What to expect from a Therapist?

Hello,

I usually do not write here, because I do not like to be in the body. But I can not tolerate to watch how we and especially Alea are treated by the therapist he sees. I think this person is actually doing more harm than good.
I do not deal much with the outside world, though and I am not completely sure what you can expect from a therapist. That is why I am asking here.

It starts with the fact that this therapist is always late, 5 to 10 minute at least. And he ends the sessions too early. The sessions should be 50 minutes, but usually are between 30 and 40 minutes. He especially likes to cut the session at the end, if Alea starts to ask questions.
I can understand that not all topics can be discussed in the last 10 minutes, but it is a repeating pattern and being late is not polite even if you are not paid for your time.

He appears very cold and distant. He never would shake hands or shows any sign that he might care about who ever is there. He is usually like a wall to talk to. With the difference that he gets payed by our insurance to do that. And I think even a wall would be more warm than this guy.

I suspect this person to not bother at all about his patients. He never does relate to anything that was talked about in a earlier session. He probably does even not remember.
He also contradicts himself if he ever bothers to give any suggestions, which he only does if Alea inquires.
Like in one session he says that Alea should not go in the inside world, because he could get lost. And an other time he says, he should go to more the inside and talk to others. Or he says that he should create an safe space inside and does not relate to the session two weeks earlier when Alea did already tell about the safe inside space we have for quite some time.
An other time he just suggested that the Alea should just do more sport and spend less time at the computer and then everything would be fine, without any relation why he went to this therapy in the first time.

Somehow Alea still thinks, that he might gain the trust of this guy and then finally achieves some help. That is why I think it is doing more harm than good, because Alea really hopes for help and I fear that he never will get any and he will get even more hurt.

But are there even therapists who do care about patients and try to connect to them and to help and learn the whole story and not only try to look like the listen for the next 30, or if we are lucky 50, minutes which they will get payed for and then forget all about it?
Or is it normal that therapy is just a place where you can talk to an organic human shaped being and hope that somehow that resolves problems?

Alasdair

He appears very cold and distant. He never would shake hands or shows any sign that he might care about who ever is there.
[...]
Or is it normal that therapy is just a place where you can talk to an organic human shaped being and hope that somehow that resolves problems?

I'm a psych student, and that's what we learn in class. They call that "neutral goodwill/kindness" (I don't know the right word in English). The point is to stay neutral but empathetic, in order to let the patient talks and says what they need to say. One of my teacher told us : "don't punctuate the patient's speech with things like 'okay', that would mean there's the possibility of a 'not okay' and they will try to say only 'okay' things while there's no 'okay/not okay' things in therapy. At the end, do not punctuate the patient's speech at all, you could interrupt it".
It's supposed to help to create the therapeutic alliance.

But what we don't lean : this attitude can do the opposite of the job with people with trust or attachment issues, like DID people, because if you're too neutral, you will appear as cold. Which doesn't help at all.

Plus the fact he doesn't seem consistent, I'm not surprised you don't feel comfortable with your T. We wouldn't be comfortable too. We don't like that kind of psych and already ran away from two of them.
We want someone who shows their emotions at least a little, because too much neutrality feels like the psych is as dissociate than we are.
We had a psych like that when we were younger, he was really caring and payed attention. At the end of the first session, he was more aware of our multiplicity than we were at this time. I remember well his comment about "me" because it made Daem react like "oh, maybe I will be able to talk to this guy, and maybe he will get it and able to explain to us what's going on". It was a strange, a bit scary, but a nice feeling. We wished to continue with this guy, but he fall really sick after two sessions and had to retire early.

All of this to say : all psych aren't like that. Some of them have decided to show their emotions (usually they've worked with teens at some point, the "neutral" attitude doesn't work with most of them), some even makes small jokes when it's appropriate (I have one teacher like that). If the "neutral psych" isn't right for you, you can search for another one with a different way to work.

i wonder what kind of practice it is.... dude just sounds burnt out to me.

I have been to several therapists and only one was helpful.

The last 3 I have been to literally YAWN during my sessions, and, they all seem like they are just "tolerating" the session rather than being truly engaged in their work (which is me).

I find it very unlikely I will ever go to a therapist again, unless my GP recommends that I do in order to get medication.

Hi,

He's supposed to be gaining your trust. You shouldn't have to gain his. And even if he's neutral he should still be involved. And on time.

Our T really cares about us. She has good boundaries but she says things like she enjoys working with us and cares when we're sad. She's kind of strict when we break the rules but she's totally on our side.

Iain

Hi Alasdair,

This guy just sounds all round bad. The constantly being late thing drives some of us nuts, and then shortchanging you on the sessions is just complete BS.

That's not even touching on the whole thing about trust and everything else.

We want to say, find yourself a better T. Find someone who you all like and can work with. Shop around.

Good luck.

Arin & others

Dwelt wrote:

Muninn wrote:He appears very cold and distant. He never would shake hands or shows any sign that he might care about who ever is there.
[...]
Or is it normal that therapy is just a place where you can talk to an organic human shaped being and hope that somehow that resolves problems?

...this attitude can do the opposite of the job with people with trust or attachment issues, like DID people, because if you're too neutral, you will appear as cold. Which doesn't help at all.

...Some of them have decided to show their emotions (usually they've worked with teens at some point, the "neutral" attitude doesn't work with most of them), some even makes small jokes when it's appropriate (I have one teacher like that). If the "neutral psych" isn't right for you, you can search for another one with a different way to work.

I also learned in the past that Ts are supposed to be "neutral," but that was back when it was thought that just talking about things to another human would somehow magically make them better. When I started seeing my current T, I was really suspicious of his motives when he would say that he liked me, or enjoyed working with me, or was so warm and caring. But it's exactly what Dwelt said--if you have attachment issues, and your feelings weren't considered important when you were young, it's a necessary component of therapy to for a T to show the client that they value them and enjoy working with them.

But, Alasdair, your T has many other strikes against him besides being "neutral." He is showing his lack of respect for you with his actions--being late, ending early, forgetting important details including what he himself has said to you. This is not a job where you can just "phone it in." (And he isn't even pretending to do that!) You deserve better.

what you describe is what we often see in psych docs here. they get different training than psychological therapists.
it might help to check on that, to see what the qualifications really are.
does the T specialize in anything? if it is classic psycho analysis he might be doing it mostly right but you are in the wrong place.
you probably want something like trauma-adapted CBT for better help.

Hello,

Thank you all for your answers and explanations.

I now can better imagine that the stance of the therapists might make sense in other therapeutic relationships. Bun our case it is probably not what we need. Of course boundaries would still be necessary, but it would help for example, if a therapist at least shows somehow that he "sees" us and that it is also in his professional interest that we make some progress.

If I manage to be present in the next session, I will try to talk to the therapist about this issue. Maybe we did not communicate well enough what we are looking for. But I also start to look for another therapist. It still is probably good, to be nice to the current one, because we are dependent of him if we try to end the therapy.
I learned today, that if he does not cooperate, we could be locked out of insurance covering for further therapies for some years. That would be bad. It would be difficult to afford any regular sessions with our income.

does the T specialize in anything? if it is classic psycho analysis he might be doing it mostly right but you are in the wrong place.
you probably want something like trauma-adapted CBT for better help.

It is supposed to be some sort of CBT, and we found him on a list of therapists with trauma-experience. But maybe there is a reason why he was available as the only therapist among many we tried to contact. Most in our area have waiting times longer than 6 month or even do not consider at all to take new patients.

Thanks again!
Alasdair

try to get him to refer you to someone else. insurance often accepts that.