Getting rid of "unfair" triggers

I, we, some of us, find religion very triggering. Especially Christianity, and maybe so because we live in a country that is officially Christian (church has ties with the government), so it's the closest religion to us. I am a member of the "common church" (that Christianity that has those ties with the government). I don't want to be close minded, and I get, that getting triggered about people because of their religion is not right. I don't want to feel like that, but I do, some of us do, very strongly. We do not have any religious abuse in our background, so it's not trauma based any obvious way.

Still it is trauma based, because that has roots, I believe in the fact some of us belong to sexual minorities, if not all of us to some minority (all that are old enough to have a sense of that), and when their rights are discussed, religious people attack, are aggressive and really mean. And I don't appreciate close mindedness. We have parts like Fourteen that is f*d up sexually and is being attack by random people, also when it's not told straightly to him, but is in the newspaper or TV, and it's just too much.

I realized this problem in us couple years ago maybe. Then it was in a point where it is now, that when we see the thread called Christianity in the forum, we want it to go away, and feel people in there are enemies. We do not know who they are discussing there, and intellectually I understand they are same people we talk in here otherwise and don't think anything bad about them. But it triggers us.

Back then, couple of years ago when I realized this in myself and wanted to change it, Lucas was developing, or I was founding him and his story. He comes from hard core Christian family, but has been happy in there. He was adopted there from abusive environment, and has a great family. They live by strict rules, but they were not forced on him the wrong way, and although it isn't acceptable in that group he comes from to listen to music with wrong messages (meaning any popular music) or dance, he was allowed. He is not part of that community anymore, but he loves it, identifies with it because it's his minority group he grew up with, and he still has faith. When I look and think about Lucas, or his parents and their family, it's not threatening at all. I think he became Christian because I wanted to be able to understand it from the inside and accept it when he was developing, or maybe it happened the other way round and I started to think about it, because he was gonna get himself known then.

So I CAN understand, I totally have no problems with Lucas, or his family at all. But any outside person I know is with faith, feels like a threat. It doesn't make sense, because I do and don't understand it at the same time. Not that it would be that uncommon with parts, but it's something I wanna get rid of.

I wanna judge people by their actual actions, not beforehand because of any outside thing like their religion. I get it's really unfair, and there's little if any difference between it, and how other people may think about the sexual minorities. It's just a random feeling they get triggered about, and make assumptions that are not true about all of them at all.

I don't act aggressively towards people, because I do understand this problem is in me, not in them, so it's not out of control. I wanna get rid of it mostly because I don't wanna be that person that it makes me to be, and because feeling triggered about a thing like that means we are gonna get triggered a lot, and feel there's plenty of "enemies" we have to worry. We do worry. When someone is religious, we are cautious with them, until we get to know where they stand on with their opinions on us. I don't wanna be close to people I think are able to hurt us with their opinions on our sexuality. It is so vulnerable in some of us, many if you count all the parts of Fourteen's as separate parts.

I'm not even sure what I think about religion as my relationship with God, this is all about our feeling on people that can attack us, and who don't even take their responsibility about that, because their God gives them right to do so. I think I really don't know, or can think about it because it's too much mixed feelings, so maybe I identify as agnostic.

Do you have unfair triggers, and have you been able to get rid of them?

Hi Floralie,

I dunno about 'unfair' triggers. xtian religious stuff does trigger us, and we don't know why. We don't know/remember any abuse stuff that would be related, but just cos we don't remember, doesn't mean anything.

It's maybe more than just xtian stuff, all abrahamic religeons bother us to some degree.

We never thought about how to get rid of triggers, we just sorta avoid them as best we can. I think the biggest change we've made was since recognizing that its a trigger, is we are just more careful to avoid. And when we can't avoid, we're more careful to try to stay calm and grounded.

V2

Hi Floralie and system. We've been similarly triggered by that topic, for more than one valid reason (some I'm not fully aware of). You likely have valid reasons too. But we read the thread you refer to and felt okay with some of it. When a childhood is filled with insanity, and there's something available that is not part of the insanity but provides a more helpful model, that can be a very good thing.

Our adopted son was raised by an evangelical semi-fanatic (also a sick abuser) so he's got a whole range of responses internally to religion. We have one alter, Jack, who's comfortable with church stuff due to his own childhood experiences. He and one of my son's nominally religious alters went to a laid-back Christian service while on vacation in Kentucky a few years ago. Because it was more a musical performance (a band playing quasi-religious songs, a light show) and socializing than preaching, we actually became less triggered by the whole issue than we used to be -- from just that one experience!

For us, when we feel we're getting triggered by this and similar topics, we try to desensitize ourselves by taking small steps towards it. Otherwise, we know that for us the triggers remain in place and probably won't change. Sort of like people who have debilitating phobias to flying on a plane, spiders, or anything else can become desensitized by using limited exposure. I especially love the phrase "fear extinction" in this article!

We also found it helpful to clarify/record/journal what we knew about the triggering and try to discover more. Which of us hold it most strongly and what aspect of the topic is triggering. For us, was it religious authority figures? Yes! Was it regular people going to church? Not usually. What about people talking about religion? If in general, no, if giving their beliefs in order to influence others, yes. Was it a mention of Christianity? Usually yes. Did the same thing happen with Judaism? No, in fact, the opposite, since a Jewish neighbor family was a safe refuge in childhood.

For us, we got in touch with Quato's rage about powerful social structures, leaders, etc. which clarified a bit about what specifically was providing the trigger and why. Also, someone speaking as if what they believe is reality and others are bad for not accepting what they believe is very triggering, whether it's religious or not.

We don't like to let triggers stay in place, especially the worst ones. It's like letting the original abuse revisit us randomly and unchallenged, derailing and upsetting us in the present.

I don't consider triggers unfair. they don't have any moral or justice about them.
that said, I have struggled with L being religiously involved. part of it is that I don't believe in a higher power. all we have is us. the other part is that church comes with structures of power that I don't want to get involved with. we've been part of a church for literally half of our life. but we don't go there anymore. something about the power structure simply invited abuse. we do keep contact to christian friends though and they are a great support in our life and L feels supported too.
I just hate when they try to solve everything by praying instead of doing something.

I think that not even L is super welcome in church with her opinions on sexuality and gender issues. we keep quiet. I bet that what you hear are just all the people who get loud with their narrow-minded hatred but there are lots of people in churches who have a different opinion and they just don't speak about it much...

we have an agreement inside to respect and honor the other as being different and as having reason for what they do or believe. it means that there is a separation. it doesn't have to have anything to do with me. L doesn't force me to read the bible or try to convert me or anything. we can just live side by side and do our thing. and we make sure that we don't open up for any abuse in the meantime.

for us, one of the most crippling triggers are babies and especially pregnant women. we have lost more than one friend when they got pregnant and we couldn't be near their growing belly without throwing up. we cut contact with our siblings when they started sending ultrasound pictures and baby belly photos. when we are in public we try to look away.
it is not their fault. I bet a lot of new moms are super happy and proud. it seems like such a weird thing to be triggered by. its like a major insult when we get sick. we will never have kids. we don't know how to solve this other than working through our own problems, the roots of that, and eliminating the trigger. its probably gonna need real trauma work. simple cognitive approaches have not been working well.

I also wanted to add that thinking of someone as an enemy is the natural response to being in hyperarousal/ the flight/fight response. our body tells us that there is danger, because we got triggered. then our mind creates a thought to match that physical feeling of danger by pointing out an enemy. it doesn't mean it is real. and you shouldn't judge yourself for it because it is natural and normal, that is how it works, it is instinct. but you shouldn't believe that what you are thinking is all true.

I have triggers involving religion. My grandparents who were "good old Christian folk" did bad things behind closed doors but the community loved them.

*****************trigger warning (sexual and physical abuse)*******************************

My grandafther raped my mother and he raped me violently. I was covered in bruises on my left side. No one ever said anything until my dad saw them. And that was an out of the pan into the fire situation.


***************************end trigger****************************


I have come to believe that that is how religious people are. I think "What skeletons are you hiding in your closet?" I don't believe people who only talk about good. You want us to think you are good but you are human. You do good and bad things.

I have since come to see religion as a way for people to strive to be good in an unfair and unjust world. It allows people to be blinded because that is comforting. It's hard for me to believe in a god though when there are countless children in the world having horrible things done to them.

On the note of unfairness, that irritates me too. It wasn't fair that I got abused but some people get born into kind loving families. But it is the way of the world.

I think you have to learn to think about your triggers from different perspectives. If you can't do this, ask someone else or google it. That's what I do. While I am resistant to such material, sometimes it can get through to me. You just have to keep on trying.

First off redbutterfly99 I am sorry to hear about your experience. I also can empathize with you very much.



************* Trigger Warning SRA and SA******************


I grew up in two different outside worlds both extremes of two types of "religions" - one extreme right (bordering cultish) right wing and the other was SRA. In both places there were instances of SA. Unfortunately, due to the family I grew up in they sent me to the far right church as a babysitter as such as they picked us up in a bus and took us and I was out of their hair. When my youth pastor hurt me I believed G*d raped me. I have the bare bones of these experiences as I do not hold the actual memories any deeper.

*************** End trigger warning *********************


All that being said I find myself pulled to some sense of spirituality.

Needless to say church, G*d, whatever other terms such as *tian, are all triggering. I also get we live in a world where I believe in all countries some form of "church" is dominant to many people. I try real hard when I interact with someone whose need is to be a part of one of these communities to understand it from their point of view. If it helps them in whatever way they think it is then I listen (try not to dissociate - as so far everyone I've met inside feels the same way as me if not stronger triggered) and say as soon as it is uncomfortable I can't talk about that anymore but welcome other conversation. Otherwise and generally I just avoid people I know will trigger us.

For me like birdsong they are not unfair as much as whatever happened around the triggers is unfair. I have many triggers about even basic things and it annoys me that they are there. Triggers are set up to protect me on some level. I have began to try to stay present when they come up and gently work with them. Not totally walking the other way around the block and avoiding someone I know may be of certain religion (yes I do this often). Yet, some days I walk by and wave and just don't get in conversation. It is about having a boundary for me and I am not yet very good at those.

This is all a process. I think this was a good thread. Made me think. Thanks for posting it.