4th day of being out alone and feeling weird...

tomboy24 wrote:thank you!

i hope it continues too!

i haven't because of my back and ribs hurting and then i got sick. but i feel better today and just might try that! i know the others walk and listen to music and used to do it a lot.

you don't have to apologize, it's ok. advice is still advice!


thank you maria! i am feeling a bit better! mainly now it's the cough from the cold that hurts because it hurts the ribs but other than that i feel ok (aside from my back hurting but that's like, all the time now).


- cassie (age ?)

We're glad that you're feeling better today! We hope it keeps up and that you feel all the way better soon! And that your ribs and back get better too
-Us

AliasForAFew wrote:We're glad that you're feeling better today! We hope it keeps up and that you feel all the way better soon! And that your ribs and back get better too
-Us

thank you!

i think this cold might go away soon, but it'll be a while before our back and ribs start to get better (have to get to a chiropractor first, and before that, gotta get insurance). but at least i think the swelling of the ribs has gone down, so that's good.


- cassie (age ?)

i didn't get to try the walk with listening yesterday, but i might try it later today if i can, or tomorrow.

last night lynn came out a bit, but i can't sense her today. i can still only sense blank, prism, shay, ray, keith, and dallas, though most of them are very far away today and i can just barely sense them.


and i think i'm somewhere in the teens for how old i am today. and i'm going up and down between teen and twenty as well i think sometimes. it's weird and uncomfortable but i try to just let it be and happen.


- cassie (age ?)

i feel so strange...

*maybe trigger warning*

i feel like i shouldn't be as ok as i am... it's hard to explain... i feel like i'm struggling, and i feel like i'm having a hard time, but at the same time, i also feel like i'm handling this too well and should feel/seem/be "worse"... it's like... it's like having muscle cramps and swimming against the current, and yet somehow i'm still getting somewhere, but i'm not showing any signs of struggling, even though i am struggling and continuing to swim is very hard...

i feel like i should be crying, but i'm not. i feel like i should curl up into a ball and hide under a blanket, but i don't. i feel like i should be freaking out, on the edge, frazzled, and all emotional because of it, but i'm not. yet inside i feel like i am, or i get close to being that way, and i feel like i should be on the outside too, but i'm not. and i don't like it. at all.




i feel like i'm getting ignored but i'm not trying to get attention in the first place, so i'm not getting ignored, people just are "extra-noticing" me, and yet because of that, i feel ignored?

i feel like i want help, but i'm not asking for any, and i don't know how to ask anyway, i seem to just want people to magically know to offer help or to help somehow? i guess?

i feel like no one's truly understanding how hard of a time i'm having, yet i'm not exactly showing how hard of a time i'm having and i'm not explaining it or say much about it either, so no one would really know or understand how hard of a time i'm having anyway, and yet i seem to expect or want people to magically know or recognize or see somehow?

these feelings are weird and confusing... and i don't like them.... and they feel like they're playing around with my head and my logic and what i know to be reasonable and stuff...


- cassie (age ?)

We need an "us" color but we can't agree on one. So we'll just have to use multiple colors. Rainbows are pretty anyway.
Anyway, It is an interesting thing your being stuck out... Though it seems necessary... Thoughts and memories are being processed and while it isn't exactly pleasant, it has been deemed the right time. Someone recalls having a similar conversation with Cassandra.
About Rebel dying, someone thinks. Anyway, we think it's good that you're doing your best out there and we want you to know thatWe think you're very strong to be going through this and very brave for taking it as well as you are despite the discomfort. We hope things continue to progress and that if/when you do take the walk It will help, even if it's just getting outside and getting some fresh air and clearing the ol' noggin' a little.
We really can't know how hard it is to go through what you're going through, we will admit. But that doesn't mean we're any less here for you, okay? It'll get better, just keep hanging in there.
All too familiar with the conflicting thoughts and feelings though...
We mean it when we say you're so strong and brave to be going through this. Don't forget that you're doing a great job!

I am glad that you wrote this post (even if it isn't logical). It seems clear to me after reading this that I misunderstood what you needed.

I am sorry that things still aren't going well for you. I hope that they get better soon. Please keep posting if you think it will help.

And I know it's not much, but we're here to listen if you want to talk. (/vent/if you want company.) We'll be cheerleaders if that's needed. Suffice to say, we don't have some kind of magic fix, but we'd like to support/help you in whatever way we can.

I don't have a reply right now (but thank you for your replies, michiru7422 and AliasForAFew, I did read them), but I think I have an update-thing kinda...


I tried walking and listening to music. I found it hard. Well, kinda. I found it hard to get inside a world. Let me try to explain from the beginning...

I started walking and listening to music. Started feeling good, letting the music make me happy, and lip-syncing with the lyrics and such. But whenever I'd try to go inside, all I could picture was myself, flying around (I sprouted wings from my shoulders, white wings, if I remember correctly), in either space, like space with stars and planets and such, except there were no planets really, just lots and lots of stars, or in the sky with clouds, but nothing else. maybe some cliffs here and there with the skys but that's it. And then, what would happen next if I tried to go into a place or like imagine a place or whatever, all I would get was flashes- tons of them, flashes of different things I've imagined before, any "world" I've explored before, anything I've ever played out in my head before- worlds from books I've read, movies I've seen, situations I've imagined, daydreams I've played out, imaginative play I've had. all sorts of different lands, animals, situations, environments, surroundings, happenings.


Mostly I saw myself, flying/sorta "hovering" in one spot in space, flipping through with my finger like screens, like on a touch-screen phone, except the screen was big, it wasn't a phone, and it was up in front of my face, and it was different screen of different "worlds", showing the most memorable thing I remembered about that "world" as the sort of like "preview-picture" so that if I wanted to go there or was curious or something, I could "pick" that "world" and go there. But I just kept flipping through, saying, "no, no, no, nope, not that one", etc. I was looking for a specific "world" with a specific "preview picture", but I couldn't remember exactly what I was looking for and I couldn't find it, either. I just knew that I'd know it when I saw it. But I never did.


I saw Hawk at one point (before I was looking through the "worlds" and "preview pictures" actually. I saw her when I was first trying to get in to/imagine/create my inner world). She flew in and said, "nice wings", and then we flew around space and stars, and blue skies and clouds together for a bit.

She didn't help me much with the inner world stuff, but I think she did say this to me: "You don't need much to create a world, Cassie. You create worlds all the time, worlds from books, movies, descriptions. From your own imagination. And you can return to any of them if you go back there, think about them, start to replay them in your head, remember them. They never went away."

And actually after she said that is when the "preview pictures" and the "world screens" popped up and I started looking through them. (I think I was trying to find the "world" that I had for my alters, not based off of some movie plot or book or something, the "world" that was our world, the real/most used "inner world", if that makes sense). But I couldn't find it.



But I was thinking after I saw that, after I watched me do that inside and stuff, "is that even possible?" And that kinda made me shocked, because that's not like me. I used to think that all sorts of things were possible, and in the magic of imagination, and that nothing with imagination was impossible. I used to think I was really flying when I pretended to fly, and that I was really a horse when I pretended to be a horse, or that nothing seemed or sounded ridiculous, at least not to the imagination of the mind. Where did that girl go...? I want to get back to her... This questioning if stuff is possible or "right" or if it could be real, even though it's inside my mind, isn't like me. I used to be, "I want this to be real, let's see what that would be like," and then I'd make it real inside my mind, and I'd play it out, and I'd have my fun, settle my curiosity, whatever, and then I'd "leave" or whatever, and sometimes I'd "come back" to that idea/daydream/wondering/"movie"/"world", and sometimes I wouldn't. What happened to that..?


so maybe it is possible that i have a bunch of different worlds i've created. and maybe i can travel between them. like a time traveler! like traveling to different realities or parallel universes or something! maybe that screen is real and i really can pick out what world i want to "visit" and stuff! i really did have wings and i really was in space, with the stars, i know that! if that can be real inside, anything can be! (right? )


i'm gonna go with that it's real for now. maybe it'll get me somewhere.


- cassie/Cassie (age ?)

we got to be out today! with cassie still there just not in control, as she says. it was fun!

- prism


(it's nice having prism around. i don't feel so lonely with them around. and it was nice that they got to be out. gave me a bit of a break. everything else is still the same, though. and right now i can't sense anyone else except for shay and blank (and prism of course 'cause they're here with me). but usually i can still barely sense keith, dallas, and ray along with blank and shay. but i'm hoping that's just something different about today and that it'll go back to being how it usually is tomorrow. - cassie (age ?))

we hope you feel better soon and that it goes back to normal or that you find a new normal

a couple of us kids have hosted for three weeks alone a few months ago and it was very weird but it worked out cause our SO was here to help us. Then everyone came back eventually.

I hope things work out

thank you!

i wish someone was here to host with me... i mean prism is around sometimes, but never for very long, and it's either mostly them out or mostly me out, it's not really an even share type of thing, and the rest of the time it's just me, out alone... it's been over a week now too...


i wish things would go back to the way they were but i know that they probably won't... so now i kinda wish things would just hurry up and change and have everyone be back already...

i hope they come back soon... it's so weird and lonely without them...


sometimes when i think about wishing they would come back i hear someone say something like "it's hard to come back when there's nothing to come back to", and i think they're talking about the inner world, because right now there is none. right now, it's like space, just empty black sky with bunches of stars and the control room is like this little escape pod ship thing that's just floating up front... i hope i can find a way to either find my inner world or create a new one or something soon except i have no idea how to go about doing that... i mean i guess i can try walking and listening to music again, but that didn't really help last time, least not that much... (and is that stuff possible even, what i posted about what i saw when i tried to go inside?? i mean i saw it and it happened so i guess it's possible for the inside, because anything's possible inside, but it's just so weird to me i guess... )

anyway i should try to go to bed now...


- cassie (age ?)