Triggered about SOs

I've come to realize I find it very triggering to see SOs writing in here about how to get thru defenders. Changing tips and clues how to go pass someones boundaries, sounds to me straight out abusive. It's systems own job to negotiate about things like that, not SOs job to play mind games. To me there's not a lot difference between that kind of advice and things like pedophile guidebooks. This is how you make someone to feel trusty in the first place, and this is how you can get yourself over their boundaries. It's all same methods.

You have no right to play yourself thru anyone's boundaries. If you are truly a safe and not controlling person to be around, you can wait, until system has negotiated their opinion on you within themselves. You don't play with parts who don't have communication with other parts of the system. If you are truly safe and not controlling, you help them to create communication, and don't deal with them as separate beings just because it's easier like that. They are part of system, and systems make their own rules they all can live with.

There's a group of people talking about this stuff the way it triggers me, and actually I'm aware of it to the point I think they either operate together, or are just one person. Same type of things are going on privately. I link these things to be one very same thing all together.

Am I alone with the feeling, or is there others who have spot it and feel uncomfortable about those talks? I'm not going to change my mind about it, even if others don't spot it. It's build up pretty well over some time and hidden.

How do others think about outsiders getting over systems defenders and boundaries? To us it's the thing number one to respect them, and deal with them straightly with the whole system. Changing experiences over "how did you managed to do this to your SO with DID" is abusive to me. I think all that talk should be forbidden.

Trigger warning mind control

It's not uncommon systems are systems, not singulars, because someone have used techniques to get thru their defense mechanisms at very early age. Some might have been just forced, but some have been played with before too. It's repulsive the same techniques will be used again by their SOs later on. It's also damaging. It's damaging also when it's made again the same way, when the subject don't realize it's technique used against them, but really feel trusty. Just like they did the first time. And when they actually spot it, it's so easy to get them quiet by blaming them to be the one who is crazy and being difficult.

Trigger warning ends.

I've not seen any SO's who regularly post on here who's behaviour troubles me. Some SO's new to the forum or people talking about there SO's I often find concerning.

Floralie wrote:To me there's not a lot difference between that kind of advice and things like pedophile guidebooks. This is how you make someone to feel trusty in the first place, and this is how you can get yourself over their boundaries. It's all same methods.

I quoted the above because I find it highly offensive. Being a victim od SA as a child and someone explaining how to get someone to trust are not even vaguely close. One is a complete violation of a child who is probably completely unable to protect themselves and the offering guidance on how to establish something that is vital to any kind of successful relationship with a person predisposed to not trusting and is capable of protecting themselves from trusting people (because if they weren't the question wouldn't be asked in the first place.)

People can take advantage of you more easily when you trust them but it doesn't matter if its a romantic relationship or a friendship or even a work relationship if trust doesn't exist it makes everything difficult and in some cases impossible so trust is an essential part of daily life. And people who have had there trust violated often find it hard to trust and sometimes don't even know how, so it is a valid question to ask how to earn trust for people wanting a relationship with someone who has trust issues.

The thing is, you DON'T work yourself thru anyone's defenders. You respect their defenders and every single boundary. And they work their own trust issues within themselves, or with their Ts or whatever. They tell you when they are ready. Systems should not be subjects you do something to. That is the attitude what makes it comparable with other situations where you do something to someone over their boundaries.

Yes you do work with them and I don't remember seeing anyone who regularly posts here saying differently.

Floralie wrote:The thing is, you DON'T work yourself thru anyone's defenders. You respect their defenders and every single boundary. And they work their own trust issues within themselves, or with their Ts or whatever. They tell you when they are ready. Systems should not be subjects you do something to. That is the attitude what makes it comparable with other situations where you do something to someone over their boundaries.

I completely agree with this, but I also haven't seen any SOs saying anything different. Trying to win someone's trust is different from "working yourself through" a boundary.

Some advice from a longtime participant here:

Don't engage intimately with others via private messaging. Keep it public and keep it limited to what is appropriate and safe to share in public.

If something you read in a thread here bothers you post a comment about it in that thread, quoting exactly the content that bothers you.

If you think multiple posters here are one person who is "playing" us, log in and use the "!" button to report their posts or profiles for review by an admin and in your report say what you think.

As probably the most vocal SO of the moment, I apologize if I have upset you.

If it was me, would you like to talk about specifics?

My goal here is to give back to the community for all the help and guidance it has provided in helping my wife and all in her system. I try to provide advice when prudent but mostly stay out of the way as I understand this board isn’t for my issues.

DID patients are thought to be easy victims to people who want to continue traumatizing others, for one reason or another. This is an international site for people with all kind of mental issues. There's own section for people with antisocial behaviors for example, and there used to be section for BDSM, but it's been closed for 3 years now. Probably there was a reason for why it needed to be closed, but I wasn't here then, so I can just guess why.

It would be stupid to assume every person in here is what they claim they are, or that they are here to have support. There might be many for other interests, writing or just reading from background. That is why I hope personally, people wouldn't tell openly about their traumas in details, especially, if they are sexual in nature. This is just overall always-remember-this type of thing, when you do write online with people you don't know, and from my perspective this is the kind of place that can attract also the kind of people legitimate DID patients don't wish to come here. Talking about parts fighting over what they should wear probably don't keep them interested, detailed trauma descriptions do.

There is nothing I could report. People are not stupid. If they want to have victims for themselves, they want to create trust first. There are few ways how you can appear to be trustworthy, like for example when you seem to know another writer personally. It might be true, or it might be just to make them look safe. There can also be group of people, who really DO know each other, and have similar plans. It doesn't make them safe. This is just an example.

I don't have proof it's happening in here, and I'm not into getting proof either. I just have bad feeling about some things. I hope people are wise enough they would never meet anyone from place like this face-to-face. Sadly there are also people who do look for saviors, and they are the ones predators are interested in. That is why I also hope it's always a clear message, there is no such thing as someone coming and suddenly changing your life. It's hard work YOU need to do yourself in therapy, it's not about finding someone to safe you. You getting rid of your problems is not about finding a right man to take care of you. If someone claims that's what they can do, I suspect them to be possibly dangerous people looking for their next victim.

I haven't received any PMs that would need to be reported. There was nothing threatening in the messages I wanted to stop when I asked how to do it, or they didn't continue after I would've said I've had enough. I stopped their ability to contact me before that kind of situation could have happened. I only cut PMs from a person who has not ever send any public messages in here (at least not with that user name). So I'm not having difficulties with anyone in here (that I know of).

I don't have anything against PMs in general. If someone of the active writers in here has something to say they feel is a bit too personal to public side, I'm OK with PMs in general. I have noticed it's a custom in here to ask for a permission to PM, and to me it feels odd, because I've been in forums before where people were happy to receive PMs. I guess it's different culture here, and possibly for those exact reasons mentioned. We haven't been in international forum before, that makes it different from little communities where many people actually do know each other from real life as well.

I told in one earlier conversation to PlanetIcarus they can also PM me their answer if they prefer, or even want to answer me in the first place, when they seemed to be very overwhelmed. That is my whole PM history.

I haven't had any private problems with any registered usernames who write in here. I say this, because I don't want anyone innocent to be suspected.

And yes, I have been triggered about how some writers have described their SOs to behave, like not being supportive. But that is a different thing I was talking about in here. Relationships have problems, and we hear only one part of the story, even when we can hear it from several different parts it's still just half of the story. I have clearly wrote I've been triggered when writing then, so they can decide themself what is based on their true situation and what is based on my own trauma affecting how we feel about it.

That all sounds pretty reasonable to me.

I also agree that not everyone may be as they seem. That is the good and bad about being anonymous. I am comfortable using my real name on other forums, but use Hank here. That’s what Sunflower and I agreed on. Also Sunflower is the only one on here I know IRL.

I was reading an article last night (maybe in the Atlantic) about maintaining privacy in facebook groups. It talked about one group that was successful and helping people, but did not disclose that the founder also used it to select clients for a treatment clinic he owned. Could be for high minded helpful reasons, could be all about the money. From the outside it sure looks a touch fishy…

Also part of me would like the conversations hidden from the public. On the other hand, viewing them was very helpful in helping my wife and seeing the community and a lot of unanswered SO questions got me off my rump to join.

Trust is hard. Trust though can only be based on track record. Takes a long time to build trust and a moment to break it. And harder to rebuild if it has been broken before.

My life experience has taught me no one is as they seem. I learned the hard way that I was not as I seemed, when my insiders began to reveal themselves to me. Oops.

My life experience has taught me also that in general public online forums are safer for everyone than similar forums behind password walls. Public forums are safer mostly because posting in public requires being more circumspect. Certainly there is far less vicarious trauma here, as we do not feel free to disclose many details. Closed groups, if they are healthy, also discourage unrestrained disclosure, for the mental health of all parties.

My safety does not depend on trusting that others are as they say they are; nor does it depend on my distrusting anyone. Keeping myself safe has almost nothing to do with trusting or not trusting others; it has everything to do with my own conduct.

People who want to abuse us don't need to post here or even read here to figure out how to do that.

It is apparent that the majority of SOs have no difficulty recognizing and selectively engaging with our alters, even without having the faintest idea that what is going on with us is DID. That was my own experience too. My awakening to DID came through an encounter with a man, barely an acquaintance, who I recognized was switching states with amnesia between states. I did my best to ensure a relatively safe state was present with me. Who wouldn't do that? Isn't that what all social animals do? So I knew nothing about DID, and yet I used the additional leverage DID gave me.