Dating/Marriage/ Children and DID?

WeAreOne420 wrote:I guess my pain with DID makes me feel everyone will feel the same about it as I do.

It's important not to forget that you are the same person you were before you found out. The label is just a name for what you were already experiencing and what everyone who has known you has experienced in their relationship with you.

I had already gone through the dating/marriage/children thing years and years before finding out about this. I've only known about the parts for less than a year, and my husband and I are coming up on our 30th anniversary (Sasha says, "That can't be--I'm only 20!!"). We have three grown children.

So I'm not sure how I would have approached this with someone I was dating. I think I'm closer to the OSDD part of the spectrum--I don't lose time, and there is a lot of co-consciousness and cooperation. It's always been clear to my husband that I'm "moody" and "unpredictable," and I've always known that I'm "high maintenance," but I had no idea (or no continuous idea) that there were separate parts. I would definitely have been worried that it would scare people off, and I'm sure I would have waited until I was pretty secure in a relationship before telling someone about it, just like I wouldn't tell an acquaintance, but would wait until someone was a trusted friend. I was always friends first, anyway, with any guy that I ended up in a long-term relationship with, so I don't think those would be two separate categories of people (friends vs. serious relationship partners).

Even now, in a very secure relationship, I have the same concerns you're describing--worrying about being too needy, too much of a burden, that my husband will just start to hate me. But I've always had those concerns, I just didn't know why before. Now at least I have an explanation for these feelings.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:

WeAreOne420 wrote:I guess my pain with DID makes me feel everyone will feel the same about it as I do.

It's important not to forget that you are the same person you were before you found out. The label is just a name for what you were already experiencing and what everyone who has known you has experienced in their relationship with you.

I had already gone through the dating/marriage/children thing years and years before finding out about this. I've only known about the parts for less than a year, and my husband and I are coming up on our 30th anniversary (Sasha says, "That can't be--I'm only 20!!"). We have three grown children.

So I'm not sure how I would have approached this with someone I was dating. I think I'm closer to the OSDD part of the spectrum--I don't lose time, and there is a lot of co-consciousness and cooperation. It's always been clear to my husband that I'm "moody" and "unpredictable," and I've always known that I'm "high maintenance," but I had no idea (or no continuous idea) that there were separate parts. I would definitely have been worried that it would scare people off, and I'm sure I would have waited until I was pretty secure in a relationship before telling someone about it, just like I wouldn't tell an acquaintance, but would wait until someone was a trusted friend. I was always friends first, anyway, with any guy that I ended up in a long-term relationship with, so I don't think those would be two separate categories of people (friends vs. serious relationship partners).

Even now, in a very secure relationship, I have the same concerns you're describing--worrying about being too needy, too much of a burden, that my husband will just start to hate me. But I've always had those concerns, I just didn't know why before. Now at least I have an explanation for these feelings.

Thank you. I suppose my issue is,I found out in december and made contact and I changed. Its been hell because my system is HUMONGOUS and now I switch like crazy but now am aware of it. Ive been in so much pain and so unstable.


So im feeling different so i guess im approaching things differently when in reality everything is sorta the same on the surface.

I think I'd be more secure if I didnt become so volatile all of a sudden. Thats what has my oanties in a twost.


But youre right,I had DID before I knew I had it. I need to lay off myself a bit but its hard.

I think most all of us can feel like a burden, cause that's how we were treated as kids. But people are more accepting than you might think. Sure, there's going to be some who don't want to deal with mental illness. But their are people out their who can accept you for who we all are. Granted it will take a lot of patience, more than others sometimes.

panther99 wrote:I think most all of us can feel like a burden, cause that's how we were treated as kids. But people are more accepting than you might think. Sure, there's going to be some who don't want to deal with mental illness. But their are people out their who can accept you for who we all are. Granted it will take a lot of patience, more than others sometimes.

I did feel like a burden as a chid. Whoa. Yeah. My mother always made me feel inferior. So I guess thats the core issue. People are sometimes do much more nicer than I give them credit for.


I "cae out" to two people yesterday and they still accepted me.

Husband is very supportive. We showed ourselves to him during dating. He made it a point to schedule time with each of us to get to know us as individuals so he could love us as a whole. We each have our own relationship with him. He knows we each have different needs, and loves each of us equally but differently (if that makes sense). We each value our time with him, and we each have different activities we enjoy doing with him. We all enjoy movie night, but take turns choosing the movie, as we have different tastes. We are each different in the bedroom, and he can tell when a switch has occurred during “the act,” though we are each very careful not to but in or force s switch without the other’s consent. There is actually a schedule in place.

Two of us parent the children very well. B tolerates the children but will not be out long around them. L is a child herself and enjoys playing with our 5 year old, but clams up when the older children are around. They know when she is there, but think their mother is being silly and playing a game. I watch very closely when L is with them. It is easier for me to share headspace with L than it is for K. K gets severe headaches when trying to watch L.

hahahahaaha. no. never.

it's hard enough getting along with ourselves. I'm not dealing with anybody else's $#%^ ever again.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:
It's important not to forget that you are the same person you were before you found out. The label is just a name for what you were already experiencing and what everyone who has known you has experienced in their relationship with you.

I really want to thank you for that reminder! I know I try to remind others of this but often forget it myself.

My Birfday is in a few days and so the entire "Gemini" thing has always been the blame for my "twins". Not by me but it seems everyone around me! I've been hearing all my life and especially in my long term relationships, "You Geminis! You are like two different people on the drop of a dime! I swear I will NEVER date a Gemini again!" in a joking manner.

But at the same time it's my parts that people seem drawn to and love as well. Especially my "Lil' One Cody". He's cute and playful and fun to be around. People see my Littles all the time and it's one thing people fall for about me. But they also love my other "Sides" too.

But yeah before I knew about all of this I was far more secure about myself. Now I often feel so "Damaged" or "Fractured" hopelessly.

I think for me the biggest issue about being in a relationship again is that they are understanding about my Childhood Sexual Abuse and the resulting Dissociation that followed it. That is a far bigger issue in a relationship than just the DID for me. It was brutal on my last long term relationship and in large part what ended it sadly. He didn't understand it and would take it personally.

I don't blame him really for I didn't know or understand it either until the past 3 or 4 years. By then we had already been broken up and the two years of living together in a tiny space after a hostile break up did us in sadly.

I had to get "Knee walking Drunk" before even considering having any sort of intimacy in any way. I would "Lock Up" if touched and freeze stiff as a board aka "Frigid". He would instantly think it was because I didn't love him or felt he was gross or something when in fact it was just my PTSD flashbacks in my body or some parts of me and had nothing to do with him. But my "Body" wouldn't let me touch alcohol again for 5 days after the previous Friday Night, so would only be "Friday Nights" that we could have any sort of romance or intimacy sex etc. That is Brutal on a relationship all by it's self and no matter what I did or wanted to "My Body" said NO!!!

That seems to be the biggest issue surrounding this DID thing more than anything else for me really.

My ex GF was really understanding about that since she too is a survivor and has many of the same things as well so she get's it. But I'm Gay and even though I love her dearly there was just something "Missing" in the relationship? *looks down yonder*.

But she too is having the very same issues with the guys she is dating too. More in the Dissociative way and switching in the middle of the act. Even though the guy has PTSD and such and is our age, it just freaks him out and doesn't know what is going on and confuses him. She wants to try and explain it to him but they just started seeing each other and so is in that awkward stage of even "Are we an Item? Or is this just for fun?" stage that no one seems to know yet.

SO these sorts of things are all very close to home with me as well.

I'm the "Open Book" sort which is not a great thing either. "Too Much Information" too soon is also overwhelming too. This stuff can scare the Bejeebus out of people as does even simple PTSD. Hollywood has done a real number on the perceptions that the general public think about Trauma Disorders. They think if you have PTSD that you are a violent and insane Combat Vet that will go "Postal" and just start shooting people all of a sudden. The very term "Postal" I think most of us can remember from the news when it happened? Same goes with Vietnam Vets with their "PTSD FLashbacks" that suddenly were in every news story or movie about Guys freaking out and snapping and shooting people thinking they were back in "Nam".

A few years back when mine was really bad it was a horror story anytime anyone discovered I had PTSD and was on Disability for it. It didn't matter how many times I would tell them it was from childhood and was never in the military they would immediately ask me "What Branch of the Service were you in?" They would more often than not instantly be afraid and call security on me for no reason at all. I was always calm and very polite and friendly. But keep in mind this was also the month following the "Roseburg, Oregon Shootings" just 45 minutes north of me at the college. So was very fresh in everyone's minds and close to home. The following month was the Mass shootings' in San Bernardino, Cal at the mental health clinic so that too was happening at this time as well.

Society at large seems very ignorant about Trauma or Mental Health issues and finding someone who isn't prejudiced or buys into those Hollywood stereo types is not easy. I hear people use terms like "She is Schizo because she changes her mind all the time and is like two different people!" or "He is so Bipolar the way he is so one way this minute and then another way the next! Total Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde!". Things like these sorts of comments from random people I meet on the streets or hear in line shopping make it quite clear that the general population is so mixed up and confused about any of it. The one thing they all seem to have in common is that "They" are dangerous and Crazy!

I even catch some of my friends making remarks like that and correct them about confusing a "Psychotic Disorder" with a "Dissociative Disorder" which are vastly different in nature. The result many times is like trying to explain it to a 4 year old. Really best keeping my mouth shut!

However, when it comes to being in a relationship with someone, I prefer to risk it up front sooner than later for I would rather know where they stand before it goes on too long and then have them split. If they are shallow or just isn't something they want to work with, then please by all means allow me to open the door for you to leave. Not in a hostile way but I won't waste my time with shallow people in that manner. I usually don't find myself being with shallow people anyways. The ones I seem to attract are very bright and have a rich world of experience to get to know and love. I've been very lucky in that way. I'm a very long term relationship sort of guy, so when I meet someone it usually lasts for many years.

I honestly think the biggest challenges we have in relationships is "Trust" and "Feeling Safe". We didn't arrive here by way of people who nurtured us and taught us that we lived in a safe and friendly world. We often got here by abuse after abuse for our entire childhoods by those who were supposed to be loving and keep us safe. Even "healthy" adults who get PTSD from a car accident are seriously affected by that aspect. But especially if it was caused by another human being. Dissociation by very nature divides and demolishes the subtle body language and facial expressions so needed for bonding and attachment. Also if we feel so worthless and damaged our selves we are unable to give any love back since we lack it to give. The list goes on and on but Trust and feeling safe are the heavy hitters I feel.

That's my take on this somewhat

Warmly
Lumps

I feel like finding someone who is willing to accept all the baggage that comes with a person epically if that baggage is something as complex as DID is a matter of luck.

However is sex has been a point of conflict in past relationships dating someone who identifies as asexual might work out better for you.