Staying In The Saddle *possible triggers*

I need help.
I can't trust my own mind and I feel like I'm drowning inside, I know one of the other alters thinks I've served my purpose and I should just sleep forever.
I don't want to die.

I just want a damn coherent thought. I want not to be a puppet. If they're going to take over for the love of everything PLEASE just let me black out----don't make this out to be a scene from invasion of the body snatchers. Don't leave me there paralyzed while you do whatever it is you're going to do.

I know *I* shouldn't be doing/say/feeling/thinking/wanting any of this, and yet you make me and I can't imagine life before or beyond what you desire in this moment.
But yet I can't fight you, parasites, and here goes the ride through hell again. Stuck in the background, fighting so hard to hold onto me and my sense of self before it all becomes to late and we're all on the that ride straight into the chaos of the void. Before someone else makes me feel things I don't want to.

As time goes on I lose my sense of me....who is the intruder and who the host I wonder? Are these thoughts my own or yours?

I just want to study and have goals.
To have lovers and relationships.
To have 'me'----a body I recognize and want.
Thought patterns. Coherence.

But you all get in the way.
Is this me? What me is this?

I don't talk like this. I don't think. Gods my head hurts.

Wonder what will trigger me next...what sound, what person, what words....

There's gotta be a way off this infernal ride.

There is no intruder.

All parts, hosts, alters, "others", etc., everyone inside that body is a part of the same person. You are all parts of the same person. They are a part of you, and you are a part of them. None are intruders. All belong where they are. You are like a puzzle. You and any others inside are all puzzle pieces to the same puzzle, and when all together, you create a whole picture.

These threads might be helpful to you:

-- This thread contains DID resource websites and organized threads from this site that discuss symptoms, common questions, dissociative experiences, discovery experiences, communicating with alters, doubt/denial issues, and much more:
- DDNOS/DID Resources: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html


-- This thread focuses on the "causes" of DID, the development of DID, switching/co-consciousness/co-hosting, doubt/denial issues, and has a couple good threads on communicating/accepting/understanding/working with alters:
- For all who question how they have DID/think their's is odd: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104081.html


Other than that, hello and welcome to this safe, supportive and understanding place. We hope it's helpful to you! You are not alone in your struggles, experiences, feelings, thoughts, or worries!


~A mixture of us(?)

I can understand how this can feel, and how frustrating it can be, but I agree with tomboy. You are all part of 'you', and none of you are intruders. It can be difficult to accept sometimes, but acceptance helps.

Hope you start feeling better soon

Thanks all,

I *know* (well for now) that we're all 'me' as it were---this body and life that no one feels particularly attached to. I'm just tired of the chaos and being able to feel them. I want to progress and the though of never achieving anything because I can't escape the war within this skull scares me.
I don't care what the others do---I'll do it with them so long as we all agree to do something.

Its just scary that at any moment everything I thought I was/am or was attached to or loved is all gone and nothing looks the same anymore.

not
supposed
to
escape.

supposed
to
work
through.

process.

get
help.

and
heal.

when
working
through
things
and
healing
things
will
get
better.

only
way
for
things
to
get
better
is
to
help
yourself
and
find
help
if
needed
and
heal.


redfeather
not
alone
in
struggling.

here
thread
about
struggling
that
redfeather
might
identify
with
a
bit.

careful-
maybe
kinda
triggery.

http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic105672.html


shay
has
found
resource
thread
helpful
in
learning
more
and
understanding
more
and
learning
ways
to
help
make
things
bit
better.

hope
it
helpful
to
you
(it
posted
in
first
reply).




~s
h
a
y~

Thanks Shay.

We're just scared and confused. Don't know where it ends and starts.
Going to see the lion tomorrow, hoping he can show me where the light is.
But it never ends well as he doesn't love us anymore and some of us can't deal with that.
Maybe just for a little while, maybe we can make believe.

I'm just tired and heavy. Some of us want to go away forever. Scares me.
Don't want to die. Don't want nothingness.

Chaos reigns.

no
storm
last
forever.

always
eventually
sun
break
through
clouds.

just
have
to
hang
on
sometimes
till
then.




~s
h
a
y~