Cheating and instability

I have been with a man for the last year that in the beginning I LOVE LOVED LOVED. I loved his creativity, the fact that he is an artist, and many things about him seemed to mesh with my worldview. However, I do and have had an issue with splitting him into either a complete amazing guy or completely someone that will ultimately well...leave me. I have been for the last year while with him checking on my ex daily by looking at his blog, his facebook and ultimately not letting him go. My ex is the only man I have ever lived with and also someone I ended the relationship over pretty superficial things. My issue is this. Over the last year it became hard for me to not try and see my ex. A few weeks ago I decided (against my better judgement) to see him. I saw him and HOLY cow the attraction that wasn't there in our relationship was suddenly there. I was reallly freaked out that only a year had passed and I now found this man attractive. So, i saw him a few more times to figure out my position and I kissed him. Well, made out with him. Which did not make me feel any better as I hate to hurt the guy I am with now. I have this horrible unrelenting fear however of letting my current SO go. I really dont want to but why then would I make out with my ex?

I am wondering has anyone known cheating or this specific kind of situation to be caused in part by BPD. This is perplexing me.

Yes, I have always cheated. Like most people say cheating has to do with intimacy issues/self esteem ones.

In my experience, while I can't blame bpd for my infidelity, it's part of the explanation as to why... The low self esteem, the fear of abandonment, the need to fill the always empty void, the high that comes from the feeling of chemistry with someone new, the inability to regulate my impulses properly... It all had a factor in my choosing to cheat. But I was still ultimately responsible, as a married adult, to know better.

Yeah it feels like at times sometimes I am being pulled to do it. Like it is so hard to control this behavior. It always happens though towards the end of the relationship. I think I must in some weird way do it to convince myself to break up with the person. SIGH!

"in some weird way"

You better learn why it's not weird. It's exactly "normal" for us.


Getting more versed, in your subconscious drives.......is pretty key to having a chance at controlling your behaviour. And your emotions.

miss_taken wrote:In my experience, while I can't blame bpd for my infidelity, it's part of the explanation as to why... The low self esteem, the fear of abandonment, the need to fill the always empty void, the high that comes from the feeling of chemistry with someone new, the inability to regulate my impulses properly... It all had a factor in my choosing to cheat. But I was still ultimately responsible, as a married adult, to know better.

miss_taken you really summed it up for me, as to my strong need and want to cheat.

I've been with my hubby for over 10 years now, omg! and if I meet someone I'm really into I have to have them, the desire is so strong. Fortunately they haven't wanted me so I haven't been in a position where I have been unfaithful.

I did have a very drunken night out with my sister and we ended up going back to a house party where I stopped the act as soon as it started. Other than that I've never been able to indulge my desires.

strange, i have never wanted to cheat on anyone, infact quite the oposite. i gues bpd manifests it self in diferent ways.

I think it definitely has to do with the BPD. I went for years and never cheated on my husband (I was too busy raising babies to act on it for a long time), but then when the BPD went into full swing ), it was like uncontrollable. It's called not being able to control impulsive behavior and that's part of the problem with those of us with BPD. The parts of our brains that control emotions and impulsivity do not work. Instead of working the way they are supposed to, in order to control our emotional intensity and impulsive behavior, we have to learn to use the cognitive side of our brain to control them. That's why CBT and DBT are the best treatment for us. They teach you how to mindfully control impulses and emotions.

I know exactly where you are coming from though. The intensity can be so great, but once you are back with your ex, you will find that the attraction leaves as quickly as it comes because there were reasons he was your ex. These things will overshadow any of the lust you are feeling right now and the attraction will be gone again. Doesn't sound like the person you are with is everything you want either though. I have lived this same scenario over and over and over again. Been there done that.