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DID/DDNOS/maladaptive daydreaming

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DID/DDNOS/maladaptive daydreaming

Postby SystemFlo » Thu Aug 02, 2018 5:45 pm

Hello everyone, I am new here. This is an introduction and at the same time also a question, if anyone has anything similar going on. This might be a long story, I try to keep it simple. There are few questions in the end.

Growing up, I never had a sense on self, I didn't have my own identity. I have a sister, 4 years older than me, and I was like her shadow. I didn't really have opinions on my own, but when she said something, I saw that thing from that point of view, and her opinions became my opinions. Later on, as a teenager and so on, it was very hard for me to know which were "the right opinions", when different people around me had all opinions on their own and they were different from each other. I agreed with (almost) anything.

We grew up with two alcoholic parents, both of them having (not diagnosed) mental problems, and we had no other adults in our life. I think I am a textbook example of an "invisible child", who learned from very early age not to have any opinions or feelings on her own, that could disturb the balance of things in any way.

I have never lied manipulative way, but from the early age I used to tell "stories" to my friends, which were not true in the real world. As a teenager, I had an imaginary boyfriend (I am female), and I told about him to my friends at school as if it had been true. I didn't feel like lying, because in my mind he was constantly there with me, or I imagined us being somewhere else doing things and talking. I knew he was not true in the real world, but to me he was. I got caught with lying to my parents and teachers and probably some of kids in the school. At that time other kids, who weren't even my friends but class mates, were so concerned about me, they went to talk about me to the school's psychologist, and she came to me and we had sessions for some time. I told all the same stories to her too, and she believed me without any questions, until I got caught. After that, adults around me were pretty confused if I knew what is true and what is not, because I insisted I wasn't lying, although I knew my "other life" wasn't true in the real world.

This is how it all started. I'm not gonna tell my whole life story here, but the situation now, and for many, many years has been me spending most of my time in my inner world. Even when it all started with me having an imaginary boyfriend (and he still exists! still as a teenager and also as a young adult, but as a different version of himself compared to who he used to be), since my teen years, I myself have not been part of my own inner world at all. My sister is there, but not me. I am completely outsider and no one, and for many many years I have been just the one who takes care of things that needs to be taken care of in the real world (not very successfully tho), but what I really want to do, is to be alone and think about people living in my inner world.

I feel like this inner world does not exist inside me. It is in a bubble in front of me, more right side that the left, kind of hanging in the air. It hasn't have really anything to do with ME or my physical body or real life, it's completely separate thing.

Now I am starting to have trauma therapy, if I get the finances sorted out. I do not lose time, but I can lose many hours just sitting and doing nothing more than thinking what happens in the inner world. When I am with people, I don't change suddenly to someone else, I'm always very controlled. There is part of me who doesn't even get drunk with alcohol, but is always sober and in control. Yet I have DID diagnosis from the psychiatrist, and also my possible future T and the consulting psychiatrist she was in contact with, thought I would have DID. It's because most of my good qualities, ANP-type skills, are locked up in my inner world, which means I have multiple ANPs, which means DID. T said it is just so "far away" from my real life, it doesn't have the usual symptoms, even when it is clear I have several ANPs. They don't take control of the body, which is why I am consistent, but lack ability to use my true skills. This is very true, it's sad to know how much more there is in me, that no one ever sees.

According to the test, I had DDNOS, but the diagnose is always made by the doctor, not by the test only.

When I was about 20 years old, I had one experience of a part taking over. I suddenly felt I was a child, but at the same time was aware of the real situation. I was still living with my parents and I was alone in my mom's room. I felt I was very little and very fragile, kind of terrified, but as a trait of personality, not scared of anything in particular. I had very big urge to give in and start acting like a little one, I was sitting in my mom's bed and I wanted to jump a little bit on the bed, just sitting there, but jumping a little on my bum. The adult me knew it would not end up well, if I would give in and do that. I had a class of coke in my hand, and if I would jump, it would spill all over the bed, and the little me was way too fragile to bear the feeling of failing. I could not resist it and I jumped, the little me jumped, just a little bit, and the soda spilled on my moms bed. She came in to the room and was upset, and the little one cried a long time very hopelessly. I do remember how awful the feeling was, it was unbearable. She never came back, and I think she is still there, somewhere inside me waiting for someone to come and help.

Now the thing is, I know I have parts, real parts, because of her visit back then. She was me as a little, and she is certainly someone who lives in my body. Not in the inner world with all my other parts, if that is what they in there also are. They certainly are something different from the little one, they just feel like a totally different thing. It has made me think if this inner world is not actually my parts at all, what if that is more like a maladaptive daydreaming, that keeps me away from myself and the real parts. But it is not that simple.

After I started to think people in my inner world as my parts, and I started to monitor myself and my everyday life, they and their feelings have now started to "leak" in to me. For example one time I was walking outside, and I looked down. My pants were bagging a bit, looking like if I was male. One teenage boy from my inner world suddenly felt very happy. I felt it and knew who he was. He walked the rest of the journey, I could feel it, because he walks differently that I do. Or actually he didn't walk, he didn't control my body, it was more like me walking like him. I had still all the control and could've stopped if I would've wanted. It was still my thoughts in the head, I don't know what he was thinking or is he so real he has his own thoughts.. probably he has, as he has his own feelings. I felt his happiness and I walked like him. There was no feeling of me changing or even someone else taking over. It is very hard to say if it was, and other little things like that, are true, or just me, taking a role of some kind. I question it a lot, because I have that one experience of the little one, and there is no question if she was there or I just imagined. She was, and is, real. About this inner world, I don't know. But what I do know, after starting to think them (people in my inner world) as a real parts, my ability to take care of everyday things has increased. So I may have now better access to my other ANPs traits.

Usually people meet their future T one time, and they either decide to work together or not. My possible future T agreed she wants to work with me (if the finances allow it), but she needed to see me two times and consult the psychiatrist, because my case is different. She has worked as a trauma therapist for 20 years and her consulting psychiatrist is a expert in trauma, he has wrote books about dissociation etc. Of course every case is different, I don't mean it like that, I mean just that I am maybe having either two different conditions at the same time, am somewhere in between of two of them, or maybe I just have different "state" parts or something.

Does anyone else in here have a separate inner world from themselves, AND parts who live inside the body? Or is this just how starting to know them better, them getting closer always feels like? Has some of your parts been "more real" from the beginning, than others who feel more like imagination? Or do you have both, parts and an imaginary world? Can you control what happens in your inner world at all, and if, how much?
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, persecutor, has DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- Jules M 14
- random M teen
- Leon M 4
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, body care
Flor F
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Re: DID/DDNOS/maladaptive daydreaming

Postby Bejer » Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:08 am

Hi,

Such an interesting, lucid description of what's going on in your head!

If you go to the DID section on this forum, you might get more interaction, this section is not visited often.

I don't know if this is exactly the same, but some of my parts are writers who write about their own fictional characters. But they, and we all, know what's fantasy/fiction and what's not.

What's interesting to me about this, has to do about something I've been wondering about a lot, the last few months; could this be the result of magical thinking that most children have before their personality is integrated (like believing in santa; that stops around the same age of 'integrated personality', which makes sense because then intuïtion, intellectuality, feelings, etc, work more together in forming a realistic view of the world/life)?

For example; some call a part we have a 'hawk', others call that part a part who was created from 'floater awareness/dissociation'. So the interpetation depends on where in development the part with the interpretation is (stuck). I hope I'm still making sense.

Could it be that when you're in the 'fantasy inner world', that you're in younger/magical thinking states? Because the way you describe it now; you áre aware of the difference between fiction and reality.
F 37 Dx; DID & PTSD
Previous Dx; ADHD, BDP, Bipolar, PTSD, DPD, IQ >130 (all by different T's. Don't know yet which of them were false)

Five hosts; B, Ex, J, Er, R, who all have several 'younger versions', and subsystems D & X.
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Re: DID/DDNOS/maladaptive daydreaming

Postby NyxX » Mon Aug 06, 2018 12:25 pm

The DID section of the forum is definitely more active. And in practical terms there is very little difference between DID and DDNOS so people with either can relate to each other quite well.

I'd say if the parts from your innerworld have separate feelings you can identify as different to your own they would be classed as alters. The way different parts and alters exist can be different even within the same system. When you are acting like them you are probably coconscious with them.
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We might mention Ozalces he is our SO he made an account but doesn't use it much
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Re: DID/DDNOS/maladaptive daydreaming

Postby SystemFlo » Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:37 pm

Thank you for your answers Bejer and NyxX. I will move to the DID section as you recommended. It took me a while to write again, for some reason it is very hard for me to think about myself. I'm so used to think my thoughts thru this inner world of mine, it's exhausting to concentrate on myself. I'm not used to thinking about me at all.

The thing you wrote about your writers, Bejer, I'd like to know more about that. Do they write about themselves and their life in the inner world, which isn't real in the outside world? Or do they write about fictional people, who aren't your parts at all, but made up?

This is interesting to me, because some of the parts in the inner world do also write, about themselves. Or it's in a way me who writes, writing about them as I was them. It's hard to explain, because there is no clear barrier between me and them, but yet there is. Actually when I saw the possible future T first time and she asked what are my goals in therapy, what I hope and wish to happen because of the therapy in my life, the first thing I said was I would want to be able to write myself, and instead of thinking storylike thoughts and conversations all the time, and doing next to nothing in my real life, I would want to be able to write like them, have my own life, be someone, and instead of this inner life thing I would want to be a writer. I don't want to lose my ability to tell stories, I want to be able to write them down and sell them as books. So I wouldn't lose my imagination or this inner world thing completely, but it would be in a way more part of me, not so separate anymore.
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, persecutor, has DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- Jules M 14
- random M teen
- Leon M 4
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, body care
Flor F
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SystemFlo
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Re: DID/DDNOS/maladaptive daydreaming

Postby SystemFlo » Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:44 pm

I thought how I could explain the relationship between me and the parts of the inner world, and the best way I can put it is that they all are me, but I am non of them. They are the biggest part of my life, I experience all my emotions thru them, but to them I am no one. Because I can see in to the inner world, but I am not IN there.
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, persecutor, has DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- Jules M 14
- random M teen
- Leon M 4
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, body care
Flor F
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SystemFlo
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Re: DID/DDNOS/maladaptive daydreaming

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:01 pm

Floralie wrote:I thought how I could explain the relationship between me and the parts of the inner world, and the best way I can put it is that they all are me, but I am non of them. They are the biggest part of my life, I experience all my emotions thru them, but to them I am no one. Because I can see in to the inner world, but I am not IN there.


You are probably more important to them than you realize. I doubt you are "no one" to them. It sounds like you have always used a lot of energy to keep them back from the external world, and now you're letting them come through a little bit to the outside.

Come post on the DID forum. It's very supportive and I've learned a lot from reading and posting there.
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