Moods versus alters?

I have several older threads that need to be answered (thanks to everyone for your insights) and I'm not abandoning them, but I'm not in the right state of mind to get back to them. Just undisciplined in my thinking? Not sure. Bear with me.

It's clear I have symptoms of DID with alters and all that. I get it. What is confusing me is that I am very "moody" in general, from minute to minute at times, and I don't know if that is part of it or not part of it.

Earlier tonight, one of my other moods was lamenting about this and asking for feedback from my SO. Feedback as in, "what was I like today in _____ situation?" He barely notices anything even in extreme cases. All of the sudden, it was ME lamenting, and my SO said, "oh! You are someone else. Who are you? Are you the same one that was just here? Do you remember what you just said? What's your name?"

What's crazy is that I did not remember what I just said! Doesn't seem like the other one was a whole other person, i don't know, it doesn't seem like anything, just that I know I suddenly changed. I knew what we were talking about and I was continuing on the same theme. I asked what I seemed like before, and he said depressed and whiny. I'm not depressed or whiny, maybe very energetic and flighty? Then the other one was back again for a second, and I saw it seeming disoriented and upset. Meanwhile, SO was busily checking his phone and didn't notice until I came back and commented. It kept happening like that. I have a ton of things like this that happen to me. All. the. time. I asked my SO how I seem to him. He said I act like a teenager. I do not think of myself as a teenager. I know I am in this body such and such an age, blah blah. I am just me. How do I know if I'm different than other me's, or what that even means?

I hear it might not matter that much. My SO said it doesn't matter, to him it's all his wife and he's used to it like that.

How in the heck do I figure this out. Another thing, I have so many thoughts in my head. So many thoughts and little snippets and images. It is like scenery and I don't worry about it too much. I hear the thoughts talking to me some times. Half the time it is like I have 10 strands of thought and plans at the same time. Am I manic or something? It doesn't bother me, but I am curious!

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I am the "other one," and what I had been asking my partner is if he noticed that at a social event today I seemed different than my usual self. My husband said I always act the same in social situations, and that is how I act. I asked if it seemed like "me," and he said he wouldn't say I seem like a completely different person, just more excitable and enthusiastic (or something to that effect.) Then he described all the situations that he recognizes me acting that way. Then "I" became that way and I (the one writing) ceased to exist until I heard the baby cry and needed to get to her.

I didn't really experience myself (who is writing at this moment) going away. I wasn't aware of being anywhere until I found myself in her head when I needed to attend to my baby, and then it was as if we were switching places rapidly. I could feel her upper head energy. It feels like energy is bursting out of the front/top of my head. But she is very familiar to me. I would just assume that she is me except for the other stuff that has been happening. I used to feel very annoyed with myself for talking in a kind of adolescent way and being way too talkative and friendly (not that I'm not friendly), but I think that is her.

My husband said to him it's just moods, that I seem like the same person just with a sudden change of moods and thoughts. If the one person who is supposed to know me the best has no idea, how will I ever sort through all this? See, "she" and I are both confused and not sure how to understand what this is.

Maybe we aren't alters, but different kind of states?
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Any thoughts or wise words would be so welcome! Thanks, fellow DIDers and others!
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p.s. When I read this back, the way it is written makes it seem like we are different parts, but it really doesn't feel like that. It feels way less extreme than with the ones that I know are alters, where I have a lot of dissociative symptoms and barriers. These changes seem more fluid. Anyone else know what I am talking about?

Yeah, I had this a lot with Three, we are basically the same the only things that seperates us is the fact that music makes me feel like I'm truely alive , a reaction that she doesn't feel.
Another difference is that I really dislike children while she completely adores them (I will never understand how she can like those drooling whiny irritating beings that they call children but whatever).
Three is also a bit more caring towards other people feelings (comes with loving children I guess) and she has ...okay you know what the more I write the more I see how different we are!

It seems that Melody has no idea how to explain this to you so she called me out to help (I am Three by the way)
We call ourselves twins because we resemble eachother completly in situations where kids and music aren't involved.
We have the same hobbies likes and dislikes (again without the involvement of kids and music) and we react the same too.
We had issues with knowing who was who because we were co-concinious too which made some of her distaste for children leak into me and added more confusion to the situation.
We are more conected to eachother than to the others in our system which gives us the abillity to switch within the blink of an eye with and without knowing (we notice it the second we come across a kid, if it's me my thought go like ; aw isn't that a cute little baby and Melody's thinks; damn another one).

It could be that you two are different parts with the same core so to speak.
I don't know if this helps you but it was nice to talk.

Have a nice day!

Melody and Three

Passive influence and at other times covert control is how I explain it. I have had only a handful of times outside of therapy that I have experienced dramatic switches. Otherwise to my family I am very moody.

Melissa, Jayson and I might switch multiple times in a conversation depending on any triggers. And, my family is great at those little triggers. It can cause me to come across as very ditzy. "Huh, huh what were we talking about again?" And, because it has been going on for years it is just "that is Mom." or "That is my wife". One moment I can be depressed and not wanting to talk to anyone, and then certain music will play and suddenly I am laughing and joking with my kids, and then the music stops and boom back to very introspective. I am only now feeling the internal energy change and an internal snap in my head when it happens.

My T says there are energy changes and slight changes in posture or facial appearance, but if one is not attuned to pick up on it, then most will think it is just you.

I know exactly what you mean! Been there, done that.

Nondescript wrote:It's clear I have symptoms of DID with alters and all that. I get it. What is confusing me is that I am very "moody" in general, from minute to minute at times, and I don't know if that is part of it or not part of it.

That is part of it. A moody person is someone who is often depressed, sullen, negative. Multiples are not moody per se; we are mercurial. We are prone to sudden unpredictable changes of mood and behavior. Mental health professionals who have worked with a lot of patients who have Schneiderian first rank symptoms sometimes say schizophrenia and DID "feel" distinctly different: patients with schizophrenia have a crumbly, friable quality; patients with DID have a quicksilver quality.

Nondescript wrote:All of the sudden, it was ME lamenting, and my SO said, "oh! You are someone else. Who are you? Are you the same one that was just here? Do you remember what you just said? What's your name?"

Bravo! He is learning. He is growing more aware, noticing, sensing exactly the moments when you switch. This is excellent.

As for you, it sounds like you had a "revolving door crisis" going on there. When little or no amnesia is involved, this experience is known as a "co-consciousness crisis". This experience is very common in a newly aware multiple who has a lot of passive influence phenomena, as clearly you do.

I have alters come out with moods. Usually unpleasant one's and I come off looking like a jackass. Mt T picks up on the slightest changes and works with whoever shows up. The next session she'll ask me if I remember our last session and invariably never do. My SO also picks up on it and will ask me who are you and what's your name. So I can identify with you on some aspects of what you wrote. I haven't experienced co-conscious yet but that's what my T wants me to do.

So I'm new and I must of influenced Johnny to push people away sometimes when they were really making a mess of his head. I don't remember much how it all worked. I think we were automatic about how we got away from some people. But when Johnny kept thinking it must be an alter, not just him alone, I sent my name up. He messed it up first but then heard it right.

Then I got yanked out of my role, or it wasn't so strong to have to do it, and found out I could be myself and not just somebody copping this strong attitude so Johnny could stop getting used. I guess he needed my help because he couldn't make up his mind about certain people that were messing him up a lot. I feel like I can be myself now. I went for a long walk tonight like Jack used to. They tell me I'll get sucked back into the bad habits everybody's got anyway. I don't know. Maybe I'll use my talent I got to push them away! We just might need that for now. Nic was surprised. I didn't hug him but I just met him. I would go and give a little kid a hug because they're scared a lot.

I guess I was a mood for Johnny, a bad one probably. But I did my job and got him out of jams. Like a couple years ago this old "friend" is living free in Johnny's house, he's irresponsible about paying back all this money he owed Johnny, and he is zero help when Johnny needs to talk about the DID, even though the guy loves watching "Unied States of Tara" about a lady with DID. He just stares, gives a dumb smile, says like nothing. No lie. So Johnny needs help to cut this guy off but good. I make Johnny not look or talk to the guy, who gets nervous. Then Johnny writes him a letter telling him what he expects from now on and poof the guy moves out. And takes some of our tools and leaves boxes of crap.

I'm a alter I guess but Johnny was thinking I acted like a dissociated ego state, which I don't know what it is. But now he sees me out he's like, yeah, you're a teenage alter. We had some other guys who influenced Johnny a lot too and he'd didn't know it. Quato, Marc and Carter especially. But Dan made him get blond hair and blue eyes and Little John made him scared of the dark and sit to urinate because of a mother threat thing. Johnny didn't know what was going on until he sees we've got the DID then he figures out the weird stuff is alters probably.

Faolán

The replies on this thread have been so helpful. I want to reply to each one but it might take a few days.

Iluranai wrote: ...okay you know what the more I write the more I see how different we are!

It seems that Melody has no idea how to explain this to you so she called me out to help (I am Three by the way)
We call ourselves twins because we resemble eachother completly in situations where kids and music aren't involved.
We have the same hobbies likes and dislikes (again without the involvement of kids and music) and we react the same too.
We are more conected to eachother than to the others in our system which gives us the abillity to switch within the blink of an eye with and without knowing (we notice it the second we come across a kid, if it's me my thought go like ; aw isn't that a cute little baby and Melody's thinks; damn another one).

I am not sure about hobbies and dislikes in my case because I don't know anyone well enough to know what they like. It sounds like the more you two wrote, Melody and Three, the more you convinced yourselves you are not as much the same as you thought. Is that so? I know this feeling of switching several times in a sentence and it somehow working out most of the time. It makes me feel I must be getting confused and thinking I'm switching with someone else, maybe I'm just having flights of depersonalization? But the same thing happens with my sense of my body--it changes sometimes very rapidly. Hard to describe and imperceptible from the outside, I'm sure. But it's like my body tension and sense of how my body is or where my center of balance will shift over and over. I could be taking the trash out, and suddenly I'll feel, 'oh, the bag is being carried differently, my body feels different,' and it's like I'm not carrying the trash, I'm just noticing how my body is carrying it, and it feels familiar but 'not me.' I realize this has been happening all along, I used to recognize these different "feelings" of being that were repeating (some last for months, others have been on and off over minutes.) I don't know how to communicate with them or identify them. I remember when Una+ suggested I just talk to them in my head--what a revelation! But I'm still not sure these are all alters. Maybe something between alters and something else? I really feel I might be having a mental breakdown.

am4kds wrote: Melissa, Jayson and I might switch multiple times in a conversation depending on any triggers. And, my family is great at those little triggers. It can cause me to come across as very ditzy. "Huh, huh what were we talking about again?" And, because it has been going on for years it is just "that is Mom." or "That is my wife". One moment I can be depressed and not wanting to talk to anyone, and then certain music will play and suddenly I am laughing and joking with my kids, and then the music stops and boom back to very introspective. I am only now feeling the internal energy change and an internal snap in my head when it happens.

I'm glad you wrote this. I remember we have talked about this before, but this description is so apt. I feel like a lot of my triggers are my inner thoughts about external events. Or maybe the thoughts I hear (that are "my" thoughts but from other alters)? I will see my daughter do something, have a thought about it, and suddenly I'm being "not myself," whatever that means.

There is no real I, is what I feel, I'm just a collection of my alters, and I don't know who they are. No wonder I am having a crisis. What if they don't know who they are, either? I originally thought this meant that they are me. Now I realize that doesn't make sense. If I don't know who I am and you don't know who you are, and we're talking to one another in the dark, that doesn't mean we're the same person.

The other day, a very interesting part surfaced while I was trying to reply to a thread here. It had surfaced one other time before. It is a very damaged, not fully human being that is associated with a particular place in the inner world that I remember from childhood but that I don't have access to anymore. I think what it was writing was that it is dangerous for us to know who we are, and it is forbidden for us to recognize ourselves. There was a feeling that this part prevented it in some way. It sounds so labyrinthine and unbelievable to me. I know I didn't make it up, but maybe that part is deluded in a way into thinking it can affect these things? Or maybe I misunderstood it. I want to know more but I don't know how to get that part to emerge.

Una+ wrote:I know exactly what you mean! Been there, done that.

That is part of it. A moody person is someone who is often depressed, sullen, negative. Multiples are not moody per se; we are mercurial. We are prone to sudden unpredictable changes of mood and behavior. Mental health professionals who have worked with a lot of patients who have Schneiderian first rank symptoms sometimes say schizophrenia and DID "feel" distinctly different: patients with schizophrenia have a crumbly, friable quality; patients with DID have a quicksilver quality.

That is helpful. Thank you.

I think I have to be careful not to view myself and my 'symptoms' or 'alters' through the lens of my husband, who gives me such mixed messages about wanting/not wanting to hear about what I'm going through. He seems mildly horrified, with a mix of sympathy and irritation, and the occasional outburst of amazement (like when it's obvious I suddenly switch and he notices.) He says, I only want to know things that affect our relationship. He doesn't get that this whole thing affects our whole relationship.

I often wonder what's keeping him with me through years of dealing with my 'issues,' and then he'll state all my good qualities and how well we get along. But it's painful to feel that my main partner has little interest in deeply witnessing who I am or knowing what my experience is. He is not a Westerner, comes from a less individualistic culture, and thinks we Americans with all our psychological issues are too into ourselves. (Thankfully, he fully understands that someone with my past would have serious issues.) I had relationships in the past that were more true to me in that sense, but these past friends and partners were very unstable themselves, and often we ended up in codependency or, in the case of a long-term relationship with another multiple, nearly destroying ourselves. So this good, stable relationship is very functional in an external way. But kind of lonely for me right now.

Nondescript wrote:As for you, it sounds like you had a "revolving door crisis" going on there. When little or no amnesia is involved, this experience is known as a "co-consciousness crisis". This experience is very common in a newly aware multiple who has a lot of passive influence phenomena, as clearly you do.

I have read about it before, I think on one of your threads, and I think I have experienced it often but without being aware of what was happening. Thanks for pointing it out.

-- Mon Sep 08, 2014 10:06 pm --

firelamb67 wrote:I have alters come out with moods. Usually unpleasant one's and I come off looking like a jackass. Mt T picks up on the slightest changes and works with whoever shows up. The next session she'll ask me if I remember our last session and invariably never do. My SO also picks up on it and will ask me who are you and what's your name. So I can identify with you on some aspects of what you wrote. I haven't experienced co-conscious yet but that's what my T wants me to do.

So for you you start to feel in a bad mood/way and then when your T notices, they come all the way out? it seems like with me if anyone IDs them they are likely to disappear. I'm not sure why/how. But I know you have been working with your T for a while, and she is experienced and you trust her. Thanks for sharing your experience. I hear you are working co-consciousness. Wishing you progress in that!

Faolán,

Your post is so helpful to me. I'm glad you were able to be of help and also glad that rather than just having to do an unpleasant task for Johnny, you can be yourself more. The details in your story were very instructive in how things might work for me or other multiples. Please don't think my brief reply means your post wasn't appreciated. It's past my bedtime. Take care!