New journey (thread)

Is she a self-described expert or has she really worked with a lot of people with OSDD and DID? Anyone can say they are an expert.

Did you bring some of your posts for her to read? Sometimes that’s easier than having to remember everything that you want to explain.

Saying that someone “doesn’t seem dissociative” is nonsensical when it comes to major dissociative disorders because the whole point is for it to be hidden.

It sounds like you felt somewhat invalidated, so that’s what I’m responding to. I hope the next session goes better.

Thank you for the concern TheGangsAllHere.

From what I know and from what I've researched, she's very famous and active in the Dissociative Disorders research. She's written books and articles writing about studies on DID, PTSD, the traumagetic model, childhood trauma and all that stuff. So, I figured she has worked with a lot of patients and analysed many cases to be where she's now. That's why I trust her on this. I need to.

I made a list with everything I needed to tell her, all the events I considered important since I was a child until now. We talked a lot, but she kept asking questions about the things that I was telling her and I obviously wanted to move on asap because I thought we just had this one session like she told me at the beginning. In the end I find myself with an half-done list of things I need to tell. Luckily she also figured that we didn't have anything figured out yet, so she gave me another appointment next week.

Also, I wanted to tell her about what you wrote (the hidden nature of DID specifically), but then I thought, if she knows, since she's supposed to know this, then she should see it for herself without me telling her. That's mainly what had me silent when she said that. Also, she said that specific quote at the beginning, when she didn't even start to ask questions with the SCID-D in hand like she did later. So yea, I don't really know what to think.

I really hope that during the next session I'll be able to be more clear and to cover all the points I feel like she has to know.

Thank you again anyways, hope you're doing good.

Nathan here. I already made a blog post, but I'm gonna put this here too because I feel like I need to.

I'm not going to give up on this. On living my life iny own terms, loving the people and things that I love. I don't ######6 need a therapist to tell me what I should do with my life. I AM TIRED. I don't even know why we go and search for therapists in the first place. We're good by ourselves, Nico's right on that. Don't want em, don't need em, ###$ em. We can help ourselves, thank you. They're only making things worse apparently since we were 14yo. And that's a long ass time.

If they're not gonna listen to me for whatever reason, I'l be more than pleased to really get angry this time. You think Xavier messed up some stuff when he was surfacing and was frustrated with all the rules and stuff? Then just look at me if this woman keeps telling us what we are and what we're not.
Peace out.

We still have to answer some posts but we're going to work so this is a brief sum up of what happened some minutes ago. Just for us to remember since it's apparently the first time this happens...

Xavier here. so like we were playing final fantasy and since I am the only one who plays videogames like that I was almost completely out. but like we know that we can never be completely out cause that's just how our system works so whatever. it was me and the host, I was at a sort of 80% and the host was somewhat lower than 20% conscious. at the same time while I was playing I was at the phone with a friend of mine. so like while we're playing, I keep talking with the friend and all that kinda stuff. fact is the host didn't realize that. like, they didn't realize I was talking and apparently even if I remember the things we talked about if I concentrate, they don't. Like he remembers the game, but doesn't remember anything else (what I talked about with the friend. this is so wierd even for me cause it happened some other times that host didn't remember what I talked about with people (and I talk a lot lol can't blame him), but not like this. like it seemed like his consciousness was just there for the game, and cut everything else out. a sort of ###$ up cocktail party effect. weird lol.
don't know what this is but it's cool.

So. Went to the final appoitment with that psychologist. I'll write it in points just cause it's easier.

1 Didn't finish the SCID-D that we began last time. She told me that it was because she already was pretty convinced to have everything figured out and just wanted to see if her hypothesis was correct during this last session. Asked why she thought that I wasn't dissociative, and she told me that I may have dissociation, but not a dissociative disorder.
2 After this, she told me that what she thinks I have doesn't have a name for her, cause she doesn't like the DSM classification. She told me I do have something that looks very much like DID, but it's not dissociation-based. She works with a psychodynamic (psychoanalitic sort of) approach. Because of that, she told me that mine is a personality problem, because everything I told her fitted the description of what everyone with "those problems" complains about (e.g. thinking of knowing who you are, but fluctuating so much that you really don't know, ...).
3 Told me that she'll talk about this with my therapist and that for her, I need an intensive transference type of therapy. The same I think they use for Borderline I think. I really hope that she didn't imply that I'm Borderline, cause if that's the case, I'm really scared that she didn't maybe fully understand the whole thing like I wish she did.

So yeah. This is it. She did say that I do have "something", and that I need help. I'm happy about that. She didn't ignore the DID-like symptoms, and that's good too. I don't know what she was talking about, but if it exists like she said, then it makes perfect sense. She didn't explain the casual amnesia and the lost time, but I didn't have the time to ask her.

At this point, I think it'll be better for me to stop writing on here. I have to trust her on this, I'll just have to wait for the therapy to begin, and hope everything will come together. She talked about integrating the personality with this intensive therapy, but didn't talk about parts or anything else. It's like I'm already whole, but fluctuating.
Anyways, I'll keep an eye on the posts just to see if I can help someone with the knowledge I have accumulated from this. But I won't be writing about my condition anymore because now I feel like it would be pretending to have DID when I don't.

So yea... This is it.

exul wrote:So. Went to the final appoitment with that psychologist. I'll write it in points just cause it's easier.

1 Didn't finish the SCID-D that we began last time. She told me that it was because she already was pretty convinced to have everything figured out and just wanted to see if her hypothesis was correct during this last session. Asked why she thought that I wasn't dissociative, and she told me that I may have dissociation, but not a dissociative disorder.
2 After this, she told me that what she thinks I have doesn't have a name for her, cause she doesn't like the DSM classification. She told me I do have something that looks very much like DID, but it's not dissociation-based. She works with a psychodynamic (psychoanalitic sort of) approach. Because of that, she told me that mine is a personality problem, because everything I told her fitted the description of what everyone with "those problems" complains about (e.g. thinking of knowing who you are, but fluctuating so much that you really don't know, ...).
3 Told me that she'll talk about this with my therapist and that for her, I need an intensive transference type of therapy. The same I think they use for Borderline I think. I really hope that she didn't imply that I'm Borderline, cause if that's the case, I'm really scared that she didn't maybe fully understand the whole thing like I wish she did.

So yeah. This is it. She did say that I do have "something", and that I need help. I'm happy about that. She didn't ignore the DID-like symptoms, and that's good too. I don't know what she was talking about, but if it exists like she said, then it makes perfect sense. She didn't explain the casual amnesia and the lost time, but I didn't have the time to ask her.

At this point, I think it'll be better for me to stop writing on here. I have to trust her on this, I'll just have to wait for the therapy to begin, and hope everything will come together. She talked about integrating the personality with this intensive therapy, but didn't talk about parts or anything else. It's like I'm already whole, but fluctuating.
Anyways, I'll keep an eye on the posts just to see if I can help someone with the knowledge I have accumulated from this. But I won't be writing about my condition anymore because now I feel like it would be pretending to have DID when I don't.

So yea... This is it.

I'm reading articles and researching this kind of thing when it's under a psychodynamic approach. Now I know that will all probablity, she diagnosed me with BPD in her mind. Even the therapy that she gave me has to do with BPD treatment. Plus, many of the symptoms I managed to talk about with her actually fit the psychodynamic theory for Borderline.
Problem is, I identify with some symptoms, but almost none of the "basic" ones.
At this point I give up. I'll see how the therapy goes. If I don't have BPD, the therapy is not going to work, and then we'll know the truth. Otherwise, she'll be right, and therapy'll work out and I'll feel better. I have to go anyways.

Other stuff happened.

- Our T keeps talking about parts and doesn't seem to agree with the other specialist therapist on the fact of considering me BPD and giving me transference therapy. I disagreed with her telling her that that's the only way with which I can try to feel better, cause sincerely I really have less than nothing to lose in regard to sanity.
- Found out more stuff about my role as possible host. If I really do have DID, then my role really is to keep us hidden. The Guardian's role is the same, we really work together on that. He's inside, I'm outside. Nico is the sort of bridge between me and him, that's why he's always with me and almost never completely inside. Makes sense now.
- Also realized I really don't match with the body. I know now that I really don't feel like a 19 year old. I'm much smaller than that, but despite that, I have the maturity of a person my body age. I thought about that and I think it has to do with Nico.
When he started to come out years ago, that's when and why I changed. I started to draw like I always could, without taking any lessons ever. I started calling myself with male pronouns. I started developing attraction to people, just like that. All of a sudden. All my entries in my agendas got dark and mature, while a month before I was this 13 year old girl with long hair that was cheerful, didn't get along with her mom too well, but loved her dad. She was a self-described dreamer and loved fantasy novels.
Don't know what happened to that girl, but I see glimpses of her sometimes in me. Now I don't know if that is the true me, but Nico's just too close and blended with me all the time that I don't seem to recognise me anymore, or if that's just someone that was here before I took her place. I feel just like a sort of empty shell right now, with no really precise role if not to hide, pretend, control, and keeping it all together.
- We're in our hometown again for the summer. Told a couple friends about our possible condition and everybody took it really great.
In contrast, my mom doesn't want to hear about that. She just keeps avoiding everything that has to do with me like she always did. Like my father. Like basically everyone in my family, apart from my brother. I'm used to that, so it's fine. I don't feel anything about it anyways, apart from anger. She saw the scars that I don't even bother to hide and she didn't seem interested in that either. Great for her, I think.

The others keep coming out but I stopped thinking about it. I have too many questions still and nobody to answer them. Don't want to bother the people here too much.
Also, therapist told me to read a lot about emotions while on vacation. She said that she thinks I don't feel anything, and that contributes to my suicidality. Again, I don't know if that's Nico, of if that's me. I'll try anyways.

Hope everyone is doing good.

exul wrote:Other stuff happened.

- Our T keeps talking about parts and doesn't seem to agree with the other specialist therapist on the fact of considering me BPD and giving me transference therapy. I disagreed with her telling her that that's the only way with which I can try to feel better, cause sincerely I really have less than nothing to lose in regard to sanity.

Your T believes that you have DID and wants to treat you for it, but you're disagreeing with her and asking for treatment for something else? I'm confused. From what you describe, you clearly have parts. Does this T know how to treat DID? Reading about emotions is fine, but of course dissociation is about not feeling things--that's the whole point of it. I would recommend making sure she has read the ISSTD guidelines on how to treat it. A lot of harm can be done with the wrong treatment.

I don't think you have to worry about asking too many questions on here--there's almost always someone who can relate to what someone else asks. Also, you can search on keywords and find a LOT of information. I remember being weirded out when I realized some of the littles call me "mommy," so I looked that up, and sure enough, it happens to other people. Or when two of my alters started having a romantic relationship--yup, found that happens to other systems also.

Wishing you well.

Hi TheGangsAllHere,

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Your T believes that you have DID and wants to treat you for it, but you're disagreeing with her and asking for treatment for something else? I'm confused. From what you describe, you clearly have parts. Does this T know how to treat DID? Reading about emotions is fine, but of course dissociation is about not feeling things--that's the whole point of it. I would recommend making sure she has read the ISSTD guidelines on how to treat it. A lot of harm can be done with the wrong treatment.

I think you misunderstood what I said. The fact is, in this specific situation, my T doesn't know how to handle a dissociative disorder (especially DID), because she's not trained for it. She does believe I have parts, but she never clearly stated that she thinks I have DID or even OSDD. She just calls them parts, but only works with me in therapy. For this same reason she sent me to a DD specialist for an evaluation. This specialist told me after 2 sessions that she doesn't think I'm either autistic nor dissociative, and told me that for her mine is a personality problem (BPD, with all probability, but she never stated that clearly), and "prescribed" me with transference-based therapy.
That's the main reason why I want to do it. If she's the specialist and seems to actually know what she's doing, at this point I might as well try this than stick with a T that doesn't know how to treat my possible DID otherwise. We might both have missed something that the specialist saw in me that told her that I'm BPD and not DID/OSDD.
That's why I agreed with the therapy. I know it can cause damage, but honestly, I don't think I'm in a position to disagree with something like this when I'm already pretty confused myself.

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.
Really hope you're doing well.

Never thought I would say this, but finally my mother asked me to talk with her about what's going on with me. I did, and she understood. I told her about some of the others and explained to her the whole disorder and the fact that I might have it, and luckily she listened and asked questions. We talked for like 2 hours because I had to update her on the 6 years during which she never asked anything, but it worked.

She told me some things when I talked about the fact that this is only caused by repeated trauma before the age of 6.

Trigger warning: description of violence

Putting my medical trauma aside, she confessed to me that when I was really small, she was depressed because of the death of her father, and my dad wasn't there for her at all. She was also in another country with him and she didn't even have any friends, but I already knew this. She told me I started to get ill really often, and I would cry every night because of a common condition I had/have, but she didn't know what was wrong with me and every doctor blamed her for making me cry. She almost never slept for a period of months because of worry and me crying, and at a certain point she just couldn't take it anymore, and she tried to stop me from crying by basically trying to suffocate me with a pillow. This happened more than one time, from what she told me. She assured me that it was just for a couple of seconds, and that she felt extremely guilty afterwards, but I know that the "couple seconds" thing might be a lie for a number of reasons.

End trigger warning

I don't blame her. I'm not angry, and I don't think I could ever be angry at her for this. I know that she's telling me the truth, and honestly I cannot imagine what kind of pain she was going through to made her do that. This does fit with a couple things that my mind seems to remember since I was little, and some otherwise "unexplainable" fears I have still now.
This doesn't match with some other things that will still remain without an explanation, but she didn't know anything else apart from this and I didn't want to condition her to think what I personally think happened to me. I want her to just not blame herself for what happened, at least then.

I'm really happy she understood. She also told me it makes sense with a bunch of stuff I told her during the years.