4th day of being out alone and feeling weird...

Everyone must grow, change, and develop whether the occurrence is wanted or not. I take it that you are in a safe environment and you are responsible enough to handle daily life as well as strong enough to do so. These factors, should they be correct (well, I'm me. Of course I'm right) lead me to believe that this is the destined time for change and growing and what is there to do now but go with the flow? Try some meditation, perhaps. Develop your inner world as you see fit. As said a moment ago, you don't have to like this but do try to adjust? To at least feel more comfortable with it. Perhaps write down notes of what you know when you know them before it changes and make a note of the closest age you feel by it?
I am sorry that this event is cause for distress but never fear for there are those here who care for you and want to help. Try and remember that you are not truly alone even if it seems that way. Feel free to contact us through phone or email if you want or need to.

Offers of safe hugs and warm wishes,
Vernadael Teiryn

AliasForAFew wrote:Everyone must grow, change, and develop whether the occurrence is wanted or not.

sounds like something rain would say...

deep down i think i know that but i just didn't want to get older or grow up... i can't really stop it from happening though...

AliasForAFew wrote:I take it that you are in a safe environment and you are responsible enough to handle daily life as well as strong enough to do so. These factors, should they be correct (well, I'm me. Of course I'm right) lead me to believe that this is the destined time for change and growing and what is there to do now but go with the flow?

i'm trying to go with the flow... but it's hard and feels weird and uncomfortable... i'm staying pretty neutral for the most part. i'm not fighting it, and i don't know what to do to help it along, so i'm just letting things be and trying to not think about them too much and letting things happen.

AliasForAFew wrote:Try some meditation, perhaps.

never done mediation before. well i've tried... with cassandra in group therapy... i usually couldn't sit still for that long or i'd get distracted or bored or something...

AliasForAFew wrote:Develop your inner world as you see fit.

i dunno how to do that...

AliasForAFew wrote:As said a moment ago, you don't have to like this but do try to adjust? To at least feel more comfortable with it. Perhaps write down notes of what you know when you know them before it changes and make a note of the closest age you feel by it?

i could try. i dunno what the notes would be about exactly as far as what to write down and stuff... i think i could try just trying to make notes of what age i feel closest to maybe.

AliasForAFew wrote:I am sorry that this event is cause for distress but never fear for there are those here who care for you and want to help. Try and remember that you are not truly alone even if it seems that way. Feel free to contact us through phone or email if you want or need to.

Offers of safe hugs and warm wishes,
Vernadael Teiryn

thank you...

i know i'm not truly alone but it feels so lonely when you're used to hearing others all the time or sensing them or them being out or up front with you and stuff... it helps now that i can sense blank and sorta sense shay, ray, and prism.

*safe hugs and warm wishes appreciated*




- cassie (age ?)

i heard that cassandra and others came out today (not for long, though), but it's back to how switches used to be, and we can't seem to co-host or be co-conscious. and i can only sense blank, ray, shay, and prism, and when i'm out i'm still out alone, but i guess this is progress kinda...


- cassie (age ?)

i can sense keith now! he's really really far away, further than ray, shay, and prism, and blank's the closest i can sense but she's still kinda far away too, but at least i can sorta sense them now.

- cassie (age ?)

michiru7422 wrote:Have you seen this thread? http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic108334.html#p1072952

It sounds like you have some communication with Hawk these days and now maybe with Maiingan! (And Shay and Ray and Blank and Prism.) Maybe things won't go back to the way they were, but with time, with experience, they will continue to get better.

No matter what, though, you certainly don't have to like the current state of affairs. I am glad that you feel safe enough to post here and get your frustration out into the open where you can start to deal with it.

just started catching up on threads too. I agree with the above as well. You have been through so much turmoil and it sounds like your system is readjusting to handle things better for you. Hopefully, a sign of growth and greater awareness.

michiru7422 wrote:Have you seen this thread? http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic108334.html#p1072952 Although things won't go back to the way they were, you could probably leave things to Shay or Ray or Prism if you wanted to. But even with being host, that doesn't mean you have to grow up.

for some reason this reply didn't show up at first and wouldn't let me quote it at first.

i have seen that thread... i don't want to be host though...

but i am growing up! or at least at times i am... i'm bouncing up and down with feeling older and then younger and all in between...

and i can't leave things up to shay, ray, or prism... i can only sense them, and they seem to rarely be able to really come out... most of the time it's just me out alone...

michiru7422 wrote:The following is based on what I have read of your system's posts, so I don't make any claims of validity here. I don't really know. But it seems to me that this happened because there was a lot of stress in your system, and everyone thought that a change was needed to deal with it. Everything all got to be too much for Cassandra (and pretty conflictual too). From what I've read, they didn't want to put this kind of responsibility on you, but they were sort of constrained in who they could put it on because lots of people were needed to manage things on the inside. And you were showing yourself to be responsible and capable of so much. They thought that you could handle it. And I'd bet that what you provide for the system is what they think the system needs right now.

but why me? i don't want this... and i don't like it...

michiru7422 wrote:It sounds like you have some communication with Hawk these days and now maybe with Maiingan! (And Shay and Ray and Blank and Prism.) Maybe things won't go back to the way they were, but with time, with experience, they will continue to get better.

i know eventually things should get better... but i just wish they hadn't changed to begin with.. at least not this way.. i don't wanna be host!.. and why me? why now? why host? am i even becoming host or is this just something else? i don't even know.

michiru7422 wrote:No matter what, though, you certainly don't have to like the current state of affairs. I am glad that you feel safe enough to post here and get your frustration out into the open where you can start to deal with it.

thank you... i'm glad i can post here too.


- cassie (age ?)

Luvmycats wrote:just started catching up on threads too. I agree with the above as well. You have been through so much turmoil and it sounds like your system is readjusting to handle things better for you. Hopefully, a sign of growth and greater awareness.

maybe... but i don't like it... and why couldn't it readjust some other way?


- cassie (age ?)

i can sense dallas now! and i saw him today inside! he's not here anymore, and he's very, very far away, but at least i can sense him now!

so now i can sense dallas, blank, shay, ray, prism, and keith. keith is the farthest away, then dallas, then ray, shay, and prism are all about the same level, and then blank is the closest. sometimes prism and shay are the same level as blank or closer, but not often. and sometimes ray is closer too but not often.

i feel somewhere between 13-17 today for the most part. it's weird...


- cassie (age ?)

I am glad that things seem to be progressing, Cassie!
I do hope that it continues at this decent rate. Have you tried looking inside and fiddling about yet? "Developing your inner world" as it has been said? You have said that you don't know how to do this... Perhaps put on some music for a little while and go for a calm walk and try that way? Look into yourself as you seem to be able to do, at least somewhat, and try some things out.
I do apologize at my lack of solid advice for this.

Wishing you the best,
Vernadael Teiryn

I hope you're feeling better, dear!

~Maria

AliasForAFew wrote:I am glad that things seem to be progressing, Cassie!
I do hope that it continues at this decent rate. Have you tried looking inside and fiddling about yet? "Developing your inner world" as it has been said? You have said that you don't know how to do this... Perhaps put on some music for a little while and go for a calm walk and try that way? Look into yourself as you seem to be able to do, at least somewhat, and try some things out.
I do apologize at my lack of solid advice for this.

Wishing you the best,
Vernadael Teiryn

I hope you're feeling better, dear!

~Maria

thank you!

i hope it continues too!

i haven't because of my back and ribs hurting and then i got sick. but i feel better today and just might try that! i know the others walk and listen to music and used to do it a lot.

you don't have to apologize, it's ok. advice is still advice!


thank you maria! i am feeling a bit better! mainly now it's the cough from the cold that hurts because it hurts the ribs but other than that i feel ok (aside from my back hurting but that's like, all the time now).


- cassie (age ?)

It sounds like things are beginning to stabilise a bit more? And that you are slowly starting to be able to sense everyone else too. Yay for progress!

Mostly what I meant about the thread is that when you end up as host, it's not usually something you choose. And it's not usually a job anyone wants either. You just get chosen for it ' cause you are judged to be the person that's best for the job. I don't mean to say that you're becoming host ' cause I don't know.

Do you have any idea why you're age-sliding? Does it change with different things that you do?

My guess as for why it's you? Cassandra needed a break from being host. She and everyone else trusted you to do a good job of it while she couldn't. You helped out at the daycare, and you showed that you could protect yourself (and teach all the other littles to protect themselves) from Walk_Alone. You were constantly surprising everyone with how much you could do, your courage, your willingness to help, etc. In short, you're an awesome person, and they thought that you were best for the job. I'd consider being asked to do this to be a compliment, to be honest, even though it's not a fun thing or something you wanted to do (even though it feels like a curse).

My guess is that once things start to get fixed inside that others will start to come out again and then they can help you out a bit more, explain what's going on, etc. In the meantime, good luck, and keep on trucking!