Too pathetic to come clean....

I've read a lot on here after doing a lot of thinking about my current predicament.

I'm definitely a liar, I don't know whether it's compulsive or not, or really what the definition is...all I know is that lying to my wife, family and friends about certain issues that I can't deal with has led me to the point I'm about to lose everything.

I'm depressed, but I'm realising that the main root of all my unhappiness comes from the lies...I can't relax, be myself. I can't enjoy things as I know I don't deserve to....

What I want to know is how the hell do you find the courage to come clean and get help when you know it's going to ruin yours and everyones life around you, how do you live with the shame? how can you live knowing that the people that once loved you will pity and despise you? I feel so awful that I'm going to ruin everybodies life - well, I have already, but they don't realise...I hate myself for it, for being so weak, so dishonest and so pathetic, that even now - I put the mask back on and pretend like there's no problem.

I've been having suicidal thoughts almost every day for the last couple of years, but I've always been able to find a way to delay the inevitable, but now I feel I'm backed into a corner and there's no escape from the truth in the next few days or weeks....and I'm too paralysed with fear, and knowing that I'm going to lose everything that I love....

I'm even so scared I know when I finally see a Doctor about this, I won't be honest about the extent of my problems even then....I need help, but considering I'm too scared to even talk to a Doctor, I'm not really sure what's going to happen.

I can see only two futures for me, and they're both pretty awful. I guess I should just make it easier for everyone else by coming clean, but any time I speak or see people I just put the act on again....It's just so natural.

Not really sure why I'm posting this....I need help, but I need to help myself...

I know it is a massively horrible situation you are in and I truly feel for you on that front but the bottom line is that you are finally at the rock bottom of a long lying addiction way of life which every lying addict has to get to before they are effectively ready to change.

First things first... what is lying addiction? The following post will help you understand...

compulsive-lying/topic103034.html

Next you need to understand why lying addicts lie and the day to day experience of living with a lying addiction which these 2 posts go over...

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

compulsive-lying/topic129187.html

Here is a post on how to stop lying now that you are at rock bottom...

compulsive-lying/topic116107.html

And here is a post on how to come clean responsibly...

compulsive-lying/topic116108.html

Once you have gone through all that material and digested it, post again to see where you go from here. My suggestion would be to do nothing by way of coming clean until you understand the nature of your lying addiction found in the posts above.

BIG HUG. You are no longer alone and do not have to do this journey alone.
Billi Caine

In my opinion, you need to take a first important step. Realize that you have a problem, and get help. You seem to acknowledge that you have this behavior, but there also seems to be some confusion in you what will be best for YOU. And healthiest for YOU. You are very worried about the ramifications of your actions, the consequences, the appearances, and the shame of it. It is true, they are there, and they aren't fun. But they are necessary, and whether you see it now or not, You will suffer through them whether you make efforts to correct them or not.

This is a similar problem to what I had. I could not see how all my lying was ultimately self serving. I said I would lie, and didn't know why, and at that time, I absolutely did not. However, in retrospect, all of my lies could be tied to some degree of self benefit. Your comments remind of of this. Shame, while not fun, affects YOU. Not others. And if that is more important for you not to feel it than get better, then that first step in this affliction still needs to be hurdled.

Just my 2 cents.

It's started.

I'm seeking help.

I'm coming clean.

I am a liar, but fingers crossed people will give me another chance.

I will share a common concern many had with me when I began my voyage. Of course we will have to deal with others relationship throughout this transformation. Some relationships will be preserved. Some will perish. It was our behaviors and our actions that birthed this conundrum. We cannot expect everyone to simply overlook our actions. PLEASE make sure you're not setting yourself up for conditional repair. By that, I mean you're not trying to fix yourself in order to preserve relationships. You need to make sure you are fixing you for YOU. Not for relationships. What would you do if the 5 most important relationships you have could not be repaired from this unfortunate illness? Do you yield and just go back to that bad behaviors and problems? Of course not. There is always the need to better ones self for ones self. You very well could be doing this, but PLEASE make sure you dont conditionalize your betterment.

Thanks again for the comments and advice.

I know I want to improve myself for ME. But I do also want to improve me and make amends for the people I love.

I feel now that I know what is real, what is important to me, and I know the love that I have for those around me is real. I don't ever want to live the way I've lived again, and am fully committed and ready to face repercussions, face embarrassment and do my best to understand why I've acted the way I have and learn how I can make changes to how I live in future. I know some people will never understand how I messed up so badly, some may never forgive me, and some may never trust me again - but I accept and understand that. All I can do is try and live a more honest and happy life for myself and my loved ones.

It's been almost surreal....(if it wasn't still so close, so raw)

In the last 2/3 weeks I've gone from complete emotional shutdown, non-communication, denial, contemplating some very dark thoughts, and barely recognising how badly I needed support and help.....to going to my GP, dealing with the depression and despair (which I believe was a product of my lying problem, and not the other way round) by starting medication, stopping drinking and starting counselling. I've come 100% clean to the lies to my parents, my wife, my counsellor, and 1 close friend, and I've let my childminder and my workplace know that I'm getting help (if not the full disclosure as I don't want to damage professional chances in future and for that reason alone). Every time I open up and speak more and more is coming out of me and it's the first time I've ever felt so exposed, but I have to say in a good way - a massive weight has been lifted and although all I've done is stop digging, I feel like the corner may have been turned and I can now start to improve day by day.

I'm incredibly, incredibly lucky as so far, my wife has agreed to give me and our family another chance and although hurt angry and disappointed (more than understandably) she's been so supportive and loving, the same with my parents who not only have made that final push that after breaking down, made me tell them not only the actual lies, but that I know I have a real problem that's been growing and been there ever since I was much younger. They're helping me in support and financially out of the hole that I've dug for me and my family and I will never ever be able to say how thankful and remorseful I am. I know I'm going to have to keep trying for the rest of my life to make amends as I'm never going to stop being grateful. One of my best friends who was going to put me up if my wife kicked me out knows everything, I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to tell him, but after telling my wife, family and the therapist - it almost flowed out of me easily, still incredibly embarrassing and awkward and I don't know when or if the guilt and shame will ever fade, I will always blame myself as it was all my doing - but as long as I can stop the self-loathing and accept that was a section of my life and move on that may be enough. I ever want to forget and slip back into old ways.

I can honestly say I've not felt this optimistic and determined my whole life. It feels like the start, and it is only the start of getting better and rebuilding things, but it feels like a start of a new life which I know can only be 100 times happier and better for me and my family.

I've said to my wife and family that I don't expect them to forgive or trust me for a very very long time, but all I'm asking for is a chance. It's going to be a long road, there will probably be set backs and I can't expect the speed of changes and improvement that has happened in the last fortnight - but it's going to happen.

I think and hope I'll keep coming back here, typing things out helps me focus my thoughts.

-- Thu Feb 06, 2014 1:27 pm --

Also, I've always felt like I needed to prove to everyone I was perfect, successful, and maybe better than other people - and you know what - now I just feel flawed, humbled, and a bit of a trainwreck - and you know what - it doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would be. So I know I don't need to be perfect any more, I just need to be myself.

My heart sang when I read this post. I am in awe of your courage and determination, And I just LOVED these words you wrote... "Also, I've always felt like I needed to prove to everyone I was perfect, successful, and maybe better than other people - and you know what - now I just feel flawed, humbled, and a bit of a trainwreck - and you know what - it doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would be. So I know I don't need to be perfect any more, I just need to be myself."

One thing that has proven itself through the decades as being a surefire way of overcoming addictions of any sort has been to "give it away to keep it" which loosely means that the more an addict helps other addicts, the more they get to keep what they are teaching. My suggestion therefore would be to stick to the decision you made about keeping on writing on here and reaching out to other suffering lying addicts who are desperately in need of encouraging words from those who have gone before them and have arrived safely on the other side of the burning room of their despair.

A wonderful post! It seems you are not "too pathetic to come clean after all"

Thanks Billi, your reply made me smile* - and I hope I do keep coming back here as it helped me.

*still desperately seeking the approval of others, but at least I recognise it now!

One problem I'm having is balancing the relief and happiness to finally get the truth out, but not being TOO happy with the people that I've hurt as I don't want it to appear that I'm not treating the situation with the gravity it deserves.

I think the turning point was that I ommitted/distorted the full truth in my original confession to my parents - not even on purpose - but I realised the next day and came clean even though every part of my body was telling me not too - in case that was the straw that would break the camels back - so glad I did.

Thanks

Hi,
I specifically joined this forum just to reply to your post. First of all, well done on telling the truth to your wife and parents. The first step was realizing yourself you had a problem. I'm in a similar situation right now, i've lied to not only my friends, and uni lecturers over the past few years but to myself, i often believed a lot of the lies i was telling - or so i think. I did it a lot for attention, i never felt adequate enough in childhood and through my teens, and i never lied to look important, i lied for sympathy, i lied about some horrible things all for sympathy, i thought people hated me and i needed attention. I'm now 19.

how are you going now? i really hope it's going well for you, i now how guilt ridden i felt, and i just read your last post about balancing your relief with the hatred and that's what i'm trying to get through now, i told all of my lecturers and most friends the truth, and it feels like such a relief and a burden off of my shoulders but i absolutely hate myself for it, and can't find a balance.

Hope to hear back from you.

All recovering addicts have to walk the path you are on in relation to navigating that delicate balance you spoke of. It comes with the territory of recovery. Have no fear though because loved ones know intuitively when their addict is in dismissive arrogance or humble happiness and respond accordingly. To me though, your posts ooze humility and that will shine out of you I am sure.

Keep all your recovery in the day and do your best not to go too far in the future in your thinking and you will walk this tricky terrain in one piece.