Confidence;
What does it mean…. ?
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Confidence is the sauce God has grabbed my attention with; For it is the gold Im looking to collect for the purpose of a girlfriend.
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Ive gotten to 2 areas; First; The confidence of consistency; What does that mean; Lets say Im walking down the isle of a Grocery store; I see a cute girl; She suddenly looks up at me and smiles; she smiles like she is attracted to me; Suddenly I get mad; and turn my head and feel scared; Why? NO CONFIDENCE at that consistent level. I need practice with people that I feel are cute and they like me. I need practice talking to them and walking up to them and saying hi and smiling while their attracted to me…. This kind of confidence is what I call consistency confidence. It means; at the frequency Im locally at; at the moment; and the girls I attract at this moment; I can consistantly confidently smile strait at them regardless of what or how their looking at me. I can walk right up when their attracted to me. I don’t have to go shy or bashful in front of them; That gets worked out through brutal amount of practice with others that gains confidence at an alarmingly strong level at that frequency.
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Frequency Confidence; What does this mean; It means; basically; Ill need the frequency to rise to a much higher level to attract much higher level people of what ever qualities Im looking for.
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I must match their frequency or Ill never meet them.
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Whats the difference between a cute poor girl and a cute rich girl. Only monetary frequency. If Im hanging out with rich people and Im at their frequency; Ill be able to date their women… First; I have to get to their frequency to be invited or even seen by them.
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What this means; My frequency goes from the level its at right now; and significantly rises.. Thus; I have to learn how to do this; it means becoming confidence at a much higher level within society.
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What are my advantages right now?
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First; I have an advantage most in my situation don’t have;
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I have;
A Built Foundation already established in a new universe of self; its a confidence developing ability established foundation.
I do not need someone for co dependency… I have an “ already” established Generator that creates confidence. Now; All I have to do is get more experience; that experience is sent to the generator and that Generator builds confidence I can apply out in the real world..
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This confidence Generator stores confidence built information; it holds it; stores it; and then with new confidence information; takes all the presiding confidence information and builds on it; creating a new more developed and stronger established confidence to meet a stronger need or to be more consistent.
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Most people Ive met do not have this; they have a false sense of confidence. Its contrived survival defense mechanism to make up for not having any real confidence… This can take many forms…
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In my case; I have a new authentic Confidence generator within myself already established and built; earned through years of adjusted research development and hard labor collecting the materials and facing the obstacles . I do not need anything from the outside; I have this generator. All I have to do is feed it new information through experience and it will do the rest; It will develop stronger levels of confidence.
It will develop consistency confidence over time if that is what I want to build with it.
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Frequency Confidence…; I know what it is; Ive been told vaguely how to develop it; but I do not know how to go from one level up to another; I know generally but not specifically with experience confidence.
I have risen in frequency; But I cant just snap my fingers; suddenly within 2 weeks; a planned higher level frequency of living is suddenly upon me; Well; Im not that good at this. Im kind of a beginner at this level of spiritual success development.
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Fr...

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I have to be grateful for the things that are happening…
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I have to work with God to imagine I have plenty of new women and what those women act like… technically I have the recovery people and windows with the women that are in the meetings… SO. Ill work on that…
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Simply meaning; I learn to be myself; my real self around in certain meetings; I tell the truth; Soon people know me as I am. Im no more then that… and thats who I am.
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Ive been doing this lately… and its wonderful; Im really in the right places for the next level of my recovery.
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WOMEN?
Not at the meetings; Simply because they are not responding to me. Ive met some but they don’t want me. So… I mean…
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So; Im working with God and well; the meetings in general are working great; as for women; Well; God has to prepare me for outside the meetings into the real world where I have no experience.
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As for women in the meetings that work for me; Ill continue to appreciate everyone that is there in general because they are all helping me in my recovery; but the women are not accessible for me; They are not interested in me. I mean nothing to them; they see nothing in me… Im of no concern to them or interest.
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So; I assume that means God has plans for me outside the meetings to meet women. And so; the meetings Im in right now are preparing me for the outside world; to be myself. Im learning to be myself around others; this starts with a slow process of telling people who I am; who I want to be; and who I am not.
The part of “ Who I am not”; is working very well for me.
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Car and God;
I saw this car; but It feels right; but I don’t have a go-ahead from God; and if God and my inner being are not backing it up; Im not moving; Im not budging. I wont.. God has to prove himself or no movement.
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I am learning something about God; Dont throw away the opportunity with God; Give God a chance. Give God a chance to prove himself. But don’t let God off the hook. God has to come through; like a Father to a son… Or; No GO!
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And its more then a Father to a son; The the creator the universe to one of Gods creations that cries out for his help.
Why was I born if God is not going to even protect me while Im here… That says even the universe doesn’t want me; Why should I stay here. So; I look at God and say prove it; “ GOD! You didn’t protect me when I was a child; you let me die”; Why should I even attempt to trust you at all; What is the difference between you and Satan; You both want me Dead! Whats the point!
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Prove it first God; Or no GO!
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However; I do not make excuses to move on from God; Now I stick arround and work with God to prove; Let God have a chance…
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If I walk away from God; that is a secret excuse for me to go back into a carnal world where there is no God and live; Ive done that before; that did not work; there is no power without God.
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Ill stay with God; Keep praying but expect nothing until it shows up; Im only with God for only one reason; its not because I like God or feel safe with God or trust God; I DONT! But God has the power; and this power keeps me safe.
Its not that I don’t love the concept of God and Like God and care about God and love God; But God does not love me. Their is more to life and no life just because Im on this planet with or without power. Either way; they do not equate to a life I have asked God for…
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I ask God for a life; I expect to get it. Or at-least a sign God is sending me into the right direction for it.
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God is like a power; I ask God for food so God prepares me and then sends me into the land of supposed food. Im on the journey and the marks to the journey of supposed food within the land of food; and once in a while are markers to show Im going in the right direction; But after awhile theirs still no food.
When I finally get to where this might be food; Im told I have to p...

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Strange things occurring… or new social developments.
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The one thing missing from my life is and always has been a girlfriend. That is someone that is a women that is a friend; best friend.. who I can rely on and love and care about.. and connect with… Is just been non existent my whole life.
It could be Ive not been around the right people.
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What ever the reason; Im a sensitive intelligent person; Im creative. No one is interested… never have been… Nothing…
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Most of the people Ive practiced on socially are in 12 step groups; and they are not the nicest people. Not the kinds of groups I go to. Lots of sociopaths and narcissists; so many things are based on looks in those places. Im old now…
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I believe God has at-least one person in mind for me…
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Ive had no one who is at the same level of my personality. No one even cares about my personality; nothing… No connection to the human race; nothing… No one. This does not make any sense to me….
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Im working with God on this right now… Im learning how to love again maybe this might help; I don’t know.
I do not believe God made me to be alone…
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Ive practiced with people in these meetings; mainly being played conned and manipulated.. Fair enough; not my cup a tea.
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Ive had women far far below my level of frequency act like they have an equal chance with me when they have no chance at anything…
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Ive been scared to venture out into the open world; Now; Im a bit less scared…
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Im not sure what level of people Im suppose to be around; but they need to be intelligent and sensitive. Ive had no money… and Ive used that as an excuse; but things are different because Im working with God. But still; I feel like Im going out into a hostile world.
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I feel like Im going out into a world where Ill be hated and rejected and scorned and laughed at. I have to imagined there are people out there that want to hook up with me as a boyfriend; God is sending the right women for this…
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I feel like Im not enough; like I don’t even qualify. No money; no house, no car… I cant let this stop me; but I live in a land of shallow people I feel.
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I can be convinced that this world does not want me… anything to do with me; thats the way its always been… They didn’t like Jesus either…
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Still; Everyone I meet; many of them are way way way way way way out of my league; to a point; it seems like they are all rich and spoiled or something. I don’t even qualify. Being a human being seems to mean nothing.
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So; I have my level of fears and humiliation.
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I guess I have to want it bad enough in Gods eyes to be at that frequency… I guess.
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I guess you have to be a Billionaire to have a girlfriend these days. ..
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Ill have to tuff it out and work with God…
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Im getting to a point where the 12 step groups are not needed for this.. they are; I mean; potentially for family like people; so Im not alone; but Not for dating… Mainly because Ive already learned what I have to learn to show Im coming back socially again.
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If no one sees me as long term relationship material; Im around the wrong people. Im scared to death that the right people would never accept me… So; Ill have to work with God on this…
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I would think a sensitive intelligent nice real person authentic would be attractive to people; Ive not found that to be the case; They are more interested in thugs either from jails or rich sociopaths with constant money flow.
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I will continue to work with God. Technically Ive never been around anyone that cared about me ever.. nothing! Zero….. Those are not the kind of people I want to bring into my life.
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Im scared that the kind of people I want to bring into my life are way way way out of my league… They have found quality people that bring in several hundred thousand dollars a year in finance. Im out of luck is the way it feels. But I have to work with God on it.
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Something is ...

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As I advance a bit in the neighborhood
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Im saying hello to almost everyone I can while on my bike; Ive only had about 2 people not respond; and even in that; it was a kind of; well; thats their defense; I get it. My opinion on that; one does not know who or what they are. Im just taking my color of it…
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Yes; I had one women roll her eyes at me like; “ OLD MAN” Stop staring at me… someone I just kind of walked by in the store… However; if I had preemptively put my hand up in friends gesture and said hi; it may have gone differently. I would have said hi before she knew what happened.
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So; in general Im opening up to allot of people around… especially on my bike.
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Another interesting thing; I was picking up a piece of garbage from a parking lot; I do this randomly one piece at a time at times; its an act of kindness… Some kid come out emptying a garbage can; saw me; I saw he rode up to him put the garbage in the garbage can; he looked at me and said; Thanks I appreciate you picking up some garbage in the parking lot.
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Why is this important.
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1. He said this to me; “ I appreciate you”
2. Next; I would ask myself the question; How could I have future friends or girlfriends; how could I get them to say that about me. That they appreciate me; Well; I would have to do something for them; some act of kindness toward them.. something free. A gift of niceness. Ill work with God on this… Amen. Being kind… authentically; unconditional. Like unconditional love.
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Back to the subject;
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WOMEN; And Dating and girlfriends.
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When I was young; I had a girl I liked; I got around her flirted with her; but could go no further. Maybe it was her; maybe it was me. Maybe I sensed I was being used. Meaning; she could get better and wanted better; but I was the only one available at that moment; So; Im better then nothing; thats how it felt. To Bad; I was better then anyone she ever met. What I didn’t realize was; she didn’t care because I was never on her raider wont work; its a waist of time. I have to work with God and my inner being to attract someone that appreciates me; wanting to be around me.
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Back to the story.
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The point about that girl; she wanted to fool around with me or get close to me; she wanted me to ask her out. I couldn’t or wouldn't. But another girl at that time; I had no problem getting physically close with at a party. But when I thought about that girl up the street; I couldn’t. In the end I stopped associating with her. I didn’t trust her… but I loved her….
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Lets look at this from the perspective that; I could touch someone that didn’t really mean anything to me; but I could not touch someone when it was offered from someone I was in love.
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Next problem; I never told that person I liked; I never told them this problem; so they might work with me and help me. I wont know what they actually would have done.
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So; I gave up trying to go after women I thought where in my worth range because they all seem to think they were much much better then me; or could get better. They simply never saw my worth.
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Example of being looked past or looked over and discarded.
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One time; I had a wallet full a cash. I wanted to buy an expensive bike. I walked into a local bike shop; They did not take me seriously; I didn’t look like someone from the elite college crowd. I looked like a ruffian from the streets with bikes for jumping off roof tops…
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I was not liked and not taken seriously. However; I have enough money on me to buy one of their very expensive bikes; something they would have to order. It never got that far; they never really cared to even notice me certainly to work with me. I ended up buying a bike out of state…
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I was not noticed or valued or appreciated. I had all the money they were looking for; still; they just looked me over and passed on me…
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So; here was a situation ...

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The new step with God concerning dating….
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Dear God; show me how to interact with the people you are sending; How to meet them…
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This means; I go somewhere and show up and out of a crowd of people or something; or I meet someone randomly or through a friend; maybe its someones sister or something…
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Its learning all the preparation of meeting someone.
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This is truly the next step.
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Certainly Ive studied such techniques through books n websites for years; This is something different; this is from Gods perspective… This is real world. Into the real world I go…
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Ill be learning how to handle the real world… until I find those people God is sending me…
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Ive noticed 2 kinds of people; Asian Girls or Quaker girls… That seems to be who shows up. Thats literally who has shown up… But Im to bashful to say hello or take it any further… I wouldn't the slightest how to take it any further.
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Its more like I see these people but they are not accessible. I would have to meet them through a friend or at a party or something… Ill work with God on these things.
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How would I know who to call or ask out. What about age. Im an old man. Any old man will always feel comfortable thinking they can go out with younger women. But they cant or they are dreaming; will be led on and dumped by those younger women; But who knows.
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These are the chances I have to prepare for…
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Sometimes I feel this is ridiculous; Like Im just way to old for any of this. To attract anyone; but the other day at the Post Office some chick was checking me out….
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I have to learn to give God a chance with me in these situations. Its so heart rendering; so much horror and damage from all of this when young. I stopped dating before I started; never got involved again after the first girl I loved; realized I meant nothing to her and I was being played. I don’t like to admit it but its true. This was happening because this was the wrong person to associate with. But no one could tell me. I knew everything. I was horribly insecure and needy; I had no love and was thrown away… but the world did not care; No one did. I had no friends; nothing.
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This one girl I called and wanted to take an interest had no interest in me. I think I was around just for her kicks for a few months; she had no real other prospects yet and just kind of let me hang around; but I meant nothing to her… no respect for me; just contempt and little if no attraction; nothing… I had the unfortunate concept of thinking I could help her because she was not loved. Unfortunately I did not know what I was talking about. She was just fine. I was the one that needed to be loved; not this person; and I will pay for my folly of finding myself at the wrong house with the wrong people.
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I was no longer interested in ever getting involved with women ever again. I had seen to much… They were horrible people. Monsters… I had no idea… They were like criminals. Godless… Even those claiming to be involved with God; Nothing; just a show or a front. These people were not safe!
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Now I seek my very first girlfriend.
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When I was 14; This First girl I met Ive described above was suppose to be my first girlfriend; Never turned out. I never got anywhere… she was not interested in someone like me. I was crushed and heart broken. No matter what I did or how hard I tried; she simply made it clear she could get better… And hopeless I finally gave up and just dropped out and went away.
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Now; under God; Ill see what can happen. See What God wants for me… I just wanted a wife; a girlfriend that turns into a wife; thats all I ever wanted. I still believe. The problem has been; Wrong people…
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So; Ill be working with God on this concept of leaving the wrong people alone and concentrating on the right ones.
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This is by far the worst type of thing to go through; its just horrible…. Having to go throu...

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