finding proof which might exclude DID tw

i asked my SO if i seemed different during one of my blackouts, it was a situation where i wanted to buy a house(we were looking at places to move), and tried to talk her into buying it for several days. I have no memory of it what so ever,(only that we arrived at the house, but then it's all black) but i just know when she sometime later showed me pictures online of my so called dreamhouse, i said i never would live there in a million years, it's absolutely horrible.

She said that she didn't notice any difference in me during that time, although she says i act like different people alot of times, but my mission now is to find out if these changes are connected to my amnesia, i don't think alot of those changes are connected to it? I just feel very controlled by something. i don't have any power over myself, my memories, thoughts, interests etc.

so i guess it is possible that i just have dissociative amnesia, depersonalization and derealization disorder?

forgot to mention that a previous therapist diagnosed me with dissociative amnesia, depersonalization/derealization, and thought i had something close to did, and the therapist i have now has diagnosed me with did.

Well, your wife did not notice the difference in you at the time but she sure can see it now. One part of you wants that house and another part does not. That is identity alteration. Plus you have no memory of wanting the house, or even walking through it. That is amnesia.

Looks like DID to me.

yes....i guess you're right
i was going to say something...but everything got blocked in my mind
it's annoying, when you know what you want to say, and then it disappears

riddle wrote:i was going to say something...but everything got blocked in my mind
it's annoying, when you know what you want to say, and then it disappears

That, sadly, is the story of my life, in terms of trying to figure all this out. Like a trap door opens and it's just gone. So gone sometimes that you're not even sure what you were just looking for. You can feel even the sense of it drift away until you're just left staring vacantly.

Alters do not necessarily present much differently. It's a common assumption. Jonathan and Aaron pass quite well as me, whether they're trying to or not. Most people would not notice a difference other than perhaps they see me in a more serious mood. However, people who have DID and see us in person, as have NicS or Una from this board, do pick up the difference.

It seems that another part of you may present very much as you do. If so, you may want to celebrate that there is a part of you who can successfully negotiate certain transactions in your life, even if their taste is different from yours. Your wife will get better and better at noticing the difference.

I recall a work colleague of mine a while back saying out of the blue "I wish I had another personality who liked to do that type of thing." She didn't know about me but I said something risky like "yeah, it can be great." And she didn't even pick up on it. Or maybe she did.

95% of people with DID aren't florid.
That means nobody is going to see overt changes in you unless they are primed for it.
Our husband couldn't tell the difference at first, but once he knew what to look for he relatively swiftly started to tell us apart (with some initial help from us announcing ourselves - a personal choice).

Like Una said in an earlier thread, what you're describing is textbook.
In fact kudos to your doctor's for identifying dissociation right away.
Dissociation exists on a spectrum, so IMO it is perfectly normal for them to recognise lower levels of dissociation (DP, DR) first and then gradually realise there is more (amneisa), and more, until they arrived at DID.

I think you're in the right place.

Also I thought I'd mention that I/we have very little "overt" lost time.
We do lose time, but mostly a few minutes here and a few minutes there, so unless someone rubs our nose in it, it just blends perfectly and we're none the wiser. Days just get a little shorter sometimes.

In addition to the hidden lost time we also have some co-presence and even co-consciousness, so instead of lost time I am sometimes along for the ride when one of my Other's takes over.
This feels very much like Depersonalisation to me: It is as if I were watching from behind a glass pane, I can see and hear myself and others but I am not in control. Another part of me is. I can listen to them speak, I can feel the body walk, but it is not my will that is moving us, not my words coming out of our mouth.

I just thought I'd say because just like the idea that every alter is instantly recognizable as "other"
the idea of straight forward blanks is not always 100% accurate either, so you might well be aware of some of the things your Others do. You might be along for the ride when you experience DP/DR. Just a wild guess considering how this went down for us.

There are common themes but no two groups/systems are the same.

Honestly, the search for proof is only natural but in our experience it has been plenty pointless.
Maybe it will be different for you.

You are unlikely to find absolute proof. There are always alternate explanation and let's face it, as a patient population dissociatives are excessively good at forgetting (le sigh) and doubting the validity of their own subjective experience at that.

While we could never quite stop ourselves from attempting to disprove our DID, I have gained far more from trying to communicate with other parts of myself even when I wasn't convinced they were real.

Notebooks, post-its, diaries, sketchbooks. They are all fantastic tools.
You can type if you must, but writing to each other by hand is even more effective in my experience.
You can ask questions, fill them in on who you are and what is going on for you. Entirely up to you.

It might take a while, but you might find some questions are being answered or new ones might show up that you can answer yourself.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Most people would not notice a difference other than perhaps they see me in a more serious mood. However, people who have DID and see us in person, as have NicS or Una from this board, do pick up the difference.

Yes. It is uncanny, really. When Johnny switches to Jonathan I see no visible glitch (no eye roll, no halt) and there is no discontinuity in our conversation but in my body I feel a distinct change of tack (a sailing term) and a very different quality of energy. Now there is another person participating in the conversation. Johnny's energy is asexual; Jonathan's energy is male and heterosexual. I feel in myself, in my body, an intense push or pull or urge or itch to switch in some way to match him; suddenly I become acutely aware that my body is female. It is a weird feeling. I think Jonathan's male energy may be activating Alter 4, my alter with whom I have limited communication above a somatic level.

With other parts of Johnny-Jack's system I feel a similar kind of pressure but it is less powerful and different in quality. His system has so many littles and for the most part the littles call out my parental self. I am well acquainted with my inner child but that part of me is not dissociated, not contained in alters, and Johnny needs to feel very safe and comfortable before he can allow the littles a free rein. When the switch is to a little I don't always see the switch but I sure can see the little. When Jack comes out the switch is visible, but I think that is because Jack first asks Johnny and there is a conscious hand-off of executive control.

I became aware of my DID only in my 40's. Alter 2 and I have a long history of switching; I knew I was experiencing identity alteration (often in the form of a depersonalized trance but sometimes a possession state) but as it worked for me I rarely asked myself why this was so. Post-diagnosis I have come out as a multiple to many people who know me. Most have said they never saw any switching, they just thought my moods were hair-trigger. In other words they all saw the switching; they just did not recognize what they saw. They didn't see any amnesia, but that is because I did see it and I worked hard to conceal it.

This ability to see and feel when a multiple is switching or has switched is a learned skill that many multiples, their family members and close friends, and DID-experienced therapists clearly do have. We call it DID-dar.

DID Forum: Do you have DID-dar?

you guys all posted alot of meaningful posts, it all makes alot of sense

maybe i will try to write something....not sure...don't think i'd respond very well if i found an answer :S sounds kind of spooky...

i get that energy post about johnny-jack, made me think of what happened to me after 2012, i think my energy changed? because before i could not turn on a light switch without a light bulb "exploding" once or twice a week, now it never happens.
i have a friend who picks up on energies, she told me, not only has your personality changed, but your energy is totally different too.

but....if altars don't present much differently...what happens to the criteria "at least 2 distinct personalities..."?
if i have a part that presents much like me.....how come i have amnesia between that part..and not the other parts which are totally different from me..and who other people pick up on...?
it "should" be amnesia between the parts that differs from me...maybe i have some...i don't know...i do know when my SO and i have an argument...i cannot remember after what happened...what was said...all i know is that my SO is in a bad mood, while i am good mood + confused, and she talks of this as a personality change in me. (maybe ep?)
it has also happened that i've been really mad at someone, no memory of this at all, it only came up when i asked this person why she was acting so short and weird with me all of the sudden.

My SO has told me she has seen about 4 or was it 5 different personalities? with their own tastes, interests, opinions etc.
after i had that weird "breakdown" in desember 2012, she told me i had another personality come forward, someone she had never experienced before, someone ladylike(my SO calls it, ..someone alot more carefree and easy going)
i've never been butch, yes i am gay...i think.......even though my SO thinks i'm straight
new interest, tastes..opinions.(i love pink! i love shopping for clothes! i love antique things! i love alot of things i didn't like at all before, and that happened overnight. i do have amnesia between alot of the likes and not likes though and as you already know...alot of other things.)
but even though i can stay as those "parts", i can still change from one minute to the next and back again, sometimes longer, she also said. i know of this "ladylike"change, but i have a barrier that keeps me from getting too much information from before this happened. + the "ladylike" period has been the new me since the "breakdown"

when i had that "breakdown" the woman with the comforting voice and who always says good things, told me not to worry, i was going to die soon.....for a long time i wondered what that meant(i thought i was going to physically die), until i thought i knew what it was, the one i was before couldn't handle life anymore(see right here..."the one i was before"..i guess if i really had did it should say the altar who managed life before me or something)so it changed, so i could go on, because the areas i had problems in before...are much easier to deal with. even though i'm being controlled at a much higher level i can ever remember.

last session with my therapist, i told her my concerns about being wrongly diagnosed....she said we need to find out when it is i get amnesia..what happens before..during..and after...(i can't help her there...because i have no idea that i even forgot) so my SO has to help out i guess.

maybe i'm wrong, but i think she said something like...it could be dissociation/amnesia because of feelings...(could one forget hours, days, people or just small incidents if one dissociate because of feelings?)
i know that i can forget important things that are being said, my SO wants us to give our dog away...she told me this, and the next day she told me she had told me this...but i had never heard it before..i guess this could be forgotten because it involved strong feelings? (i don't really want to give him away...)
so my therapist wants to find out if i dissociate because of feelings...or if i am split(i am diagnosed with did, but i guess she wants to find out more) because if you're split, you don't "something..." i am blank for what she said here....but you "turn into someone else" for normal events, or something..she also said...i think,...not because of feelings.

Is this true? if strong feelings come up, you don't switch?

also, my therapist claim i have good memory because i scored well at the neuropsych testing i did years ago, not true...i know i have poor memory, and people who knows me says the same...:S

does people who have did, suffer from chronic dp? (or maybe like teatime said:...being along on the ride........with "ladylike" then probably)

oh...this was a loooong post...