Inside Out - Journey Thread

**TW - eating disorder behavior**
(is there a way to edit my subject line to put the TW there?)

This morning, after taking the kids to school, I came home and went back to bed with the dogs and slept until 11am. I wish we could more fully experience sleep, like the peace of a restful mind, the comfort of the warm blankets and the soft mattress, and the relaxation in fully relaxed muscles. Instead we wake up with realization that we were sleeping, but now it's all over. I woke up panicked that the whole day was gone. Not for any good reason. The only thing I really needed to get done before picking the kids up from school, was to go to the vet and pick up some meds for Guiness (he's been having seizures). I got up and binged and purged. I went to the vet and then came home and binged and purged some more, and then went to pick up the kids.

I was more grounded and in control today, aside from Seven and the binging. Not as depressed, I think.

KK

Can you talk to Seven and find out what he is trying to accomplish? Is there something he is afraid you will do if you stop bingeing and purging? Some worse outcome that he is trying to avoid?

It would help to know his reasons, because perhaps this protection was needed in the past but isn't needed any longer? Or perhaps he doesn't trust the T and is worried that you will plunge ahead with your therapy and be hurt? There are many possible reasons, but you won't know unless you can start a dialogue with him.

I started a Word document called "Dialogue" today, where I identified myself and invited any other parts to write anything they would like me to know. I asked about the purpose of the binging and purging and enquired about what emotions they might be feeling. I said that I was writing in black, so all they have to do is pick a font color and put down their thoughts for me to see and respond to.

It doesn't feel to me like this will accomplish anything, but it might. It's worth a try.

I felt a little less stressed today. My weight is at a more comfortable level, so that helps. I haven't heard from Gwen at all. We had a beautiful day to visit the dog park, and we went to Walmart and bought a rake. So, if the weather stays nice for the weekend, I can finally rake up some of last fall's leaves.

That sounds like a good start. I hope it will help.... improve communication between everyone. Good luck!

Glad to hear you had a better day today. That's great! Hope things keep improving!

I’m working on journaling too for communication.... no one else writes but I’m going to keep it going . I periodically stop but maybe not good message to send inside.

I get the eating issues. I binge /don’t purge . I have no idea where it comes from or from an inside person . Sometimes it helps to talk to others with eating issues. Would that help ?
Take care and keep posting

LadySlippers wrote:I get the eating issues. I binge /don’t purge . I have no idea where it comes from or from an inside person . Sometimes it helps to talk to others with eating issues. Would that help ?

I used to be active on an ED support forum that was really busy and well monitored called "Grace on the Moon", but they had some technical issues with the web site and it's not there anymore. It was helpful, but of course, it mostly just dealt with ED issues and not DID. If you go to graceonthemoon.com now, you get an accountant.

KK

I’m really confused. Christian was in therapy last Wednesday and said, “She’s not allowed!” But I don’t remember what he was saying I’m not allowed to do. I think my T reminded me today, and it felt familiar at the time, but now I don’t remember again. And then today I think it was about binging or not binging and I was trying to be good, but Seven kept saying that we need to leave, so I said, “We need to leave.” And then I was in the back and there was like, arguing between my T and Seven about driving, but then my cell phone rang, and I came back to the front to look at it. It was my daughter, but I didn’t answer it. I called her back later. But then I think it was just me there… and Gracie.(service dog) We talked about Gracie to get grounded and then left. I went straight home and binged on sixteen slices of toast with butter, apple butter and preserves and two cups of hot chocolate and purged. Then I went back to bed for a little while. I was really tired.

This is scaring me. It is all so foggy afterward. In fact, the whole time I was there today, even though my T told me what had happened last week, from her point of view, I was thinking Seven had been there, but he hadn't. It was Christian, because she was talking about breaking an internal rule, and he is the rule maker. That's why it hadn't made sense. Seven wasn't there then. He was there today. But I don't remember what led up to that. I didn't say much, I don't think. I don't like when I can't look back and put the pieces together clearly. I feel like out of control somehow.

KK

I had therapy again yesterday and this time I think I stayed present and able to talk for the whole session, but it is very foggy again, now. When I got home in the afternoon I did some journaling and I knew that the T had asked me a question in session that I couldn't answer and she said for homework she wanted me to journal about that. Well, just a couple hours later, and I had no idea what the question was. I just knew that there was one. I finally ended up calling the T and leaving her a voicemail asking what the question was. She finally called me back this morning and gave me the question again, and I wrote it down. She and I have both noticed that I seem to be forgetting a lot of what happens in therapy, even when I'm fully present. It just all seems foggy.

**TRIGGER WARNING - ED, SELF HARM, SUICIDE**
Last night was really bad. We were up late binging and then purged and weighed in at 94.5, which is uncomfortably high, so Christian said drink a lot of water and purge again to see if it will go down. I had to go to the kitchen to refill my water bottle, and while we were there Seven picked up a bag of grapes, which we brought back to our room and ate, and then we ate a package of cookies and, of course, a whole bunch of water. It was after 1am when we went back to purge again, and when we stepped on the scale it said 96.0! We were panicked! Everyone inside was screaming. I didn't know what to do. I tried to go to bed, but my arms and legs were thrashing under the covers. Christian was scratching my arm and my stomach raw and I really wanted to take something to knock us out but I didn't have anything I could [b]safely[b] do that with. I thought about doing it unsafely, but someone kept playing a movie in my head of my daughter coming to my door and finding me in the morning and letting out a blood-curdling scream to her brother, "Somethings wrong with Mommy!" So I got out my card that has the phone number for Mobile Crises and thought about calling, but I was afraid if I said the wrong thing they'd make me go to a hospital, so then I got on my computer and went to this site I had found previously, called Suicide Forums. I went to the forum for if you are feeling suicidal right now. I got into it and could see all the recent posts, but could not for the life of me figure out haw to start a new thread. I probably fiddled with it for half an hour, just getting more frustrated. Finally around 2:30am I quit, but the wave had passed so I settled down and fell asleep.
**END TRIGGER WARNING**
Today I have been in bed most of the day. Obviously, I had some sleep to make up, but I'm also just depressed. anxious, and low energy. I know it's probably hard to relate if you don't have an eating disorder, but it is really stressful for me to see my weight go up. My therapist called me around 10am today to tell me the question I forgot, and I was laying in bed feeling awful, but I didn't tell her how I was or what happened last night. I guess I didn't want to bother her or maybe I was too ashamed.
KK

I'm very sorry to hear that. If you need someone to talk to....please feel free to message me. I hope you feel better....and things improve for you soon.

**TW - SELF INJURY**

I think Seven is doing this on purpose! I think he is making me binge until it hurts and making my weight go up because he wants to make me feel this way... panicked and out of control. Christian is mad and has already drawn blood and I think Seven hates me and likes to see this. He likes to have this power over me. He wants me to be in pain. There's something wrong with me that I've never been able to fix that makes people hate us and want to hurt us. It's been like this my whole life and now Seven is doing it. I don't know what to fix, but I know something is wrong. Even My sister has told me my whole life that I should just kill myself for everyone else's sake. There's something wrong. I just wish I knew what was wrong.