Common trauma response or DID/DDNOS?

It feels like I have a little girl inside of me who's a younger version of me. I don't always feel her so sometimes I wonder if she's even there to begin with. Anyway, she is the one (compared to me) who is the most traumatized and constantly feels it. For a long time I would feel her pain more or less like a bleeding wound I couldn't quite figure out so there were many times when I didn't fully understand why I was so depressed all the time (I however knew that my childhood hadn't been the happiest so I still had an idea of where it was coming from and wasn't completely unaware).

Recently I came into contact with her more and she feels quite literally like a little girl living inside of me. She has all these trauma related feelings which feel like hers, not mine (but maybe I am wrong and just confused). The more present she is the more I can connect with the trauma. But she has to pretty much come out completely in order for me to feel the trauma fully (I still don't know everything about it though). But I can only take so much of it and having her be very present is tough so she never "stays" for long. It's like she always quickly comes and goes, and when she goes I instantly feel numb and forget how she feels, sometimes to a point where I wonder if I'm even traumatized to begin with. But I think that she can also be present (influence me) at the same time as myself.

This little girl has also written some things to people that hurt her (so it's like she has her own feelings). I don't have any amnesia around writing those things but it didn't feel like it was coming from me.

I might have felt other parts like this little girl inside of me (like a "grown up" protective type of person who feels like her very purpose is to protect me - and whom I might have felt at least three times) but I say might because I wonder if I'm just making it all up. Either way, I am at least confident that the little girl exists within me and holds (probably) all the trauma.

Essentially I don't know if this is something that someone with trauma can have without it being an indicator of parts/alters. 'Cause doesn't everyone have different versions of themselves like this that seem/feel like separate parts (especially those with trauma)? Or no? Does anyone know? <-- that's really the question I want answered.

To add, I have CPTSD so maybe that's where all this is coming from?

Thank you so much for any responses.

Yes, everyone has ego states. There are therapeutic techniques designed to activate ego states and enable the person to access those ego states. Sounds like you have been getting some of that. Is that right?

From what you have described, this is not DID/DDNOS, just ego states. Everyone has ego states. Everyone. And because all our minds are a collection of ego states, aspects of traumatic experiences are necessarily held in ego states.

In DID and DDNOS (together these are called major dissociative disorder) there is a relative lack of adequate connections between ego states. Relative to other persons, a person living with a major dissociative disorder is far less aware of their ego states, until there is an awakening crisis and/or treatment.

good job with getting in touch with that girl!!

our T divides structural dissociation into 3 groups
one ANP (apparently normal part) + one EP (emotional part)
one ANP + many EP's
more ANP's + many EP's
the first she would still count as cPTSD
the second more towards borderline PD or DDNOS
the last clearly DID

Hi, HonestlyWhatever. To get a definitive answer about what's going on, ideally you would visit a therapist or clinician who is trained in diagnostics. CPTSD may be the right diagnosis for you. If there's more, if you have a major dissociative disorder, you do yourself and other parts of you a favor in being sure you're being treated for the condition you have.

Some of what you wrote sounds so familiar. I was aware of Little John, a 3-year-old alter, for a couple decades. I experienced him as a little boy, a young me, who lived inside me. I didn't think of him as having a name. He came nearby and even a few times controlled the body, which convinced me he was definitely young and not my imagination -- until afterwards! Then my reaction was anywhere from forgetting to "totally made that up" to "he's not me, maybe I'm multiple."

Everyone has ego states. In a dissociative disorder, the walls between are much higher. That's a simplified explanation.

The thing is, if it's DID, you'll do better in healing the sooner you start acknowledging that. You don't want to wait several decades to make sense of it all like me and several others here.

Una+, birdsong87, Johnny-Jack - I'm so grateful for your replies!

The idea that it could be ego states makes sense. I will say though (and I don't know if this makes a difference) the little girl isn't someone I can connect with whenever I want to. It feels like she comes out in a way I have no control over. Even when I try to connect with her it's not really working. But maybe that's because I'm not in the right mood. Yeah, actually, that's probably it.

But there's another (even weirder, for me) experience I've had recently where I felt like the me who I thought I was before had completely vanished. I couldn't even remember who she was or if she had even existed to begin with, until today, when I finally started to feel like her again. It was such a strange feeling because it felt like I was entering another life different from the one I had lived before I had forgotten about her. Basically, I remembered what it was like to live as that person again and all the feelings and thoughts that come with it. And before all this I had also thought that she was my true self but when she began to disappear I started thinking that she wasn't. And now that I think about it, I'm not entirely sure exactly who is because I do feel like there are different parts to me that are not connected much to one another (I don't always feel this way though; I can have moments when my sense of self is quite strong. But it tends to oscillate between the two).

I suspect this could be a result of heavy depersonalization (I do experience dissociation often) but what makes me confused about it is that during the time I had lost "myself" I had moments when I felt like completely different people - like that "protective" person I mentioned, for example. But I've lost her now as well..
Anyway, I kept thinking to myself "I don't feel like *my real name* (the person I had lost), I feel like someone else but I don't exactly know who or if that person is very different from the one I was before" - because, like I said, I can't remember who I used to be. I even felt as if she had died, literally. It was a very strange feeling and I thought I was going crazy and still kind of am..
Also, when the protective person was present I felt as if, at least most of, her personality was different from my *my real name*, like she was her own person. She even wanted to be seen as her own person because that's how she felt.

I understand if it's difficult to know for sure what this is but is it possible to know at least a little bit if it falls more in line with regular ego states paired with depersonalization or something else?

I will also try talk to my current therapist about this when I see him the next time but he barely knows anything about dissociative disorders and honestly I think you guys, who actually have them, know more. So I'd still love to hear what you think.

Btw, can ego states hold memories that other ego states don't know about? And when they learn about them it's kind of a big deal because they had no idea that those things even existed within them. Because that's how it felt with me and the little girl.

That can be ego states as well.

If often happens that newcomers to the DID Forum have no prior concept, or even awareness, of ego states. In that situation it is very hard to know what is DID and what is "normal" ego state activation.

To reiterate our standard advice: to get a differential diagnosis please see a specialist. This often will be a clinical psychologist with extensive training in diagnosing trauma and dissociative disorders.

Una+ wrote:That can be ego states as well.

If often happens that newcomers to the DID Forum have no prior concept, or even awareness, of ego states. In that situation it is very hard to know what is DID and what is "normal" ego state activation.

Really? So does all of this sound normal then? Like there's nothing about it that even indicates that there's something "off"? Is it normal to literally feel like an ego state is another person and no matter how hard you try, you can't make yourself feel like that part is *you*? And that ego state also sees themselves as a different person.

If that's the case, then what then becomes the difference between an alter and an ego state? There seems to be a very fine line. Or am I wrong?

To reiterate our standard advice: to get a differential diagnosis please see a specialist. This often will be a clinical psychologist with extensive training in diagnosing trauma and dissociative disorders.

At this point this whole thing has become more about understanding DID than understanding it in relation to myself. So that's why I'd prefer to talk to people on this forum instead of searching for a specialist who probably doesn't even exist in my city or even country. And even if it does I'd probably have to wait months to see someone like that and I'm already on the waitlist to see someone else which has so far taken more than 6 months. I'm just saying, it's not a realistic option for me at this time. Either way, I'm not really looking for a diagnosis, just information.

honestywhatever wrote:I understand if it's difficult to know for sure what this is but is it possible to know at least a little bit if it falls more in line with regular ego states paired with depersonalization or something else?

I don't know enough about the differences between CPTSD and the dissociative disorders. My suggestion would be to move forward with the possibility in mind that you might have a dissociative disorder. I don't think that changes anything for you, since, based on your questions, you're already on that path.

You can't create a dissociative disorder or alters for yourself by looking at the possibility, that's for sure. Read posts here to see if others' experiences begin to sound familiar to your own or not, though it may not make anything crystal clear.

Since your guess is that this little girl within, ego state or alter, holds trauma, it seems fitting to send her your love and appreciation, and to acknowledge her bravery. Let her know you're there for her, but only if you actually feel that way. One way or another, she's going to need your help for all of you to heal.

Thanks, Johnny-Jack. I have already been reading many threads in the DID forum and have learned quite a bit. As a whole DID/DDNOS sometimes seems at least familiar to my own experience but I don't know if I actually have real alters.

But (sorry, more questions...) what does it mean when you feel depersonalized, like you're inside your body, and you simultaneously have a sense that there's another person on the forefront controlling you/your actions? Is that something that can happen with regular ego states?

And what about when you're in a certain ego state (you identify as one specific personality) but you feel influences from within yourself such as anger or shame, for example, that you don't feel belong to *you*. You don't register them as being a part of your own person. Can that also happen with ego states?

I realize I'm asking many questions and I don't expect to get answers for them. But I figured I'd at least put them out there.