Loved one with cyclothymia

Hi You guys!
Saaristonlapsi and Baby Girl I've been keeping up (in reading only) w/ you but since my job started I've been frantically busy. Sorry for the absence. To Apple Tree, all I can say is there is a lot of wisdom here and I've found it to be a good resource. My BF is cyclothymia (or atleast thats the closest thing I can figure since he hasn't been tested). What has worked for me recently when he's completely rude and unreasonable is to either ignore him until it wears off or if he's getting personal, I've stood my ground and stated that I'm not going to have any type of verbal abuse, and usually I leave (get out of the house). I cannot say this ever brings resolution. But it seems to change the dynamic positively. Trying to figure out what his triggers are also helps when I can avoid them (though sometimes it appears I am the trigger, so in those times I avoid him). Also as you probably already know and have heard, these are really difficult relationships to be in. And I certainly question if its worth it, various times in my relationship. But like BabyGirl said it is an illness and that gives me loads of compassion-not taking it personal is also really great but kinda hard to do when he's snapping at me for no reason and then ignoring me. By the way, I've taken a bit of control w/ the driving...IF I can tell he might be edgy, I grab the keys. I also consider things like how recent he's exercised and if he's his diet is off (meaning junk food, gluten and wheat products, much sugar, etc)...How long have you two been together? Any ideas on his history meaning how long he's been like this? Do you have anyone to talk to that has known him for a long time? PS what scores are you guys talking about? Mantramax

-- Thu Sep 08, 2011 2:37 am --

"Like when someone asks me a question, my first thought is not what's the truth or the right answer. My first thought is what does the person want to hear." Another PS, Saaristolapsi, this got my attention because its the exact opposite of me. I sometimes wish I could anticipate what they want to hear. Nope instead I go right for honesty. As you can imagine, this makes me sometimes rather unpopular.

Hi everyone, thanks for all your advice. It's nice to talk to people. Mantramax: We have been together over a year now and it's getting to the stage of talking about living together. I would love to move our relationship on and live with him, but I am, for good reason, very anxious about living with him/his moods. Plus we live very different lives/time scales. I have a 9'5, whereas he is a musician, so it's late nights and lie ins. He said he's always been hyperactive and had extreme mood swings, but it's the last 3ish years that its been at its worst. Since the decline of his previous six year relationship and a stressful career change. He was diagnosed a few years ago and did begin to see someone about it, but then stopped (apparently when we got together). He thinks that talking about it/seeing someone can't help him, but I don't think he's ever really tried it for long enough or found the right person to talk to. I think he may be scared, as he had some dark things/times in his childhood and is worried about opening a can of worms. We have some mutual friends and I used to live with his school friend (that's how we met). I don't want to talk to them much about it though, as I feel I would be going behind his back and he may feel betrayed. Although I call them if he's gone completely off the rails. How long have you been with your partner? I am pretty understanding and always try to diffuse the situation. I appreciate that it's an illness, which will never go away, but I also know my boyfriend does nothing to help it. He says he wants a happier more balanced life and to make me happy, but he basically does everything that could possibly make it worse. Not exercise, combats bad moods/boredom with alcohol, not eat well, bottles up his fears and emotions, etc. I really believe that seeing someone would help him and maybe going on mood stabilisers, but every time I mention it he does want to talk about it. If he's in a good mood, I don't want to bring it up as it will put him in a bad mood. The only time he says anything is when he's really drunk/depressed. He says he knows and wants help, he needs to be saved/controlled, etc. How could I convince him to see someone or make positive steps to change?

Hello to Everyone,
AppleTree it sounds like you're in a good place in terms of being realistic but compassionate with your BF. Its good that he acknowledges it too. I don't particularly think you can convince him to take action-although it would be very nice. Perhaps your power comes from simply refusing to go any farther in the relationship until he takes action to help himself. Just like Saaristolapsi and Babygirl said take care of yourself first..and most certainly something good will follow.
My situation is the same and different. I did not know or suspect anything was wrong until after he moved in w/ me. We have been together 2 yrs and I just recently (4-5 months ago) came to think maybe what happens is because of a mood disorder. Fortunately he has a great diet, doesn’t drink alcohol or caffeine, no drugs, and exercises a lot. This must control it somewhat. Regardless , he’s essentially not taking any other responsibility and its definitely hurting our relationship. There are other issues that compound this one but if he would attend to at least one of them, I would feel hopeful. The thing that has empowered me the most since I gave what happens very regularly in our relationship, the name, cyclothymia, is to tell him his tactics aren’t working on me. If he continues in this way, I walk out. This is usually after a blowout where something from out of nowhere seems to be on the verge of destroying our relationship. Sometimes he will try to blame me for everything but really what I think he’s doing is projecting his faults on me. You must be wondering why I am in this relationship. When he’s not suffering from a mood disorder, he is my best friend. He’s a great listener, caring, attentive, smart and fun. Anyway, that’s my story. Please keep reading and writing if it helps me. I felt enormous relief when I found this site.

Mantramax wrote:"Like when someone asks me a question, my first thought is not what's the truth or the right answer. My first thought is what does the person want to hear." Another PS, Saaristolapsi, this got my attention because its the exact opposite of me. I sometimes wish I could anticipate what they want to hear. Nope instead I go right for honesty. As you can imagine, this makes me sometimes rather unpopular.

I wish I could be honest. I think it must have something to do with the fact that I'm always desperate for people to like me. So therefore, whenever they ask a question, I want to answer in a way that pleases them most.

Of course, you can imagine that this does not always work well with someone with cyclothymia. Because when the mood is bad, nothing will make them happy, so therefore I get highly anxious over something that I can't help. No wonder I've fallen into depression myself!

Hi-

My story is that with a very sad ending. I have been deeply involved and deeply in love with someone who suffers from Cyclothymia. We were great friends for about four years before we decided to take it to the next level. I educated myself as best I could through forums like this one and reading medical journals on the illness. Things in the beginning were absolutely great and we seemed destined for a life together.

During the past two months things started to change. It became a push-pull type relationship. Then the depression came and she pushed me even further. Since we don't actually live together, our dates and time together became less and less frequent. It got to the point where the last month we have spent one Saturday afternoon together. We do have lunch together on a regular basis and talk on the phone daily. She has two children so I took that into consideration and the depression. On several occasions I asked her if she felt that the relationship had run it's course to just tell me and that I would understand and we could move on. She repeatidly told me that she loved me and didn't want our relationship to end.

On Sunday, September 11th, yes I know what a day. I ended my relationship with her because I felt that I could not handle the relationship any longer. I told her that I realized how over extended she was with everything in her life and that I just could not add anymore stress to it. Her response was that she simply couldn't process the breakup at the time. It has broken my heart because I love her with all my heart but feel like at this point she is incapable of love and probably cannot be there on an emotional level. I may seem selfish for feeling this way, but I felt like I myself was losing my mind with having no other options.

The next few months are going to be especially difficult. Because of our professions we cross paths on a regular basis and sometimes talk daily on a professional level. There are going to be times that we will run into eachother during a business setting.

Despite my feelings and sincere love for her, I firmly believe that we cannot go back now and try at this relationship again. The pushing me away has devastated me more than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I don't even know if she even loves me at this point?

so it looks like ive missed a bit in the last week of not being on. ive been bizzy with work sorry.

saaristonlapsi

im very sorry for your wife that that happen in a time time that it must of been extreamlly horrible that that happen around the time of her being pregnant. specially with all those extra emotions. and then the grandfarther never getting to meet your son.

mantramax

some one like use that is (cyclothymic) obviusly we do need some one careing for us that is extra tolorent with our horrible mood shifts and tantrums. other wise no one would love us. mu hubby hes extra kind hes a very soft person he dosnt like confrontation or arguing so he just lets evry thing slid well the petty stuff any way lol. he really dose make my situation much better. if i was with some one else it would be a nightmear and blood over the walls they wouldnt really understand even though people say they do. but on here to i really feel like people understand. because were all going through somthing simular.

appltree

have yous thought of or descused maby just seeing the doctor and if he dosnt already know tell him that your partner is cyclothymic and maby get him to put him on mood stabilizers with out having to see a cancellar at this stadge and see how that gose. he might feel comfertrable doing it that way and then in a few months after theres an improvment on his moods intrudouce him into cancelling maby if he wasnt when his minds much clearer from the mood stabilizers. i did it that way at the start. started with meds then the rest came along. but now i just see my gp and my pdoc but they both do meds. i gave up the phycologist after 20 sesions over 10 months. i still have 2 sesions left the doc thinks i should go but i said theres no point. some times we dont think straight or make the right decisions and say horrible nasty things when were in a state. but i know you understand thats not us when were like that

mantramax

blaiming and remembering it. say things are all up in ther air with arguing or disagreeing or what ever i find after things are settled down hubby will mention somthing i said or why it all started that i started it. i will swear black and blue i didnt and i dont remember. all because in my mind all i remember it my version or how it started and that it was and emotionl thing that thats how it started. but the other side dont see it like that because there normal they dont see the emotion side we see. its an emotional mood disorder. dont worry i do it to your partners not the only one.i now it musnt be easy for all your that have to put up with us.

temevas1

im sorry thing didnt go so well for you. hopfully things start looking up for you. maby her distancing her self from you. we some of use come with trats of ocd and anxiety i know i do and been diognosed as well. i dont get ocd wear ill wash my hands ill get it wear its down to routin so like when i get home from work this has to be done that hase to be done and it has to be done by this time because i have to go to bed at this time other wise i can get really emotional and up set and then get really snappy. now to deal with being cyclothymia and mild ocd and gad anxiety it is a lot every day to deal with. so having all that in your day and your usal daily work and chorse it is far from easiy its a truggle to cop every day.and some times we dont even now we have hit rock bottom because we try to just keep going because its easier to deal with. im not saying this was ya ex misses but she just may have mild ocd as well. witch can keep us away from the ones we love the most its the way the illness works dont ask me way just is. but ive found and lernt from my theripist that routin is the key form me. when my routin changes i get depressed for a few days. and i mean like going some were for the weekend like staying with family and that will throw me right out with my moods. maby it could be somthing like this why she needing her own space. or maby its compleatly somthing else.

oh mam i had such a bad day yesterday i had rediculas symtoms all day that were emotional. and now am left with anxiety and shacky hands and a tremer through my body full of adrenilen. but i will tell u all about it when i get the chance to my friends. i thought i was gonna get stuck in a ditch again maby its the weather i dont now this happen same time last year.

Oh no Babygirl!! Those symptoms sound terrifying! Long time no type! Missed you all!! What are
You doing differently with ur meds? Is this a normal side effect? Have you contacted your doctor? When you say you're in a ditch.... Like as in you're driving a car? Tell us later when you get a chance!! I'll be praying for you!

Babygirl, hang in there... You said it happened the same time last year - do you have seasonal variation in your moods? I probably do, and winter always hits me really hard... Or is it more about the realization that Christmas, and other holidays are coming up, so you get anxious about things you have to do?

i think the weather dose have some thing to do with it. im more better in winter. i hate the sun and sweat on my body it makes me up set and panic attacks and feel sick in direct sun. it makes me more iretable than usal. nar not really anxiuse about events comming up. my meds are the same. this is a side affect that started last year and bloow way out of porportion my doing but at the time i wasnt in the right state of mind i was on a bender and happen same time last year and lasted for about 8 weeks. that i was really deprest like i didnt want to be here. ditch i mean as in falling in to depressed mode.

ok ill tell you now what happen and that way you might make more sense of what im saying its hard to explain.but this time last year i stoped talking to the inlaws i understand it more now cos it was happening again last week so it must be symtoms and i react in rong. so i know and im understanding it is me its not others cos im the one with the illness but its a drainer at the same time. this what happen last week that pushed me over the edge and made my blood run hot and high on adrenilen. husband accidently left his face book accound on at his parents. so when sister inlaaw went the the next day she went to log on to face book and realised her brother hadnt loged off. so what did she do wrote on his wall that ( i have the bestes sister in the whole world who i love very very much. now there was more said after that. we all got on and had a bit to say. i was so pissed because here i am knowing how much of a sticky nose she is and that she would of been going through privet messages the me and my hubby would of wote to each other. so i went through really pissed stage then to adrenilen and wort $#%^ back cos i was in over drive. then to the really upset emotional stadge then back to normal.and then when i hit back to reality i could see how silly and stupit i was with what i wrote back and was ashamed but at the time when your shifting throught thoughs mood shiftts with in 2 hours its difficalt. and as well as the parenia with it. so at the time i was real pissed and how dear she what right did she have to do that. and then when i come back to reality its like well he left his accoundt open. i should of just shut my mouth. most of the time im fine a lot of silly little things pass over me cos the mood stabilizers most of the time keep me balanced lol. and because of all of this i thought i was falling again into deep depression and i got worried cos i thought oh no not again im just starting to come good from last years eppisode. and picking up more hours with work. so cos i noticed symtomes i now a little later than usel but at least i got on top of them be4 it turned in to a storm. so i rang mother inlaw and the sister inlaw was still there. i asked my mother inlaw if she new what had happen she shaid brieafly. and asked if i wanded to talk to the sister inlaw i said no ill just talk to you. i told her i was on a downer and not in a good mood. and i explaind why i said what i said and that i cant help it when i get like that and it upsets me later when i see what ive done and i did cry on the phone from being so emotional. she said dont get up set we thought thats what might of been happening. even though they will never understand but at least there coming half way and trying to understand and when there like that its easier for me to open up and say sorry.so when this was all happening with all theres feelings and strong emotions flying every where it scared me thinking oh no not again my body and mind cant cope with this again. but cos i rang and sorted it out so it didnt spiral out of control i did the right and appolagised. but when it was happening the hole face book thing i have said this to any one oh but hubby cos they wouldnt understand they would just think its jeoulesy. at that time and pint it may be but after i have no reason to be jeoules of hubbys sister. im not farmilar with jeoulosy its not usaly me. but i think because this mood disorder gets reall srong ive got new emotions coming in to it. i was feeling jeoulus co it felt like it was a compitision who my hubby loved more it felt like they were playing me agains her. and that hert at the time. and i felt real stupid after it all cos i could see how silly spitfull and horribule i was. and i now that not me. its like this hole different person came out for 2 hours and then went back in. any way i hope your getting my writting lol and dont get lost of the trak of reading my problems. i know i can talk for way to long but i dont now how to explain it shorter.