Host gone suddenly?!

NyxX wrote:I'm going to sidetrack here a little because I realised why we are often triggered when you and Zor talk about the wife. We spent our childhood putting the wants and needs of someone before our own even when those wants were to hurt us we still put them before our own needs. So when we see or hear about others putting someone else's before there own it upsets us.

So I wanted to say you have just as much of a right to have your needs and wants met as Zor and the wife do. And we will try to remember we may be overacting to things you guys type about her and keep that in mind when we respond in future.

We are like still trying to get her to like accept US and not JUST HIM... so like we're figuring out that balance. The ONE THING I want right now is like leggings of my own, and I'd LOVE a skirt or dress to like feel like a girl when I'm out- cuz well, I'm a girl and I like to be one...lol
But she like FREAKED OUT over just leggings... "You give them even that little bit and next thing I know you'll be traipsing around in a sundress." She snapped. Uh... no, ZOR won't be... and _I_ don't "traipse" or prance! Not unless I'm in heels and/or doing it to like flirt with Angel.

But yeah, I get what you mean and we agree... just totally like trying to find a balance.

{\Pixie/}

SOHank wrote:Is Zor back this morning? Curious if sleeping is a reset for him like it is for Sunflower.


Floralie: While I completely agree with your points of making sure your needs are met and especially like the idea of her talking to others with DID to get further perspective, please try not to be to hard on Zor’s wife. She IS still standing by Zor and that says something by itself. With time there may still be better understanding and acceptance. We also don't know her situation, she may already be doing the best she can.

It’s a lot for someone with DID to even accept DID. Even when there is acceptance there is often frequent denial. Take a step back and now you aren’t actually experiencing things, it’s your SO. Top that off Hollywood misconceptions, schizophrenia is more commonly known and seems similar to a novice, well known and somewhat respected individuals claiming it doesn’t exist, and the drastic changes in therapy for trauma based mental health over the last several years that a lot of T’s haven’t even caught up with yet. It’s hard to sift through whats out there to get legit information to even understand what is going on.

There may not be anything she can do to bring Zor back anyway. I have not been able to bring Sunflower back any of the times she’s gone missing. Meg has only been able to do it once. It seems to just take time.

So like as I said to NyxX, I agree with what you're saying Floralie... we're like trying to be gentle in easing this in more and more, cuz like now that we're known, and that like we're here... we kinda wanna BE HERE more and like not "ninja like"... and that means like BEING US... cuz it's been low key and secret like forever.

IDK that Zor's absence yesterday was caused by this, much less this ALONE... but I have like no doubt it was part of it.
--
So let me update like everyone on this... He came back at about like 6:30pm last night- ending a very uncomfortable car ride with his wife for me... thank goodness...

So let me give like a brief timeline of yesterday to like explain it better maybe.
We got up at like 7am. he fed the dogs, did like some morning stuff.. I came out for a little while at about like 8-8:30'ish... then at like 9:30 he got a text from some friend of his about wanting to talk to his wife for like a favor, about that time she woke up (she works nights and gets into bed at about 6am) and I stepped back so he could see it and like tell her while she was briefly up...
About 10'ish I found myself out again... and was out like 45mins when the neighbors got to mowing and I had to like "hide" and I went "in" - so his wife wouldn't like freak out if she figured out it was me (just like making BOTH of our lives easier there)... and like he was there for another half hour maybe...

Then from like 11:15-11:30 sometime in there... I suddenly was out again and wasn't like expecting to be... and he was like gone... Usually I have a sense of him and like what's up, even when he's "not here" cuz I'm out, or someone else is... but this was diff. I couldn't.
So like this went on like 2 hours... about as long as I like to stay out at a time anyway - cuz he has stuff to do around the house and things like classes he does online he wants to do... so I left... nothing.. so 15 mins later I came back- the body had not moved AT ALL...
An hour or so later, I do it again... same thing... so by this time I'm like "something's NOT normal"...
And this went on like all afternoon...

Finally at like 4'ish his wife gets up and like totally calls me out as "you're not you are you?" immediately. I was like, "uh... well..." and she said it again... "It's been that kinda day..." And she had like called for Zor, so I went out there, and I guess mannerisms she said gave it away- never did before so IDK how that works (maybe cuz she's watching us for it now?), and so I asked "So like what's up?" and her kinda blunt reply was "I want to talk to Zor, not you." And I was like... well.. uh... now what?! So I was just feeling weird being like stared at like she was, so I left the room and clearly felt uneasy as she did...

So I avoid her and like try to not like say anything to her... she comes in the kitchen where I am cleaning up at one point and gets a coffee cup and I mention I'd cleaned her normal one and she like just looks at me and walks away, not even like a word or nod to reply.

So like at 6'ish she says we need to go to her sister's to drop something off... I get changed into Zor's clothes (I was in pjs- I don't have anything of my own right now, and sooooo wouldn't wear it in front of her anyway cuz she'd like FREAK OUT)... and we get going and she looks at me and says "well this is hurtful and awkward..." and I'm like soooo not comfortable...

THANKFULLY it was like maybe 10 mins later Zor came back... and totally ended my suffering...
--

So he wrote in our journal thingy today- replying to like my several writings yesterday while he was gone- that he was "Not nowhere, but not in any place". He jokingly called it "Tahiti" saying cuz "it is a magical place." (If you watch "Agents of SHIELD" you'll get the reference). Says it was a place without noise, not the sounds of the world, the noise of his ears ringing (the body does that, soooo annoying), or like even thoughts racing... just "calmness, serenity, and safe" is how he described it.

It SOOOOOO sounds like the place I call "between"- like between Neverland (what _I_ call the inside world) and like outside. Which is HUGE cuz it's like the first step to GETTING INSIDE.

He's never mentioned this "not a place kinda place" before, so IDK... maybe he's getting INSIDE. I told him when we were little Kitten and I had a place like that we went to, and it was where we found our way to the world inside... IDK if we like shaped it, made it, or like it was always here and we had to like find it- but it sounds a LOT like the "quiet safe place" we used to go to, and to get here through when we were little girls.

So all's good like now, he's here, he's back. He feels better he wrote... but isn't sure what was going on himself, why he left and went there and why so long... just sorta happened. I am thinking that like subconsciously he knew he like needed a break and to like recharge and get away to like that safe "not a place place" to like clear his mind and stuff... But man a warning would have been nice- and being back before his wife was like around woulda been AWESOME!

{\Pixie/}

I'm glad he is back and that he is OK. And sorry you had to deal with the wife sounds like it sucked

Hi Pixie,

I'm glad Zor's back and all.

Some observations / thoughts, that I know this is none of my business, but maybe you should think about not sneaking around / hiding from the wife. Like sooner or later you and she are gonna have to deal with this stuff. Like maybe next time instead of trying to pretend to be him and then avoiding her when caught, maybe just be honest with her? Like tell her you're not him, he's not around right now?

I dunno maybe that's not good advice cos I don't know you or her, but I think since she already knows about the DID and stuff, better to be honest. Otherwise she's just gonna be less trusty cos she thinks you're being sneaky.

I don't want to scare you (or Zor) or whatever, but maybe you should also think about what you'll do when/if this happens again? What if Zor is gone for longer next time? Will you be the only one to fill in for him? Will others in your system be able to help you? How will you all deal with the wife?

Eg. a few times, older Violet (she's supposed to be Host here) disappeared into our in-between for days at a time. One time she was gone in there for 10 days before she came back. Last time she disappeared in there, she never came back. That was 81 days ago...

Not saying this sort of thing happens with every DID system, but it can happen. Maybe best to be prepared incase it does happen some time.

Violet

I'm sorry to hear how she treated you. That is hard but it sounds like you were able to handle it. I hope things get better between the two of you.

Did you share what was happening with her? How you couldn't find Zor. Maybe even show her this thread? She may not believe you, but later confirmation from Zor could help build trust between you and the wife perhaps. I remember the first time it happened to Sunflower I was concerned and almost a bit hostile. I thought someone had "pushed her out" when in fact she had "receded" on her own. Afterwards I was very grateful for Meg and AJ to keep everything going though I know it was tiring for them.

I very much agree with Violet on having a plan. May never happen again, but odds are it will. I guess Sunflower is lucky in that Meg does a good enough impersonation that unless someone knows and is looking for it, she just looks a bit extra serious and focused. But you are right, little mannerisms used to tip me off. I say used to as most of them are more comfortable around me as themselves. Only gets confusing now when someone is going co-conscious.

Glad Zor is back.

VioletFlux wrote:Hi Pixie,

I'm glad Zor's back and all.

Some observations / thoughts, that I know this is none of my business, but maybe you should think about not sneaking around / hiding from the wife. Like sooner or later you and she are gonna have to deal with this stuff. Like maybe next time instead of trying to pretend to be him and then avoiding her when caught, maybe just be honest with her? Like tell her you're not him, he's not around right now?

I dunno maybe that's not good advice cos I don't know you or her, but I think since she already knows about the DID and stuff, better to be honest. Otherwise she's just gonna be less trusty cos she thinks you're being sneaky.

I don't want to scare you (or Zor) or whatever, but maybe you should also think about what you'll do when/if this happens again? What if Zor is gone for longer next time? Will you be the only one to fill in for him? Will others in your system be able to help you? How will you all deal with the wife?

Eg. a few times, older Violet (she's supposed to be Host here) disappeared into our in-between for days at a time. One time she was gone in there for 10 days before she came back. Last time she disappeared in there, she never came back. That was 81 days ago...

Not saying this sort of thing happens with every DID system, but it can happen. Maybe best to be prepared incase it does happen some time.

Violet

Ironically, Zor like wrote very similar advice to me in the journal thingy. So like talking to her is gonna be a thing next time- well, I'll TRY and if she doesn't wanna talk, so be it. But I can at least tell her.

As for like being gone a long time- this is like super super rare that Zor's been gone like this and I was totally caught off guard. But yeah, I think he mentioned wanting to like talk to her just in case it happens again and like trying to explain it to her now that he has an idea of what happened too.

{\Pixie/}

-- Tue Oct 30, 2018 12:40 pm --

SOHank wrote:I'm sorry to hear how she treated you. That is hard but it sounds like you were able to handle it. I hope things get better between the two of you.

Did you share what was happening with her? How you couldn't find Zor. Maybe even show her this thread? She may not believe you, but later confirmation from Zor could help build trust between you and the wife perhaps. I remember the first time it happened to Sunflower I was concerned and almost a bit hostile. I thought someone had "pushed her out" when in fact she had "receded" on her own. Afterwards I was very grateful for Meg and AJ to keep everything going though I know it was tiring for them.

I very much agree with Violet on having a plan. May never happen again, but odds are it will. I guess Sunflower is lucky in that Meg does a good enough impersonation that unless someone knows and is looking for it, she just looks a bit extra serious and focused. But you are right, little mannerisms used to tip me off. I say used to as most of them are more comfortable around me as themselves. Only gets confusing now when someone is going co-conscious.

Glad Zor is back.

She is like for real freaked out and uncomfortable with all this. She's totally not like "in control" like she likes to be and this is drama and stress- two things she doesn't like, esp at like home and stuff... I can understand to a degree, cuz like if Angel was suddenly other ppl, I'd be like concerned and weirded out for a while, too... and they've been married 16, going on 17, years. And this was NEVER known to her (or him)... so it's a shock and like hard to figure out...

And she's a Type A kinda person and cuz of her job she's jaded a bit, suspicious a lot, etc... so I totally get it... but it's soooooo super hard to like make progress when I get a very "I hate that you even exist, much less here" kinda feeling from her.

So no, I didn't tell her what was going on. Her very upset tone and short "I want to talk to him, not you." remark kinda made me like go into shut down silence and avoidance mode- until Zor came back cuz I was kinda worried and like almost a little scared. Not comfortable for either of us at all.

So like as I posted a sec ago, we're gonna try and like work on talking to her and stuff- started a journal thingy she can read, and hopefully write back to me (any of us) in, and like maybe talk to her next time I'm out and she's like around... We'll see... and we're gonna like try and make a plan or like give her something to like feel ok when I'm around if I happen to be for some reason...

All part of learning to live with this, to live with each other so actively and with like intent, right?

{\Pixie/}

Thanks for the support and suggestions everyone.

I wasn't prepared for yesterday either. I have a vague sense of being "somewhere else" that was generally just overwhelming feelings of calmness, serenity, and safety. No outside world noises, no tinnitus (perpetual ringing in the ears), not even the flood of thoughts that usually bombards my mind non-stop... It was just... There. I was just... there... and for the time I was (I couldn't have even begun to guess until I was back, it felt like both forever and the blink of an eye) there, it was immensely satisfying.

I wasn't aware of how long it was until I was back and it was getting dark already, well into the evening... it was morning when I "left". It wasn't something I planned, and I still don't quite know where I was, how I got there, or why it happened... But I DO know it wasn't "bad"...

I am sure Pixie and my wife disagree to an extent... but that is the suddenness and surprise of it, I'm sure. Pixie tells me this sounds like a place she and Kitten used to go to get "inside", a sort of waypoint I guess... a "doorway" area... I don't know. I don't have much memory of there being really anything at all where ever I was at. It and I just were...

This is a bit unsettling. I guess it's happened before but without awareness of why and thinking it was something connected to poor sleep habits, shift work at odd hours, or (years later) the narcolepsy-like medical condition... I never thought it was something to panic about... Knowing now that others were out and I don't remember b/c I wasn't here... Well it's something different. Mostly different because of the suddenness, the unexpected/unplanned nature of it, and that it was so very long (I'm guessing 6+ hours Pixie was out yesterday b/c of this).

I am going to talk to my wife again today, now that I've got a better sense of what happened, and to the T about it when I see him tomorrow... I hope between us, (all of us internally; us and my wife; and us and the doctor- all of these) we can come up with something, some sort of "game plan" should this happen again.
It's happened once, I can't rule out it happening again. Heck, I can't even think of a good reason to suggest it wouldn't.

Hi Zor,

It sounds a little bit like what we call our 'in-between'. It's like a barrier that separates the inside from the outside. If we go deep in there, it's like sensory deprivation or something. Time stops and you're not aware of anything.

So like, when V1 was gone for 10 days, she was deep in there, and when she emerged she thought she'd only been gone for like 12 hours. I'm told that she's deep in there again now, so she has no idea it's been almost 3 months since she was last with us. When/if she ever returns, she'll have a lot of catching-up to do.

Good luck with the T and the wife, hopefully you get things sorted out and all.

Violet

VioletFlux wrote:Hi Zor,

It sounds a little bit like what we call our 'in-between'. It's like a barrier that separates the inside from the outside. If we go deep in there, it's like sensory deprivation or something. Time stops and you're not aware of anything.

So like, when V1 was gone for 10 days, she was deep in there, and when she emerged she thought she'd only been gone for like 12 hours. I'm told that she's deep in there again now, so she has no idea it's been almost 3 months since she was last with us. When/if she ever returns, she'll have a lot of catching-up to do.

Good luck with the T and the wife, hopefully you get things sorted out and all.

Violet

Thanks Violet. Pixie kind of called it an "in between" place, too- something sort of as a waypoint, like I said, between the outside and inside worlds.

It was odd, but not a bad thing at all... in fact, it was very good. Maybe in more controlled "exploration" this will be a good place to retreat to so I can clear my head and stuff.

Wow, Pixie.

1. It sounds like Zor is very lucky to have you handle things while he is away. You did a very good job and we're proud of you (if that matters, seeing as how you do not know us).

2. The wife... *sigh*.... I agree. She is uncomfortable, and that is understandable. May I ask, is it simply that it's "someone else" that is in there with Zor that makes her uncomfortable? Or is it the fact that you are a girl and Zor is a man, and she cannot deal with the gender issue? Or is it a mix of both?

3. Do you and Zor (or others in your system) see a therapist? If so, has he (or you) invited her to attend a therapy session with you all?

4. Again, I just want to compliment you on how well you handled a strange and stressful situation. We were relieved when we realized we could stop pretending to be K around our husband. I truly hope you and the wife can work something out. Perhaps you could tell her, "I know this is weird and uncomfortable for you, but it hasn't been easy on me (or us) either. I'd really like you to be able to accept me for me, especially since the trauma that caused this condition within our mind was not our fault, it was abuse that we are working to overcome, and I could really use a friend."

Perhaps put that way, she may see things differently? If it's difficult to say, perhaps you could write her a letter?

Delilah