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5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

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Re: 5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

Postby AliceWonders » Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:28 pm

Iwoya wrote:First off, Thank you so much for the effort you've put into this thread. (Standing applause). This is very well researched and a very very useful reference. I believe you must have gained a lot for yourself out of this research, but I really appreciate you sharing this knowledge with us and,again, I just want you to know how much this means to me. Thanks AliceWonders!!


No Problem :oops:

It's a work in progress, I'm still looking for some addition info and if I find anything relevent to communication I'll definitel post it up here :mrgreen:

I just hope that this information will a difference in someone's life. It'll be up to my family and X's to use it with me, and I'm not sure if they will or not, but we can't control others, we can only control ourselves- right?

Take Care :mrgreen:
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth~Oscar Wilde

Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together~Eugene Ionesco

Once you chose hope anything is possible~ Christopher Reeves
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Re: 5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

Postby SearchingforHope » Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:43 pm

this is all great info! very helpful :)
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Re: 5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

Postby mick11 » Thu Mar 17, 2011 4:09 pm

Outstanding Thread!!!!!!

As a NON this was a lot of help. I keep limited NC with my ex-wife, but this will help out when we do need to discuss things.

This thread should be considered for a "Sticky".
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Re: 5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

Postby AliceWonders » Thu Mar 17, 2011 5:50 pm

Aww thnx... :oops:

It's not fair that anyone has to go through this. None of us asked for this, not us or our families; but the good thing it is it's managable- If you work HARD & COMMIT to changing it!!!

We all faulter- we're none of us perfect, but we all have the ability to learn and grow :D

I got this part together for the families directly, because I felt like I was almost asking them to come down to 'our level' and that's not the case. The focus is on betterment for BOTH SIDES, not just one! And in that spirit of hope and change, I'd like to provide the familes with a possibly new resource they may not yet know about.

Family Connections!

What it is and how it works, can be seen through the following exerbts from research done on the development stage of it's inception in 2005:
An Education, Skills and Support Programs for relatives impacted by Borderline Personality Disorder

Mental illness is a family affair. This may be particularly true in personality disorders (PDs) because of the interpersonal nature of their characteristics. Family members are perhaps the most affected and, in turn, are the people most likely to affect the individual with the disorder. Because personality disorders occur in the context of relationships, it is surprising that few programs have been developed to serve families with relatives diagnosed with Axis II disorders, particularly in comparison to the psychoeducation programs that have been developed and made available for Axis I disorders (McFarlane, Dixon, Lukens et al., 2003).

The impact of any mental illness on family members, regardless of diagnosis, can be catastrophic. Family members often are on the front line serving as informal case managers, or as the de facto crisis intervention workers who handle calls of suicidal behavior and emergencies. Unfortunately family members are thrust into roles that require family members to manage situations for which they are ill prepared. Thus, not surprising, studies indicate that family members with a relative with a mental illness are, in general at high risk for depression (Dyck, Short & Vitaliano, 1999; Song, Biegel, & Milligan, 1997). Other data document that, in addition to depression, stress from having a relative with a mental illness is associated with burden, grief and isolation (Greenberg, Seltzer, & Greenley, 1993; Lefley, 1987).

Of note, in a study of stress among clinicians (Hellman, Morrison & Abramowitz, 1986), the three most extreme stressors for mental health providers were patient suicide attempts, threats of suicide, and patient anger, all associated features of BPD... This impact on BPD family members cannot be underestimated. BPD family members often report feeling too traumatized and disempowered to be of help to their ill relatives (Hoffman, Penney, & Woodward, 2002). Up to 73% of those diagnosed with BPD have made at least one suicide attempt with an average of 3.4 lifetime attempts (Soloff, Lynch, Kelly et al., 2000) and 10% of patients with BPD eventually commit suicide (Center for Disease Control, 1997).

Source: http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorde ... alth07.pdf

Although often feeling deskilled by BPD, with its associated problematic behaviours that are difficult to comprehend, family members report that they are frequently isolated and alone in dealing with their loved one’s struggles. Equally difficult is experiencing friends and family members as judgmental about the often traumatizing crises that occur and what they endure (Hoffman et al., 1999). Family members often report a sense of ‘‘surplus stigma,’’ even from those more enlightened about mental illness. Surplus stigma is stigma that is over and above what is typically experienced... The content of the FC program, developed in consultation with several family members and individuals with BPD, was adapted largely from existing curricula created by the first two authors.
The content includes psychoeducational materials reflecting current literature on BPD and on family functioning, and some skills adapted from individual Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT; Linehan, 1993). It also includes relationship and family skills developed by the authors, based on DBT theory (e.g., Hoffman, Fruzzetti, & Swenson, 1999; Fruzzetti & Fruzzetti, 2003). The FC program (Fruzzetti & Hoffman, 2004) is divided into six modules:

Module 1: the most current information and research on BPD (e.g., symptoms, course of illness);

Module 2: psychoeducation regarding the development of BPD, available treatments, comorbidity, and a primer on emotion reactivity and dysregulation;

Module 3: individual skills and relationship skills to promote participant emotional well-being (including emotion self-management, mindfulness, letting go of judgments, decreasing vulnerability to negative emotions, and skills to decrease emotional reactivity);

Module 4: family skills to improve the quality of family relationships and interactions (letting go of blame and anger, acceptance skills in relationships);

Module 5: accurate and effective self-expression (how to validate); and

Module 6: problem management skills (e.g., defining problems effectively, collaborative problem solving, knowing when to focus on acceptance and when to focus on change).

All modules include specific practice exercises and homework. In addition, throughout the program, FC provides a forum in which participants can build a support network by family members of persons with other serious mental illnesses.

The FC program targeted change in consistently problematic constructs for family members: burden, depression, grief, and mastery. Family Connections is a program specifically designed to addresses these issues. Data indicates that family members who participated in FC reported significant changes in several key dimensions that are consistently reported to play a central role in their lives: burden, grief, and mastery. These constructs burden, grief, and mastery encompass phenomena that often plague family members with issues such as financial concerns, worries that one’s own behavior may exacerbate BPD symptomatology, mourning lost expectations, and guilt around etiology of the disorder.

The Results:
During the 3 months after FC ended, results show that the average family’s score on the Burden Assessment Scale continued to decrease by an average of 5.78 point. . Changes the mean grief score of all family units decreased by an average of 4.99 points, and the mean mastery score increased by an average of 4.43 points. No change in depression or perceived burden occurred during the 3 months post-FC...

Source: http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorde ... ctions.pdf


So there again- Knowledge is POWER!

Families that took an active role in educating themselves about the disorder and learning the necessary skills to protect themselves from emotional harm and how to better coexist with their disordered family member actually gained back some of their own personal power and self esteem by alleviating much of the stress associated from stumbling around blind in the dark.


It’s much the same thing as living with an alcoholic/other abuser. You must take the active steps in educating and protecting yourself for YOUR sake- not for theirs...


©Family Connections is offered in cities around the country as volunteer leaders become available. For those located in areas where the course is not currently offered, the TeleConnections program is a possible alternative. The demand is great however, and there is now a waiting list for both classes. If you think you might like to participate, we ask that you complete our online Pre-Registration Form. Should a suitable class become available, you will be contacted personally. All information submitted is confidential.

Anyone who’d like to register for the Family Connections Program can do so by clicking the provided link: http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorde ... ation2.htm


More information on Family Connections is available here: http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorde ... ions.shtml


It’s not your fault you have to go through the emotional torture of living with a disordered person, but it’s within your power to help yourself and the one you love by taking care of YOU FIRST!
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth~Oscar Wilde

Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together~Eugene Ionesco

Once you chose hope anything is possible~ Christopher Reeves
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Re: 5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

Postby Iwoya » Thu Mar 17, 2011 6:20 pm

Hi, AliceWonders.
I have a question and since you are now, in my mind, a resource on BPD, I'll ask you for some help understanding something. Firstly, I am a male BPD, who was cheated on by my wife for a period of four years before I found out (everyone in my circle of friends knew, but didn't tell me, perhaps knowing my, lets say fragile, emotional state). As a result, trust became a real issue for me. I tried to get over it , but to no avail and I therefore just removed myself from society, so to speak. I recognize the protection isolation has, but in an effort to camouflage my isolation, I developed a skill in lying to others.(basically making up stories to coworkers etc. about what I do on the weekend, evenings and such). Now that I am stronger I want to get back into society, in a social way, but I seem to think others cannot possibly like me, or accept me if I don't like myself. Is this what they refer to as having no identity. I am whatever others think I am, atleast in my thoughts.
Please don't feel obligated to respond I just thought perhaps you could help.
Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.

MDD, SAD, AvPD, BPD - currently untreated

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Re: 5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

Postby AliceWonders » Thu Mar 17, 2011 8:00 pm

Iwoya wrote:Hi, AliceWonders.
I have a question and since you are now, in my mind, a resource on BPD, I'll ask you for some help understanding something. Firstly, I am a male BPD, who was cheated on by my wife for a period of four years before I found out (everyone in my circle of friends knew, but didn't tell me, perhaps knowing my, lets say fragile, emotional state). As a result, trust became a real issue for me. I tried to get over it , but to no avail and I therefore just removed myself from society, so to speak. I recognize the protection isolation has, but in an effort to camouflage my isolation, I developed a skill in lying to others.(basically making up stories to coworkers etc. about what I do on the weekend, evenings and such). Now that I am stronger I want to get back into society, in a social way, but I seem to think others cannot possibly like me, or accept me if I don't like myself. Is this what they refer to as having no identity. I am whatever others think I am, atleast in my thoughts.
Please don't feel obligated to respond I just thought perhaps you could help.



OMG! I really don't know what to say...

For me my lack of self identity is broken into fragments of inner 'pieces' false persona's I've emotionally created within myself that have their characteristics strengths and weaknesses. I'm not sure how lack of idenity plays out across the BPD specrtum- bu8t I can look into it and see what I find if you like?

I'm a mess myself, I have BPD & HPD comorbid disorders that make my life a living hell too. Let me look into it and see what I can find out. I may need a day or 2 though to get good detailed infor on what that is; but I'm not sure how to fix it by any means. Do you have a therapist yet?
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth~Oscar Wilde

Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together~Eugene Ionesco

Once you chose hope anything is possible~ Christopher Reeves
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Re: 5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

Postby Iwoya » Thu Mar 17, 2011 8:36 pm

On another thread I wrote
Iwoya wrote:My one lasting BPD trait is poor impulse control (at least, I believe it's a BPD trait). I haven't seen a mental health care professional in over 15yrs. I'm sure many of you have researched BPD and have read accounts about how difficult BPD patients can be. Well I'm the one they're talking about. I don't do well with psychiatrists and/or psychologists. As a result I've been on my own!

This was immediately after my wife ran off (to Europe. Emptying our bank account and leaving me starting over alone. I chose a drastic method. I'm also a type 1 diabetic. So I just took a massive dose of fast acting insulin and went to sleep, hoping never to awaken again. But hypoglycemic behaviour (I often refer to as auto-pilot) sabotaged this and I went looking for sugar. Neighbors found me crawling in the hallway of our apartment and called for an ambulance. I was so angry with the medics they saw the self destructive side of my choice and I was committed to the psych ward in our local hospital. That's when I was diagnosed. I've never been back for help after my 18week commital.
Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.

MDD, SAD, AvPD, BPD - currently untreated

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Re: 5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

Postby AliceWonders » Thu Mar 17, 2011 8:55 pm

Iwoya wrote:On another thread I wrote
Iwoya wrote:My one lasting BPD trait is poor impulse control (at least, I believe it's a BPD trait). I haven't seen a mental health care professional in over 15yrs. I'm sure many of you have researched BPD and have read accounts about how difficult BPD patients can be. Well I'm the one they're talking about. I don't do well with psychiatrists and/or psychologists. As a result I've been on my own!

This was immediately after my wife ran off (to Europe. Emptying our bank account and leaving me starting over alone. I chose a drastic method. I'm also a type 1 diabetic. So I just took a massive dose of fast acting insulin and went to sleep, hoping never to awaken again. But hypoglycemic behaviour (I often refer to as auto-pilot) sabotaged this and I went looking for sugar. Neighbors found me crawling in the hallway of our apartment and called for an ambulance. I was so angry with the medics they saw the self destructive side of my choice and I was committed to the psych ward in our local hospital. That's when I was diagnosed. I've never been back for help after my 18week commital.


I know how you felt in that moment, where it felt like your whole world was suffocating you and closing in on you. You want to curl up and hide from the pain, but there's no where out- everywhere is filled with pain, even the deepest darkest corners of your mind. That's when suicide comes in to eleiviate that pain and take you away from it all... Yes I've been there too...

My wife didn't run off to europe, but I have been in that same place you were then, and I know how desperately you just want to have peace for once in your life; but honestly, in order to get peace from this you need outside help- especially if you're in that dark place or close to it.

If you were to think to yourself- honestly and truly look inside yourself with out judgement or falsehood- search for something... search the reason that keeps you from therapy- what it is???

Is it the stigma to the disorder- you don't want to be labled?
Are you having difficulty accepting the diagnosis- is too much to admit to/too 'crazy' for your liking?
Is it pride- do you think anything life throws you should be able to handle it on your own?
Is it fear- are you affraid that something once forgotten or deeply hidden will be exumed and revealed?

I'm sorry for provoking all this thoughts and many questions, but it seemed you were at one point so determined to acheive the peace you long for, and now that you're at a place where you can have that peace and a full life to enjoy it- I just wonder why you aren't fighting for anymore? Where did your determination go?

I know myself it's that peace I seek that pushes me on. I don't ever want to give up on myself again, I don't want to die. I want a life and I wanna life it the best way I possibly can.

I guess I'm just wondering how you feel about it yourself?
You say you had back luck/run with therapists- right?

Did you know we're SUPPOSED to hate our therapists! It's a technique called transference and that's how we get better- messed up, but totally true!

What are you thoughts on these things?
I'm still hunting for your answers BTW, but I'm hoping in the meantime you can maybe provide me with a few mine???

Thanks & lemme see what Frude has to say about all this sense of self stuff- k?
ttys
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth~Oscar Wilde

Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together~Eugene Ionesco

Once you chose hope anything is possible~ Christopher Reeves
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Re: 5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

Postby Iwoya » Thu Mar 17, 2011 9:27 pm

The first haunting thought that prevailed in my early years after removing my self from the world was Why didn't anybody come to get me back (white knight sort of thinking). My poor self esteem has been a constant. Even now. What finally happened to change things was my new employment. When my wife left I was starting my life in Med School. I was a very good student and achieved a BSc. in Two and half years. My marks were so good I was granted a full scholarship to the University Medical Faculty. This was when she left me (leaving me a Dear John letter). I was a mess and left school. They held a spot for me for three years but I just could not continue (I only went to Med School because I wanted to give my wife the life she desired and i needed high finances for that). Originally I wanted to be a teacher. So that's what I did. I then had a knack for special education (I seem to be rather empathic and having impulse control issues and loss of control I often could relate to a lot of disorders I faced in the behaviour programs I worked in. Currently I work with more academically inclined youngsters (Inclusive Education High school Level) My class population is mostly Aspergers and Tourettes with a few Oppositional Defiant Disorder students. As a result I've gained knowledge on how to deal with things for both students and myself. (When originally diagnosed the name Borderline Personality Disorder made me believe that they (doctors) meant I was not quite right. Not really a disorder just problematic (basically "Your an asshole and there is no cure for that"). Then researching a new students disorder led me to a paper on BPD. I immediately recognized myself .
Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.

MDD, SAD, AvPD, BPD - currently untreated

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Re: 5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

Postby AliceWonders » Fri Mar 18, 2011 1:16 am

Iwoya,

I haven't forgotten you- I just found a great reasearch study in the AJP on this very subject, with lots of contribution factors identity issues, different types of identity defussion, for BPD- not DID, or any other kind of psychosis- specifically geared to us- which is thrilling!!! :mrgreen: so I'm gonna pour through it and grab the good stuff, and check for comparitive studies and get back to you with a well rounded answer as soon as I can- k?

On what you posted here previously:
The first haunting thought that prevailed in my early years after removing my self from the world was Why didn't anybody come to get me back (white knight sort of thinking). My poor self esteem has been a constant. Even now. What finally happened to change things was my new employment. When my wife left I was starting my life in Med School. I was a very good student and achieved a BSc. in Two and half years. My marks were so good I was granted a full scholarship to the University Medical Faculty. This was when she left me (leaving me a Dear John letter). I was a mess and left school. They held a spot for me for three years but I just could not continue (I only went to Med School because I wanted to give my wife the life she desired and i needed high finances for that). Originally I wanted to be a teacher. So that's what I did... (When originally diagnosed the name Borderline Personality Disorder made me believe that they (doctors) meant I was not quite right. Not really a disorder just problematic (basically "Your an asshole and there is no cure for that"). Then researching a new students disorder led me to a paper on BPD. I immediately recognized myself.


It's terrible what you had to go through to get to this point in your self realization. It also took me some time to realize what the disorder is and that is so truly 'ME' I can not run from it any longer. It's time to stand and fight this thing with all the strength I have left in me, and I hope you feel the same! If you look at all the energy and hard work we put into making our lives a mess previously, it seems to quite possible we are capable of using that same ditermination to turn our lives around- don't you think? :wink:

I hope that you rethink the possiblity of treatment/therapy to help you in this journey,it's always a good idea to take a guide along any forigne path- right?

I'll be back to you soon with my findings on identity difusion and how this effects BPD's
Take Care & Best 2U!
~Alice :mrgreen:
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth~Oscar Wilde

Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together~Eugene Ionesco

Once you chose hope anything is possible~ Christopher Reeves
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