Inner world

Hi everyone! I am new in here, I wrote an introduction about myself earlier on the DDNOS side, but was advised to "move in" here. Here is the link to my introduction: https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-disorder/topic208444.html

I was actually asking about similar things than this in there also, but now I'm trying again. So, the question is about inner worlds. Do you have any control over what happens in your inner worlds, or does everything happen there on it's own, and you are just a silent watcher of what is going on?

Does things which happen in your external life have clear impacts on what is going on in the inner world? I mean mostly like if something similar happens there after it took place in your every day life? Or if things you are thinking a lot about, have impacts in your inner world, starting to happen in there?

Is your inner world simply a place for the parts to live in, or does it feel to you it's a way to you to handle what's happening, way to feel feelings etc? Are you yourself present in your inner world, or just looking at it from the outside? Can you choose anything what happens in there, or choose what your inner world is like?

Can you "erase" things away from your inner world? For example if something happened in there, can you just erase it, like it never happened and things continue from where they were before? Or do you have different versions of the inner world, like parallel universes where certain things happened differently?

Lot of questions, I know. Thank you for any responses!

Hi Floralie,

That's a lot of questions. I don't know the answers. Just wanted to say hi.

Iain

I don't know what the innerworld is like I can't go inside or even turn away from the outside to face the inside world. The other don't really talk about it and when I think about asking them something stops me but I don't know what or maybe who. I get emotions and thoughts sometimes seeping out from them sometimes I understand them sometimes not.

My inner world have spoken about before - the landscape.

Actual activities: there's playing cards alot. There's story telling and they're good stories but some believe the storied they make up until others point out they made up those stories.

Things that happen can be changed. But my brain will change the end of a film if it doesn't like the ending by repeatedly rewriting it internally. When i was child I used to do that so much that when I watched the film again I believed the people who had made the film changed the ending.

For me I think it's a place to live, a place of communication, a place that helps deal with emotions. I can choose or change what happens but things do happen there.

The made up stories are often elaborate ways of expressing emotions or concerns or point of something in a very indirect manner that is over all missed. The story makers are considered a little crazy and generally are not "out" which I why I think they make up the stories, to pass the time. That and playing cards - which I'm not sure how that works with "imaginary" cards. someone must be counting them lol, but I become aware parts are playing cards while I'm doing something else.

My favourite place internally is under the sea or at the waters edge.

I'm not the host/original, but J can go anywhere she wants in the inner world...well within reason. She can't go into our rooms without permissions and there are some places blocked off to her ect. But like, she can go anywhere she wants to basically.

We all change things in our world, J included, but she can not influence what we do there. She can't control us obviously

The inner world is our world, we live there, talk there but it can also be a good place to deal and try to work through things (although the latter is boring).

J can enter the inner world where she wishes too, by simply wishing/thinking to go there. When she isnt there though as far as I know she cant see in there.

And no!!! Nothing can be earsed like it never happened. We control what happens there too!!! Our inner world changes alot, but like, I wouldn't say there's parralel versions....

Hello there. I can only speak for myself, and what I have experienced. It may or may not help you. Anyway, for me personally my inner world has been the same yet changing at the same time. Like the layout is the same, but there are additions and subtractions. I have visited this world only in my dreams for as long as I can remember. I can't control when it happens. As far as erasing goes, you can probably erase what you have made, but not what other alters have made. Also, my inner world is a result of my experiences in life, just a distorted dream like version. Like the alternate reality version in Devil May Cry (a video game). And I don't know if they actually live there, or if it is more of like a vacation spot. So perhaps you might be similar in the way your inner world works, who knows... Hope my own insights might be of some help/information.

Our inner world: It has evolved. We had a house where everyone had a bedroom. The living room looks outside. Only one person plus Delilah could look out at the same time, everyone else was locked in their room.

Then it evolved to where as many as wanted could gather in this room and could watch outside and offer thoughts and could freely communicate. Or, someone can stay in their room with the door open a bit so they can sort of hear what's going on, but as background noise. Or, they can have the door closed, but be awake and others can knock and if given permission, could come in.

When Little Wolf made herself known, she added a Forrest, and the house sits on the edge, like the forest is the edge of our back yard. Little Wolf lives out there, but can come in the house if she wants. She has a way of being aware without coming in though.

Britney ended up moving her room out of the house, and built a little, one room cottage in the forest, then Little Wolf moved in with her, and they are usually together now.

Any one of us can make changes to our own space. The outside does affect the inside, mainly when it triggers strong emotions in one of our insiders. Then that one person's attitude and feelings may reshape the inner world. Example: at one point Delilah didn't have a room. She felt the need to always watch over whoever was fronting, so she had a couch in the common room that was just hers, and that was her space
Once things changed, and she felt like she didn't need to watch all the time, she built herself a room. However, her room is, and probably always will be, the closest one to the living room, and she rarely shuts her door.

We could erase parts of the inner world if we wanted, but it wouldnt erase the things that happened in that area, wouldnt nullify the consequences of what happened there.

I used to be the only "sculptor" of our inner world, and it was very different than it is now. The current inner world is a product of everyone's ideas.

Val

Thank you all for your replies!

I tell a little bit about what I meant with some of my questions for example. One of my basic problems has been me not having feelings on my own. But that is not of course the whole truth, everyone has feelings, I just happen to have them thru inner world and parts of mine. For example for very many years I have suffered from depression from time to time. It comes and goes as it wants to, but my way of feeling depressed has not been normal.

For a very long time, every time I was depressed, one part of mine always got sick in the inner world. Physically sick, dramatic ways. Most often he got leukemia, and sometimes some other blood decease or other type of cancer which has spread all around his body. It was basically a certain death to him every time he got diagnosed with these illnesses of his. I never spent time crying about my depression or anything related to the external world, I cried, because this part of mine was dying, and I imagined I was him in a way when that happened. Then he dramatically died, and the next day it all happened again, he got diagnosed, was very sick and died. And it happened over and over again, until I was cured from the depression and back on my feet again. Then he was healthy again, cancer free, and never even had such. Back then I used to feel I was lying if I told I was depressed, because there was nothing wrong with me or my life, even though I spent my days lying on the bed crying. It was this non-existing boy inside my head, who was dying, and about that I would never ever have told anyone anything, it felt so private. In a way I also even enjoyed feeling bad and dying. I imagined how he was nurtured and everyone felt bad for him. And I knew he didn't die for forever.

Later on, when I started realize and emotionally understand my own mental health state, he stopped getting blood deceases and cancer and started to suffer mental conditions. When I started to learn about dissociation and felt like I started to understand myself better, it went thru the whole system in the inner world. Now almost all of them have some sort of a dissociation disorder and traumatic background. First I thought just that it was because I was thinking about it so much, it affected all of them, because that is the way I process my thoughts, thru them, but then I realized that if they truly are my parts, that IS the truth about them. They all DO have dissociation disorder, that is why they even exist in the first place.

The one who used to die on cancer or something similar, is nowadays suicidal when I'm (probably) feeling bad for some reason. So he is still dying when I feel bad, but now because of his mental issues. His suicidality has nothing to do with my body what so ever, it is completely inner world thing. I think he doesn't even know he doesn't have a body of his own, but I can't be sure. But he still can commit suicides, die, do it several times repeatedly again and again, and then start living all over again, like it never happened. He can just jump backwards in time, be younger and feel better, start his life again from when he was happier or sometimes in a brand new place and brand new life. All my parts can "time travel" and start all over as new, younger versions of who they used to be, or change and have new environment.

Sometimes they do change otherwise too. Some of them have had several names and ages and background stories and appearances. But even when they can change all those features at the same time and "start over again", to me they still are the same one. It feels different to know someone old has changed, than it is when someone totally new gets "created".

As they themselves can change, their relationships between another change as well. That is why I might have those "parallel universes", when looking at the things from one parts point of view things are certain way with some other part, but again looking it from that other parts point of view, they may have change and are in a way living in two different stories at the same time.

In a way I decide what happens, but I don't do it on purpose. It doesn't happen just like that, it just wouldn't make any sense to decide to create a new one. And there are lot of things I couldn't change, because it just wouldn't fit, it wouldn't feel right. But sometimes new ones do get created. For some of them I don't know why they came, but about one I do know. She is the only female and she's 26. My parts are mostly underage, or at least also have an underage version of themselves, and most of them are males, but she was "born" as an adult female. It happened when I stopped anti-depressive medication after many years of usage. The side effect of it had probably been lowered libido, since when I stopped it, it became as a new thing to me to realize I am female and until that any sexuality had never just had anything to do with me, but then it started. This adult female was created then, not on purpose, but surely for need. She turned out to be BDSM-oriented, dominant and sadistic straight woman. Would never think me as such, but that is how she turned out to be.

Do you understand what I mean, does anything about this sound familiar, similar to your inner worlds and how they work? Or do you think this sounds more like maladaptive daydreaming type of thing?

I'm very annoyed. I've posted a long response TWICE. And both times it didn't actually show up. SO here's the short version.

1. Each part can change/modify the inner world.
2. We can erase parts of the inner world, but it doesn't undo things that happened in the erased part, we all still know what happened there before the remodel.
3. It's a house with their own rooms, we can all be in the common area looking outside and talking to who's fronting, or everyone but the person fronting can be in their room. Or any combination.
4.Little Wolf lives in a forrest.
5. Britney built a cottage in L.W.'s forest and they live there together now.

K

Hi K, and thank you for answering even when it took so much time and effort. I've learned from these kind of forums, that I am way too slow writer, and the time I get finished with my messages, the system has usually kicked me out already, assuming I'm not doing anything. Therefor I always copy my texts before trying to sent them, because I know how frustrating it is when it all disappears. I think that is the only way to get long messages thru, copy them, sign in again, paste and send.