Common trauma response or DID/DDNOS?

Hmm... I still don't know, TeddyBear the helper.. I might actually be going crazy or just be severely BPD and not DID/DDNOS. And obviously I don't expect anyone here to know what's going on but it helps to get different perspectives at least.

I just wrote a super long text and I don't expect anyone to read it and respond to it (and that's fine, of course) but I figured it couldn't hurt to just put it out there at least.

I just had the weirdest experience... An experience that'd immediately make you go "that's not possible" or "you're crazy/delusional" if you heard someone else say it (UNLESS you think there's a chance they have DID/DDNOS).

Alright, to get into it...

When I was writing the post before this one in this thread, I felt different than how I felt a bit afterwards. And I had gone the whole day, to my memory, feeling like that person who wrote that post. But then suddenly I sensed a change. At first it was very vague to a point where I was wondering if I was just imagining it or my mood had just changed (and that may have very well been what happened). The more time passed, the more I started to feel different from the person I was before; distinctly different, in fact (so much so that I could give them different faces/appearances and kind of did in my own head). I knew that I hadn't felt like *my real name* when I wrote that last post but I ignored that feeling and figured that this is who *my real name* is and the reason why I feel different from her is because I've just grown and changed as a person, as you do. But when I "changed" I realized that I felt more like *my real name* and like I also had a different appearance, which I mentioned. But I still thought that the difference was too vague to see it as something more than a simple change in mood/state of mind. What's most interesting happened a bit later...

So, I was feeling like the second "person" and while that was going on, I was talking about my day and I realized that I did not remember a thing about my day before a meeting that I had had. It was as if that part had been wiped out of my memory (this could be due to sleep-deprivation) and I felt genuinely mind-f*cked. Then I started to feel a "tickling" sensation (it's hard to describe but it felt very physical at least and I reacted to it in a way that made it look like I was in pain) in my head and I zoned out a bit. I continued saying that I don't remember the first part of my day and how weird that was and after a few seconds I realized that I didn't feel like the second "person" anymore, but I felt like someone else. Someone I have felt like before, this past week. I realized that I didn't feel as dark and heavy and depressed anymore and certainly not at all like *my real name*. I felt like a different, untraumatized person. And I also felt like I had a distinct personality, very different from the first and second one's. They all felt like they had different personalities including appearances and ways of expressing themselves when talking.

When I was feeling like the first person, like I said, I made myself think that I was *my real name* (so that I wouldn't feel delusional and could move on with my life) but even if I didn't truly feel that way I still felt like a whole person. In fact, all these people, when I "became them", felt like whole persons.

It's experiences like this one that I've had lately that's made me think that I am genuinely going crazy and making everything up (even though it doesn't feel that way when I'm in it), and that's also making me search for answers regarding dissociative disorders because that's the only thing I know that this could be linked to (unless it's normal and I'm just confused), apart from maybe psychosis but I've already been through that. I exhibited similar symptoms (feeling like a person was trying to push itself into me and taking over my body, not being able to remember *my real name*, feeling people -- other than myself -- inside of me who I could talk to and who talked to me (one was a person I've FELT like recently -- who I ended up thinking was just a regular ego state, and the other who I haven't felt ever since but she immediately felt like my soulmate/best friend but didn't talk much, experiencing such heavy dissociation that I at one point didn't feel like my real mom was my actual mom, etc.) and while it all was happening I could see it from a bigger perspective and realize that it seemed crazy and fake. I forgot if I've said this but I was evaluated by psychosis specialists because of these symptoms and they concluded that I do not have psychosis. But now that it has all come back, I can't help but wonder if I am deluded after all.

Anyway, I WILL bring this up with my psychologist on Thursday -- unless that side of me that thinks this is all b*llshit won't allow me to speak about it, because then I won't be able to (yet another symptom: feeling like I'm not physically able to say certain things because there's a side of me that doesn't allow it, so I become mute. Or if I try to say it anyway, it takes A LOT of mental power and I end up feeling like I'm not agreeing with what I'm saying even though part of me apparently is 'cause here I am talking anyway...).

I hope I'm not being too annoying by writing so many posts about my experiences.. I am aware that it's a lot but I feel a need to express myself.

Print out your posts on this thread and bring them along--to read from or hand over. The kinds of feelings you're describing are common in DID--especially "am I crazy?" and "I must be making this up."

When I first heard the voice of the little girl alter, one of my reactions was to be glad that I knew I wasn't psychotic because I could see how someone could easily be very scared that they were really going crazy. It was a very distinct voice in my head.

At other times, when the thoughts or feelings of a part come to me as I'm wondering something, it totally feels like I must be making it up--that I am just thinking or feeling something and attributing it to a different part. For example, I have a part, D, who is a guy and maybe in his late teens. He watches over and takes care of the little ones (he somewhat disparagingly calls them all "babies," but really cares about them--that's why I think he's kind of young). There was a time that I knew the little ones were stirred up and upset, and I started to wonder how D was doing--if it was a lot to handle. Then I had the strong thought, "I really have my hands full," and thought, well, that's just how I'm thinking that he must be feeling. Then what usually happens is the thought will repeat itself a few times, louder (is that a thing--thoughts with different volumes??), until I believe that it is what that part is thinking or feeling. Or I will have a sequence of memories from out of nowhere, and when I investigate, it turns out that they belong to a certain part--it's not that I don't have access to them, but it's by being co-conscious with a part; those aren't things I usually think about and there was no particular reason for them to come up then. And more often, recently, I will now be given access to the feelings that go with those memories, which I wasn't aware of before. That's the thing about amnesia--it can be for one aspect of a memory. Like maybe you remember the event, but not the feelings or other sensations that are related to it.

I'm not sure if this is making sense or even relevant. Just throwing out some examples in case it's helpful.

I felt like a different, untraumatized person. And I also felt like I had a distinct personality, very different from the first and second one's. They all felt like they had different personalities including appearances and ways of expressing themselves when talking.

Maybe the others can fill in, but isnt this how someone with did/ddnos sees themselves?
I have never experienced it.. but this is how i imagine it.

I made myself think that I was *my real name* (so that I wouldn't feel delusional and could move on with my life)

You have developed advanced ways to deal with it since before, so all of this is probably normal to you.

but even if I didn't truly feel that way I still felt like a whole person. In fact, all these people, when I "became them", felt like whole persons.

An alter is a complete person.

- inside of me who I could talk to and who talked to me (one was a person I've FELT like recently -- who I ended up thinking was just a regular ego state,

For singletons, the idea of someone talking in the head is completely alien. I guess even for schizopreniacs it is an alien idea , since they often believe that this is created for example by a device that the goverment have put into their head.

Anyway, I WILL bring this up with my psychologist on Thursday

Do that, i think it sounds very much like atleast ddnos. Nothing will change just because you get a name on it, but it will be a good help to know what it is and how to deal with everything..
-And it would be good to give help to the ones inside who need to heal from the pain they have, like the depressed one.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Print out your posts on this thread and bring them along--to read from or hand over. The kinds of feelings you're describing are common in DID--especially "am I crazy?" and "I must be making this up."

Yes absolutely do this, your posts, as suggested. If you don't have the courage (that's okay) to read them at your very next session, keep taking them until you do. Re-read what you yourself have written. It takes on a real clarity when you can assess it on the page.

Again, thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it, especially since I wrote so much.

In case anyone's curious, I saw my psychologist today but he knows very little about dissociation (and I'm not even sure if he believes in DID) so he couldn't say much about it all. The only thing he thought for certain was that these experiences are not a sign of psychosis for me.

So yeah, that's that. From here on out I'll just keep learning more about myself and dissociative disorders and see if it leads me anywhere.