Those of you who have read this blog will know that asking for help is something of a nightmare for me and that I have painted myself into a corner over the last few years.
Forunately few of you know that in the last few weeks, as liberation looms, I have been suffering a living nightmare of my childhood horrors. And having to beat them again (or if that for the first time?)
The unfortunate thing is I have let my nightmares affect how I interact with people who have had a positive effect upon me here. Causing at least one fellow member here to flee back into their living nightmares from which I was trying to help them to escape.
Perhaps it was my delusions of grandeur leading me to believe I was assisting these members. But the pain I have caused these members is real.
I wish I could fix the problems I have caused. I don't think that is possible. I clearly betrayed at least one fragile trust and destroyed the beginnings of a friendship.
So to those members I have tortured I apologise. Unreservedly. You'll know who you are, if you read this.
If I can help in any way, I hope you will let me know.

I shoulda learnt by now.
Really I shoulda learnt
But I can't help wondering why am I not worth the trouble? And why haven't I learnt not to try?
Stupidity really not to have learnt. I'm not worth the trouble.
After all if mother dearest can see the bruises she was inflicting upon me, I can honestly suspect others could too. But they chose not to trouble themselves with seeing it didn't happen twice.
Instead they ask what's wrong with you ? Even today they ask what's wrong with you ? And I flash back to the first time she thrashed me. Perhaps mentally seeing the bruises she inflicted develop, for asking for help learning the alphabet,
And yet I keep asking for help. Why? It's insanity!
I shoulda learnt! Really I shoulda learnt. Particularly as I can go without human interaction. Why do I keep seeking assistance ?
After all I'm not worth the trouble ! Never have been......

The other day I was sharing a drink (alas not an Ozuo) with a prison warder who informed me that is this part of the world convicted transgender people are confined in the prison of their birth gender.

Irrespective of how far along the process and even after surgery they go to the prison of birth gender. Which apparently arc's up the rest of the inmates.

She said she had seen three transgender people in her prison. And reckoned none ended well!......

If you can't imagine the meaning of not well ending, just imagine what happens when someone with the extra orifice is compelled in an exclusively male jail!

Compounding this the recently elected state government has just removed all funding for the gay safe sex message! So one, selfishly, wonders where the transgender people in this part of the word will end up being treated! Legally!

About an hour after writing the last blog I remembered that I had not set the permissions to allow comments. So before I get pm's telling me that they can not comment. If you really feel the need to comment, do so here. And consider them applicable to the entry below.

In the last few weeks I have been allowing the girl coming to the collect me close. I have to. It's something of a challenge. But I actually finding it relatively pleasant. That I seem to have found an (computer) operating system with which I am happy helps.

Anyhow just minutes ago in just for fun I ran into a question which has me cringing. Clearly for me it is a trigger. But why pets should not cause problems? They have done nothing wrong.

I don't understand. And I have to get out of here.

See yer, probably tomorra.