Hello - need to talk

Hello, first post, I apologize if too long or rambling, just need to talk. If anyone has advice or relates feel free to contact.

***Trigger Warning Abuse, Self harm, Suicide,***



Background - 50yr old male body that is married with stepdaughter and son.
Abusive family/extended family and isolated with mentally unstable mother from birth thru grade school. Issues during childhood were not discussed and help was not sought for mental health issues. As an example, first suicide attempt body was hospitalized; after three days father pulled body out of psych ward stating "I'm not paying for a vacation for you!" Message from young age was never speak up, so learned to hide everything. A system was formed with a shell host that allowed us to pass as "normal"to the outside world. Married at 19 because that was expected, erratic behavior over the years since childhood - self harm, voices, dissociation, memory gaps, bouts of depression, anger/hateful, manic type actions but no help sought because of upbringing. Spouse suffered through it all but stayed with us. (she was not told of the voices or memory gaps) Finally, two years ago after two and a half years of depression and suicide attempt we sought help and spent time both inpatient and outpatient at local facility (still hid dissociation/voices and memory gaps). Diagnosed with BPD, anxiety, c-ptsd and Bipolar, put on meds but did not help. Found therapist, opened up about everything and was diagnosed DiD. After year and a half of therapy, insurance stopped covering that particular facility about three months ago. Have not found another yet (avoidance) but am looking.

***End Trigger Warning***


Current - My name is Ann and i am currently hosting i have been inside majority of time and being out in a male body does not bother me now as it did at first. Most of the background I know from snapshots of memory, info from family members before we cut them out of our lives (they were major triggers, bringing out some of the others for long periods) and talking with the rest of the system. I am out when spouse or children need help/care or bad decisions by the others need corrected. I am out now because spouse had an accident with badly broken leg and was hospitalized/rehab facility for over a month then laid up at home for another two months. The old host was just a shell molded by what everyone expected him to be, very susceptible to influence by the others in the system and not able to handle something like this. I know I have only been out a few times over the years, i remember time inside with everyone as well as times of co-consciousness but do have large blank spots in my memories. The old host is hidden right now, we cannot locate and i worry that now that the spouse is ok i will end up shut down or back inside. There have been stresses/frustrations at work and i can feel the carefree/hyper and chaotic/angry parts pushing forward and influencing the way i talk/look and act, I am working towards a promotion and do not want them to screw it up for us.
As i said at the beginning, i just needed to talk, spouse does not want details about whats going on inside, just generalizations - even when she sat in on sessions with therapist. None of the system have outside friends and we are very much alone.
Thank you for listening.
Ann

Hi Ann and hi to all your others who might read too,

welcome to the forum. a lot of helpful and nice people post here.
I'm often to shy to say anything on here but I read a lot and try to apply the advice others here give to other systems.
I don't think you rambled. I'm sorry your wife isn't really helping at the moment and that you feel alone.
You are not alone. There are a lot of us. I just wanted to say that....
I hope you can stay hosting for a while and don't disappear to the inside again - have you talked to your T about this fear? maybe they can help you stay outside.
for me it is important to have something in our life that I can relate to positively - like an emotional anchor in our outside life. for me these anchors are our cats, some friends, certain movies I like to watch, my drawing utensils etc. I know these things exist and they draw me out so to speak. I wouldn't leave for too long into the inside world cuz I know I wanna be with my cats or friends or watch a movie or listen to a song on the outside. Before I realized that I can only really fully experience these things on the outside, I retreated to the inside world for long periods of time. I thoght no one would miss me and nothing outside is worth it staying out front for long. but now I have these anchors and I won't leave for long.
this might not work for you. I just wanted to tell you what helped me...
sorry my English isn't so good...we have older alters that usually help me cuz its not my mothertongue but they aren't here right now.

so hello and welcome and I am sorry you feel alone at the moment!

kat (12)

Hi Ann, welcome to the forum.

Sorry you're feeling lonely, we identify with that a lot. This is a friendly place though.

What you mentioned about your host also resonated with us. We suspect our earliest host was like you described; a shell formed to fit some expectations and demands from parents and other outside people.

Arin

Hi, Ann, and welcome to the forum.

We're sorry that you're struggling. It's brave of you to come here and share about yourself and your system. We hope that you find this community to be as supportive and welcoming as we have.

Mary and others

Just wanted to say welcome to the forum. There are a lot of nice and caring people here, I'm sure you'll find it a great space.

Wishing you all peace and wellbeing


Alice - One in the Albion System

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. It means a lot to me to be heard and accepted.

I'm sorry your wife isn't really helping at the moment and that you feel alone.

It's not that she is not helping/trying, she accepts small things like younger parts wanting to cuddle with a blanket and toy or "feminine" colored shoelaces/socks, little stuff like that. It's trying to discuss/explain whats going on inside or who we each are that she does not want to hear. And wife does not like me she has told me as much (not knowing i was out) and spoke of a few frightening things that were said to her and the therapist , according to some of the others when the body was in therapy and i was away things were said to therapist and wife by our chaotic part portraying himself as me. So i can kind of understand why she wants kept in the dark but it just goes back to youger days of keeping evertbing inside.

Hi Anne,

Can relate to what you're saying from the reverse stand point. Female body with male parts. One very quiet and happy to sit back but the other is more out going.

I relate to your fear of being pushed back because the nurture isn't needed.


Collectively our life is arranged around everyone having an outlet that's their own. We recommend that. It's worked very well for us. So a nurturing out let - gardening or maybe voluntary work a couple of hours a week where you do something caring?

With the more "unstable" parts, they need an outlet too. Things I do to stop adrenaline urges interfering with life are theme parks and climbing or anything where an adrenaline rush or physical exertion but that's healthy.

Welcome, I've been here only a few months and have found it very helpful.

Hi Ann,

Welcome to the forum. As intros go, I thought yours was particularly organized and concise--so no worries about being long and rambling, imo!

I've been posting on here for about 15 months, and spent about 5 months reading obsessively on here before that--journey threads, everything I could find about people's experience with therapy, and anything else I could relate to. It's been so helpful to me to have the advice and support of people here.

I think our outside is also kind of a shell, and others of us come and go, either completely or by influencing, and we don't lose significant time, so we're able to appear fairly consistent--just "moody."

I hope you can overcome your avoidance and prioritize getting a new therapist as soon as possible.

-the Gang

Hi, Ann8parts. I am glad you are here and now have people you can talk to who will understand. It's been a relief to me and i hope it will be for you as well. Best wishes for you to find a new therapist/care, and welcome!