How are you today thread (trigger warning)

I am hella tired. and I really hate that. I know I need some Downtime to be healthy. but ######6 life isn't going to let that happen. I have tasks to complete every night after work this week. then moving this weekend. then work again with more evening tasks necessary. in all likelihood it will be next weekend before I get anything close to some quiet time. provided I have gotten some semblance of unpacking done.

perhaps if I am very careful I can have some time to relax on sunday. I need to tread carefully or I will pay for my exhaustion in spades. I hate it. because I know it. I see it. and I don't know how the hell to change it!

I am still suffering daily panic attacks & the consequences of them.
I started looking at other jobs & sending out resumes.
Today is the staff meeting & I need to remind myself to keep as quiet as possible as the staff meeting is mostly for the professional staff & I'm not a professional + I tend to torture myself over everything I say loud in this meeting. I have such a bad social anxiety & I just wish I could hide away from the world for a while instead of wandering off carrying so much guilt & shame of myself.

Oh Blogjects - guilt and shame are destroyers. I don't know if I have mentioned it to you before but I have a book The Compassionate Mind Approach to Recovering from Trauma by Deborah Lee with Sophie James. My T (hearts and flowers abound) recommended it. It really tackles this guilt and shame stuff head on.

We have had quite a battle to read it. We are pretty destructive generally. We have been programmed to believe that taking any help from these kind of books is shameful because we should be able to manage. Using any for of what one of my adults terms in a very disparaging way 'self help' books deems me to be a failure.

For me - I sometimes think I cling to all this negative stuff because I don't know what the hell I am without it. It's awful to be someone who is defined by the negativity that runs through.

The book discusses how the brain is programmed regarding trauma - but it is pretty easy to follow. It moves onto mindfulness. After yesterdays mess I made myself pick the book back up again - maybe it is a coincidence but I just sleep through the night for the first time in months.

Power to you on the resume sending. Let us know how the meeting went.

I'm kind of sad right now. Host and I are in this group to learn how to write. Only last night they were saying some people don't write enough. I know they mean me. I thought they liked me. Now I realize I'm just being stupid and pathetic!! I'm not good enough to be in the group and everybody knows it!

Iain

Just forget about it.
It doesn't matter.

hey Iain,
ready to step back from emotions for a moment to check the situation?
they could have meant anyone and maybe its not you and host.
maybe it is true and you dont write enough, but that can be just a fact that has nothing to do with liking you or not. just a rational fact that doesnt have anything to do with relationships in the group.
you are not stupid and you are not pathetic. you try. tryers are more important than dreamers and more courageous than the doers who know they can do it. tryers are awesome and brave.

Hey their lain! Perhaps they meant other people were not writing enough, not specifically you. And perhaps they want you to write more, because they want to read more of your stuff. Practice makes perfect and I am sure you are a good writer. Or is it write well? See even I mess up and my strongest area is writing. Honestly sometimes I look at what I've written and I think it sucks and sounds really bad. It happens, your worst critic is usually yourself. Hang in their and keep trying, you will only get better.

Hi Iain. That's like just about how I feel about everything. Don't know why I bother doing anything. Makes it worse because I'm a girl. Adults often say this stuff being very general and it makes us feel rubbish about ourselves. It doest mean they don't like you. If you want to write more do if you don't don't. You write what you want to write when you want to write it. Anyway its not all down to you host is there as well??? Does he put pen to paper??? Sorry just getting a bit defensive there. Anyway it does matter and your feelings also matter adults just forget that sometime. Sorry I've gone on now. I'll forget about it if you want mate.

Sean

Thanks everybody. Good stuff. I'm making sure Iain reads what you wrote. He's kind of down right now. The group thing hit him pretty hard. I'm not sure exactly what happened but he ended up feeling pretty lousy. Iain's close to front and likes to help out. He's still only 14 though. He gets caught up in stuff.

Colin

"Post Traumatic people can be very annoying & had to differentiate from Personality disorders"
Thank you so much mister Therapist for enriching us with this insight.
That is so sensitive & thoughtful.
I really needed to hear how biased Professionals
can be against people whose lives are so full of misery & pain.
I don't even like the term "Personality disorders".
People go through terrible things in their lives.
Sometimes they break.
Also, I tried to explain to other workers (not the professionals) how difficult it is for me to hear such things & they wouldn't even understand.
People heal best when they are loved well, that is my attitude.
The way the staff speaks about the tenants is patronizing, judgmental, sarcastic & devaluing & cruel.

Blogjects that sucks and sounds really unprofessional. I worked in psychiatry for several years and one of the big things was to talk about people as individuals not as a list of symptoms or a diagnosis. Second there is a place for individuals to sound of if they are frustrated by clients but I would not have thought that would be a general staff meeting - more like individual supervision....negative attitudes spread like wild fire in places where work can be challenging. I really appreciate why you hate these meeting so much. Sounds like the whole unit needs some education in prejudice. It is hard to stand up against a wave of it within an institution. I know you keep going on about being too nice, but it takes a fighter to keep going in amongst all that. There is no shame in stepping away (keep doing the resumes) because every fighter needs a rest.