So; Im getting better… I mean; really better…
I mean; God is in the for front; just as he was as when I was a kid… God is first. And that has happened.
When I go outside. Im doing random acts of Kindness; thats perdy much all my interest outside… dealing with the human race experience in society or culture… I tell all the plants and trees and bushes and grass that I love them; each one every time I go by them.
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I use a rock and put it out in front of me and its a present that represents someone I know and I pray for them… and leave the rock to God; showing God its a gift to one of his creatures that I have prayed for.
Ill pick up one piece of garbage as a random act of kindness.
Ill create smiling faces in the dirt while Im riding my bike as random act of kindness for those who come after me.
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Ill write sticky notes that say God loves you go talk to him; with a smiley face and leave them randomly around the town.
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Ill clean up a 2 foot area on a side walk as a random act of kindness.
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Ill wave to everyone I see on my bike generally; each person a random act of kindness…
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And Ill learn other things to do as time goes on. But will all of these things; thats what I do outside.
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Ill also help old people when I see them and maybe sad person maybe; if it feels right; and so on….
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So; That is all God; and in the beam of light and power of Gods realm.
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And from that I gain Gods power.
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For God is the only power; there is no other power…
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IT is said in my meetings that I am to help the Alcoholic in the meetings; that is how I stay off alcohol.
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NOTE: Ive perdy much told everything there is to tell someone about myself; who I am; Ive told to meetings with mixed groups men and women. Im basically free. I can continue to tell people Im bashful with women and other things but I have…
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NOTE; Im starting to react to women and talk to them in meetings. And Im starting to see a major quantum shift of how Im looked at and treated in the outside world; Many more people are looking at me and responding to me; especially women; its crazy. Its like; suddenly they see me and like me or they are more pleasant around me; I guess thats a merrier of my accessibility for them to me.
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Suddenly Im wanting to go to my synthesizer in my apartment and play my music again in my apartment.
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I slept a little today; and got up and was inline with playing my synthesizer again. Its been many months.
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Its a sign Im coming out of the dissociative state Ive been in for a very long time as Ive worked through God things and relational things I was struggling with.
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As I mentioned; at a personal level; Im starting to react to women in my groups who are bossy. This is so very important.
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Car; Im very close to cars right now. I was thinking of a car I saw for sale; it caught me off guard; but it was not completely aligned with my higher power; I was not able to establish a support system for the car with my higher powers help. And that was an interesting attempt.
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But I was not; and I need that before I get a car. And God knows I wont budge without it or he wont allow me to.
This could mean; having the money to take care of engine problems when they come up; and a mechanic. But it simply means the maintenance problems. That is not fulfilled yet. Ill have to keep praying for that I guess. Its this other part of the equation concerning cars right now… .
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FAMILY: Ive been imagining having a wife and children and house and car; Im on the sofa with my wife jumping up n down on me with my children jumping up n down on me as Im looking out the window of my house onto my car out in front; and its growing… My wife starts cooking for us; as my children are playing in front of me and they call to me; DAD; and I pull them over the sofa and play with them; and outside; I see the sprinkler in the front lawn and the flowers and bus...

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Love; To Love everything; To have Jesus back as my focus and love; to love everything. When that love grows enough and takes over; Then Im ready to love another; and they will show up; And that will be my girlfriend; I assume. Im not sure if she will be the first or the 5th. I may start with one to start with. Its up to God; I have to learn to love.
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This time; I tell them completely who I am and I tell them how I feel and make them my girlfriend and go from there and talk to them about who I am and what I want this time…
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Sexual abuse; This is in the way; so is the perpetrator. However; the way things are going; God will conquer this. God will conquer this. God will conquer this… God will conquer this.
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But its not done yet. And it must; I must become complete… So; I wait and work with God and earn this by getting on my knees to God… over n over n over…
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CAR; NO!
Not until God supplies the support network for it. I thought about it but God was not on my side with it. So NO!
I wait and keep working with God…
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OK God…
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I know women that are attractive and appear something to desire; but they have already destroyed any other interaction with them. They are using their looks against me. They are not my friends; they are weapons they are using against me; to destroy my desires. They are playing me; No problem; I must learn abundance and work with God on this.
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It is my inner being I listen to and my inner being does not want me with any of these women. They are dangerous and satanic. I will not do anything against my higher power and inner being…
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So; ill be working with my inner being and higher power to learn how to love. Love is the key. God will build my ability to love everything and everyone. Its already happening.
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So; love is the number one thing. I silently and quietly build under God. Love is powerful. Kindness ; Random acts of kindness; Million ways… and that is what Im quietly practicing. Love is powerful and this bring experiences and that brings and builds confidence. And confidence in different frequencies and colors and shades and forms is the essence of life; is the success of life!

Other changes are occurring…
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Ive been at meetings and various things are happening; Im able to be my real self without anyone really knowing who I am. Ive been able to be several identities when know one has ever known who I really am; and its been completely worth it. Ive been able to come full circle and become myself again as I am.. and in front of many others.. true self in front of others… no matter who they are… perilous men and beautiful women… And Ive completed myself. Ive been able to start out as one person and come back to my original self while others saw and watched. I was able to believe others were actually on my side. I was able to believe I was accepted by others. In reality; I may have actually been completely alone and never knew it. But its to late; I made it through. Im myself again. And in front of several others; no secrets…
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Ive been around parilious ruthless people who have not given a rip who I am. And for the most part; they think Im one of them; Ive fit in completely; or they have thought me a other personalities of several kinds and non of them are true… And Ive made it completely to the other side. Ive been able to speak about who I really am.
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Im back being me again. Ive some how been able to be myself around others even tho they think me as nothing or a bum or scumbag or crazy or many other things… But non of them are actually completely true. Meaning; Ive been able to work out my problems in front of people that didn’t really matter to society. So; it never really mattered what these people ever thought of me… No one cares what most of them think; and never will. Its like I become what ever I wanted to or needed to be around others in an underground world and was able to act out everything I needed to in order to come all the way back to myself in front of others… and in this process; they never knew who I was in the first place.
And I so in silence and secret quietly I walked away.
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Tonight I was scorned and treated like a fool; but those doing so have no idea who I am. It was almost like the person they thought I am or was; was a kind of created persona on my part; They have no history of my original self. The person I was becoming in front of them; they have no idea who or what that person is. That person is actually parts of the real me; but the real me is hidden until I come back home; a lot of created identities… and it worked… I was able to come back to myself.
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Im not done yet; but Im so close now. The goal is to come back to reality in the outside world; and Ive done enough internal work for this to happen. That was the hidden goal; to connect to society again. And it looks like its going to happen. Its already happening.
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In those places I was receiving my recovery; some think Im a scumbag or loser; and they always will and no one cares because they don’t know me.. not a clue; The person they were dealing with doesn’t exist. The person they were dealing with is an adjusted idea within their imaginations created by me. I never told them my real history to know anything about me. By judging me brutally as a loser; This means they have no idea who I am; Perfect.. thats exactly what I needed to get better. Perfect. Pure anonymity.
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Ive worked through enough to come back out into society and start again.
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However; I still need more work; Im warped. Where I get this next level of help I do not know. They have all served their purpose; all things are under God.
I was trying to get myself back from when I was a child and I may have succeeded.
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although Im feeling myself somewhat; Im still not completely connected to society; Im not strong enough yet.
Im still not completely connected to society. Im still somewhere between my apartment and the 12 step groups. Im still not completely out into society completely free and able to enter society smoothly. However; Im basically m...

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The Importance to understand people are not on my side as I thought they were. I thought I was respected or or creating friendships; I was not; deep down; Im not respected and hated or they have contempt and a disgust and a mistrust; as if Im looked at as the worst lowest level of status within a group of people; just a complete disgust;
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I asked a friend if he would back me to help me with a car if I bought one. What I found; Hes not my brother; hes not my friend.. I was a bit shocked but not; For God pre emted my ability to ask someone for help and find out what their real opinion is of me; and I did this with others as well. People smile at me; but deep down have no respect for me and feel the worst kind of feelings as they think they are super superior to me; see me as as bum or loser.
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The importance of understanding this is; I ask first and find out; I tell them who I am to start with; and find out from the beginning what they think of me. And They think nothing of me. I know this because Ive thrown Ideas out in front of others first; and then I find out how they feel about me.
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This is not bad; its bad; but Im getting this information to straiten me up under God; and they are not sent by God to help me…
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I must remember where Im at. And I am or have. I continue to work with God and get a recall of reality; the people I thought were on my side were not. They were faking smiles and were never on my side.
Ill continue to work with God. I must remember the world. And where Im thinking Ive got friends I have no friends; I just think I do…
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And after praying about it; I got nowhere. I do not feel God or my inner being is with these people. I didn’t know that. I was completely fooled. I guess I need to wake up. And I am… its kind of a heart break. However; its also in a time period Im starting to be kind to the world outside. What all this means is; Im not supported the way I thought I was. Who knows how Im actually looked at by these people; Im starting to see a view of it; horrible… Deplorable. They think they are superior and I inferior. Its almost like being ganged up on and I never even knew it was happening; I thought I was getting somewhere. I wasnt;
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I do bring up relational stuff; I tell them; I know we have mixed company and I will talk about relational stuff; However; Im starting to see the sick looks from some of them; the younger women; who don’t appropriate my recovery talking about such things. I see more of; not a fear; almost an anger that I would attempt to even think I have that kind of status; where I looks like Im not even accepted; and I didn’t know that either. However; I do these things under God… And thus have gotten most of what I was attempting to work on; got it out into the open but it also gives me a real view of what people think of me; and that is nothing; they think nothing of me! They think everything of themselves… Well; I still pray for them. And Ill be back to work on my personal stuff but Ill stay clear of most of them.
Ill expect cut downs and jibes by them.
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I will continue alone away from those people. Keep working with God continually. Their is a place beyond hatred and contempt; and Im feeling that deeper level; its almost a contempt with prejudice covered with fake niceness. I was never liked or wanted in the first place by these people; I never saw it by some of them who I thought were friends; they are not; I was just being played. But it took guts for me to ask for help the way I did tonight but it shows the reality of things with those people; They are not on my side…
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I will work with my higher power on who is. Amen!
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I will also learn that although Im a legend in my own mind; I guess no one else things so.
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I will have to work with my higher power on whom Im suppose to actually get help from.
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pre emtivenees; finding out what others think of me ...

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What is the success Im looking for concerning women; What is the insight God has shown me; what is the essence; the Gold needed…
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Different colors; different shades; different forms of Confidence…
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What will attract women; Confidence.
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With self confidence; I appear differently to them and my energy is of a different type of person. And already Ive had a striking different response from women; Its incredible. Suddenly many women seem almost what appears kind of a well; Attraction; their not just being nice. I mean; its as if the whole world has changed before my eyes…
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Where I used to see nothing but negative; Now I see allot of people attracted to me… Its like belonging to a different planet…
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I truly may be the change in my own energy and the way I look because of that confidence and energy; Im a more attractive person who is much more willing and open to receive. And merrier positives back. Its like a quantum shift. I mean; the whole world has suddenly shifted in my favor.
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Its as if Ive become popular and all these people are attracted to me… I mean… Ill certainly keep at this stuff Im working on.
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Confidence in different forms and shades is truly the key to attract women… For every reason…
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When look physically beautiful to a man…. They look like flowers
Men; Confidence is their Golden essence that attracts women…
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So; Ill just keep at this…
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Its not quite as good as Im claiming; but it is kind a… its s stark contrast; Im shocked. I had no idea Id change so many people around me simply by the way I look at them with confidence and new energy. Thats my feeling on it.
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Its all God; its all leading to my future with a wife and children and house and car…. Amen
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My opinions; my findings…
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Take what you like and leave the rest! Amen.