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Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Thu May 19, 2022 12:10 am

whole lotta stuffs happened lately & figure we should record some of it here.

we visited with the mother about a week ago. 1st time seeing her in like 18 months. in like 9 months we barely talked to her, don't answer her calls, dont read her emails. we needed to completely cut her off for a while to have some space. anyways visiting her was our choice, our suggestion. we wanted to test ourself to see if we could be with her for a while without getting sucked into the old behavior patterns & manipulations. and we did it.

it was super tiring, like Em was on guard the whole time.we had one bit of idk dysregulation, felt like an anxiety attack starting up. we think it was someone inside sort of woke up & realized where we were & started to freak out, but we managed to calm things down before it got overwhelming, & we were ok after that.

she still did stuff that upset us & when we called her on one of the things she had a bunch of excuses rather than just owning up to it. and she still won't respect our boundaries, but with Em on high alert we were able to mostly keep ourselves protected anyways.

still not gonna make a habit of seeing / talking / dealing with her, but it felt like a victory.

other stuff... i (viola) have noticed (again, i keep figuring this out then forgetting) that there's more than one of me. i mean like, more than one viola. like there's five of me maybe & we all think we're the only viola except when we remember there's a bunch of us. we have distinct & consistent traits. most of us are 17yo catgirls, but like we have different maturity levels & different interests & stuff. some of us are the writer(s) while at least one of us thinks everything we've written is worthless trash.

maybe we're a subsystem? idk. maybe its part of the whole polyfragmented thing? one thing we've been thinking is like, maybe the collective of violas could someday fuse or integrate to just one viola cos that'd be helpful. except there's like, opposing viewpoints o some things & we dont know how that gets resolved.

beyond that, i guess it feels like in a singleton this would just be different moods? like sometimes they'd feel studious, sometimes they'd be playful, sometimes they'd be productive, whatever. it feels kinda like that? except instead of one viola with different moods, theres like 5 violas who're just similar but different. memories aren't always shared, thats how we figure there's a group of us. that & the differing viewpoints.

tentatively calling this a victory tho anyways cos like we're aware of it (as long as we don't forget again) & that awareness means we're less separate i think? there was something else i was going to say... uh, awareness means we can kinda communicate a bit? negotiate? idk.

we're still failing badly at adulting. doing a bad job with work, getting customers angry at us & thinking about quitting completely if we can figure out how to make things go without the job. we're able to make plans but aren't good at following through on plans. otoh we're great at worrying about all the bad things that will happen when we fail to follow through at plans. so gonna call this a fail for now.

recently we sort of noticed our outside body & physical health is crap. we weren't paying attention i guess for like 6 months & its really gone downhill. that upset & scared us & we really want to fix it but its scary & overwhelming & hard to remember the outside body is a thing we need to worry about. we want to, but its hard. so calling it another fail for now.

and gonna end on a high note. we are in 2 long-distance relationships. both are with other plural systems. the 1st is mostly viola (or team viola lol) is girlfriends with the (host?) of another system. the other is more like all our front team is girlfriends with all their front team. that ones more complicated on paper but works better in practice cos it doesnt matter who's fronting, we all love each other.

anyways the long distance part sucks but its basically our 1st experiences in relationships & its scary but in a good way. we're happy & i guess it also helps learn some good attachment things? either way we're calling it a big win.

theres probably alot more but thats all we can think of atm.

-various violas & others

p.s just remembered another thing! we' have these moments now & then were we're so blatantly aware of being plural, but not in a bad way. like girlfriend asks us a serious question & there's like 2 different camps shouting opposing answers back & forth across our brain & we're like, how could we ever doubt being multiple lol. but like we're aware of it happening so we can just tell her we dont have an answer yet. instead of just being caught unable to decide & freaking out & stuff. like previous host just avoided those situations (& ended up avoiding people in general) cos she didn't know & couldn't handle it. so we call this a win as well!
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Vanessa(13f); Viola(17f); et multa magis
DID, general anxiety; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri May 20, 2022 11:24 am

A lot of good things, I'm happy for you!

It's not unheard of to have a few parts with similar or identical identity. I guess it can count as a sub-system. I have/had a few, same for my girlfriend. It is confusing to discover it but it's okay. Better to know it than to ignore it and dont understand what is going on!

Congratulations on the relationships! Yes, it helps a lot in creating healthy and safe interactions with others. The relationship I built with my girlfriend (also DID) helps us both a lot. It teaches safe attachment, communication, trust, but also, how to set and maintain boundaries in a healthy way. It's super nice!

You are all awesome. It's great to have some news from you!
Autistic | ADHD | DID | transmasc (they/them & he/him)

System host/umbrella identity: Morwan

Journey thread | DID ressources thread

This too shall pass. It shall pass like a kidney stone, but it shall pass.
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby fireheart » Fri May 20, 2022 3:41 pm

Nice to hear from you. :)
I think it's really cool that you were able to keep such strong boundaries with the mother and figuring out more about the system. And the relationships!
Wishing you all the best for the work stuff and physical stuff. Did the money issues get a little bit better?
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