New to dissociative matters

I'm new to this realm of psychology and have some questions before I try to push on this matter out in real world.

First, I'm only posting to this forum after seeing a back and forth on the amnesia forum http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-amnesia/topic90910.html that involved the site admin himself recommending the person come here, because there were a few creepy similarities between myself and that person's story.

Until this current therapist I had never heard the word "dissociative" regarding myself, but in the psychologists before him I had many times heard the phrase 'well when you are in that altered state of mind anything that happens in there you will not be able to remember clearly once out of it" And now from research I find they were discussing a dissociative reaction, but they just choose to never name it in my presence.

See when i'm under stress, a cop comes near me, near a doctor or any health care professional really, in therapy sessions, and... well other places I won't mention right now, i have major problems remembering anything but feelings. I remember screaming, pain, and humiliation, but very few facts or details. Even I know this is some form of mental problem and I live it and it feels VERY real.

So... since new therapist last week tells me in email that my amnesia is dissociation not depression... and now i come here and i see others describing the very tactics I use to remember things (habit of putting things in the same place, memory loses, memory issues remembering talking with someone the next day, etc.) and the fact I already know i was abused and beaten as a child by alcoholic parents...

I only have two memories of abuse as a child, and one of those was a flashback in therapy with last psychologist where he basically went BSOD on me and just stared off into space lost for the rest of the session and refused to let me speak of it again in future sessions... PTSD treatment on this stuff has proven pointless, because i can't remember the events OF the pain source.

When i'm stressed in just the right way, my triggers, I can... if i wasn't here at this forum i'd never say this outloud out of fear of being imprisoned but... *trigger warning* one time i was before a judge decades ago, he was screaming and ranting how bad a person i was, how big a humiliation to the military, how i deserved life imprisonment, etc. I remember him walking back and forth before me just going and going about how bad i was... later, as the guards lead me out... nice guys, their unit was trying like hell to help me, they told me i stood there, stiff as a board, shaking so violently it looked like i was near convulsing. I have no memories of this. What i remember... is being someone else looking at this, seeing it happen to someone else.

Now I find out that is symptomatic of dissociation episodes.

BTW, I was in front of that judge because I had had a spot on my dress whites and the head of my class division ordered me to a firing squad for treason for standing at attention before the american flag in his office. I never said the guy was sane. He was just my superior officer. Luckily the command found his order unlawful... but i quietly curled up in a ball and shutdown, for which i was found to be a traitor, so began a very very long period of my life of nightmares, cold sweats, prison time, and a lot of time hiding.

Whenever I experience... something bad, i've been told I Jekle and Hyde. One moment i'm talking suicide and pain... and the next i'm laughing and telling jokes like nothing happened. These events last psychologist would freak out and pointing frantically "see! that is pain repression!" Not like he did anything about it or helped, but...

When friends online try to talk with me and they hit one of my triggers trying to help me... i become aggressively "I need to die, i'm worthless, and worthless people all need to die", how i can't do it it is impossible for retards to do that, etc etc etc. Professionals become very aggressive and hateful once i trigger one of these OR they just throw me out of their office screaming "get over it". Of course since i'm not allowed witnesses or recording of these sessions, i have no idea what really happened so...

So, to those of you who do experience this, does any of this sound like DID?

If I'm in the wrong place/forum, i'd like to know >_>

I think this very much sounds like it could be DID, time loss and the feeling of watching yourself especially, and is definitely a possibility that you could look into.

remusmdh wrote: Professionals become very aggressive and hateful once i trigger one of these OR they just throw me out of their office screaming "get over it".

I'm sorry that you seem to have had such terrible luck with this. I do hope that things improve for you soon.

Gerudo7 wrote:I think this very much sounds like it could be DID, time loss and the feeling of watching yourself especially, and is definitely a possibility that you could look into.

remusmdh wrote: Professionals become very aggressive and hateful once i trigger one of these OR they just throw me out of their office screaming "get over it".

I'm sorry that you seem to have had such terrible luck with this. I do hope that things improve for you soon.

Thank you.

Actually, since I have had the exact same sort of experiences again and again in therapy, this isn't bad luck, this is symptomatic of a systemic failure within the system. Regardless of my other problems causing complications, it is the professionals willfully refusing to deal WITH those layered problems causing their failures to help me. This is what happens when you are poor and until we stop having a two tier system of medical treatment for those that have money and those that don't... this will continue. *shrugs* ramble rant ramble. Apologies. Just after twenty-six years... it is annoying >.<

What we would suggest is checking out these two threads, seeing if you identify with any symptoms, experiences, feelings, thoughts, etc., and then if you do, you should consider looking into the possibility of DID further.

-- This thread contains DID resource websites along with organized threads from this site that discuss discovery experiences, symptoms, common questions, communication with alters, dissociative experiences, and much more:
- DID/DDNOS Resources: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html


-- This thread focuses on the "causes" of DID, the development of DID, switching/co-consciousness/co-hosting, doubt/denial issues, and has a couple good threads on communicating/accepting/working with alters:
- For all who questions how they have DID/think their's is weird: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104081.html


Other than that, hello and welcome! We hope this place is helpful to you.


~A mixture of us(?)

tomboy24 wrote:What we would suggest is checking out these two threads, seeing if you identify with any symptoms, experiences, feelings, thoughts, etc., and then if you do, you should consider looking into the possibility of DID further.

-- This thread contains DID resource websites along with organized threads from this site that discuss discovery experiences, symptoms, common questions, communication with alters, dissociative experiences, and much more:
- DID/DDNOS Resources: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html


-- This thread focuses on the "causes" of DID, the development of DID, switching/co-consciousness/co-hosting, doubt/denial issues, and has a couple good threads on communicating/accepting/working with alters:
- For all who questions how they have DID/think their's is weird: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104081.html


Other than that, hello and welcome! We hope this place is helpful to you.


~A mixture of us(?)

Thank you.

Since I did something fun yesterday, writing brainstorming, for over five hours, I'm not feeling all that good today, so i'm not sure when I'll get to reading all this nor if in a few days i'll even remember this thread (not uncommon when I find something as I go into a mood drop), so... but thank you. Though I doubt I have true DID, it appears I do have some sort of dissociative symptoms. But since I can't communicate this stuff to my psychiatrist, reading up on symptoms... well I'd hate to self-diagnose myself into a corner >_>

You sound like one of us. You are not alone. This is a good place to be.

A major dissociative disorder that is not diagnosed will interfere with therapy for other problems you may have, so it would be helpful for you to get a professional assessment by someone who is trained to diagnose dissociative disorders. With diagnosis you stand a far better chance to get appropriate treatment, and appropriate treatment is very effective.

It sounds like you have been dealing with therapist who have big problems of their own. Dissociative clients have a way of destabilizing their therapists. I triggered altered mental states in several of the therapists I interviewed.

Hang in there!

After rereading your post, we think it would be best if you stuck around here. The possibility of DID is definitely there for you, and we think it seems like you're headed in a right direction by looking in dissociative disorders/DID. You definitely seem to have dissociative symptoms from what we've read at the very least.

We agree with Una+. Dissociative disorders/symptoms that are not treated or diagnosed will interfere with therapy, and you may end up being misdiagnosed and treated in a way that's not helpful to you if these things aren't paid attention to.

We hope you try to remember this thread and looking through the threads we gave you. Perhaps write yourself a note somewhere to help remember? We write notes all the time, on paper, on our phone, to help us remember things.

Hope you feel better soon.


~A mixture of us(?)

Thank you, Tomboy24 and Una+.

Sadly I do not have the resources for psychiatric testing and since most psychology people do not even take insurance to start with... and since state psychiatric services do not provide any testing for psychiatric conditions (tried that route before, they just told me testing was my problem not theirs)...

And I just found out the "holistic" idea psychiatrist has been having me try out with samples costs waaayyyy more than I can afford, I'll be coming off these metabolized folic acid pills too. Well at least there should be no side effects coming of folic acid >_>

*Trigger warning*

Since I can't tell professionals about this without the damned cops being called in to arrest and imprison me (been through this twice already), right this moment i'm experiencing this issue where I can't stop thinking about how homo retarded I am and how badly I need to die, because i'm just a disease and burden on society. I've had enough doctors, judges, cops, friends, and social workers scream this in my face through the years so... but anyways... is there an aspect of DID where a person can't stop the voices in their head from screaming at them and causing physical pain?

I'm weak on DID research, but most of what I know is in the area of split personalities, which in a partial personality split... could produce one "voice" yelling at the others trying to cause the death of the whole. But... my research on this is very very old and weak (like thirty years old).

I just do not have the mental faculties to communicate with professionals, get bizzaro "diagnosis" conflicts, get told to take pills that cause me severe pain, hallucinations, and sleeping 10-20hrs a day, so... frankly i'm scared to even go try again IF I can find the money to try psychiatry again.

I already know my local MHMRA (who I have called and talked to recently and worked with eight years ago) does not take anything but severe depression cases (read, attempted suicide), so... I'm not even sure what to try. Medicare and medicaid do not provide serious services for these matters as well... everyone I have ever been to in the psychology field in twenty-six years did not once take insurance, so... I strongly doubt they'll take medicare anyways.

I just know i'm close to blowing my head off as hope slowly leeches out of my life and every day things become harder and harder to do. *shrugs* I'm tired of being told I how it is all my fault, i'm a loser, worthless, and if i want to kill myself, just go do it.

I have no friends left IRL, as none of them could stand being around someone "down all the time" so, help from others is not an option. Family just hangs up the phone or walks out of the house and disappears for a few days when I bring these things up, so that is not an option either.

-- Thu Jan 24, 2013 2:01 pm --

Una+ wrote:It sounds like you have been dealing with therapist who have big problems of their own. Dissociative clients have a way of destabilizing their therapists. I triggered altered mental states in several of the therapists I interviewed.

Hang in there!

This point is interesting to me, because I have suicide crisis lines, psychologists, and therapists and even state case workers freaking the ###$ out whenever I start trying to tell them how I really feel, and when I can't provide them their textbook answers... then they really get mad. I just have to wonder if a DID might be the cause? Not like I can find out, not with my severe communication issues when around others and becoming too terrified to do more than tell them whatever it takes so they stop screaming and hurting me.

You've just given me food for thought, that's all.

Yup, it sounds like when you start to open up your dissociated states are triggering these other people's dysfunctional ego states. Some people, even professionals who should know better, cope by stuffing their problematic ego states down inside somewhere, locking them up rather than accepting and healing them. In most interpersonal interactions these ego states remain stuffed, but dissociative clients are famous for activating other people's ego states.

There are several good books on self care for people who have DID. Here are some of them:

The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook by Deborah Bray Haddock. I have read this one and it did a good job of covering the basic issues. It seemed like a good book for people who have just become aware that they may be a multiple.

Got Parts? An Insider's Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder by A.T.W. I have flipped through someone else's copy of this and it looked really interesting.

Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder by Tracy Alderman.

Una+ wrote:Yup, it sounds like when you start to open up your dissociated states are triggering these other people's dysfunctional ego states. Some people, even professionals who should know better, cope by stuffing their problematic ego states down inside somewhere, locking them up rather than accepting and healing them. In most interpersonal interactions these ego states remain stuffed, but dissociative clients are famous for activating other people's ego states.

You are not making me feel better, ahahahaha, but are describing what I experience pretty well @_@

There are several good books on self care for people who have DID. Here are some of them:

The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook by Deborah Bray Haddock. I have read this one and it did a good job of covering the basic issues. It seemed like a good book for people who have just become aware that they may be a multiple.

Got Parts? An Insider's Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder by A.T.W. I have flipped through someone else's copy of this and it looked really interesting.

Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder by Tracy Alderman.

Though thank you for the places to look, one, affording them will give me issues, but also... I'm really really retarded when it comes to new things. My autism makes me go into panic attacks with new things and self-help books make me want to kill myself because all they do is make me feel retarded, stupid, and too worthless to live, because I can't understand what they want me to do, how i'm supposed to feel, etc. Of this is also why I was beaten in school, too stupid to learn new things. I failed a lot of classes >_>

Now you have to realize something, ya know those questionnaires psychologist's and psychiatrist's offices want ya to fill-out? I can't. i go into massive panic attacks, don't understand 90% of the questions, and if I ask for help i get yelled at for how easy they are "anyone can do them". To date I think my best was twenty out of four hundred at my psychiatrist's office and that was with an autism advocate helping me >_>