**Trigger Warning** Sexual issues

Allcoulors wrote:Do you agree with telling? I think its a step towards recovery and healing. I was very impressed and think its super super brave to tell!
I can talk about it in some way but there is also a lot I can not talk about (or even know about) not even with T or husband. So for me, that you all shared this is helping me to be brave and trying to take little steps and encouraging and reasurring other parts that its oké to tell and its oké to feel everything we feel.

I was aware he was... kinda watching behind the scenes... We have talked about it, too... so I was aware. I COULD have stopped him... but it's good for him, and me (all of us, honestly), to start trying to encounter, process, and get over this.

It is kinda like super crazy that sometimes it's easier with ppl you DON'T know so well... but I think it's cuz you have less to "lose" if they panic or like reject you maybe... and there's a separation of the like whole world (basically) cuz this is just online and not like face to face...

But yeah... if I wasn't ok with it, IDK that he would have done it. We've got pretty good cooperation and like respect for each other that way. I know Angel's a bit upset about it, but I will work with him... inside he and I are married and he KNEW about it, but disagreed... but it'll be ok.

{\Pixie/}

Ok, Angel is like more than "a little upset"... he's irate at Zor and I... I screwed that up...

{\Pixie/}

Where is the upset feeling coming from? From telling here on the forum or from shame or anything else? Can you help Angel deal with that? You dont have to post it here if you dont want to but I think it will be good if you all try to get on the same page and/or can forgive and agree to disagree an accept you have different needs and sometimes someone has to give in a little.
Written much easier than done by the way.. Still in the middel of trying this every day and hardest are the parts I cant reach but can feel or hear inside. Im not able to help them yet.
It is a big revelation zor did so parts /Angel also has the rigt to be upset about it. Keep talking with each other if you can.

Allcoulors wrote:Where is the upset feeling coming from? From telling here on the forum or from shame or anything else? Can you help Angel deal with that? You dont have to post it here if you dont want to but I think it will be good if you all try to get on the same page and/or can forgive and agree to disagree an accept you have different needs and sometimes someone has to give in a little.
Written much easier than done by the way.. Still in the middel of trying this every day and hardest are the parts I cant reach but can feel or hear inside. Im not able to help them yet.
It is a big revelation zor did so parts /Angel also has the rigt to be upset about it. Keep talking with each other if you can.

Mostly that it was shared at all... and online... "in front of the whole damned world!"
And I told Zor it was ok... this one is on me.
I've talked to Kitten and Kaleb already... we're gonna get together inside, them, me, Angel, Katya, and Noah... (Chloe is a bit young and does NOT remember any of this anyway, before her time, and others are not living nearby inside to be here easily at the moment) and we're gonna have a long talk tonight. "Family meeting" kinda dealie.

{\Pixie/}

Good luck, Pixie. We believe in you all. You can work through this.

MDs

Nothing particular to say but we really feel like we should thank you for sharing your stories.

We don't remember our trauma. We still don't know why we are like this when it comes to this topics (sexuality, intimacy, etc). But almost every single thing you shared (the feelings and thoughts when it comes to intimacy) they all resonate so much with me. I feel so less alone. At the same time we're very sad and angry that these things happened to you.

We really hope you'll keep on doing better and better with time. If not, you would still be extremely strong and resilient individuals if you manage to deal with all this still. We hope you know this.

Again thank you for sharing.

Mi & Nico

We're glad you're here, Mi and Nico and all. We're glad for everyone who's here.

Cass and others

From yesterday about 4 o'clock and still this morning I have 2 teenage alters with me. (me - I don't know who I am)

Slightly worried because it's still the same three alters, me and the two teenage girls. They kept saying ***TW SEXUAL ABUSE AND RAPE MENTIONED** "I don't want to have sex. I've been raped enough by my dad" "and mum" I told them that he isn't like that. They said but what if I can't say no and I said I'll say it. Patrick said I'll f####### tell him if you don't. So it was basically ok last night.

So irritating. I knew exactly how I wanted to say this and now it's gone. Trying to get it back from wherever it's gone. **TW RAPE AND SEXUAL ABUSE**

These two teenage alters are frightened of the bf in a sexual way. They said they haven't had sex since being raped by our parents. I tried thinking of other bfs. They remembered our first bf but only cuddling him. They remembered our second bf, there wasn't much sex in that relationship anyway, they remembered being far away from him. Tried to think of other men but couldn't so I guess they are right in how they are remembering their stuff. They are 12 and 13.

They feel like, it's an odd feeling, I've not had this before, that anything sexual would retraumatise them and they'd split again. I think No-one is a split of them from when we were drugged and raped. That's how that feels. They know her and they like her. No-one reported the drug thing but too late. She remembers being raped by our father at 19 but she was very hard faced about it and basically told him she was gonna hold it over him for her whole life or until it suited her. No-one hadn't been around since our early 20's, I already knew that, 27 at the oldest until really recently.

Just before the police call was made Paul and Lilly showed up. I remembered them, like forgotten people the twins had made up but when they showed up I knew them. They're internal story is that they were abused by their parents, ran away at 11 or 12 and became drug addicts. I was always trying to run away and I did smoke weed and took speed for a while but they see themselves at "they lived on the streets and were drug addicts" Despite only remembering Paul being around when I was a kid he's basically grown up somehow. The twins apparently put them in a "jungle" to live so they aren't on drugs anymore and are reasonably sensible.

Anyway these two teenage girl alters, 12 and 13. They would be severely retraumatised by sex - that's it I remember.. was cuddling bf, they wanted to, they like physical contact. There was no physical signs of affection in my childhood ever. So we were cuddling the bf. They felt like they had to touch him sexually but I knew they didn't want to. I told them no, you don't have to do that. Their thoughts were getting very confused and they felt like the bf was our dad. As I said there was no physical contact in my childhood, I thought, so any physical contact must have always involved sex because they thought they "had to" satisfy the bf sexually because they were cuddling him. I told them they didn't have to and they listened. They liked the cuddling. I am concerned about if they have sex at some point by accident they will be retraumatised, split again and blame the bf.

I thought about Mandy in relation to this. She is a completely different feeling. She's a child who woke up one day in a woman's body. She realised she was in a woman's body and does whatever she wants. She realised she can go where she wants, whenever she wants. And she has. She doesn't feel bad about anything other than feeling she is more "stupid" than other parts because she doesn't know stuff they know. So I still don't feel it's necessary to worry about her.

These two teenage alters I'm worried about. I'm not worried about the fragments - the parts trapped in horrible childhood trauma because they're fragments. They can't stay in the body long other than to re-experience trauma and they can't develope or split more. They relive. Yes that's awful but I wouldn't know how to begin to help them so I can't worry about them.

The two teenage girls that are about remember friends, certain ones, they remember trauma, they have veiws and likes and dislikes - not like the fragments who are all before age 11 roughly. These teenage alters could go either way - grow develop emotionally and mentally or split again. I need to be really careful of them.

Allcoulors wrote:Where is the upset feeling coming from? From telling here on the forum or from shame or anything else? Can you help Angel deal with that? You dont have to post it here if you dont want to but I think it will be good if you all try to get on the same page and/or can forgive and agree to disagree an accept you have different needs and sometimes someone has to give in a little.
Written much easier than done by the way.. Still in the middel of trying this every day and hardest are the parts I cant reach but can feel or hear inside. Im not able to help them yet.
It is a big revelation zor did so parts /Angel also has the rigt to be upset about it. Keep talking with each other if you can.

So Angel and I talked... everyone inside that's close geographically (except Chloe cuz of her being younger and not around for the stuff we posted about above) talked. SOOOO wish we could figure out how to get Zor inside so he can be at these like meeting thingies... and since then, Angel replied again in the journal and there's a little more now...

So he's not "mad" anymore, but still a lot hurt... mostly that it's "out" and the "whole world knows"... a lot of it is cuz a bunch was when we were super little and we barely remember it - mostly just the nightmare(s) about it... and the later thingy that we talked about above...

well he added that it's harder being a boy, cuz they're supposed to be like fighters, stronger, not the helpless weak type to be a victim, especially not TO A GIRL... and the monster that hurt us later was a girl...
and he talked about how that was hard, and cuz he can't BE himself out... so what if he likes skirts and girl stuff as much as he likes jeans and guns... nail polish and some makeup (think dark grunge/emo look- but he doesn't like EMO music, that's so my thing)... things he CAN'T do and be outside cuz of like the evil hateful mean looks and comments we'd get...

so there's a lot of shame, hurt, and like not even begun to process pain from being hurt... cuz he says it took years to bury, to forget, and "be something normal". to not show he likes that stuff I just mentioned... I think some of it is cuz she hurt just boys... Zor- via Angel and even me... her own brother... etc.

but it's who we are cuz of it, right? Angel wearing and liking what he does...

Anyhow, I'm getting off on a tangent- so yeah, it's a lot deeper than just "mad you shared"... but it's cuz it exposed the hurt and he still struggles to handle it- we're so working on that. But I think it's gonna be a long and hard time to get him to open up.

{\Pixie/}