New journey (thread)

Hi exul,

That sounds like it went really well! I can imagine that must have been difficult for both you and her, but we're glad that it went ok.

Arin

Thank you very much Arin. I can imagine it probably was more difficult for her than for us at this point, by how she said some things.

Hope you're all doing great!

We're still on a holiday with our family after having passed our last uni exam.
The exam went pretty well, even though I (the host) am really bad at statistics since I'm dyscalculic. Xavier was with me when we did the exam and I suspect it was because of him that we passed, like another time in the middle of the academic year. He loves math and loves to front in situations of stress, so he's often a lifesaver.
Apart from this, Xavier is also fronting very much in this period, maybe because he feels like having less responsibility since we're not studying anymore. He came out mostly with our mom, and I think that's because he doesn't feel like he has to hide that much anymore since she knows. He didn't tell her that he was out though, since both he and (mostly) I feel like it would be too much for her to know that the person in front of her is a different person than her child. Maybe one day we'll be able to tell.
Xavier also took an IQ test, and we pleasently found out that his working memory works really well, despite me (us?) being diagnosed with a deficient working memory. He also possibily has a higher IQ than myself. It would be really fun just to be professionally tested to see if that's true.

This said, there are also bad news if we wanna call them that.
The bad feeling keeps coming and we don't know what triggers it, but we're starting to see a pattern.
If it's summer, we're with anyone from our family, and our body's not fully covered, then almost certainly it will kick in at some point. We thought it had to do with the thought of our aunt's house, but in the end it's not. Sometimes we get it even if we simply remove our bra from under our clothes and somebody from our family is present.
It's becoming more frequent and I also feel it coming now. Before it was just extremely random, but now I can feel when I have to brace myself and let it come in like a wave.

It keeps getting stranger. I don't know where this'll go and really don't know what this is.

Hope everyone's having a good day.

exul wrote:The bad feeling keeps coming and we don't know what triggers it, but we're starting to see a pattern.
If it's summer, we're with anyone from our family, and our body's not fully covered, then almost certainly it will kick in at some point.

Mornings are the worst. Every morning we feel it at least once. The only way we can make it stop is to cover up our body (with clothes or anything else).
It's definitely around our chest and belly. It's like it's stored there.

Hi exul,

That's neat you finished your last exam. Is that like the last exam ever or do you get more next year?

Sounds like you're getting triggered. We get triggered sometimes and lots of times Host doesn't even know why. He used to just blow it off but now he takes it seriously and does something about it. The trick is finding something to do about it that works. My bet is somebody inside is getting triggered so maybe you can talk to them and find out what they need. Either way you can still do something about it.

Xavier sounds kind of like Colin in our system. Colin knows how to fix stuff that Host can't figure out. Stuff breaks and Host is like 'Let me get Colin'.

Oh and everybody thought we were ADD but it turned out we were DID. Kind of looks the same on the outside I guess. At least they got two of the D's right

Good luck. Hope you have a nice vacation.

Iain

Hello Iain,

Yes that's our last exam for this academic year, but we'll begin our second year in September and then we'll have exams every month until next June, ugh. But it's nice, me and some others like studying psychology, and Xavier is okay with studying statistics, so we should be okay.

And yes indeed, Xavier can do lots of stuff that most of us really can't do! His role is really complex. From the social aspect (he has little to no anxiety while most of us do) to simply doing maths . The body is also really low on energy and pressure 90% of the time, and he (and Nathan?) are the only ones that can make blood pressure skyrocket. No wonder they have such energy when they're out.

My best friend was also diagnosed with ADHD when he was a child, but turns out he had PTSD and DID instead! People really need to observe more instead of applying easy labels like ADHD and just get on with it smh.

Apart from this, I used to blow off this bad feeling too. We started noticing because it's becoming so frequent and strong that we just can't brush it off anymore. It's ruining simple moments like being with our family at breakfast, and we feel like we can't do anything about it.
Like you said, maybe someone inside might get triggered by something, but for us it's very very difficult to talk to the others internally. Like I could ask "is there someone who's feeling bad right now?" and I'd receive no answer, or something that I cannot comprehend. We'll keep trying with things like journaling, but for now nobody seems to know what this is.

Thank you sm for the suggestion though, we feel a bit better now.

Have a great day!

We reflected about something and put it in practice these last few days.

I finally found out what I look like. Like, who I really am under this body that I never felt was really my own. Like I listed in the signature I slowly realized that I'm not the age of the body, which is something that I would've never thought about before. But apart from that, I know that I'm exactly like I was. Nothing drastically changed for some weird reason. I was always there, always me, now more mature but unchanged. That girl that stopped writing when the body was 15 years old, she never ever left. She just got obscured by Nico's presence as a co-host and protector. She, that now I'll call "me", just thought "maybe if I hide myself then people won't be mean to me". And because of that, when we finally got out of middle school, Nico took the wheel and I was pushed back. It wasn't his fault, I know he didn't mean to silence me. I know he always kept me there somewhere safe.

I know now that I look similar, but not quite like the body. I have long hair like the ones we had when the body was smaller, and I dress just a bit differently and in a more masculine way from what we used to back then. I know that I'm not a sad person at all. I know that I'm not mean and cold at all. I've always been a happy person, I'm cheerful and bubbly but shy with whoever I don't know.
It's so beautiful to realize that and to really feel like me again. It's like I split again, but this time it feels more like an integration than a split.

I finally know where I end and where Nico starts. We've been so close all this time that I completely lost track of myself because I felt like I wasn't wanted in this world as me. Nico felt that and took on the role of co-host to keep me from feeling like I was vulnerable and unfitting. He lived his life like it was mine, but in the meantime we were both suffering like hell for different reasons. Me because I lost myself and didn't know who I was anymore, and him because he was living the life he wasn't supposed to live.

It feels immensely good to realize this now. I found my core self again and I've never been more determined to keep being true to it while keeping the role of host and keeping on managing daily life with the help of all the others. It's really great.

I can finally feel again and I'm not anesthetized anymore by Nico's walls. I feel like he might go back to his old self again. I really hope he'll be able to.

Just wanted to share this. Hope everyone's having a great day.

Congrats!

We think it's really important to know who you are.

V2

We forgot to reply but thank you, V2. We think that's important too.
Really hope you're all doing good.

Now that I'm officially co-host there are a few things that bother me a bit too much than they should. I feel like a spoiled kid, but I personally really don't like studying. All the projects the others (mainly Mi, JR and Jason) have, if I could I would really not partecipate in those. What's the use in studying like this? I'm fine with reading, but actively make essays about topics we're not particularly interested in, with all those rules that we never seem to get right? Really, what's the use?
I don't understand how can they like it. I really feel like a rebel adolescent again throwing a tantrum about how high school sucks. I shouldn't say these things. Mi says I keep on sabotaging them since I keep being like this. I procrastinate a lot. But I have so little mental energy that I really don't want to waste it on this #######4. Also the thesis - we'll never be good enough for anyone, so why keep on trying? Too many rules, too little time, no freedom to do what we want the way we want to. That's pretty useless if you ask me. University is so overrated. Just keep the job and find a house on the mountains and live there. Who cares about everything else.
We could even be writers for a living.

Sorry. Just had to write it somewhere.