For the Helpers

In the tradition of all of the other "For the...." threads here, I am starting this thread as a place for people who identify as system helpers (that is, members of a system who devote a significant amount of time and energy to helping their system run smoothly inside and out). Here we can talk about successes and challenges, including enabling and/or the temptation to "over-help" instead of letting system-mates figure things out for themselves. We can also share ideas and encourage each other.

I am a 17-year-old co-fronter and an energetic "people person." I do not carry the pain that some of my headmates do, and the memories that I personally have of our childhood and adolescence are positive. However, I know well that there's a lot of pain in our collective past, and we have a lot of healing to do. My hope is that I can encourage the others in our system to find healing and peace, so that we can better our quality of life.

So, what's your story?

Allegra

Cool idea for a thread, Allegra!

Thanks, BeccaBee. I hope we have some takers. Some of the others inside are getting anxious. Which brings us back to why I started this thread in the first place.

Allegra

give us some time. i know Mike is willing to contribute, but the wheel is still turning... he hasnt been out yet the way things are it sometimes feels like its taking weeks to continue a conversation....

Hi =)

I really like the word "Helper" ^^ It show well what I'm trying to do for my system. I don't like psych, therapist or whatever, Daem doesn't trust them since two of us tried to convince the judge to make us live with my father (abuser) when I was younger, but fortunatly I love psychology, and I found that my instinct are more accurate than every psychs I saw in the last six years... well, we're not the most cooperative one, we've never chose to see a shrink, it was always for the divorce thing or because my mother want to me to go, so I think they just can't do their job correctly with me/us.

Actually, I work on not be overwhelmed by my fear of abandon, who's comeback because of my "best friend" who let me down after five years of friendship, but also on the fear of abandon of Daem, who's worse than mine because she was the first one he let become close to him.
My girlfriend really helps both of us, she's just amazing, I'm not worry like I used to be in the past, I completely trust her, and she make Daem understand that she really, really likes him (that is still surprise him, the other girl was suspicious, never know if she don't believe me or if she feared Daem), she's not gonna run away like the other girl, and she'll do everything she can to protect me and the system.

Nathan is the most okay of all of us. I only work on our communication skills, so he can be co-present with me when the surrounding allow it, and explain him some things to avoid problems. The only rule he don't really follow is to not trying to be co-present when I do lab exercises in class, he loves physics too much... and he's almost better than me...

Also I try to make Caissie more confident about the outside world, and about people in general. She's really anxious, she even didn't trust me at all when we first met, and always stayed hide at the back of her part of the Inner world. Now she can be a little close to the surface when we're in the shower, if the door is locked and if we keep the eyes closed. It is better than some weeks ago, when she didn't even show herself to the rest of the system.

There is a fourth one, I don't talk a lot about him (maybe "her", but I'm pretty sure it's a men) because Daemon locks him away and doesn't want me to be to close to him.
I can only feel his anger and hate when I'm focus on him. I've planned to try to get really in touch with him when we'll finish school this year, during vacation, to have enough time to do things correctly. I don't like putting someone apart like this, but I have to admit it's not the right time to deal with him and his anger.
If you have tips to deal with an alter like the fourth one, I listen ^^

birdsong87 wrote:give us some time. i know Mike is willing to contribute, but the wheel is still turning... he hasnt been out yet the way things are it sometimes feels like its taking weeks to continue a conversation....

Hi Annett,

I was hoping Mike would stop by at some point. Looking forward to it.

Allegra

-- Thu Mar 24, 2016 6:47 pm --

Hi Dwelt,

Thanks for your thorough response. We're about to leave the office for a well-deserved staycation, but we'll re-read your post at home so that we can give it the attention that it deserves.

Mary and Allegra

MakersDozn wrote:
I was hoping Mike would stop by at some point. Looking forward to it.

Allegra

that is very kind, thank you.

about me: I am a middle-aged male and the oldest in our core-team. I like to read and I am a great observer. I dont have trauma memory myself, but I have watched over many of us. people who know me speak of peace and acceptance all around me.
I am a thinker in nature. some time ago I got the chance to study psychology. I really like to analyze things and that helps to help others too.

one of the things I am working on right now is balance and boundaries with outsiders. I am extremely popular with our friends and it has started to become a burden. its not easy for me to be outside for a longer period of time. it just takes all the strength out of me much more quickly. maybe I wasnt made to be an outside person. there are people in our life who try to pull me to the outside whenever they need someone to listen, some advice, a smart word or actually a therapy session. while in theory I am well able to do that it started unrest in the system. mainly because I was getting all the attention and affirmation (things that mean little to me) while others who needed these things felt empty and lonely.
I am trying to stay away from playing therapist on the outside but its hard. I hear friends share something and I have to forcefully pull back cause its so much part of me, to fix things quickly, just because things seem so obvious to me. I find it hard to tell what normal "friendship" listening would be and where i start to step into therapeutic work.
I really want to reserve the best for our system.

glad to answer any questions just asking for patience, cause I am not much of an outside person and sometimes it takes a while for me to answer.
peace

birdsong87 wrote: one of the things I am working on right now is balance and boundaries with outsiders. I am extremely popular with our friends and it has started to become a burden.

Does this mean a bunch of your friends know you have alters and what not? And they know them all differently enough to want specific ones to come out and hang out? Just curious, sounds like it would be really nice if I were that way with my closest friends.

Anyway, in my system we are all sort of helpers in our own rite. I suppose the one who could best fit the description would be me Lex, I don't talk on here much if at all, I don't front that often either. I am a 32 year old male, and I have always been the mature one of the group. I am most likely the only one who utilizes that high IQ of ours; I swear no one else does, other than Sophie.
(Not to sound pretentious, most people with DID have higher IQs. I think that’s why our minds created a way to deal with the trauma, versus just accepting it for what it is as a small child that knows nothing. Also, I was kidding about the others, sometimes I can make jokes. I just don't laugh at them.)
Back to my tasks. I also keep all the chaos from taking over and the others from doing crazy things that could cause trouble as well. I help everyone stay motivated and solve things. I don't have much emotion, so I am good at keeping feelings out of attempting to find the best solutions. My actions won't be swayed by emotion; I will just do the best for everyone, inside or out. I am always aware yet rarely in control. I can stop other alters from fronting as the gatekeeper and can put the body on a sort of pause before someone does something stupid. I also give advice and mediate for the others inside. I know things that I keep from the host, like access to the memories yet I don’t even know what they really are either. I don’t know who does. I just know how to hide them and when the right time will be to reveal them. It’s like the memories are in a small box and I hid that small box. Hard to explain. When I do front, you would think I was cold and heartless, yet I am only doing what I believe is best for everyone. I would do nothing to hurt anyone. I respect MakersDozn and Allegra so I figured I would post here, and just sort of say hello. So hello Makers and others that have posted in here.

we do have a number of close friends, people we have known for more than a decade and who have been thru hard times with us and they know about the DID. some have better understanding of it than others.
truth is that many are looking for advice and they noticed that sometimes we say smart things that help. they know we wont judge, we are not easily shocked by their darkness and its safe for them to speak. so they are trying to use that.
they notice the change but they dont know me by name.
its a matter of jealousy in the system, when i am the person everyone wants to talk to...
I have noticed that some people come to me with their overwhelming need and i respond to that out of my pure ability to say something, not because it would be a good and healthy thing to do. I really want to avoid any dependent pattern. sometimes its hard to decide what is still friendship and when people come to get therapy. often i find it easier to give in, to just fix things quickly, instead of looking for proper boundaries. these things have a tendency to get emotionally abusive. i am working on my "no".

Hi Everybody,

I guess I'm like the system helper. I pretty much stay between Host and the system trying to help them get along so we can get things done. I try to make it so nobody inside is fighting. Sometimes I help Host be good with outside people since he's not really. I like people more than he does so I handle relationships.

You know it's kind of scary to actually say I'm the Helper. But I am. Our T says I get too involved in helping and need to take a break sometimes.

Iain