Inside Out - Journey Thread

We're sorry to hear you're still having problems. We hope things improve for y'all soon. We wish we could do more to help.

Thanks Ponyta. Your words are a help, in and of themselves.

Yesterday, in therapy, I was more able to stay present and talk than usual, but my anxiety was super high and I struggled with breathing, because our chest was so tight.

We talked about our thoughts following the previous therapy session regarding passive influence / losing control to someone inside. We went round and round about what I was saying was passive influence, and how that didn't seem at all passive to her, when I realized she thought this was a word I'd made up to describe our experience inside. I have to admit, it does sometimes seem a bit more like aggressive influence when it takes away my choice of what to do. She is new to DID and still trying to learn so last night we found a good explanation on DID-research.org and copied it into our journal for her. It feels like she is starting to slow down/back off a bit as her due date comes closer and she's preparing for maternity leave. It's not a good feeling. It's like maybe we shouldn't try to get into anything big, now, for fear we'll be in the middle of it when she goes away for three months. She says she's sharing some of what we've been working on with my old T, who will be seeing me while she's gone, but I still have some unresolved feelings about my old T deciding she didn't have enough time to help me anymore, when she passed me to my current T. It wasn't a bad move, therapeutically, but it still felt like rejection, and I know she doesn't have any more time for therapy now, so I'll only be getting one half as much therapy time while my current T is out. I don't want to think about it, but it keeps creeping up on me and it's like I feel abandoned already.

KK

My T goes out on maternity leave 6/14/19 or before, so we've been thinking, talking and worrying about that a lot more lately. She was planning on having our previous T see us while she's gone for three months. This is not sitting well with us. Here's what we wrote in our notes after therapy on Tuesday:
Don’t feel much like writing today. Talked about maternity leave, about not having to be accountable to anyone about the insiders. They say our old T didn’t have time for us before, so there’s no reason to expect different now. I was a little hurt when she dumped us, but some inside were angry and don’t trust her now. They say we can’t trust to tell her anything, so we won’t be accountable to anyone and they can do whatever they want to the body and no one will ever need to know. Having this out in the open, they want to shut down communication now, because at this point, whatever we tell our T will just go into the dark and disappear when she leaves.
We were kind-of scared to go to therapy today, because we wrote those notes in our journal to share with T and we never talked with anyone before about how we felt about our old T not having time for us. I feel ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be hurt and of the others inside for being inappropriately angry. There was a lot of debate inside on the way to therapy about whether there's really any point in going anymore. Christian and Seven had already said that they won't be accountable to our old T, and since that's the situation we're headed for, we might as well quit trying now.
In therapy our T read that part of our journal aloud a couple times to try to understand our meaning. She said if our old T is not someone we feel we can all trust, maybe it would be better for us to see someone else instead. She told us about another therapist, who is relatively new to the clinic, but has extra training in trauma work who might have more time for us. I thought that sounded better, but I couldn't tell her. I was completely locked up - couldn't talk - could barely move to indicate yes or no. I'm afraid this is what they meant when they said they wanted to shut down communication now. I couldn't do anything. My T tried talking to us and asking us questions, but it was like we weren't even there, and for a period of time we weren't. Eventually she asked if we wanted to end early, and we did, so we got ready to go. She asked if we would be coming to our next appointment, and I think we indicated that we would.
Maybe the session wasn't a complete waste, since she now knows about our issues with our old T, but other than that, we might as well have not come. It was like not being there, anyway,

I'm really concerned about the dynamics in my system in these next couple weeks, and then when she's gone for three months. It seems like we should all be working together to prepare for and get through this challenging time, but we're not all on the same page yet, as to what we're working towards. We're just a bunch of moody unfortunates who happen to be trapped in the same body.

KK

I'm glad your T knows now and that you spoke up! It really doesn't sound like you'll feel safe with your old T.
Maybe you could let her know your preferences by email?
Although it sounds like maybe some parts ARE set on seeing old T. If possible, you could try to ask inside about that. Or write the question in the journal and leave it open for answering.
Sometimes it can also help to make art about it.

It will probably get easier to make a decision when all parts' concerns have been addressed or at least touched upon inside.

Sending strength! Stuff like this is super hard.

Thanks for your reply, Fireheart. It's good to be heard.

I can't email her. I don't know how she feels about that, but she's never given me her email address and it's not listed anywhere, like on her business card. I've thought about it before, but I don't want to cross any boundaries she might have about appropriate contact. She has always said that I can call her between appointments, but I've only ever done that once when I was in a crisis, and even then, I felt guilty about having done it, and having taken up her time outside of my appointments. She already sees me twice a week.

Anyway, the only parts that have an interest in seeing the old T are the ones planning to use the situation as an excuse to shut down communication and not have anyone to be accountable to, with regard to self-harm. The little ones were hurt when she left us and would have a hard time trusting again, and are afraid of the others hurting the body too badly.

It's scary to think about starting a whole new relationship with a totally new therapist. In a way, it might be good that she has training in trauma work, but it's also kind of scary, like maybe she'll be able to look at us and know that we haven't been through any real bad trauma, so we're probably just making things up and playing a game because we're just greedy for attention. That is a very real fear.

KK

GKOKD wrote:It's scary to think about starting a whole new relationship with a totally new therapist. In a way, it might be good that she has training in trauma work, but it's also kind of scary, like maybe she'll be able to look at us and know that we haven't been through any real bad trauma, so we're probably just making things up and playing a game because we're just greedy for attention. That is a very real fear.

KK

It's a real fear in the sense that the feeling is real, but it isn't based in (present) reality, so it isn't real in that sense. Any trauma-trained therapist would know right away that you've been through bad trauma, and would also know that it's common for traumatized people to minimize what they've been through and not feel like they have a right to feel the way they do. A good T will accept and validate your feelings, and reassure you that you have a right to feel however you feel. They might also point out that you may have been treated in the past like you were making things up or were "greedy for attention" when you had legitimate needs that weren't being met the way they should have been.

I already posted this first part in the "How Are You Today" thread, but I want to copy it here, too, for my own reference:

*Trigger Warning - reference to SH*
I just got a call from the clinic that my T is sick today so therapy is canceled this morning. I don't have another scheduled appointment until Friday and they asked if I wanted her to call me if she has an opening before then and I said no. Maybe that was dumb, because I had a real bad time with Christian and his SH last night and this morning, but he and Seven didn't want to go to therapy and possibly be held accountable this morning, anyway. It was him who made me say no. It was also because the person from the clinic who called us to tell us was our old T who we feel uncomfortable talking to, so we just wanted to get off the phone. Now, though, we have some very mixed feelings about getting through the next four days. The cutting was really pretty bad last night. I feel like Christian and Seven just trapped me and I might be helpless until the end of the week and they are happy. I can feel them celebrating and dreaming of what they can do with this gift of freedom.


I feel like I need to binge. Oh! I hate this. It’s just going to get me into worse trouble with my weight… not because of Christian. If he doesn’t cut me, Seven will, but it feels like someone else inside is upset about our weight right now and feels like her world is ending when our weight gets out of control. She thinks we should only fast, and not binge, but Seven never cares what she thinks. This is Gwen, I think, and she’s only seventeen, so they never take her seriously. She feels so helpless and worthless. It’s such a strong feeling! ...But she feels so far away (or maybe deep inside) that I can't reach her to help her. I'm being held back by the others. I feel my own 'helplessness.'

KK

This morning in therapy we talked mostly about the therapist we're going to see while our T is out on maternity. Her due date is 6/14, but she said the baby could come up to two weeks before or after the due date, which could be the end of next week, and since now is the end of this week, that's only a week away. She sked me if we had any questions about the new therapist and I asked how old she is. She said that she is older, like in her 50's or 60's. That gives us more to worry about. Last time we were matched with an older therapist we totally shut down and couldn't communicate. She was nice enough, and accepting, and willing, but it didn't work. Eventually they moved me to a different and younger therapist and that worked better. Most of the therapists I can remember having an ok relationship with, were in their 30's and 40's. I don't know if that's what's made the difference or not, but it worries me. She's supposed to have been trained in trauma therapy, but what decade was she trained in, or is she keeping current? Whenever we get to this point in the transition, I get so worried about all the "what ifs" that I just want to do it and get it over with so that I know what we're dealing with!

KK

My thoughts about our therapy session last Wednesday:
Talked about changing therapists for maternity leave. It’s going to be uncomfortable no matter who it is. If maternity leave comes early, T says we will be able to see the other T (I will call her K) in a 1pm walk-in time once a week.
Talked about Seven hating me and cutting and obsessing about SH. About him spending at least an hour a day, and often much more reading old threads on the SH and Cutting forum. T says Seven hates himself and is projecting it onto me. That’s what I always told myself about G (our sister). She must be really hurting a lot in order to put so much energy into hurting me. In the end, it doesn’t matter. She hurts me a lot and I love her too much to want her to feel the pain, herself. Maybe my purpose is to make her life bearable.
Talked about Christian being present or at least watching therapy to make sure the rules are sufficient and followed. Thinking about Christian’s rules and how they control my behavior, I told about the shower rule that he made a few months ago, that we can only shower on Saturday. (He did let us shower on Friday once, because we pulled weeds and cut grass and got visibly dirty and sweaty.) He says he wants me to feel dirty, because I am dirty. T says he feels dirty and is projecting that feeling onto me, by making me feel dirty. Maybe that parallels G too. When she spit in my hair, she made me feel disgusting and dirty, but she felt good because people thought she was funny and laughed at me. I wouldn’t want her to feel like me in that situation. So, if projecting those feelings onto me was what kept her feeling safe, then I guess that was my job at the time. I would never have wanted her to feel as dirty as I did.
So, if Seven and Christian are projecting their feelings about themselves onto me, does it really make a difference in the long run. It just shows that I’m doing my job. If they are technically part of me or my system, I can’t not care about them and want them to feel my hurt/discomfort.

In therapy, yesterday, we discussed my thoughts from Wednesday's therapy (most T did the discussing, but I was still kinda there) Here are my thoughts that I wrote down in the parking lot before leaving therapy:
I didn’t like therapy today. I was bad to be talking. Christian was there. I wasn’t aloud to talk about the rules. I just want to go home and work outside so we can take a shower. Christian says it’s important for me to feel dirty outside, so I understand how dirty I am inside. Today I was deep inside and it was dark and scary.
Christian said I’m just a kid now, because I wasn’t a good kid then. So, I can’t be my boss now because I don’t have adult power. T kept saying that I do, but Christian was telling me, “No!” and pushing me farther down. Christian says it’s bad to want power and says that since we’re sharing a body, then I’m already sharing in the benefits of his power and Seven’s, because following his rules is to make us less bad and dirty. I just don’t like feeling so itchy and sticky and dirty, but I have to in order to be good. Christian says it’s what it’s like to be me. I felt really young today. Who was I? It’s like I was me, but different, and so far away.
I really want to go home now, but I guess we need to go to the dog park first while it’s not too hot yet. I just feel so dirty and I’m afraid other people can see it and smell it. Okay, I guess I will get this over-with, and try to be good.

On the way to the dog park I got lost in my head for a little while and then came back and wasn’t sure where we were. I thought we had passed the turn for the dog park and were going to get in trouble for being selfish/lazy and going straight home, but then I saw the turn ahead and realized we didn’t pass it. At the dog park was one man and his pit bull. We were still small, so we stayed away from him. When he asked how old Gracie was, we answered with our fingers and after he left, I found us still hugging both arms to our chest and feeling small. On the way back to the car Gracie got excited about a rabbit that had been flushed out of the tall grass by a man on a lawn mower, and I came farther to the front and talked to the man, when he stopped the mower.

I'm not sure about this feeling very young and "different", but not knowing who . We were able to answer questions in therapy, but sometimes it was Christian's words and sometimes it was this younger person's. I was there, but very far away and kind of unable to function? I don't know the name of this younger person or exact age. The only younger ones I know are 2T, who is very scared and nonverbal, and Little K who holds a lot of guilt and shame associated to memories and who isn't aloud to talk (per Christian's rules.) This one was different. She could talk, and while she understood that she had to follow the rules and accepted Christian's assessment, she didn't like the rules and expressed that in words. I don't know who she is. I have a system map that I made several years ago that includes some alters that I don't remember now. I don't know if I should get that out and try to see if she fits into one of those roles, or if I should just consider them 'forgotten for a reason' and wait to see if she discloses more of herself as she wants to be seen in her own time and way?

I don't feel comfortable with things getting messier and more confusing right before my T goes on maternity leave.

KK