Part (Fragment?) who likes nothing and serves no purpose

Hello.

I don't like anything and I don't want to do anything.

Writing this post seems a waste? is difficult? I don't care and think I should do something else. Or, nothing.

I'm very distant from the others. I can hear them, very far away, in the distant far-behind. They feel like distant yelling. They do not like me, and I don't blame them. I'm antithetical and offensive. Most of them are very passionate, some even exuberant. I'm vaguely disdainful, irritable, I enjoy nothing. I don't see the point in anything, and frankly, I don't like me either.

I was useful in a past part of our life. I serve no purpose now. That's the one message I can pick up clearly from the others, probably because I came to that conclusion too. The one thing we agree on can be heard.

**Trigger Warning: vague mentions of abuse**
When we lived with our abusive ex, not enjoying anything meant nothing could be taken away or attacked. If we didn't start on a task, we couldn't be interrupted, and their interrupting us was less satisfying to them and less painful to us. Not enjoying anything meant it was less noticeably aggravating when we were forced to watch TV we do not like or go to the store when we were too tired or otherwise had a reason for not wanting to. Abuse didn't work particularly well when I was out because I'm so shut off and don't care. The ex couldn't get off on our pain because I didn't show any.
**end Trigger Warning**

**Trigger Warning: mention of integration, part wanting to not exist (NOT suicidal)**
I'm sure Sev will bring me up to her T, but I'd like to know if any of you have any idea what to do with me. Our system is open to integration, but I am so distant from everyone that I don't know that it's possible for me to integrate with anyone. Going dormant seems I'd just be available to come back later. I don't want to be here.
**end Trigger Warning**

I guess I do want what's best for the system, upon reflecting on this post. I just don't do anything useful for us anymore.

I don't have a name with which to sign off.
--Blank Slate (Irritable)

Hi Blank Slate,

I don't know if this is possible for you, or if you'd even want to, but we've had two parts in our system (that we know of) that have sort of metamorphised themselves into someone new and different.

The most recent one was our previous host. She was all burned out and exhausted, and didn't even know about our DID and stuff, and when she realized there were others here and someone would take over for her, she just let herself fade away.

I think she thought she'd disappear completely but she came back and now she's sort of new and younger and has a different name and all, but she feels better about things.

I guess it's sort of like going dormant, except when she came back she wasn't the same any more, she'd remade herself into something / someone new and different.

Volets

Hi, "Blank Slate." It's quite possible that in fact you do still serve a purpose, one a bit different from the exact role you had in the past. You may have a skill or strength that is useful for your overall health. The ability to detach the way you describe can be, in some circumstances, very useful, and I don't just include circumstances of abuse.

You sound like our Ulrich so we'll share about what we've learned. Until recently he's enjoyed nothing at all. He felt and even referred to himself as dead, "by choice." He didn't see himself as human, he was a boogeyman, a large dark thing really. Ulrich caused us to detach in an extreme way from people who are close to us when they hurt us somehow. This had played out many times the past few years with our adopted son, who like us, has DID and suffered an awful childhood.

We saw, and he came to see his actions as only negative. Based on his actions, we felt like he only brought the rest of us pain, while he felt nothing. In fact, after we'd been hurt by someone close to us, he was able to get done basic life necessities that none of the rest of us could because we were still so triggered.

What really came as a surprise to us was the value he held in being able to detach and to be able to think about what the person did to upset us so badly. We weren't able to figure that out ourselves so we weren't able to ask others to give us what we needed. We couldn't even fully see what we needed. But his detachment kept us functioning, at a low level, but functioning. Once we figure out what was going on and how and when he took over, he worked with us to learn why.

He helped us identify the specific behavior of the other person that we couldn't focus on emotionally. It always happened to involve an emotional response of betrayal for us, so you can imagine why that would be so triggering.

He kept us from being conflicted by the anger at others and the simultaneous desire to reach out to them. He had no needs so there was no conflict. It sounds to me like you, Blank Slate, hold strength and an ability to block emotional pain and conflict. Our hosts have learned a lot from Ulrich and gained from his strength in identifying and communicating -- directly and specifically -- what we need from others, and not just when they've hurt us and we've been triggered.

We all understand now it's not useful for him to react to the same degree he did in the past and he doesn't. But at least some of his instinct to detach was good, healthy, and protective, and we're incorporating it broadly to make our life better. We're able to figure out what we need and insist on it from others. Not surprisingly, this new behavior has served as a model to teach our son how to do that for himself with us and others.

You wish what's best for your system. Given that and more, how could you not be a valuable ally for everyone?

Blank Slate,

I may be reading into this, but I hear a lot of pain in your post. Perhaps fear as well.

I think your post is a great step in sharing your feelings. I bet that took a lot of courage to do so and I'm glad you did.

Why don't you like yourself?

You mention being offensive and antithetical. Would you expand on that?

If fear is holding you back from liking things, are you in a better situation now where you could take a tiny step toward letting a little of it go? Perhaps liking something small but very regular like sunrises, sunsets, stars, a particular color etc.?

The questions above would probably best be worked on with a T if you have one. I would be happy to talk with you about them if you don't and are willing, but it nuances and speed are lost on an online forum like this. I care about you and am willing to help if I can.

Hank

I have a "don't care" part. For the same reasons. If you don't care then taking it away is less likely because there's no satisfaction to be gained from taking away something that isn't cared about.

The opposite of not caring is caring. Opposite emotions counteract. I can do this with jealousy - be happy for the person. I struggle to do it with caring or not caring. My system tries to gauge when it's safe to care or better not to care. When we get it wrong and care when we would of been better to detach it sets us back immensely in being able to care about things.

Often if I don't care in some way I work better. I haven't really overcome "not caring" in any real way. Not caring is very much part of my system. Generally in life allow my self 2 cares. But if I do care about something other than those 2 things it's a care that runs deep. If that care turns out to be misplaced it sets me back terribly as I said.

For example I allowed myself to care about a friend. My life events and hers means we don't see eachother or talk any more. This cut me deeply for weeks, it's cutting me deeply now thinking about it. So as a result I have no friends. Anyone close to being a friend I mentally cut off. I distanced from every person or acquaintance just to make sure I avoid caring. I'm very cut off to people generally. Having care of that friend had made me engage generally more with people on probably "normal" levels but that's gone again. I don't know if I'll get over it.

Anyway I can't help. I can only say I relate to the issue.

However no caring has its place, a small place, in a healthy psyche I'm guessing. Eg bad idea to care about mean people who will hurt.