Is constant cheating a BPD trait?

Posted in the npd forum for advice regarding trying to end an affair with a possible n. Other posters mentioned that Ns are are attracted to BPDs, and I should think about whether I may have any BPD traits.
I am curious as to whether infidelity and poor impulse control regarding sex is something that BPDs tend to do?

Searching the forum would produce some answers:

borderline-personality/topic92308.html
borderline-personality/topic57511.html
borderline-personality/topic64994.html

Of course, Bs don't hold a monopoly. However, from what I've read here it sounds like it's more prevalent.

I'm not trying to speak for Bs. I just know how annoying it is to be asked the same basic "is it true" questions. (I feel slightly responsible for you asking your question.).

On google you can search for "infidelity cheating" (in the "any of these words" field) and limit the search to this domain. You'll see a lot more. You have to click "settings" at the bottom right, then "advanced search." Put "www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality" in the domain field. Example.

abacaxi84 wrote:Posted in the npd forum for advice regarding trying to end an affair with a possible n. Other posters mentioned that Ns are are attracted to BPDs, and I should think about whether I may have any BPD traits.
I am curious as to whether infidelity and poor impulse control regarding sex is something that BPDs tend to do?

Hi abacaxi84

I am a man diagnosed with BPD and I have been an outrageous cheat over the years.

In me it stems from having low self-esteem and needing to feel desired and craving that inimitable rush of being wanted by more than one person.

All that said, I can't say for sure that my infidelity is a consequence of my Borderline or whether I simply have questionable morals! Which makes this question a tricky one to answer. Additionally, of course, cheating is rife amongst the general population.

Quite sure I haven't helped at all, but you're welcome!

I'm a BPD and I stay faithful because I idealize my partner so much. When things get really bad and I devalue I am more tempted to cheat, but, I tend to automatically devalue potential partners as soon as they express interest in me. I've always been disgusted by it (probably stems from my history of childhood sexual abuse). Once I devalue that guy I start feeling guilty and go back to idealizing my partner. That probably also is a product of my abuse—I want to stay with a person I feel safe in bed with. I'd like to think that regardless of my past I'm a moral person, but who knows. Maybe if I didn't need to protect the sanctity of my body so much I wouldn't attach so hard to my partner or reject advances. Mine is a special case but it's relevant in that the abuse caused my BPD; it's all tied together.

@Journeyman, that sounds somewhat similar to my own pattern, despite the gender difference.
I have low self-esteem, so I find it ridiculously exciting if another guy expresses an interest. Initually, the infidelity is all about the rush of feeling wanted, as you describe, but then I get overly attached to the guy in question after having sex. The kind of men who go after women in relationships, however, are invariably just looking for sex, so I then end up feeling used when the guy predictably cools off.
The net result of these encounters is to make me feel 10 times worse self-esteem wise, and also very guilty regarding the cheating (although the guilt always comes much later, as during an affair I am able to compartmentalise and not feel remorse because I am so focused on that rush of being wanted).
I did tell my long term partner about my many infidelities and told him that we should break up, as there was a high chance that I'd just end up doing again. He wanted me to stay and try to make it work, so I am now trying to address my self destructive cycle of cheating.

abacaxi84 wrote:@Journeyman, that sounds somewhat similar to my own pattern, despite the gender difference.
I have low self-esteem, so I find it ridiculously exciting if another guy expresses an interest. Initually, the infidelity is all about the rush of feeling wanted, as you describe, but then I get overly attached to the guy in question after having sex. The kind of men who go after women in relationships, however, are invariably just looking for sex, so I then end up feeling used when the guy predictably cools off.
The net result of these encounters is to make me feel 10 times worse self-esteem wise, and also very guilty regarding the cheating (although the guilt always comes much later, as during an affair I am able to compartmentalise and not feel remorse because I am so focused on that rush of being wanted).
I did tell my long term partner about my many infidelities and told him that we should break up, as there was a high chance that I'd just end up doing again. He wanted me to stay and try to make it work, so I am now trying to address my self destructive cycle of cheating.

Hi again abacaxi84

I wanted to add that there have been exceptions to this pattern in my lifetime.

I've remained entirely loyal to 2 partners and there was a common denominator: they both made me laugh. I mean really laugh. The reason that I mention this is because I believe that we all have our kryptonite. Again, I'm not sure whether BPD sufferers are inherently more likely to cheat. However, if you find someone who offers that certain something, in my experience fidelity is far more likely.

I ruined both relationships with my absurd jealousy of course, but that's a whole other thread!

abacaxi84 wrote:Posted in the npd forum for advice regarding trying to end an affair with a possible n. Other posters mentioned that Ns are are attracted to BPDs, and I should think about whether I may have any BPD traits.
I am curious as to whether infidelity and poor impulse control regarding sex is something that BPDs tend to do?

I have actually read more about infidelity among Histrionic people. The thrilled and the being wanted, all that sounds similar to that too.

Sea

Aren't Histronics overly emotional in general and enjoy being the centre of attention though? I am slow to open up to people, do not like being the centre of attention, and I am generally emotionally cold in my interactions with people until I get to know them very well, and I even then I'll maintain a sort of arms length distance. For instance, I've never been a fan of standard social physical contact, hugging, etc, even where close friends and family are concerned. This sort of makes it bizarre that I have this need for sexual validation from men. It's only really in the context of these affairs that I get emotional about anything, as in every other context I am pretty closed off.

Truth too late wrote:Searching the forum would produce some answers:

borderline-personality/topic92308.html
borderline-personality/topic57511.html
borderline-personality/topic64994.html

Of course, Bs don't hold a monopoly. However, from what I've read here it sounds like it's more prevalent.

I'm not trying to speak for Bs. I just know how annoying it is to be asked the same basic "is it true" questions. (I feel slightly responsible for you asking your question.).

This x1000. For the love of Dog, the search bar exists for a reason!!!!

Also, for the record, I'm not a cheater. Never have, never will. I may be f'ed up, but I'm not an immoral person.

Well, personally I don't get too offended by "is it true" or questions from Nons, because I don't overidentify with the BPD label. it may explain a portion of my behaviors, but i'm an individual first and foremost, and BPD does not define or explain me 100%.

back to the question, I can only speak for myself, but no, I do not "constantly cheat."

I try hard to be the ideal partner, especially while I am idealizing my SO. not to say I have never cheated, but when I did, I was wracked with remorse and guilt. and the cheating had more to do with my abandonment anxiety, and fears/suspicions my SO was cheating (often true), triangulation, attempting to diminish my dependence on him, trying to stabilize my mood, etc. it was never hedonistic, like being horny and wanting an orgasm. there were always deeper, distorted emotional/perceptual reasons for it. and it has only happened 2 or 3 times in my lifetime.

cheating is something I generally abhor and avoid and will probably never do again. I see it as part of my twisted past.