TW: Xmas / Holiday / Family etc rant

*** trigger warning : ranting & talking abt family xmas stuff ***

We've been talking inside a bit about the approaching holiday, and what it all means to us and stuff.

For us, Xmas is a time of shouting, of stress, of family fights, of guilt trips and shame. Its about being forced to spend time with people we don't like - drunk uncles and evil aunts and clueless old people with dementia.

One of the best 'family xmases' we ever had was the one that happened the year our dad died, cos it was the one with the least amount of fighting. Maybe no fighting at all. We mistakenly thought that meant our dad was the instigator and with him gone holidays would be peaceful.

No, it's just that our mum was still grieving too much to stir up $#%^. In the years since, the fighting and shouting and stress have slowly returned, cos she's just found new people (sister and us) to be uptight at.

Every year the mother says she wants xmas to be perfect. Wants it to be just like it always was. We dunno what she's remembering or what fantasy she has of a perfect xmas. She's always done this and she's always got so uptight about it being perfect that it turns into arguments and shouting.

She claims she wants it to be perfect for 'the kids'. What kids. When sis and us were young, maybe like < 10yo, maybe it was better? Except we doubt it, she was probably shouty with dad right from the start. Now the sister's kids are all teens and they don't give a damn about it either. Just feed them & give them money and let them bang away on their phones with their friends.

Whenever we (sis or us) call her on her shouty argumenty BS she gets all sad and makes like she's just doing it for us and wants it all to be perfect like it 'used to be' and tries to make us guilty that its our fault for ruining things.

This year she even said she was sad that there's no little kids for her to make 'xmas perfect' for. Cos its never been about kids. Its always been about her trying to recreate some imaginary fantasy #######4 perfect xmas. She just needs kids to play the role to make her fantasy complete.

For the past few years we've not done a big xmas meal, just had like, snacks and appetizers which we all prefer, easier and less formal and less stresssful. this year she wants to do the big full xmas dinner again and before i knew it i was volunteered into being there all day to help cook it. Cos she's too feeble to lift the turkey etc so I gotta be there 1st thing in the morning to get it cooking.

She lives outta town from me and i'm not gonna drive to her town to put the thing in the oven then drive home again then drive back at dinner so I gotta be there all day. And she's gonna be playing ######6 xmas music all day long and she's gonna want to be all 'in the xmas spirit' and $#%^.

Melissa has told me she's sad cos that means she has to hide all day long, we gotta be all focused on 'best behavior' -- like in the old days -- and we can't watch her cartoons or listen to her music and all that stuff.

Except now I'm thinking, we'll bring our headphones and listen to her music. And maybe load some of her shows onto our phone then she can watch them if we can get some time alone or whatever.

And we've decided too, that if we gotta spend all day on the 25th with 'family' then we've declared the 26th to be a new special holiday. It's gonna be Littles' Day. Its gonna be just for us, private at home, with toys and games and colouring and cartoons and snacks and fun stuff. Not just Melissa but all the littles can do what they want, if they want.

So that's gonna be our plan. Littles' Day, dec 26th. Our reward for surviving the 25th.

V2 and other Fluxes.

I'm so sorry you're going to have to deal with stressful triggery stuff.
BUT.. I think the headphones and phone for Melissa's music and shows is an awesome idea, and I totally LOVE your new "littles day" holiday!!!

Good luck!
K

Thank you K.

I was also reminded this morning, that our first xmas would have been in foster care, with our first abusers. I dunno but that might play into our problems with this time of year too.

There's no way to know but I can't help thinking, I wonder if they were religeous people. Cos if they were that might explain a whole lot of stuff.

I think we're gonna try to talk about this with our T next week. Rebecca had originally wanted the session but it's our last one before the break and I think this stuff is more important.

V2

I don't know--I found myself wondering how far she actually lives and if it would save yourselves a WHOLE lot of stress if you DID just drive there to stick the bird in the oven, then relaxed at home, and then just went back for dinner.

Also, who the f*ck doesn't even have a neighbor who can come over to put a turkey in the oven for an old lady??

If you HAVE to stay there, though, you have some good ideas.

NoName and others

Hey NoName & others.

Yeah it's like a 45 minute drive each way, maybe longer depending on weather and traffic.

But yeah she's got neighbors etc too who coulda helped. Or, you know, the ######6 sister who lives 5 GODDAMN MINUTES AWAY could have come round to stick the dumb turkey in the oven for her.

But no, the sister's gonna be busy having her happy xmas morning whatever with her kids, dont wanna impose on that. Don't wanna impose on neighbors cos their busy with their own stuff.

It's just a dumb ploy to get Violet to come spend the whole day with her so she won't be lonely and she probably thinks Violet would be sad having to spend xmas alone or whatever too, like ###$ THAT being alone Or being with Friends is all we ######6 want for xmas!

What's almost as bad as the old woman's manipulations is the idiot V fell for it!

And she's not gonna back out cos she's too timid about that crap - oh nooo we promised, gotta go through with it wah wah wah.

Whatever. We're all on board with the Littles Day thing afterwards.

Mike

Hey, Mike—good to hear from you.That all sounds really f*cking annoying as hell. The sister can’t take 15 minutes out of her morning and tell her kids she’s helping Grandma??

Oh well, maybe you guys can at least get out of the house and take a walk when you’re there.

Love the Littles Day idea, especially if the day before has to mostly suck for them.

NoName

Possible TW : death:

I've always found xmas difficult since my mum died years ago, it lost its magic then as my dad couldn't cope and told other family members 'not to bother' when they'd phoned asking what we wanted for xmas. My mum had passed just the month before in Nov so it was a tough first xmas. I was 21 age wise but much younger emotionally, my younger brother was 15.

Due to my autism (and my parents not knowing I had autism at the time) it was difficult I was expected to know and understand alot of things I didn't have a clue about and still start a new job a week after her funeral to help my dad pay the bills. I didn't even understand death at the time and where people went when they died. All I knew was I'd never see her again with no idea what I'd done wrong to deserve this. For many years I hated having to get through xmas, my brother was grown up and married by the time it became more bearable with a large family of inlaws, who admittedly did spoil me (I had my diagnosis by then) and we did get loads of presents as their family was so big.

They've divorced now and I haven't seen a single one of them since (his partner and her family I mean) I still go to my brother's house xmas day every year, its just an afternoon out now, its kind of special as he has the house we grew up in so alot of memories and now its just me and him and no in laws kids dominating the day, its a much more relaxed affair. I don't often get chance to spend quality time with him and so as we're both older and both have medical issues I guess we appreciate the opportunity to just be ourselves in our family home with no pressure.

We do get each other something we'd both like or need but never got round to buying ourselves during the year, from each other but don't do nearly as many gifts as we did when he was married to the inlaws..tbh my dog gets more presents cos I love watching him unwrap them! (he's so spoilt..lol!)

I think Christmas is very commercialised now. My best memories of xmas are back in the 70's growing up in a small village with simple gifts at xmas and we usually also had snow xmas day back then! There didn't seem to be the competition of who had the best or the most expensive presents like some neighbours did when my bro and I were grown up and people getting themselves into debt so each kid can have like £1,000 each spent on them for PS4's and iPhones plus a variety of 'stocking fillers' as they all seem to get these days!

The inlaws kids used to be a big trigger for me and make xmas day stressful so I'm kind of relieved my bro and his partner never had kids, neither did his last gf so it has been adults only for the last 4 yrs or so and just 2-3 humans and a couple of dogs basically enjoying an afternoon together and a roast dinner! (and a few drinks!.. I've no objection to a few xmas tipples and a very boozy xmas trifle! {hic} ) It's just a nice afternoon out for a change of scene now as I'm mostly housebound and don't leave the house other than to walk the dog at quietest times of the day.

sometimes when I get stuck in a bind like that.......

I just flake out and cancel and say I'm sick. it seems to hurt people's feelings less than telling them to ###$ off.

but I did tell my dad to ###$ off for Christmas and that was amazing. it felt so SATISFYING.

Yeah we totally agree about the whole thing being commercialized to death. Seeing all the ads and stuff about spend spend spend $ $ $ and stuff, is pretty gross. But we're just as put out by the xtian religious side of it too, and the way its just blatantly assumed everyone's supposed to celebrate it or be happy about it or what the ###$ ever.

That $#%^ is just as annoying and just as bad as far as we're concerned, especially if people are trying to stuff it down our throat or get pissy at us just cos we're not into it.

One year someone in the neighborhood stuck some decoration crap on the front of our house. Maybe they were trying to be nice, maybe they thought we were too poor to decorate or something? Whatever. We refused to acknowledge it or touch it. Just ignored it. Around March the next year it mysteriously moved to go next to where we keep the garbage cans, then a couple weeks later it mysteriously vanished completely and never returned. Hopefully someone got the message lol.

Like, I don't care, if folks wanna do big xmas blow-outs with gifts and 8 course meals and 20 guests and whatever. Do it. Do whatever you want. Just don't try forcing it on us.

Calling it off and feigning sick isn't a bad idea BeccaBee. I think we did that to get out of thanksgiving lol. Violet's gonna go through with the xmas stuff this year and maybe by next year we'll have better boundaries.

She's pretty good at not letting the old woman manipulate her, when its by phone. In person tho is harder and even I fall into old habits when we're around her. Good reason not to be around her, really.

Viola

I so much can relate to not liking Christmas...

I am still pondering if I will visit my parents and the whole lot of family there. I am easily triggered by religion (part of trauma) and I hate being around a lot of people, without having personal space, and at the moment all contact with family tends to end up with a lot of dissociation and stuff. And at Christmas everything comes together...

But it is also difficult for me to say no and to know that especially my mother will be sad and disappointed. But I am also not sure if I am doing everyone a favor be being there and showing discomfort.

Hope you will find a good way to dodge it, VioletFlux. Being sick does not sound so bad as an excuse (but in my case probably no one would believe it)