the doubt game

why is it so difficult to believe things are real that you know you struggle with but still doubt it, and then it creates a whole lot of panic/anxiety and the 'what if this is all in my head and not real' circular thinking. but it technically is in your head..so..

even with a diagnosis, there is a part (and me as well) who still thinks the therapist doesn't believe us, mostly because we know (or assume anyway since it was mentioned by her) that she has not really noticed any differences and has gone by what has been shared with her. but she doesn't treat us any different meaning she still treats us like we all exist anyway...because we do.

but there is still this intense fear that we aren't believed and she is just humoring us or something by pretending to believe us because some people don't believe in DID. but she does. so why does it matter?

none of this makes sense.

Hi perpetuo27,

While I don't have a T or a diagnosis, I can relate to you on finding it hard to believe it's real. It makes sense to have trouble believing it's real when society doesn't teach anyone how to engage with or understand DID.

It feels fake when nobody is around except you and life seems to be going well.
It feels even more fake when others ARE around and it feels like you're just going "crazy".

But neither of those things are fake, or more or less real than a singlet's experience of life. Just like the singular experience, the multiple experience stands on its own—apart from value judgements about fakeness or realness. It's up to us to find out how to interpret our experiences and use them to look to the future.

I hear you both, and I believe you both.
Host

I was just diagnosed last week and this has been a grueling seven days of doubt alternating with belief. Constant cycling between them. It scares me to hear that it continues on. But also makes me glad I'm not the only one.
When I asked my T "how do I know I'm not making this all up?" She said "OK, make something up.. anything." So I told her I'd stopped by my old job and bought drugs and did them because I was overwhelmed (not true but I thought about it).. she asked "how does it feel when you tell me that?" I said "like I just threw together some words and gave them to you.. no investment in them."
And I realized that's the difference. When I talk about what's really going on, it feels like I'm invested somehow.
I dunno if this will help you or not, but it gave me some perspective.

that spiral sucks.

I pay attention to pronouns.

so a little head convo could go...

I'm fine.
yeah keep telling yourself that.
we are NOT crazy.
them why are "we" even talking about it?
what a bunch of ######6 idiots.

singles don't talk to themselves that way.

I hope it gets better. self care and journal!

I can definitly relate to all of you.

The last denial time was the worst, I ended up with saying to Daem : "You say this because I expected you to say this, every word you say is expected, etc."
He naturaly get angry and I spend a whole night totaly alone. Then I notice the deep silence in my head when there's no one else around...
But even with the hundreds of evidences I have, I still doubt, specially when I try to be brave and choose a day to go back to my old psych (the only one I ever trust). 'Cause, you know, if all of this aren't real, there's no problem, and no need to see a psych...

Dwelt wrote:'Cause, you know, if all of this aren't real, there's no problem, and no need to see a psych...

Yeah right. You just have a factitious disorder, or a malingering disorder. Or a denial disorder.

I had fits of denial for a couple years. There are other people in my head. They talk to me. They want me to do things to help them. It was all too weird. I am a very grounded, sane, rational, stable person, only now I have this going on. But what finally settled the issue for me was this: I experience other people in my head, and if it is real or "just" a delusion makes no difference, it still is a problem and needs my attention.

Una+ wrote:Yeah right. You just have a factitious disorder, or a malingering disorder. Or a denial disorder.

My sentence was totally ironic.
Sorry if it wasn't as apparent as I thought.
I know well there's something which need my attention.

I know. My reply was in the same vein.

thanks for all the replies. mostly forgot that this was even posted. it's a little bit unsettling when some things take a complete nosedive in my head like that. it has been a few days of what seems like a revolving door like it used to be years ago minus hearing the others talk and more just a lot of different shifting of things...and panic..and all that.

it has been a struggle too because this feels SO lonely, and having such limited places to talk about it (online and off-just therapy) makes it more difficult and somehow more real too.

some parts are wanting so bad for things to shift and change and to be heard, but even i am not able to always or fully hear them or help them because they are so stuck, so far inside, or so scared, etc. and lack the ability to express themselves which adds to more frustration for all of us, though some more than others it seems. it feels like a million different things happen at the same time inside, and it's random what comes to the surface but then sets off a million more things as a result...very confusing.