Loved one with cyclothymia

I think it's great that you apologized. I mean, so many times I feel if my wife would just say "Sorry, I'm just not feeling well", it would not bother me so much. But when she doesn't, I let things get to me, and they start eating me up inside.

But having said that, I'm afraid it wouldn't work. Why? Because I wouldn't trust her. I hate to use the dog analogy, but it just seems so fitting. I mean, if you keep kicking a dog, and then one time say "Oh I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well", and you pet the dog, do you think the dog will immediately come to you? Probably not.

Also, when you write it, it totally makes sense, like you say "another person comes out for two hours." But I think I have a much easier time understanding you, and every other cyclothymic in this board. Why? Because there is no way it affects me, there is no way in my mind I can make it my fault that your sister-in-law was looking around in FB. Yet, with my wife, I can always make it my fault.

I sometimes wonder whether my low self esteem is the result of my wife's cyclothymia, or maybe it was always there, but now I've just become more aware of it. Regardless, nobody said it was going to be easy.

So like I've said about taking care of yourself first, before taking care of a loved one. Truer than ever.

saaristonlapsi

you make me laugh. i knew you would understand because your put in the same spot from your wife. so me and your wife probably have a lot in commen. although i do own up to excepting that i was rong and in the rong and even though i have an illness and i cant help it but at the same time theres no excusse to do that to people i understand that because one day they wont always be there. its hard though when in that state. if only when like that at the time i could slap my self in the head and say pull up. i dont act like that all the time because the meds keep me balanced. but every now and then when i have an out brake it scares me and reminds me of how things were with out the medication.im in a better state now. it passed over. dose your wife behave a bit like that what i wrote in my last message.

I think she can feel embarrassed sometimes afterwards, but she has a hard time either realizing it herself, or admitting it to me or others.

She's been on medication to control her hormones, and unless it's just a coincidence, she was much better. Was. Because now she stopped taking the medication, because "it made her feel sick". So instead of feeling queasy, now she's had the mood swings again. I've seen both extremes in the past week. And she doesn't want to go back to the endocrinologist because she didn't like her. But I believe that is a major stumbling block for many - staying on medication.

It's just weird to think she would just stop when you can see how much of a difference the medication did. At least I thought it did. Then again, I can't really know how she feels inside.

saaristonlapsi

yes i feel deeply imbaressed after an epissod when im come back to realitey. i want to just hide away because of making suck a full of my self. but its just part of the cycoling and mood shiffts. maby you should ask your wife if she will look into mood stabilizers cos there the only thing thats going to work if any thing. i supossse her moods have to irortate her enough to do some thing hey. yer at the start with one of my meds it made me feel reall sick but i stuck it out. all i get is the runs now from meds lol. some times i get nursia. but the symtom that drives me made and upset is the tiedness i hate is so much some of my meds make me feel tied and its really hard to get through a day some times.but i just put up with it and just remind my self how things were with out meds.

Sigh... I know... I know... But you know how it goes, "I'm not the one who needs medication, you're the one who needs medication!" Or then there's the guilt trip: "You just want me to be drugged up." The worst part it is that it works all too well. I start to doubt myself. And I start feeling guilty.

So tell me, babygirl, how did you feel before you were on mood stabilizers and someone suggested you get on them?

Hi baby and Saar! So sorry to hear about your wife's reaction! Dang!!! Has she tried lamictal by any chance?

-- Thu Oct 06, 2011 11:16 am --

Actually, my latest combo is lamictal as a mood stabilizer, wellbutrin Xl, Xanax as needed for anxiety and Prozac just for days 12-16 of my cycle for the magnification. I take that with Xanax and the beastie is under control. So far so good on the med front!!

saaristonlapsi

before the meds i felt angery all the time moody id get really high adrenilen rushes that i couldnt calm down from like out of anger of hyponess hart polptation a tremer through my body. iretabolness snappy sad down in the dumps some days not want to get off the coutch from being so tied even though i just woke up. numb sler when talking some times. cry for no reason. pain in my back. head acs migrains. id have a plan in my head what im going to do the next day. and when it came i didnt want to do any more because my mood had changed and lost my selfesteam and confidence. gibbering arguing picking out anything to argue about for no reason then get up set after and think why did i do that or i dont remember that. now im still the sam me but just restricked and more relaxed and calm and not like a bull at a gate ready to start an argument or a fight. some of my down days now like i now im down but i cant really feel it but i just now im numb and no energy and tied. but dont have the racing mind so much that makes me think and get up set. i would get theirys in my head of what i was going to say or do jusmp to appinons i could only see my way. now i can see both sides of a storry and be more considerent of others feelings and think a little more before i speack. i would always but in on convisation and not let people speak id keep talking or talk over them and not want to see there way only mine. i could write on and on lol. im more happy with my self now and life and apriciate people friends and family around me and what i have. and even if i am in a down mood ill still go out if i want or with my hubby. im in a much better place.

Damn... I'm starting to sound like a broken record... And I hate it. There was yet another big fight on Thursday night. My wife texts me at work, and says she wants to talk. She has something written down, and wants to air out. But she goes on to say "Don't worry", it's nothing bad.

Of course I worry. And for reason, it turned out.

It starts out OK at first. How I'm a great husband, how she loves me etc. etc. Then she says she's back on Metformin because I pressured her. Ok, a little jab, but I can take it.

But then the letter gets to the part where she tells me everything I've done wrong. That's when things start getting out of control fast. I try to stonewall it, because nobody wants to be berated over and over again. I just can't take that. But I think I handled myself pretty calmly and well. Unfortunately, that seems to make her even more angry.

She blindsides me and tells me she had bags packed earlier this week. My birthday was on Tuesday. Nice birthday present. She's been checking my text messages again, and is upset that I'm texting my friend. There's yelling, she threatens to leave, call the police, etc.

I know it'll pass. It always has. But it's just so difficult.

You know what the most hurtful thing was? When I was reduced to tears, I felt no sympathy at all.

I think next week we'll have to see the psychiatrist together.

-- Thu Oct 13, 2011 7:01 pm --

Sorry guys, I feel that you're giving me all kinds of advice, but I just don't/won't/can't follow it...

I think what I need is Joo Janta Peril Sensitive earplugs...

I know last night she had taken BuSpar, Xanax and Risperdal. Now when I woke up this morning, I saw that she also drank two beers. Now that worries me. Sure the beer might not have any real effect, especially if it was hours after taking the medication. But I'm sure she didn't drink it because she was thirsty.