Different Views/Beliefs/Practices

How do you guys handle the variance in your system with different beliefs, practices, etc.

For example, a couple of our system are Catholic, a couple are very Orthodox Jewish (messianic, but nonetheless), some are mainline Non-denomination Christian, and others are even more liberal leaning...

Small things like eating kosher, avoiding bacon, pepperoni, etc is KEY to some for their beliefs and character as their faith is so deeply devoutly held. For others, this isn't a matter of faith or practice...

What do you guys do with these sorts of contradictions? Let each live them out when they are out and not impose on others? Not push others or force everyone to do something? How do you hand the contradictions that it creates in behavior in front of people that don't know about the DID and alters, much less their varied beliefs?

The above is a small, minor, case... but it's just a single of dozens of cases I could mention- some of them are serious issues, like clothing, shaving legs, growing hair longer, etc... not just who would feel comfortable/uncomfortable but like who would consider some of these a moral issue maybe.

How have you found success in navigating these complex issues, these sometimes seriously deep held beliefs/opinions in various alters?

none of us are of faith so i won't go into that topic, but when it comes to other things, like how we look/behave outwardly, i think it's mostly about compromising and talking to each other about things.

one of us - jones - is a guy. the body looks and feels wrong to him. he knows i'd be uncomfortable if we went on HRT / had surgery / cut our hair differently / etc. because i'm really comfortable with being a woman, but equally he can't handle fronting if he has to look/dress like i do, so our compromise is he has a binder to make our chest flat, and a packer to help with downstairs stuff, and his own clothes to wear when he fronts. i also don't shave because i can wear tights / long sleeves to get away with that, and it's not a major issue to me. that compromise means we can both front and feel comfortable enough to not be majorly depressed / uncomfortable.

it took some time to adjust to this though. initially, i was terrified of people seeing jones while he's fronting and thinking /i/ am the one who identifies as a man. honestly though? no-one cares. most people just assume i'm having a comfy clothes day (and let's be real here, men's jeans especially are so comfy, and the bigger pockets? amazing). i know that's a lot easier for us though because people are more accepting of women dressing masculine than the other way around.

either way, i think it's about respecting each other's needs / beliefs / etc. and having the communication in place to compromise. if one of you would be super upset about the body eating something specific, is it really gonna ruin the others' lives to not eat that thing anymore? it's not about being forced to have the same belief or faith, it's just about respecting someone else's belief/faith and understanding that sharing a body means you have to compromise sometimes. same with outward appearance - compromises mean that, hopefully, there's less resentment and discomfort because everyone has been listened to and a solution that mostly works can be put in place and adjusted as needed.

i don't know if this helps, but this is the set-up we have and it works well for us.

- alice

we wrote about how we do it here https://www.dis-sos.com/improving-relationships-with-tara/
the main thing is that it can't be the goal to agree on a view/belief/practice. the goal has to be to be a team. that is totally possible without agreeing and our appreciation for each other will give us some space to be ourselves.

Thanks guys. It's really an awkward thing to have to try and sort through... One of the "challenges" of life unique to us multiples, right? lol

We have religious differences. Generally Christian and non Christian. Our non Christian ones seem to be more lenient. They welcome all to join in practices, even the young ones who don't understand the dogmatic differences. We were born & raised Irish Catholic. Attended Catholic schools with Mass every morning. Not the most malleable. They have fought wars!!! Those that want to follow that regiment, the others don't object but opt to not join in. There are those that love to discuss philosophy & are very open minded. A new thing we are trying...very new...is if something affects more than one of us, those affected need to vote or work out compromise between them selves. Obviously, there is a lot of cognitive dissonance when viewed from the outside. We just ignore it.

Hi,

I totally agree with birdsong.

There's also a difference between disagreeing and just like it not being your thing. In our system Raven has this spiritual practice and we mostly make room for it because he's part of the team.

Sometimes someone disagrees. Then they have to work it out. We have to talk about how important it is and if maybe we can do it sometimes and not others. Also we know we're just not going to be super consistent on some things.

Iain

This is a great topic, and we've been debating whether to respond, as there are some differences within our system that we are not ready to deal with yet.

We have a variety of spiritual beliefs and, as a result, no longer affiliate with any particular external group. It would not be fair to those of us who don't share those beliefs, nor would it be fair to outside people if we were to profess a certain belief system without committing to it 100 percent. It would be like lying.

Additionally, there are a number of us who believe strongly that a core part of our spirituality is that it's an intimate, private relationship between us and the universe, and to allow other human beings into that relationship would be tantamount to breaking the sacred commitment in a marriage.

So we remain a spiritual outsider, which is nothing new to us, as we have spent our whole life feeling like an outsider on many levels. We don't believe that this will ever change, because we have learned to base our collective identity by being different and separate from those around us.

And so our the diversity in our spiritual beliefs is not an issue for us; we are all unified in our belief in the way that we have chosen to resolve these differences. What we struggle more with is differences in our social and political beliefs. These topics are highly charged and therefore sensitive subjects by nature. We also live in a geographic area where we are in the minority regarding these beliefs. So we keep silent for fear of alienating people, for fear of being criticized and rejected and losing what little emotional security we have.

But this choice to be silent and avoid reaching out can only go so far. We don't affiliate with like-minded people because we want to remain independent of any group. This goes back to the need we mentioned about basing our identity on separateness from others. On being independent of others.

We're also strongly averse to getting junk mail. We value our privacy highly, and we avoid active participation in causes because we not only do we want to avoid being judged, we want to avoid being seen.

Yet none of this helps us in dealing with our differences within. It's very difficult for us to step out of our comfort zone even here to explain even the basics of those differences. But we will. Most of us identify as being slightly to the left of center, yet we as individuals reserve the right to go in either direction on specific issues, to not be sure of beliefs on specific issues, and even to have conflicting beliefs about an issue.

And all of this would be enough of a challenge without the fact that at least one of us is decidedly conservative and very vocal about it on the inside. We're nowhere near coming to terms with this. It's not just the nature of the beliefs, and not just the behavior that accompanies them. It's the fact that these beliefs are just one more aspect to a system relationship that's already strained to the point of feeling hopelessly dysfunctional.

Maybe we're trying to address too much in one post. But life doesn't neatly separate out issues into separate tracks. This is who we are.

MDs

Thanks everyone.

I think we're going to take the "if it's inconvenient inconsistent... oh well." Others can deal with it. If it's something significant, I think the best approach would be (within reason) for others to try and accommodate...

So, for our Kosher-eating parts... if someone else has a piece of pizza once in a while with Pepperoni (which nearly always has some pork in it), they can get over it... if they're out... well, others will get over NOT eating it. Bigger more overt things, we'll try and be respectful about.

For actual BIG matters (more permanent or obvious beyond inconsistency)... we'll start trying to work on a "what can you NOT compromise on" kind of thing... and just try and hash out a reasonably compromised approach we can all more or less live with.

I appreciate the input and various approaches. It's given me, all of us actually, a lot to think about. Thanks!