5 Common Mistakes Made When Loving/Coping with a BPD:

Mistake #1: Setting up “boundaries” and “limits” that are really rules for their behavior Boundaries are the most misunderstood concept in the BPD supporter community (sometimes called the Non‐BPD community).
The problem with boundaries is that most people do not understand to
whom the boundary applies. Boundaries are about you and can only be applied to your own behavior.
Your boundaries are for you, the supporter of a person with BPD, not for the person with BPD.

A popular book on Non‐BPs uses the example of telling the person with BPD that you will not take phone
calls after 9 PM. This “boundary” (or limit as it’s called in this book) is supposed to be “respected” by the
person with BPD. However, when emotional dysregulation gets a hold of the person with BPD, it is
unlikely that the boundary will be remembered and respected. The problem with this boundary is that it
really arul e that governs the other person’s behavior. With BPD, rules are made to be broken.

Only you can respect your own boundaries. If you decide not to answer the phone after 9 PM then that is a boundary, because you are applying it to your own behavior, not expecting the person with BPD to
comply with your rule. The misunderstanding of boundaries and to whom they apply causes much
confusion and leads to frustration. The frustration is born out of trying to control another person’s
behavior with a rule, which is impossible.

Likely reactions to “boundaries” that are really rules includes rage, saying “you are trying to control me” and impulsive behavior, such as running away at times when it is unsafe or having unsafe sex.


Mistake #2: Judging them as “crazy” People with BPD are not crazy, despite their reactions and behavior that might indicate that they are.
The name “borderline” is a vestige from an earlier time of psychotherapy that connoted that a person with BPD was on the “borderline” between neurosis and psychosis. Today, most researchers consider BPD to be primarily a disorder of emotional dysregulation and impulse control. Unfortunately for the person with BPD, the word “personality” is also in the current name of the disorder. Many supporters of
people with BPD interpret that word as one of either a character flaw (just bad behavior) or that the
person with BPD has a certain personality that is fixed and cannot change. Neither of these situations is

correct. People with BPD are more emotional sensitive and more emotionally reactive than other people. I like to compare their emotional reactivity to that of a heat sensing control: yours is set to go off at 80
degrees Fahrenheit; a borderline’s is set at 50 degrees Fahrenheit. It is not a question of “crazy,” merely
one of more emotional reactivity (or a lower emotional “tolerance” as they say in the controls
community). The lower the tolerance, the more times the alarm goes off (even if it’s a false alarm to

you). Judging a person with BPD as crazy actually contributes to the disorder. The reason comes down to
shame. A person with BPD is likely to carry around much shame (see Mistake #4 below) and labeling
them as crazy increases the shame. The biggest danger with shame is the option of suicide. If a person
with BPD believes they are a broken/bad person (through shame), then what is the use in going on
living? Other possible fallout from shame is the “giving up” on therapy, since shame makes a borderline
believe that he/she can never be cured.


Mistake #3: Getting caught up in the content, rather than the context, of a conversation I see this situation occur in many Non‐BPs.
Getting caught up in content, rather than seeing emotional
context, is common and natural. Most people feel that they have to listen to the words, rather than the
feelings behind a conversation. In the case of BPD, the feelings matter much more than what is being
discussed. When I hear Non‐BPs saying, “but she said…” or “what she did was…,” it is a sure sign of being
caught up in the details, the content, rather than seeking the emotional context of the conversation.

Instead of getting caught up in the details, it is more effective to look for the primary emotional
motivation of the words and actions of someone with BPD. Defending against, negating and/or arguing
the details and/or accusations of someone with BPD will typically lead to more dysregulation and to an
escalation of emotional behavior. Discovering the primary emotional motivations behind the words and
actions of someone with BPD can help the person with BPD know that they are understood and heard.
This feeling alone helps calm the waters in the interaction. Additionally, understanding and validating
the emotional motivations can help facilitate meta‐cognition (or thinking about feelings) in someone
with BPD, which in itself can build toward self‐mastery of his/her emotional states. That is, one can’t be
all feelings and perform meta‐cognition at the same time. Each time meta‐cognition occurs makes it easier for it to reoccur. Developing mastery over the poorly‐regulated emotions is a goal unto itself, since, if the skill can be
generalized, the person with BPD will almost automatically feel better without the intervention of the
Non‐BP. If they feel better, the attacks, raging and manipulation that are motivated by feeling badly will
subside, since they are no longer need to quell the negative emotional states.


Mistake #4: Invalidating their emotions
Everyone experiences emotions, and people with BPD experience them in spades – that is the very
nature of emotional dysregulation. Dr. Marsha Linehan, the inventor of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
(DBT), contends that BPD is caused by the “biosocial model,” in which there are both biological and
social factors that contribute to the development of BPD. The social component or “nurture” in this
model is called the “invalidating environment.” When a loved one of a person with BPD invalidates the
emotions of someone with BPD, the result is shame and mistrust in expressing their emotions. The
shame comes from thinking of the borderline that: “My loved one tells me I shouldn’t be this way, but I
feel this way anyway, so I must be broken.”


What is invalidation? Invalidation is essentially the expression of the idea that it is not OK to feel
particular emotions, especially primary ones, like fear, anger and sadness. One should not do any of the
following in an emotional conversation with a borderline at risk of being invalidating:

• Make it about you. “I hated it when that happened to me.”
• Try to one‐up the person. “Oh, you think you have it bad…”
• Tell them how they should feel. “You should feel blessed…”
• Try to give them advice. “What you really should do is…”
• Try to solve their problem. “I’m going to call that girl’s parents and…”
• Cheerlead (there is a time for this, but not now). “I know you can do it…”
• Make “life” statements. “Well, life’s not fair…”
• Make judgmental statements. “What you did was wrong…”
• Make “revisionist” statements. “If you had only…”
• Make it about your feelings. “How do you think that makes me feel?”
• Make “character” statements. “You’re too sensitive…”
• Rationalize another person’s behavior. “I bet they were just…”
• Call names. “You’re such a baby.”
• Use reason or the “facts.” “That’s not what happened…”
• Use “always” or “never” statements. “You always get yourself into these situations…”
• Compare the person to someone else. “Why can’t you be like your sister?”
• Label the person. “You’re nuts.”
• Advising to cut ties or ignore the situation. “Just ignore him.” Instead, learning to validate the person’s emotions is a very powerful tool and essential to relating

positively with someone with BPD. More on emotional validation is included (including a step‐by‐step
guide) in my book “When Hope is Not Enough.”


Mistake #5: Thinking that their behavior is about you
Most Non‐BPs come to my support list thinking something along the lines of “how is it possible that this person with BPD, who supposedly loves me, can behave toward me in such an abusive and disrespectful fashion?” In other words, the underlying feeling among “newbie” Non‐BPs is: “what about me?”
In reality, little of a person with BPD’s behavior is directed at the Non‐BP, whatever the appearances. In
my book, “When Hope is Not Enough,” I have developed a concept called “It’s all about his/her feelings”
or IAAHF. Many people misinterpret this concept – they think it has a negative connotation. In other
words, Non‐BPs think IAAHF means “it is never about my feelings,” yet that is not the intention of this
formulation. No, instead, the actual intention for the Non‐BP is quite a positive one. What it really
means is that all of the behavior, words and actions of a person with BPD are motivated by his/her
feelings. In other words: “it’s not about you.” Most of it is instead intended to quell the negative feelings
experienced by the borderline. Once this concept is fully understood, it can lead to more freedom for
the Non‐BP emotionally.

When someone with BPD behaves in a way that seems to be intended to harm you, think IAAHF and realize that the behavior is completely motivated by the desire to stop the negative/stormy emotions experienced by the person with BPD. She/he is going anything to stop the pain.

Communication Skills

Communication is a problem in many relationships. When someone has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), communicating basic feelings can seem impossible.
Very often a person who perceives a wrong or has a misunderstanding will believe that the situation must be addressed immediately. This is true for many, but especially for those with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Often this leads to immediate and emotion-charged confrontation where positive communication skills are not used.
BPD can increase the intensity and frequency of conflict, as those with BPD are often more sensitive to rejection and may experience situations as black or white. Relationships of all kinds are often conflict-laden, and a BP may tend to quickly react and confront someone who has hurt him or her.

No matter how clearly the person with BPD explains her feelings, friends and family members seem not to really understand what she is saying. Likewise, friends and family members may find that their simplest statements are being misunderstood – somehow distorted into something much different than they had intended. Everyone can end up defending themselves against something they had never realized they were saying.

As a result of these perpetual miscommunications, it is important that people with BPD and those in their lives (friends, family, clinicians) have:

1. Insight into her feelings and experiences
2. A general stated understanding of trust
3. A common vocabulary

"Feeling Statements” are one of the most powerful communication tools. Used correctly, they can remove much of the accusatory tone in your statement and allow you to express your point without automatically getting a defensive reaction.

There are 3 important components to an feeling statement:

1. Stating Your Feeling
This refers to stating your real feeling only, and it starts with the word "I": I feel ______________. The tendency when discussing feelings is to assign blame first while downplaying the feeling. For instance, people often say, “You Make Me So Mad”, which typically causes a defensive reaction from the other person at the first word. A feeling statement keeps the focus on the feeling of the speaker which is less likely to illicit a defensive reaction and more likely to promote effective communication.
2. Connecting the Feeling to an Issue
Once the feeling is stated, it should be connected to an issue or event: I feel angry, when I am alone and you are out with your friends. Although there is some mention of the other person’s behavior, the focus continues to be on the uncomfortable feeling experienced by the speaker. Ideally this allows the other person to focus on helping to alleviate the discomfort, rather than defending himself.
3. Stating What You Want to Have Happen
Finally, a solution should be given: I feel angry, when I am alone and you are out with your friends – I would like to be invited to be with you, even if you are with your friends. This solution may not be a real option, but does allow for discussion. The focus stays on the feeling, and the goal continues to be alleviating the uncomfortable feeling.

Using feeling statements takes practice, and it may be hard to use them consistently, especially at first. People with borderline personality disorder -- who so often have great difficulty being vulnerable and are not always clear regarding their feelings -- may find feeling statements extremely difficult. However, everybody can learn to use these and will benefit from the non-accusatory communication.
These tools will allow the person with BPD and those in her life to be more likely to effectively communicate.

When borderline personality disorder makes communication difficult, following the SET method may help. SET stands for support, empathy and truth. It was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus, the authors of I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me and Sometimes I Act Crazy.

Why SET Works
The symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD) can result in the BP asking for conflicting things or being unable to recognize that the another person cares for them, especially during times of stress. A person with BP may be unable to experience conflicting feelings at the same time, and tends to see things in black and white with very little shades of gray. As a result, the BP experiences her current feelings as being her persistent feelings.

SET allows friends and loved ones of people with BP to honestly and address the person's demands, assertions, or feelings, while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. It is important to do these steps in order, as each step builds upon the other.

Support
Support refers to an initial statement which indicates the loved one supports the person with borderline personality. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. It can be anything that establishes a foundation for the relationship or interaction: "I want to try to help you feel better," "I care about you," or "I am worried about how you are feeling."

The support statement is meant to reassure the BP that the relationship is a safe one, and that her needs matter even during this difficult moment.

Empathy
Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what the BP is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."


It is important not to tell the BP how she is feeling, but instead put her demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings she is having and that they are OK to have, thus validating her feelings. Without such a statement of empathy, the BP may feel that her feelings are not understood. It is important to use feeling words, as in the examples above.

Truth
Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the BPs role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the BP or Non-BP. Often the BP may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the BP, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do…," "This is what will happen…," "Remember when this happened before and how you felt so bad about it later."

It is important to use the support and empathy statements first, so that the BP is better able to hearwhat you are saying, otherwise the truth statement may be experienced as little more than another, and expected, rejection creating even more defensiveness or anger.

Validation and Support Are Not Agreement
When first learning about SET, it can seem that you are being asked to agree with the BP. It important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that the BP is feeling them. The supportive communication described in the SET model does not mean that you are letting the BP off the hook, instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.

It is vital that a person with BPD engage in relationships have a general foundation of trust. Only with this foundation can a relationship be successful. It is also important that the participants in the relationship develop insight and a common language. Once a person with BPD gains insight and skills to communicate effectively, she will be better able to establish and maintain positive relationships.

Anger As Communication
Communicating feelings can be one of the most difficult things a person can do. For the BP, it can seem impossible. To communicate feelings honestly, you must first be able to identify them, and then you must be comfortable expressing them.

For many, including some with borderline personality disorder, anger may be the only feeling that they are able to express, and, possibly, the only feeling they recognize having. Everyone has a range of feelings, even if they are are unaware of them. However, people cannot express what they can not identify and/or articulate.

Emotional Vocabulary
In order to identify feelings, a strong emotional vocabulary is needed. This allows people to better understand their feelings and the feelings of others. An emotional vocabulary provides names, definitions, and an understanding of the more subtle feelings involved in human interactions. Very often, BPs do not have a solid emotional vocabulary and experience the world in extremes of good or bad, happy or mad, love or hate.

An emotional vocabulary assists a person in making sense of the language of feelings. Like any language, the greater your vocabulary, the greater your ability to communicate. Imagine being dropped into the middle of a foreign country where you do not speak the language or understand the symbols. Once there, you are supposed to fit in, following all the rules, having relationships, and earning a living – all without knowing the language. At the very least, it is not easy. You would misunderstand and be misunderstood often.

For someone without an emotional vocabulary, relating to others is like trying to communicate, but being unable to speak or understand the language.

Anger’s Role in Communciation
Anger is an emotion that most everyone learns to feel and express from an early age. Anger does not have to be subtle; it often comes on strong and overwhelms.

For those with a limited emotional vocabulary, often the case for the BP, anger may be the only means of communication. It may be the only way to express or experience difficult feelings including fear, rejection, insecurity, disappointment, frustration, anxiety, and shame. In the best of situations, anger can be easier to access, easier to express than other emotions. Anger can be expressed without feeling vulnerable, and, for the BP, vulnerability is not safe.

Alone In Anger
Anger can be safest feeling to experience and express, yet also the loneliest. For the BP, anger can be isolating. It often seems to come out of nowhere, exploding into a rage. Furious, the BP accuses and threatens, unable to be calmed. As soon as it appears, the anger is often gone; it is as if the anger never existed.

When Jeanette and the group they were out with changed the planned restaurant, Jeanette’s sister, Pam, became furious. Despite this being a group decision, Pam insisted that it was not what everyone wanted, but that Jeanette was inserting her own plan. In the midst of her anger, Pam threatens to go home, but the group is content to change plans and go on without her. Pam silently follows them into the restaurant. She stews in her anger for almost an hour while everyone else, used to her angry outbursts, enjoys their meal and the company. As suddenly as her anger came, it goes away and Pam starts enjoying the dinner and her companions as if nothing had happened.
It seems ironic that the BP’s anger pushes people away when that is precisely what so many BP’s fear. Then again, the anger is often the only way the BP can communicate fear or disappointment.
Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the most troubling symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD). It is so intense that it is often referred to as “borderline rage.” While anger is a key feature of BPD, very little is known about why people with BPD experience anger differently than other people or even how this experience is different. New research, however, is shedding light on the nature of borderline rage.

What is Borderline Anger?
Borderline anger is more than just a standard emotional reaction. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), anger in BPD is described as “inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).”

Clinically, anger in BPD is called “inappropriate,” because the level of anger seems to be more intense than is warranted by the situation or event that triggered it. For example, a person with BPD may react to an event that may seem small or unimportant to someone else (e.g., a misunderstanding) with very strong feelings of anger and unhealthy expressions of anger (e.g., yelling, being sarcastic or becoming physically violent).

Anger As a Protection
For the BP, anger may be a protection from threats that she has not yet recognized. Life is like a minefield, a constant source of hazards. It can be that she uses anger as a protection for all interactions until she is able to determine that no threat exists: a “shoots first, ask questions later” approach. The anger is a protection from being vulnerable to additional pain from difficult feelings.

Anger As a Defense
Anger can also be an active response to a threat. A common issue for those with BPD is a fear of abandonment and significant difficulty relating to others. It can feel as if there are constant attacks that must be defended against. The anger can be an attempt to defend oneself: an attempt to respond to the attacks, to fight back and make the hurt go away. The anger response may be meant to keep others from hurting the BP more: “You can’t hurt me, if I hurt you first”.


Research on Borderline Anger
While borderline anger has long been a topic of debate and speculation among BPD specialists, it has only recently become a topic of careful research. Researchers are now examining how borderline anger is different than normal anger and why it occurs. For example, researchers are now trying to understand whether it is that people with BPD are more easily angered, have more intense anger responses or have more prolonged anger responses than people without BPD (or whether it is some combination of these factors).

For example, a recent study examined anger in people with BPD compared to people without BPD (healthy controls) in response to an anger-producing story. This study found that people with BPD reported the same level of anger as the healthy controls in response to the story, but that the healthy controls reported that their anger decreased more quickly over time than the people with BPD reported. So it may not be that people with BPD have a stronger anger reaction, but that their anger has a much longer duration than other people experience.

Research in this area is very preliminary, and much more work is needed to fully understand how and why people with BPD experience borderline anger.

How Is Borderline Anger Treated?
Psychotherapy
Most psychotherapies for BPD target the strong anger responses that people with BPD report and exhibit. For example, in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), patients are taught skills to help them better manage their anger and decrease angry outbursts. Other types of psychotherapy for BPD, including schema focused therapy, transference focused therapy and mentalization based therapy, target anger as well.

Medications
While there are no medications for BPD that are currently FDA approved to treat the disorder, there are some that have been shown to reduce anger in BPD. BPD medications, however, are probably most effective when used in conjunction with psychotherapy.


Taking A Break
Confronting a person who has hurt you when you are acutely feeling the hurt is not always a good thing to do. Waiting until the emotion has cleared a bit can actually facilitate a more positive interaction and lasting change. The break gives you a chance to get some perspective, step away from the negative feelings, think about what the real purpose of the conversation is, and how to proceed. Confronting a person immediately can trigger additional negative thoughts or feelings, including anger, thereby increasing the level of conflict.

Waiting until the emotion clears also gives you a chance to determine what the real or larger issue is. Unless the larger issue is addressed, you will continue to experience smaller symptoms or examples of it. In other words, if you feel taken for granted in general, then each example of being taken for granted can trigger a conflict. It is better to deal with the feeling of being taken for granted on a larger scale than confronting each occasion separately.

Set up a plan to step away from a conflict, cool off a bit, and get some perspective. Try giving yourself a time out of a least 30 minutes, during which time you must not engage with the person who has hurt you. Once the time out or break is over, have a focused and effective conversation about how you feel and what can be done to keep those feelings from being triggered.

Borderline relationships are often tumultuous and chaotic. The effects of borderline personality disorder (BPD) on family members, friends, romantic partners, and children can be very broad, and are often devastating for loved ones. In this article, learn more about how BPD symptoms can affect relationships, and how treatment can help.

The Impact of Symptoms on Borderline Relationships
Many of the symptoms of BPD can have direct impact on relationships, and other symptoms have an indirect (but not necessarily less disruptive) influence.

For example, one of the symptoms of BPD listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) is “a pattern of unstable and intense personal relationships…” This symptom has a clear and direct impact on borderline relationships; if you have a loved one with BPD you may be familiar with the turbulent ups and downs that are characteristic of their relationships.

Another BPD symptom that impacts relationships directly is called “abandonment sensitivity.” People with BPD have intense abandonment fears, which can lead them to be constantly vigilant for signs that someone may leave them, and to interpret even a minor event as a sign that abandonment is imminent (resulting in frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, such as pleading, and even physically attempting to restrain others).

The combination of unstable, intense relationships and fear of abandonment leads to a real roller coaster. People with BPD are often terrified that others will leave them. But, they can shift suddenly to feeling smothered by and fearful of intimacy, which leads them to withdraw (often in dramatic ways) from relationships. The result is a constant back-and-forth between pleas for love or attention and sudden withdrawal or isolation.

Other symptoms of BPD, including impulsivity, self-harm, and dissociative symptoms, can have an indirect impact on borderline relationships. For example, if a loved one with BPD is engaging in impulsive behavior, such as going on spending sprees, it can cause major issues within the family.

Trust and Safety in Borderline Relationships
One very serious problem that can arise in borderline relationships is the issue of violence. Because people with BPD experience very strong emotions and often lack impulse control, they are more prone to committing violent acts in relationships.

Another common complaint of loved ones in borderline relationships is lying. While lying and deception are not part of the formal diagnostic criteria of BPD (although, these are part of the diagnostic criteria for a related disorder antisocial personality disorder), many loved ones say lying is one of their biggest concerns.


Emotional Instability:
One of the key features of borderline personality disorder is emotional instability (also called emotional lability or affective dysregulation). People with BPD experience a lot of dramatic shifts in their emotional states. They may feel okay one moment but feel extremely angry, sad, lonely, afraid, jealous, or shameful moments later.

Also, the emotional shifts typical of someone with BPD are very intense and frequent. Everyone has emotional changes every now and then. But, people with BPD experience mood changes that are very dramatic and very severe, so much so that they significantly impact work, school, relationships, or other areas of functioning. They also happen consistently (more than just every once in a while) and over the course of years.

Finally, in addition to the mood changes, people who have BPD also have other problems with emotions. For example, they tend to feel less positive emotions than other people. They also report chronic feelings of emptiness, or times when they feel nothing inside.

Impulsivity:
Impulsivity is a tendency to act quickly without thinking about the consequences of your actions. Impulsive behavior usually occurs in reaction to some event that has caused you to have some kind of emotional response.

For example, imagine you are waiting in line at the bank and someone cuts in front of you. If you were to act on an impulse, you might immediately behave aggressively toward that person (e.g., yelling, or even becoming violent), without thinking about the consequence of this kind of behavior (e.g., being escorted out of the bank or even arrested).

It is important to note that occasional impulsive behavior is not necessarily indicative of a diagnosis of BPD. Everyone acts impulsively from time to time. Only when this type of behavior becomes either frequent or serious (e.g., dangerous), is it considered problematic.


What are Some Examples of Impulsive Behaviors?
Some examples of impulsive behaviors include:

•Going on spending sprees
•Driving recklessly
•Promiscuous sex
•Binge eating
•Yelling, shouting, or screaming at others
•Threatening to harm others
•Destroying property
•Shoplifting
•Getting in physical fights with people
Can Impulsivity Be Treated?
Yes. Many treatments for BPD have components that target impulsivity. For example, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) focuses on building skills that will help you to reduce your impulsive behaviors.

Mindfulness, which is a skill taught in DBT, can help you to stay more aware of your actions so that you can take time to consider consequences. Mindfulness can help you to make healthier decisions about how to respond to events around you.

Medications may also help with impulsivity, but are probably most effective when used in conjunction with psychotherapy.

Splitting/Black & White Thinking:
Caring about someone who has borderline personality disorder (BPD) is often really difficult, and it can be particularly difficult when your loved one engages in what clinicians refer to as “splitting.”

What is splitting? It is a by-product of the dichotomous thinking (or black and white thinking) that is commonly a problem for people with BPD. For an in depth description of splitting, see the article "What is Splitting?"

Identifying Splitting
Does your loved one engage in splitting? Here are some signs that they are splitting:

•Frequently having friends who are “on the outs” and others who seem to be put “on a pedestal”


•Causing rifts between family members by engaging in behaviors that turn family members against each other


•Having a lot of ups and downs in relationships -- such as, one minute saying that they love or need a person, moments later communicating anger or even hatred toward that person
How to Manage Splitting
What should you do when a loved one is engaged in splitting? There isn’t always an easy answer -— the best way to manage the situation will depend the nature of your relationship with your loved one, the intensity of the splitting, and the impact it is having on the family. However, there are some basic principles you can follow to manage splitting:

Cultivate Empathy. It is very hard to be understanding when a loved one is behaving in a way that is causing conflict for you and your family. However, trying to be empathic can help you manage the situation.

Remind yourself that the splitting behavior is part of a disorder. While splitting can seem very intentional and manipulative, your loved one is not doing this to gain satisfaction. They are just trying to survive in an internal world that is terrifying. This doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate the splitting, but it may give you insight into what they are going through.

Try Your Best To Manage Your Own Behavior. When a loved one with BPD is engaging in splitting, you may have very strong emotional reactions. For example, if the splitting is causing lots of family conflict, you may be feeling angry, resentful and fearful. However, it is important that no matter how upset you are feeling, you must keep your behavior under control. Yelling or engaging in hostile behavior will not help the situation or make your loved one see how destructive their behavior is.

Sometimes the best thing you can do in a splitting situation is to remind your family member or friend that you care about them. People with BPD are often terrified of being rejected or abandoned, and many of their behaviors, like splitting, may result from the intense emotions that come from this rejection sensitivity. Often, knowing that you care about them will reduce the splitting behavior.

Maintain Lines of Communication. When someone is engaging in splitting within the family, the best thing you can do is to keep lines of communication within the family open. For example, if an adolescent with BPD is causing conflict between parents, the parents should talk about the situation and what is happening, rather than closing off from one another.

Set Boundaries and Limits. There will be some times when you will need to set limits about behavior you will tolerate and behavior that is unacceptable. For example, you may decide that you will not tolerate your loved one telling you that they hate you, and that if they do that you will need to take a break from communicating with them for a predetermined amount of time. Communicate your expectations about this.

It is also important to set good boundaries and not become so involved in your loved one’s struggles that your own health suffers. Remember that caring for someone with BPD can be a tremendous burden, and that becoming so involved that you become a less effective caregiver will not help anyone. Again, the nature of the boundaries you create will depend on your relationship with your loved one (for example, parents of adolescents with BPD will need to be more involved because they are responsible for the emotional and physical well-being of their child).

Of course, in some cases, the limits will need to be more drastic. Sometimes family members and friends decide that they cannot continue to have a relationship with the loved one with BPD. This is an incredibly painful decision for everyone involved, but it can also be the most healthy choice in some situations. This is a decision that is best made with the help of a professional.



We communicate constantly, and tend to assume that what we are communicating is what we mean to communicate. Often this is the case. However, sometimes, especially during difficult conversations or misunderstandings, the meaning gets lost in the delivery and the ending conversation has little to do with the original meaning.

Learning effective communication skills can greatly improve communications in all your relationships, and generally reduce the level of conflict. It is important that, as much as possible, both participants have the same ground rules for communicating.


1. Trust
You must first choose to trust yourself and your ability to trust others. For effective communication to occur, there must be a general level of trust between the parties, this is especially true for personal and intimate relationships. In general, the more intimate the relationship, the greater level of trust is needed. For example, if you do not trust your partner, you will not be able to be vulnerable, relay your disappointment, or ask things from him/her. In other words, without trust you will not be able to communicate what you really want to say, nor will you be able to hear what is being said to you.
2. Breathe
It is important to remember to breathe during conversations, especially difficult ones. All to often anger or fear take over and we stop breathing and stop communicating effectively. Making sure to take slow deep breaths is a way to keep the level of negative emotion down and effective communication up.

3. Stay Present
It is important to stay focused on the topic at hand. There is a tendency to bring in past issues to defend or accuse, but this must be avoided. Bringing up the past does nothing but confuse and deflect the issue at hand. Remember the past cannot be changed, so bringing it up does nothing but add fuel to a potentially combustible discussion.

4. Really Listen
All to often listening is the last thing that we are doing when the other person is talking. During arguments, we often are simply waiting for our time to speak, or just looking out for the other person to say something that can really be jumped on. If effective communication is going to take place we have to really listen to try to understand what the other person is saying, even if it is something that we may not like. Listening, and repeating what you heard being said, is the best way to ensure that you have actually “heard” what was intended.

5. Try to Understand Other Point of View
Even when you do not agree with what the other person is saying, it is important to try to understand their point of view. It may be a tendency to think of “understanding” as “agreeing”, but these are two very different ideas. By understanding the other person’s point of view, you are simply moving toward resolution and effective communication. You cannot communicate your point of view without understanding where the other person is coming from. Imagine someone trying to communicate with you, when they do not understand your point of view.

6. I Statements
"I Statements" are one of the most powerful tools in communication. Used correctly they remove any accusatory tone in your statement and allow you to express your point without getting a defensive reaction. There are 3 important components to an I Statement: (1) Stating your feeling, (2) Connecting the feeling to an issue, and (3) Stating what you want to have happen. As an example, instead of saying, “You don’t let me say what I want to do”, say “I feel frustrated when we talk about making plans and I don’t get to say what I want to do, I want us to both to have input”.

7. Take a Break
Sometimes it is important to take a break and not continue the conversation. The break gives everyone a chance to get some perspective, step away from the negative feelings, think about what the real purpose of the conversation is, and how to proceed. All too often people will start talking about one thing which triggers negative thoughts or feelings, leading them to start arguing about something else altogether. People also spend a great deal of time looking for resolution in a discussion, when no real resolution is possible. Taking a break gives permission to stop the conversation once the point has been made.

8. Do Not Focus on “Winning”
Very often, especially when arguing, people focus on winning, or being right, which tends to mean that they are asking the other person to admit that he/she was wrong. You may also find yourself reacting the feeling that you are being told that you are “wrong” when arguing. When people focus on winning, others tend to experience this as having his/her feelings or perspective discounted or disrespected. This is only going to lead to defensiveness and escalation from both parties. Instead focus on understanding the perspectives and not being right or winning.

9. Know What Your Purpose Is
When having a discussion with someone it is important to know what your purpose of the communication is. Although you cannot change others, change the past, or control the future, this may often be your purpose. If your goal is something that you are not in control of, communication is going to be frustrating to say the least. Remember that often the only reason to communicate your feelings is to give them a voice. It is responsibility of the other person to choose to take action if they want to help you feel better.

10. Admit Your Responsibility
We all make mistakes. Sometimes we even hurt those we care about most. Allow yourself to recognize and acknowledge the less than admirable things that you do. If you hurt someone, even if you did not mean to, accept this and apologize. Once you have accepted the responsibility, the real communication can begin. It is important to remember that hurting someone, or making mistakes, does not make you a “bad” person, nor can you always have someone immediately stop feeling hurt just because you apologized.


For some with BPD, relationships--no matter how intimate--are difficult. As a result, they are full of conflict, sometimes even physical violence. For others, the level of relationship conflict increases with the level of intimacy.

However, BPs can have successful relationships, but the anger, fear of abandonment, rejection senstivity, poor self-esteem, and other symptoms can challenge even those most committed to caring for them. The BP should look for a partner who understands her illness and supports her efforts to heal.

thisislabor wrote:why is this in the BPD forum alone, this should also be sitting in the HPD forum according to my therapist. much of the stuff about emotions is exactly the same topics I discuss with my therapist.

btw, Alice you have put an amazing amount of work into your recovery and amazing amount of work on this forum in general. i just wanted to point that out.

- Thisislabor.

There is an unfortunate overlap between the criteria on DSM-III for histrionic personality and for the borderline category. These criteria suggest a close relationship between the two in which the borderline group might be considered to be a more dysfunctional variant. Thus both groups tend to be dependent, manipulative, and affectively expressive.

There is greater stability and better function with the HPD group. The criteria for both suicidal behavior and psychotic experiences will no longer be used to characterize the histrionic group. More critically, the central role of sexuality in the regulation of self-esteem and its overt interpersonal expressions in seductiveness, erotization, and rivalry with members of the same sex should become criteria for the histrionic group.

The histrionic patient is not predominantly angry as with the borderline patient. Moreover, the histrionic patient may experience some periods of sustained well-being and pleasure.

HPD is a chronic, often life-long pattern of maladaptive behavior, characterized by excessive emotional expression and attention-seeking behavior. Individuals with HPD tend to be flirtatious, demanding of attention, seductive, but emotionally shallow. They are prone to impulsive and dramatic displays of emotion and are easily influenced by others. HPD individuals find it difficult to delay gratification, and are often crushed by what they perceive as rejection; this can lead to serious depressive bouts and even suicidal gestures. Horawitz

Histrionic personality disorder (or HPD) is a personality disorder that may co-occur with borderline personality disorder (BPD). There is a great deal of overlap between BPD and HPD features, so much so that some experts believe that HPD may not actually be distinguishable from BPD.

How Often do HPD and BPD Co-Occur?
There are only a few studies that have examined the co-occurrence of HPD and BPD. One particularly rigorous study found that about 15 percent of patients with BPD also meet the diagnostic criteria for HPD. In another study that used a community sample, about 10 percent of people with BPD also met criteria for HPD.

Are Histrionic Personality Disorder and BPD Distinct Disorders?
There is marked overlap between the symptoms of HPD and BPD. For example, both share the features of rapidly shifting and reactive emotions, both are associated with impulsive behavior, and both are characterized by very strong expression of emotion.

While some clinicians argue that the qualities of these symptoms are different in HPD versus BPD (for example, that the rapidly shifting emotions in HPD are not experienced with the same depth and intensity as those in BPD), other experts have argued that HPD and BPD are not necessarily distinct disorders.

The DSM-IV criteria for HPD and BPD overlap to a great extent (this is called convergence), which makes some researchers wonder whether it is accurate or useful to keep these as two separate diagnostic categories. The next edition of the DSM (the DSM-V) is expected to address some of these problems in the personality disorder diagnostic categories. Preliminary drafts of the DSM-V do not include HPD.