I awake with the Beatles Playing "Here Comes The Sun" Lil' Marky's Favorite song
I turn the Big Five Oh
Happy "BirfDay" to all of me and Bob Dylan too
Now "Youtube" decided that Queen's "Under Pressure" with David Bowie singing along with Freddy Mercury was to be this moments soundtrack. Both have since passed. I remember when this song first came out.
I am trying to just feel the waves of sorrow and pain washing over me.
Crosby Still's and Nash's "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" is more of the same, but is a bit happier.
"Something inside is telling me I that I've got your secret.
Are you still Listening?
Fear is the lock and laughter the key to your heart
And I love you
I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are
You make it hard
And you make it hard
And you make it hard
And you make it hard"
And now Dylan's "Mr Tambourine Man"
"Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning, I'll come following you
Though I know that evening's empire
Has returned into sand
Vanished from my hand
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping
My weariness amazes me
I'm branded on my feet
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming
Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning, I'll come following you
Take me on a trip upon your magic swirling ship
My senses have been stripped, my hands can't feel to grip
My toes too numb to step, wait only for my boot heels
To be wandering
I'm ready to go anywhere, I'm ready for to fade
Into my own parade
Cast your dancing spell my way
I promise to go under it
Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning, I'll come following you
Though you might hear laughing, spinning
Swinging madly across the sun
It's not aimed at anyone, it's just escaping on the run
And but for the sky, there are no fences facing
And if you hear vague traces of skipping reels of rhyme
To your tambourine in time, it's just a ragged clown behind
I wouldn't pay it any mind, it's just a shadow
You're seeing that he's chasing
Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning, I'll come following you
Then take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves
Let me forget about today until tomorrow
Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning, I'll come following you"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sadly this post will be what I remember about this Major Milestone of turning 50 in my life.
"Visions Of Johanna"
"Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're tryin' to be so quiet ?"
"And Louise holds a handful of rain, tempting you to defy it"
Bugged and badgered to be "mindful"
"Lights flicker from the opposite loft
In this room the heat pipes just cough
The country music station plays soft
But there's nothing really nothing to turn off
Just Louise and her lover so entwined
And these visions of Johanna that conquer my mind."
Having so much to do today to get ducks in a row to leave for Boston on Sunday and my time before then is booked up solid. No space for myself. Run Run Run.
"In the empty lot where the ladies play blindman's bluff with the key chain
And the all-night girls they whisper of escapades out on the D-train
We can hear the night watchman click his flashlight
Ask himself if it's him or them that's really insane"
The chill of the late morning dappled in broken sunshine lays like concrete crushing my moments of reflection twist and twirl from my ashtray.
"Louise she's all right she's just near
She's delicate and seems like the mirror
But she just makes it all too concise and too clear
That Johanna's not here
The ghost of electricity howls in the bones of her face
Where these visions of Johanna have now taken my place."
Today back in 1969 I sat crying and left to try and console my Mommy. No "Birfday" Party. No Pictures. No Clowns or cake. Just the the ruins of Shock "Therapy". Mommy staring off into space.
"Now, little boy lost, he takes himself so seriously
He brags of his misery, he likes to live dangerously
And when bringing her name up
He speaks of a farewell kiss to me
He's sure got a lotta gall to be so useless and all
Muttering small talk at the wall while I'm in the hall
Oh, how can I explain ?
It's so hard to get on
And these visions of Johanna they kept me up past the dawn."
Mommy is near me in a white vase on the crow cabinet on Crow Road.
"Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo this is what salvation must be like after a while
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles
See the primitive wallflower frieze
When the jelly-faced women all sneeze
Hear the one with the mustache say, "Jeeze
I can't find my knees."
Oh, jewels and binoculars hang from the head of the mule
But these visions of Johanna, they make it all seem so cruel."
A 50 mile stone that begs turning over to look under neath.
"The peddler now speaks to the countess who's pretending to care for him
Saying, "Name me someone that's not a parasite and I'll go out and say a prayer for him."
But like Louise always says
"Ya can't look at much, can ya man."
Lost in floods of memories and experiences. Whose is "Mine" and whose isn't?
"As she, herself prepares for him
And Madonna, she still has not showed
We see this empty cage now corrode
Where her cape of the stage once had flowed
The fiddler, he now steps to the road
He writes everything's been returned which was owed
On the back of the fish truck that loads
While my conscience explodes
The harmonicas play the skeleton keys and the rain
And these visions of Johanna are now all that remain."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Time runs like a wild train and yet stands still
I MUST go.
I'll let "Them" speak for me and try to wrap it up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6WTV88B3ao
This post may seem sad. But it's a part of my experience today on this huge moment in my life time. To be "Authentic" and heal I must be real. 50 years has just passed and much of it wasn't "pretty". I look forward to the Joy in the Future. It's there just as much of the less joyful stuff too. I'm just trying to come out of denial and start to feel those things I wasn't able to and still am not.
Next Week at this time I will be sitting front and center row in the thick of the Trauma Conference in Boston. I assume like last year, I will have to excuse my self many times due to seizures and anxiety attacks. I will smoke with the rest of the others in the "Mal-Adaptive Coping Skills" section of smokers as we like to call it. I can smell the Atlantic and feel the brisk salty breezes. Hear the seagulls and traffic of Boston and the water slapping the foundation of the Boston World Trade Center. Feel the somatic switching and all that goes with it. The Emotions, Tears, and comfort of knowing at least for a short period of time I am surrounded by those in person who "Get It".
I always wear my "Underoos" under my professional outward attire. Flash and Superman.
But that is next week.
I will ask the "experts" in front of 450 other's attending...
"Given the Neurological conditions caused by "Dissociative States of Consciousness", can you explain how or "who" experiences "Mindfulness", if a client has DID?"
I honestly am really bothered by this. It seems like a Paradox to me. I don't know the answers and this will be a great opportunity to see if any of them have any reasonable answers or if they will do the typical "Avoidance" response like most Clinicians do because they simply can't admit they have no answers, which is of course fine too. But the question still begs to be asked.
Perhaps this year I will begin taking Yoga and studying Buddhism?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLeZvv1EhYo
I wish everyone a Splendid Day
Warmly
Lumpy
Lumps
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