Integration fears

For the last 4 years, I have had about 80 or so wonderful alters. And it looks like the future is integration, or having everyone live the same life at the same time.

Problem is I really love all these guys. And I cannot see myself in a future of just me. I want Derrick and Zack and TK and C and Martin and Alexis and Kevin and James to pop out and do stuff. But if things stay the way they are, their lives will basically be Derrick popping out for 2 minutes, having a ton of fun, and going back inside. That's not a life in my view, but he's really happy with it!

Does integration mean everyone who is there now just goes inside and never comes out again? Because I want them to pop out like they do now. They are a massive part of my life, and the thought of not having them brings me to tears. I do not want to integrate if they are not with me. Someone please explain this to me. Thank you.

I don't get the sense that integration is going to be like some going inside and never coming out again... I get the sense it's more like they become part of you in a way that never gets lost again. I'm not sure if that's right though seeing as I'm not integrated, but that's the way I conceptualise it.

This book gave me the clearest picture of what integration might actually feel like: http://www.amazon.com/Life-Pieces-Harro ... 0091922100

So I don't get the feeling it would be like you were alone exactly, maybe more like you are more of you at once....

It is a scary step to decide to take for sure. Especially seeing as you can't really know what it will be like for you until you do it. But I get the feeling that it could be a really satisfying thing if it means everyone gets more time as one. Rather than just a minute or two out and then nothing for ages.

From my understanding the parts will always be there, just more incorporated than they are now. They will always be there for us though.

Jamie1982 wrote:From my understanding the parts will always be there, just more incorporated than they are now. They will always be there for us though.

But will they still be able to switch out?

NicS wrote:But will they still be able to switch out?

They will be out already, with everyone melded together, not like you know them now.

We (littler ones) think of integration like we think of a cake and it's ingredients. At the moment we are all the ingredients of a cake individually. Like eggs, flour, sugar etc. All the ingredients taste good by themselves and they all have qualities that are good/beneficial in their own right. But the ingredients can only be experienced by themselves at the moment because they are not integrated. When we get integrated, we imagine it will be like all the ingredients becoming a delicious cake. The ingredients are all still there but you experience them all together then, not seperately anymore. They all get to be together and create something good but different, something that can be experienced at the same time rather than individually.

Una+ has described some experience with her integrated parts. If I remember well, she describes it as having the experience that other alters would normally have (and she wouldn't), but feeling it as her own while also feeling it as coming in a sense from what used to be an alter. I may be wrong with that description--that is just how I remembered what she wrote. She said it is amazing, and that you feel much more multidimensional with this kind of integration.

Robert Oxnam also writes about this in his autobiography. It's not exactly like the parts are gone, just that their set of skills and memories are available to others in the system and so they don't need to be out anymore.

I think it's possible that fusion means different things to different systems. For some, they cease to be "we," for others they are still "we" in some senses. That's my impression from reading on boards and books.

Congratulations on this progress you are making. Sounds momentous.

I'm in a place right now where the thought of integration is unbearably painful. Some of my guys are getting their own mail. For them to not be around is depressing in a way I have not experienced in a very long time. Who knows about the future, but for right now I never want to integrate if it means I never get to see Derrick or Sean again.

Hi Nic,

If you don't mind us asking, what do you mean when you say "it looks like the future is integration"? Have you discussed this with the rest of your system and with your T? What do your others feel about integrating? Have you explored other options, such as cooperation?

Just trying to get a clearer picture of what you're dealing with, so that we can be as supportive as possible.

Sending good thoughts.

Mary, Allegra, and others

MakersDozn wrote:Hi Nic,

If you don't mind us asking, what do you mean when you say "it looks like the future is integration"? Have you discussed this with the rest of your system and with your T? What do your others feel about integrating? Have you explored other options, such as cooperation?

We have only recently begun the conversation with our therapist, and despite her reassurances, our own research and what we've heard so far is kind of scary. I have never heard of cooperation, what is it?

In terms of other alters, we have heard nothing really negative. Most of the negativity seems to be stemming from my own fears. Some of the guys, like TK and Brian, are being exceptionally rational. I'm just scared apparently. But your thoughts and well wishes are actually making me feel much better. So thank you for that, and please keep them coming.

NicS wrote:We have only recently begun the conversation with our therapist, and despite her reassurances, our own research and what we've heard so far is kind of scary. I have never heard of cooperation, what is it?

My T feels like a cooperative co-existence is the way to go for us. We have never felt like integration was our long-term goal. What I understand is that we will all still exist, our issues and trauma will be integrated so that we all are aware and have dealt with it. But, as far as each of us parts we will still be there, just working together. Have communication and all that. One of the processes we are currently working on is developing a core belief system. Something that shows our ideas and beliefs that all or most of us feel deeply about. It is long-term...In the end the hope is that while each of us will have our different likes and dislikes about little things, have different hobbies or activities, we will present a unified person in what is really important to us. I have actually never read about this in any literature, but think it is brilliant.