Relationships

How has DID affected your relationships? I just got through a divorce and been thinking about whether my disorder had something to do with it. Just feeling lonely right now. I don’t think he was a good match for me, but at the same time, it sucks. He’d accuse me of stuff and there was always the feeling of holding back when we were intimate. How much of it was me? Wondering if I’d ever find someone...

It's affected us in the sense that we've never had a relationship.

Previous host was too scared to get close to anyone, kept us all isolated and alone. She didn't feel loneliness or whatever, so it didn't really bother her. We never learned how to make friends or be social or any of that stuff.

Now that she's gone, the rest of us do feel loneliness, but we lack the social skills and understanding on how to relate to other people. We make a few attempts to get out and meet folks but I think we just come off as wierd and awkward because we have no idea what we're doing.

Basically we never picked up the sort of social skills we should have learned like in highschool. It doesn't help that we're all much younger than the physical body, many of us are still teens, and have zero interests or experiences in common with other people our physical age.

So yeah, having DID has basically kept us completely alone and will probably keep us that way.

I hope things are better for you.

V1

Totally effected my relationships.

First off I end up in unhealthy or dangerous relationships. My first bf of 6 years was an armed robber amoungst other crimes. My second relationship of 8 years was with a guy diagnosed with NPD and a cheat and other dubious stuff. My husband (who I am now seperated from for about 8 years) is a rapist. My most recent relationship was with a guy who has no home, can't hold a job and to me seems creepy.

So that's problem No1. Due to having been abused as a child relationships I put up with are situations that other healthy people wouldn't tolerate.

Problems no2,3,4,5,6... Are that different parts react very differently to the same person but, I believe, still perpetuating the same abuse cycle I experienced as a child.

So right now I'm going to a support group, got offered a part time job (so I can quit the full time job I'm currently signed off sick from yay - I'm so happy about this it's unreal), have applied to join a community art class and plan on a few fun exercise classes. Relationships are factoring as zero on my list right now.

I tried domestic abuse classes to help me - hasn't worked. I tried confidence and assertion classes hasn't worked relating to relationships. I tried communication classes, therapy (but not going into the DID or the trauma on any deep level), reading books about relationships... None of it has made a blind bit of difference because I still will put up with dangerous or abusive situations for years thinking it's "fine" and it isn't.

I don't know if it ever will be but I think to get to where I might appreciate a safe loving relationship I would need to do that deep DID and trauma work with a specialist.

There are people with DID who manage it though I'm guessing.

It sure doesn't make things easier. (With some exceptions.)

My wife is in the midst of therapy now. Intimacy is certainly an issue...

Also the extra time making sure everyone is satisfied (painting time, reading time, puzzle time, etc.) in addition to 4 outside kids and work, and side job can be taxing. It's a lot of work maintaining a relationship with 17 (including Sunflower).

When Sunflower is willing to accept help from the insiders, things can go pretty smoothly. Often though, she won't and will "lock up"/panic over relatively basic issues like a flat tire.

I've spent a lot of time reading books and playing games with littles in an adult body. It takes an open mind and a lot of patience. I don't have a lot of people I can share it with either. Coworkers would look at me funny if I told them, "So, last night my wife's alters got in an argument. One was out, but the other got control of the hands and used the hands to hit the other one in the face with a pillow!" *True story.*

I sit in the bathroom almost every time she takes a shower as it helps to comfort Dinah.

Several will send me texts, but delete them on her phone, so I show her on my phone what happened. Speaking of texts, there is innner turmoil in the system with one who is resistant to therapy. Got a text asking for help with a puzzle, then another saying nevermind. Shortly thereafter "Please?" followed by, "Nope, just figured it out." When I went over to figure out what was going on, Emma was upset I hadn't come sooner. Just an average day of confusion...

There are good thing for sure as well. Meg will give me suggestions of what SF wants for gifts. When I get time with LR, the blah intimacy turns to awesome. Lou is a lot of fun to be around. AJ likes to do outdoorsy stuff with me. And overall my wife is more confident and emotionally well rounded in the past two years since we learned about DID.

experience where I was connected to a couple people anyway, really seriously and I did not know it, did not feel it, well, where other parts were connected, I guess.

It is really hard for me to hold on to the belief that people love me or like me, and so it is hard to have relationships for that reason too. Too anxiety provoking. I think it is the main goal of my system to keep me away from people since they were the source of the danger in my past and still are, and it has been very successful at that. Parts of me are excruciatingly lonely and parts of me are happy to be alone. I had a part during the crisis that did something really inappropriate and was laughed at by our therapist and I stopped going to social events at all for quite a while. I did not really experience her laughing as humiliating, although a part of me evidently did, but I DID feel humiliated that I was seen as having done the inappropriate thing. My therapist said it was not another part, it was wishful thinking...that was really humiliating. The part didn't really understand it was doing anything wrong and I find it humiliating that my therapist did not/does not understand it is not me doing tor thinking those things...if She doesn't understand, how would anyone else? That adds to the stress of relationships...stuff could happen that people will think I was responsible for and not forgive me. Which has already happened. I didn't even try to tell them what really happened because I am sure they would not believe me based on prior events.

-- Tue Oct 29, 2019 8:26 am --

I am having a lot of problems with posting. The characters I am typing are showing up so slowly in the window and then when I hit submit, about half of the text just disappeared. Sorry.

everyone23 wrote: I had a part during the crisis that did something really inappropriate and was laughed at by our therapist...
...My therapist said it was not another part, it was wishful thinking...that was really humiliating. The part didn't really understand it was doing anything wrong and I find it humiliating that my therapist did not/does not understand it is not me doing tor thinking those things...if She doesn't understand, how would anyone else?

Are you still seeing this therapist? That is very inappropriate and damaging behavior on her part. There ARE therapists who understand DID and understand that the thoughts and feelings of one part are not shared by other parts. I'm so sorry that you had that experience.

Thank you, TheGangsAllHere. I stopped seeing that therapist a couple months ago and am still trying to get over everything that happened to me. It was a nighmare. I may post about it at some point but can't right now.

Its not easy but its all about how you treat each other and that is the same for people without did I guess.