Inside Out - Journey Thread

**TRIGGER WARNING - eating disorder and self destructive behaviors and religion**

After therapy, last Thursday, I had so many thoughts and ideas floating around in my head and trying to make sense, that I had just about decided to start my own journey thread, but I was fighting with the feeling that I'm not important enough to take up that much space and no one would want to read it anyway, but I had almost decided that I would do it anyway, for my own sake, to sort my thoughts out. I was excited to get home and do it. But by the time I got home a couple self-destructive alters were out and active until after 12:30am, all my amazing, profound new understandings of myself had vanished, and I just needed to go to sleep. I haven’t gotten back to that point of excitement and increased understanding and I don't know if I'll get back to that point again, or if being at that point is what triggered all the self-destructive activity, but I have decided to start this thread, both to sort out and record my thoughts and experiences, and to get feedback, if anyone is interested.

I think my inner world and my amount of access to it is much different from what I’ve seen described here by many others. I can't see my alters like physical people. I can't shake hands or hug them. I experience them as internal thoughts and voices with powerful emotions and bodily urges, if that makes sense. When Little K is near, I feel her fear, I see and hear her thoughts (like movies in my mind) and I feel her urge to curl up and hide. But I don't see a little girl that I can sit down and have a talk with or hug close to comfort. Christian is the rule maker and I hear and know his rules. I feel his anger when rules are broken, and he compels the body to self-harm in consequence of a broken rule. Seven is angry. I always feel his anger when he is near. I feel his hate for me and Little K and the body. I hear him yell at me, laugh at me, and say things to hurt me. He also compels the body to self-harm, most notably recently, through binging until I'm in physical pain. Christian makes me vomit and dictates how much I can weigh. We've been dangerously underweight for over six months now, but if I go up, even a pound or two, Christin is tearing up the skin on my arm and stomach. He uses my weight to control me, along with countless other rules. The only one that is truly anorexic is Gwen. She's pretty quiet, but I can feel her utter terror when our weight goes up a couple pounds. She feels like never eating again, but Seven laughs at her and, to her horror, forces us to binge. The only other one I'm aware of right now is 2T, but she is young, non-verbal and just afraid of everything. She comes out in therapy sometimes. She curls up and shakes and renders us unable to speak or look up. Little K can't speak, either, but that's because it's Christian's rule, because the stories she used to tell were too disturbing and none of us wants to hear them or believe them.
That is all I can sense of my inner world right now. There are no rooms or houses or forests or beaches. It's mostly dark and I have to sort of feel around for who's close, except when I step on the scale at night and Christian is angry and Gwen is horrified, and Seven is laughing. Then I can't help but know they're all there.

That seems so different from what I’ve seen others describe. I wouldn't know how to begin to reason with or make friends with any of them, though in my last therapy session, my T actually suggested that Christian and Seven are really "protectors" using their destructive behavior to distract and help me avoid more dangerous feeling inner experiences. I'm considering that possibility, but I'm usually too scared and I'm not sure how to actually speak to or answer them when they speak to me, if that makes any sense. It's like they are talking through my mind, and when my mind is saying their words, I'm not sure how to make it say my words.

It's been suggested that I use a journal for communication. I'm considering how I might do that since I already maintain a journal every day. My journal is just one very long Word document. I only print out a few pages for the time elapsed since the previous therapy session a couple times a week, and take them to therapy to review, and then after therapy, I shred those pages, so that I have the whole document saved on my password-protected computer, but there is nothing laying around on paper for my kids to accidentally read, and get freaked out about. I have a whole stack of composition book journals from the last 29 years, but I have to keep them carefully stored and locked away, for the same reason. I could maybe start a second Word document intended for internal communication, but I'm not sure if it would work.

It’s also been suggested that I might open up communication with the more destructive alters by answering their hurtful behaviors with kindness, but this is already part of my basic rules of conduct, that I've had since I was a child. Christian has always made the rules, based in part on the words of Jesus. He said, "turn the other cheek," And I have always believed that if I am being hurt by inside or outside people, I need to let it happen. Don't fight back and don't run away. I have one particular memory from when I was young, of a time that I was being bullied and I did run away, and it fills me with shame. Per my T's recommendation, I've been meeting with my pastor to try to find a more accurate interpretation of that particular piece of scripture. Christian has always said that we need to act like Jesus acted as He was beaten and shamed before He was hung on the cross. I've never fought back or defended myself and tried not to even run away. I've always known that I should answer hurt and hate with kindness and forgiveness, even when it just results in more hurt. Maybe my beliefs on this subject are twisted or inaccurate, which is why I'm meeting with my pastor, but they run deep, and will be hard for at least some my parts to consider changing, if we need to.

KK

GKOKD wrote:I think my inner world and my amount of access to it is much different from what I’ve seen described here by many others. I can't see my alters like physical people. I can't shake hands or hug them. I experience them as internal thoughts and voices with powerful emotions and bodily urges, if that makes sense...

...That is all I can sense of my inner world right now. There are no rooms or houses or forests or beaches. It's mostly dark and I have to sort of feel around for who's close, except when I step on the scale at night and Christian is angry and Gwen is horrified, and Seven is laughing. Then I can't help but know they're all there...

...I'm not sure how to actually speak to or answer them when they speak to me, if that makes any sense. It's like they are talking through my mind, and when my mind is saying their words, I'm not sure how to make it say my words.

KK

For what it's worth, I can't see the parts like physical people either. When I want one of them to feel hugged, I need to imagine it in my head and try to create the emotional feeling of being hugged. We do have a large stuffed bear that I will hug sometimes when someone is feeling a very lonely, longing feeling and needs a hug.

Sometimes I get a sense of what one of them feels their body is like, and I will feel different depending on who is in front or influencing, but I don't really have a sense of what anyone "looks" like.

I initially had no inner world. I think it's not uncommon to feel like it's all dark when you're first aware of the others. It's a big effort for me to create an internal space--it doesn't feel like anything is already there, although it might be and I just don't know about it yet. We had a sense of rescuing a bunch of babies and toddlers from slime pits somewhere and I created a couple of rooms for them--but it kind of feels those rooms aren't there unless I imagine them again.

I wouldn't get hung up on things that are different or the same as other systems.

As for communication, you may want to ask (in writing if you have to) for them to let you respond to them. It seems like you're very used to just letting them take over and not feeling like you still have a voice when they are speaking. But at first you can just respond to them in writing, and see how that goes.

It is a long gradual process, and I'm glad that your T seems to have experience. Protectors have very important and difficult jobs and it helps to recognize that and to thank them for everything they've done. The ways that they are protecting you may not be needed anymore, even if they were needed in the past.

Thank you for your response, Gang.

It's encouraging to hear that my current perceptions of my inner world aren't too totally unusual or unheard of. Sometimes I start to believe that I'm just making it all up to make an excuse for being messed up in the head, or to make people feel sorry for me. I do have a journal from about five years ago containing the color coded dialogue of internal meetings I had while on an impatient trauma unit. I just have no memory of those meetings or how the dialogue took place. It's like someone else wrote it, except that it is my handwriting. All I have now is the perceptions I described before.

I am trying to shift my view of Christian and Seven to see them as possible protectors that might be open to communication. I could try it in writing and see what happens.

Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it

KK

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and I think its always a good idea to share. Its goof for you to get it out, and look back on. Its good for others to read and reflect on too...thats certainly part of the process for us!

I agree that everyone is different. We have quite a 'cloudy' and sometimes abstract Inner World, and it can become darker, more abstract and more cloudy depending on what is going on for us all. I guess its important to slowly build up a picture of what life is like for you, so you can notice various signs or changes...but this would have nothing to do with any other System's Inner World.

I also agree that it is a journey...and that is what we are all on. Sometimes there is a lot to do and things feel really hard and overwhelming, sometimes things feel 'ok'. I wouldn't try to 'rush' anywhere, as that isn't the point. We can do this a lot though...try and 'rush' to an end point of healing, where we are all 100% healed and fine for the rest of our lives, with nothing of any difficulty ever happening again!

Just not possible. Nor the point!


Good luck with your journey, take it easy and breathe


Jules

Thank you, Jules, for sharing your insight.

**TRIGGER WARNING - eating disorder behavior**

I saw my T again today and we mostly reviewed mostly what happened after my appointment, last Thursday. I had felt increased understanding and even enthusiasm right after my appointment, but then Seven and Christian made us spend the day binging and vomiting until after midnight, when we were exhausted and could no longer remember what we had gained through therapy. And it never came back to me, even today. They've kept me binging, vomiting, and self-harming pretty constantly ever since. This has me pretty overwhelmed and feeling like We're getting worse. My T suggested, however, that maybe that feeling of increased understanding and enthusiasm that I had on Thursday feels threatening or dangerous to some of my parts, and that's why they caused us to revert to self-destructive behaviors. And I think she interpreted that as a positive thing in helping us get to know more about those parts. I don't know. I'm still feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. Even as I'm typing here, I'm binging, and I hate myself for it.

**TW - eating disorder behavior & suicidal ideation**

Tonight is just more of the same. I had already binged and purged once since purging dinner and then I ate half a box of crackers with cheese and then went to the kitchen and ate twelve slices of toast with butter, apple butter, and preserves. I vomited and weighed myself at 94.5 and then ate the rest of the yogurt with blueberries and a lot of chocolate while I’ve been sitting here reading random stuff on the computer. I purged again and now weigh 94.0. I’m depressed. My weight seems stuck at an uncomfortable number. Christian is punitive and Seven is relentless and feels like he just gets more and more powerful. I am so tired. I want to quit. I want to sleep soundly and not wake. I want to lie down tonight with Gracie and Guiness (my dogs) and not dream, and not sweat, and not get up with the alarm and take the kids to school, and not get up and go to therapy. The only positive tomorrow is to take Gracie to training (she is my Service Dog in training), but I’m afraid it won’t be good to enough and she won’t be good enough to go with me to Youth Councils (a church trip for the youth) with the kids in April and I’ll have to go without her or not go. And tomorrow afternoon I’ve got to take the kids to therapy and be the grownup with all the mature thoughts and feelings and then there is church dinner where I will overeat and sneak away to purge and bible study where I might as well have ‘hypocrite’ plastered on my forehead, followed by a St Patrick’s Day ‘party, where I have to be happy with my kids, before finally coming home to succumb to the relentless urges of Seven until way too late at night, so the cycle can perpetuate yet another 24 hours. I tried to think tonight about what I felt today regarding the people I had contact with when I was out today (this was my therapy assignment), but I don’t think I felt anything except this perpetual feeling of hopelessness. I want this to be a dream that I can wake from, and yet I don't want to wake from sleep.

KK

Hearing the hopelessness you feel.
Seems like a lot of eating stuff is going on. That sounds hard.
I hope you can arrange one nice moment for yourself today. Something you like, maybe a nice cup of tea, or snuggles with Gracie. Hang in there.

Very sorry to hear you feel so bad. I feel really bad for you.

If you need someone to talk to....please feel free to message me. Hope things improve for all of you soon. Good luck....and best wishes!

Hi,

I did a writing communication between alters many years ago when there was no internal communication that I knew of.

It was a mess, didn't make any sense and was basically all contradictory. It did help massively though in opening up communication and helped me identify who's who.


Regarding "turn the other cheek" in myself some have that but others have "it is an affront to myself and my creator to not slap back" Basically the complete opposite. I find this balances out. So I weigh up situations to see which way to react.

I like to read and appreciate others experiences so I think writing here is great. Also I write here because I find it more helpful than writing privately. It helps me reflect more so I think if people read and respond or not it has value.

**TW eating disorder/suicide**

Thanks to all of you for responding.

I'm sorry for, being so negative.

I did go to therapy today, but I could barely say anything. I felt all locked up. I gave my T my journal so she knew what I've been thinking lately. She was concerned for my safety, I think. But when she asked me yes/no questions I was able to nod that I don't plan to act on any thoughts and that I will somehow reach out for help if that changes. She told me it would be okay to take a day off and just lay in bed and snuggle with Gracie and Guiness. It's a really appealing idea, but I know Seven wouldn't let me. We'd be binging and vomiting all day.

The good part of the day was when I took Gracie to training. She did very well. She now has her Service Dog ID showing that I can take her anywhere I go, which is a good thing, because sometimes she's the only thing that can keep me grounded, or help me come back. I asked the trainer about the trip in April and he said to take her. We've still got some serious training to do, but I'm relieved that I'll have her with me.

The rest of the day was as agonizing as I anticipated and now I'm at home binging again. At least tomorrow is a pretty open day. Maybe that's good. I'm really tired all the time.

Thank you all for your encouragement. Even if I seem ungrateful, I'm not.

KK