

Pixie felt the distress and took me and whomever was panicking out of the equation. IDK who was out...

I couldn't tell my wife. It's her sister, in need... couldn't tell HER obviously. She's got enough to deal with.

Fortunately they didn't stay long with us... but this past weekend, a week later, we were at her house to pack up- they're getting a divorce.
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** TRIGGER WARNING**
The nightmares are back (Actually had about 10 days without one, imagine that!), every bit as visceral, disgusting, and shameful as they have ever been. I woke up at 1 am needing to change underwear from being molested in my nightmare, flashbacks of the monster from when I was 12... and hearing her calling me a slut, disgusting, and that I can't tell anyone what "we" did. As if I f--king had a choice?!
**END TRIGGER WARNING**
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so now I'm sitting here this morning just all screwed up, trying to hold it together... and hating that this is happening, that I remember this stuff, that this exists, that these damn dreams won't go away, that I can't forget... along with feeling generally disgusted and stressed about how I react despite hating it.

Everything just feels so screwed up right now.

Im sorry to read you all are having such a hard time. Hang in there.

Hey, Zor and all....We're sorry you're going through this. Are you in touch with your T?

We hope that you can keep posting here. People care about you and support you.

MDs

MakersDozn wrote:Hey, Zor and all....We're sorry you're going through this. Are you in touch with your T?

We hope that you can keep posting here. People care about you and support you.

MDs

We saw him last week, after the triggering events above, but before the packing and moving stuff- see him NEXT week.

So the day we were moving stuff... at her house the sis in-law said something to us, and used a term playfully and as a turn of phrase... "Girl!..." and Pixie was out... and got surprised... "Wait?! How did you know it was me?!" Sister in-law had no idea... Pixie outed herself. LOL
Thankfully, it was alright, they talked as they did some work around the house, even rode with sis in-law to lunch and they got to talk a bit then. So it was alright- a little moment of funny levity in an otherwise difficult and exhausting day. :/

Hey Zor,

Sorry you're all going through this, it sounds really rough.

We dont always have the spoons to respond but we're sending you & the others good thots.

Viola

Hi Zor,

We're sending good thoughts as well. That sounds so hard.

Hey, Zor, great that Pixie and your SIL are comfortable with each other.

MDs

MakersDozn wrote:Hey, Zor, great that Pixie and your SIL are comfortable with each other.

MDs

I was glad to hear it, too. I haven't talked to SIL since this happened, but I'm curious to. I'd love to thank her personally for being so kind and accepting with Pixie. It really does mean a lot to me.