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FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

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Re: FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

Postby oliverlynn » Sat Apr 26, 2014 5:52 pm

this post has really helped me examine why I'm lying and where I'm at in changing my behavior.

I have never thought of myself as a liar or a compulsive liar until my husband caught me in a big lie about three years ago. I have been struggling with it ever since then. The big lie that set it all off three years ago was that i was texting male friend and becoming close with that person. I hid it from my husband and he found out one night by looking at my phone. I tried to cover it up at first and then not knowing what to do told my husband we should get a divorce. For the next several months it was a struggle in trying to let go of that other person and figure out if I should stay married. My husband and I did decide to stay married but since then he has never trusted me. He has access to all my social media accounts and my email and watches me like a hawk. Sometimes I resent him for it but I do understand. He thinks I lie because I'm selfish and don't care about him.

After that incident all I wanted to do was make things right. I didn't lie to him for months but then, just shy of a year later, I started smoking pot and telling him I wasn't. He caught me in that and wanted to leave me. Every time he catches me in a lie, he says he is going to leave me. After he caught me smoking pot, I swore I would stop, and I did stop. After more than 15 years of smoking pot I stopped and haven't smoked in over a year now. The other thing he wanted me to stop was online video games and forums and games on my phone. That I didn't stop. I have always loved playing games, so i kept playing a game on my phone that did have a forum with the other players. He caught me in that a few months after the pot but I've given that up now too.

Since then I have not lied to him, that was 8 months ago, then I got a bill in the mail that I hid from him, thinking that I could take care of it and not tell him. I don't know why I hit it, I think I was scared. I knew i was making the wrong choice. He didn't trust me in the first place. So then, exactly one year after he found out about the pot, he found the bill (both times on the day of my birthday) and things have not been good. Its been a week since then, and I've really been telling myself I can change, I can be good to him and not lie. My husband is always second guessing me, questioning my motives and thinking I am doing something horrible behind his back.

I put myself in the stupidest situations. Yesterday there was a beggar outside the place I go for lunch and I bought him a lunch meal. About an hour later my husband saw the charge on our bank log and texted me to question me about it. I lied at first, saying that I bought myself a big meal, but he continued to question me on it so I stepped out of the office and told him what I did. He just said bull**** and hung up. He doesn't believe me, he thinks I am having lunch with someone else and now is telling me I have to move out.

After reading this post I am understanding why after so much time of not lying I could lie twice in just a week. I felt so horrible after lying about the bill that I hid. I don't have the right kind of support to guide me through a healing process, just my husband telling me I'm selfish and don't care about anything but myself.

I think I am making progress, after lying about the meal, I was able to backtrack and tell the truth. My husband just thinks I'm a liar and I will never change and he wants a divorce. I feel like my only option is to just go along with what he wants. I am also looking for a therapist to help me through this, because I feel like I really need help.
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Re: FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

Postby colt » Sat Apr 26, 2014 9:59 pm

Welcome,
As you stated we do put ourselves in the stupidest situations.

Due to the nature of this addiction I think trust is much harder to regain then other addictions. It's understandable that the spouse/partner question everything we say or do after being lied to many times. And yes, it does get frustrating when we tell the truth and are met with disbelief but we put ourselves in this position. You have to learn to look at it from HIS point of view to really understand the damage that was done.

It's important to find the source of your lying. Is it low self esteem, people pleaser, confrontation avoidance? Once you do it will be much easier to work on, you won't be blindly trying hit or miss things.

As for your relationship, that's for you 2 to figure out. I give my wife receipts every pay day and we go over any money I spent. She has all my passwords and login's and can check my computer or phone whenever she wants. Is it uncomfortable at times? Yes, but it's what I have to do to make her feel safe.
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Re: FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

Postby imagineurself » Wed May 28, 2014 12:34 pm

I need your help! please

I stand here a shell of a man, alone and without direction to find a path. I am a compulsive Liar and i have been all my life. I have hurt and destroyed everything that is near and dear to my heart.

I have almost no friends, no family and no love to call my own. I am defeated and at rock bottom and needing to hear it from someone why and what I need to do. I know everyone has a story and i know some are so worse off than me but why can’t I stop lying, My childhood was a mess abusive father and a mother who blamed her children for her life’s problems, I would cry for love and attention, and never getting that just yelling and beating, through high high school I would lie for attention say things to be cool yet get caught and pay by getting beaten up for worse.

I have lost every relationship and woman I have ever loved because I would lie about the smallest things and then the biggest things, I have a child after a failed marriage that is the only reason I haven’t killed myself i have another child that i gave up the rights to cause i was ashamed someone would never like me with a child, now shes 17 and wants to see me but knows the evil person I am.

I met a beautiful woman 2 years ago and she was life and beauty and love, she was a healer and a spiritual woman, and showed me love like never before showed me how to be grateful for life and love and help others, it was a beautiful relationship but i gave her my lies to make her love me, I lied about cancer and getting treatments for her to hold me tighter to her. Why would someone do that lie about having cancer when so many people die from it! why did I feel I needed to put lies in the most beautiful relationship I have ever found, she accepted me and knowing my #######4 past , I told her I was healing every day, she loved my daughter of 8 years old and we were supposed to make settlement in a week and now I have nothing because I lied about having cancer and being sterile, she become pregnant 6 weeks ago after me telling her I was sterile from chemo i was not getting. Now she has found out the truth and has left me and is having an abortion.I am devastated that i could destroy this amazing soul of a woman.

I am lost and ashamed; I am a failure and a coward. Who does this and why, I look back and can’t believe this is what I have made of my life? I know I am a good person inside and that I feel her pain and the pain of others I have hurt. I want to be better I want to make my life something I want to live for the first time ever and give to the people who have trusted me and believed in me when all I ever did was lie. its like it just happens I don't think about it. I don't wake up and say I am going to hurt someone today, god all i want is to be loved and cared for and i destroy it. the pain I feel is to much to take anymore Im afraid for myself and the one i have hurt. change must happen today or I am done.

Why am I am monster when all I ever wanted to be was something beautiful to the world.
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Re: FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

Postby colt » Wed May 28, 2014 10:30 pm

You're not a monster, you have an addiction. Looking at your past it's easy to see why you would start lying to protect yourself.
From your post it looks like it is self esteem related so you need to start working to raise it. Easier said then done I know but it does help.
I tell people to stop lying today (again, easier said the done) so it gives you a date in which to say anything after this date I don't have to worry about. ( This in itself will start to raise self esteem) Then you can begin to clean up the problems you've created before. Trying to do that while still lying just won't work.
Look for all of Billi Caine's guides on the site and read them, they help a lot.
You need to take some time and find out who you really are, we tend to get lost in our lies and start believing them ourselves.
Don't worry about coming clean on all of you lies at this time( you can tell people you have a problem and ask for help if you want) as all it will do right now is cause chaos.

I know the pain you're in and it can be unbearable at times. It will get better as you progress through recovery.

Hope this at least gets you started.
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Re: FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

Postby imagineurself » Thu May 29, 2014 1:13 am

Thank you Colt and also Billi for personally emailing me, its just so hard, ive been writing everything down and wow so much to fix, im so scared and afraid because I have no support or anyone to help me and its all my fault, I do want to better myself so bad cause im at rock bottom and the only way is up, i just wish the love of my life was still with me, i cant believe i lied to her, and lost her. Im going to practice the steps and take one day at a time, I want to live with integrity! I want to live and be loved for me no for the world i created in my head. This is the first time ive ever really been able to talk about this, the anixeity and depression are so bad at times, the guilt is so hard, but thank you for your supportive words! I want to get help and show myself I can do this! and one day help others. Thank you!
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Re: FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

Postby colt » Thu May 29, 2014 10:04 pm

Having nobody there counting on and monitoring your progress may not be a bad thing. It gets really stressful when the other person is constantly asking what you did today to fix this or is telling you that you aren't doing enough.
You can work at your own pace, just make sure you actually do the work.

The depression will go away as you recover, the guilt sticks with you somewhat longer, which isn't a bad thing. It reminds you why your trying to fix your problem. Don't let it eat you up though, the guilt and self hate will feed the negative and we need to stay positive.
Don't get to high on good days or to low on bad ones, try to keep your emotions as even as possible.
Also, expect bumps in the road, you may lie again, don't let it derail your whole recovery. Just admit it and move forward.
Keep us posted on your progress
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Re: FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

Postby imagineurself » Mon Jun 02, 2014 1:44 pm

the process is hard and im finding myself catching myself day in and day out, Billi Caine's 10 set revovery is ghelping soooo much in me finding answers to my problem and how to coupe and deal with this addiction, its so hard at times and the depression is allot, and yest Colt the guilt will probaby last for years and years to come, Im trying to be strong and stand up to this and fight it head on, being alone is so hard, but i know where the road will lead if i follow the true path.
the one qoute in Billi program really hit me and its awesome!

A Cherokee Grandfather says to his grandson.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

its so true and now i have to feed the high vibration. not the lower one. I have to do this. its just so friggin hard. i have nothing left in this life and i want the rest of my days to be beautiful! I honestly do.
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Re: FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

Postby colt » Mon Jun 02, 2014 10:12 pm

Just have to put the work in. Once you're being honest with yourself people will be drawn to you. Then you start over by being your true self, no need to make stuff up. Not all people will like you even after you change just as you probably don't like everyone you meet. Just get your head straight and you'll be surprised how people take to you.
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Re: FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

Postby imagineurself » Thu Jun 05, 2014 1:10 am

Colt and Billi thank you sooooooo much for talking to me last week, sine I came on here I got billi's lying kit! I just finished reading the whole thing today im going to re-read it and highlight everything so I don't forget the words at all, wow it was moving and boy was it an eye opener. @. ive been seeing a therapist weekly and went to a 2 1/2 guided meditation class on Monday, i have been doing hypnosis every night i download a compulsive lying hypnosis mps from hypnosis downloads and i use it every night i cant sleep without it. I believe i can do this, but i know its going to be difficult and "Coming Clean" is going to be sooo hard, I am thinking i am going to have to do it with my therapist. my anxiety and depress spike everyday and sometimes i cry for so long, I miss Brittany and the life we had, i have completely destroyed her world and the world of others who have believed in me, I have a goal, and i want to be a Man of Integrity .

Im catching myself but I am very alone and trying so had to have meaningfulness and be in the moment and think before i speak, i was in bad shape 2 weeks ago and i took a bottle of pills the day before she left me and we spent the night in the hospital , she wanted answers and i was so weak so ashamed i tried to kill myself. since then i have allot of pain and sorrow and remorse, but i also have hope.

I have hope that I can do this and im going to change my life, it cant be for a week or a month it has to become a lifestyle, and if i can do this, wow. what energy and life and love i know i will feel, i dont want to get to high about the outcome , but im dedicating my days from now on to Myself and the love i shared with Brittany and my daughter. I want to believe in myself and feed the god wof in me not the evil one. I know this is going to be the hardest thing i have ever done and so many people know me as a liar. I will accept responsibility and do the best i can. here is to hope................

Thank you for talking to me when noone would .
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Re: FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

Postby colt » Thu Jun 05, 2014 8:39 pm

Glad we could help. Yes, Billi's kit is a wonderful tool in helping us. ( I have it also). We'll be here so keep us updated on your progress or if you just need to vent.
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