Relational development; It is beginning to form;
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Soulmate;
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The beginning of Relational developmental practice…..
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Ill assume Im completely dating someone We are together… I will assume we are together in my imagination and ill write stories about it on paper over n over n over… amen. A thousand times as if we are already dating.
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Im working with the laws of attraction. The idea is to build up the momentum and energy from the universe for a soulmate.
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In the present right now;
After several months; working with the universe; Ive kind uv found a person Im going to use as a representation of what I would be looking for in the real world as a soulmate; I believe strongly the universe has created this situation for me to get some ideas of what im looking for in a soulmate for the future.
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In reality; Im to new to this process; and cant rely on any one person I know as someone who is actually my soulmate or interested in me. I don’t know anyone who is interested in me; atleast that would qualify for a soulmate or girlfriend.
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So; working with the universe having permission from the universe; Ill use this women Ive seen before , someone Ive met; Ive been around for a few months; I don’t talk to her. She does not necessarily seem interested in me in anyway. She has been polite one time I had a short short banter of words with. However; there is something about her; I cant put my fingers on it…
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For some reason working with the universe; she seems to be a closer fit; type of person to imagine Im looking for.
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So; Ill call her M.
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So; Ill write stories about M and Myself; How we met how we are dating; are physical intimacy together and how we communicate. Ill build a relationship on paper so much so; that it appears to be real. Until I convince myself and the universe it is real…
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NOTE; One goal of all this; for me to believe. For; believing first is the ingredient for success later.
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However; What is real about this person that I would consider them a prototype? I don’t know; maybe the frequency; Either way; Ill use this situation as a frame work. I seriously do not see myself ever talking to this real person ever again. Im not treated very well by them.
They are a kind of popular person. So; Im kind of unnoticed. Maybe its better that way. I have this feeling; this is what the universe wants. . I experienced a very short connection with them; maybe a minute and it was over for ever. However; I understand how the universe works; and I did gather up enough information to use as a starting point of what I might want to see in a soulmate.
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Its a starting place.
I did get an introduction with this person; shook her hand; had a few pleasant words with her and it reminded me of connection; general connection. So. Ill just fly with that to start with… Ill go with that.

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Strange; I can kind of feel it; it feels kind of normal; strangely normal to use that person as a prototype for future relationship information. A general plan of what Im looking for. I believe surely The universe allowed me to bump into this person and feel this kind of equal -ness of frequency;
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What I know about all this; Laws of attraction… Well; I believe Im at another juncture. Ive advanced through the ranks of interacting with women at different stages. Im starting to see that the universe made me attractive for these purposes. However; suddenly they are starting fade away; the women are disippearing; they have gone their own way and Im of no more interest or attraction; Nothing.
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A Nudge from the Universe;
However; also in this plan; I met some new people; and it is those new people Im getting the nudge by the universe to create a prototype of my favorable relational interactions with someone; People Ive interacted with; some behaviors about them I like…
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So; it looks like Ive got a prototype.
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Ill write storie...

[ Continued ]

Still single. Lol. By choice.

This guy who is hanging around seems like a good person. That's all good and everything. But I have moved on from any romantic feelings for him. I cared for him at one point. He didn't feel the same way, and it stings having to admit that. That I hung on to him, with hope of him caring for me eventually. We communicated. People now don't talk, they text. But it all came out. He was upset because I was not interested in what he had to offer, which was nothing in the form of caring for me romantically. I was kinda over him. When you don't receive love, loving moments, a desire of loving and caring for you, other things, you long for it and you come empty-handed, this drives you somewhere where you have to face the truth. I talked, I was honest, very upfront. I held nothing back. I answered. Eventually, because my heart loved him. Eventually, I moved on. I am not sad. I was at first, a long time ago. I even held on to being with him even though I knew he didn't feel the same way. It took a little bit of time, but I don't have any feelings for him. I stopped dwelling on him, on us. I push away feelings or thoughts of remembering how things were with him. I don't care if maybe I'm repressing. I don't think I am, just push away thoughts and think on something else. Because he is still in my life, he sticks around, it's hard to have him completely disappear from my life. We still get together, but I have no feelings for him. And I stick to that, It took me time to get to this point, I don't want to "go there." To go to a place that I will want a man who doesn't want me as his mate, as someone he loves. I don't want to seek someone for me anymore. I give up on wanting someone to love me. When I see lovers or couples, I no longer envy them or wish in my heart I had a man to love me. He doesn't exist. And I've come to that conclusion in my heart too. I just don't care anymore. It does hurt to think on this at times, but having a little cry at that moment, and just wiping my tears, I recollect myself, and I'm a big girl. I just get "over it." I get over it almost instantly. I am indifferent now. I've heard that anger is actual love for a person you love. You still love them. Indifference is moving on. I am indifferent by my mind knowing he doesn't love me. And my heart is at peace and has moved on as well. I am no longer thinking on it. I am not upset he still talks to me. I will have to be the one to eventually tell him to also move on. I don't care for a so called "friendship." We were more at one point. And I don't want him in my life so much. I am not friends with guys who were romantically involved with me. That is an answer, "What does quietgirl want?" I don't want him in my life as much or not at all. Now it's his turn to get a clue. It's not an easy thing to do, because I'm "so nice." But quietgirl needs to take care of herself. I need to be the one to push him away because he's not for me. I'm not interested in a friendship. The end. (For today, that is.)

Ive been working toward this while mentally ill for half my life and its taken that long for this one moment to occur.
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Played the piano at the church lunch in for the poor drugged out homeless population…
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Whats important; several things.
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1. Ill playing something I wrote and wrote down and my own lyrics… finished enough; took me about 10 minutes.
2. I had to ask the church to play the piano; I had to go back in and ask them to sing to my song… and that was brutal. I felt like I was going to drop over dead.. I felt like walking death it was so hard; Authorities in control where I have no control and they control my fate. I have serious mental break downs and can not do this kind of thing but I did it…
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Well; I did perform the piece; and it went OK. And it sounded amateurish on all fronts from piano to singing and song writing. But I did it..
I played the song on all white keys…
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I made sure the singing was loud enough that I could say I sung that song; I really did sing it; it wasn't murmur or whisper. I made sure to put out some volume on some of it.
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Ill be creating another song for tomorrow; and Ill grow from all of this and see where it all leads me Amen.
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I went to a meeting… One this morning; and one early at 11… and it will go to 1PM… So; Im getting a much longer meeting; in this case I asked a women to walk with me and talk. We were already friends kind of…
But this time we became real friends.
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I got a message From Jesus; I am to understand; that women of the past and present; All I need and can expect from them is this. I am to like them; And nothing more. They owe me nothing. They do not have to change or be any different then they are. All I have to do is like them and they qualify.
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If I like them; give them a try; stop putting giant conditions on them. I already like them. However; this also goes to a point; I mean; they have to fit into a general range of sanity and fit ability.
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Ive been so strict on conditions no one has a chance with me.
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So; God has made it clear; I am to only like them; and that is good enough. They don’t have to be anything else.
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Well; I asked this women to go for a walk around Town to talk about it. And I did and we became deeper friends; real friends…
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And it appears to be the beginning of the next level of friendship in general with women; she is not the only one; several others are my friends in the same condition; Friends for Life; kind of thing; shaking hands and such.
This means Im making relationships with these women; In this case; Friendship relationships; and this means they can pull me off the guard and scold me if they see something Im not doing right with other people. And I can do the same with them.
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And their will be more because these women have friends. I know several are going to become real friends; closer friends…
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I Can see this. Im not used to this…
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With these women; I told them everything; in a sense; of how my fears of my mental condition has kept me from getting to close to anyone because their has been no one to tell all this stuff to; its to real vulnerable.
This is a different kind of Vulnerability; This is real world out in the field direct vulnerability. Open up this vulnerability stuff; is creating real friends in the real world. These are areas that have kept me from interacting with others up close and personal. And that is now changing in the real world.
These are women I can tell anything to; for advice.. These are real friends for life.. These are real friends for life; like belonging to a gang… I mean; its real. So; God is bringing what I asked for.
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Some of these people; Im telling things Ive never told anyone in a way that suggests a picture of myself no one knows about. But we are now Friends for life…
My God; What have I gotten myself into. And their will be more n more.
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This is the next step slowly getting me closer to developing into more serious relationships for the future.
Its like a gang of friends on my side to help with real life problems. Looks like Im in.

Goals; in writing;
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Women.
Soulmate;
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I met this girl… I love everything about her. But thats out on the surface. Shes a nice old fashion small town girl…
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Did she come from God.
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The problem is; And maybe she didn’t come from God; I don’t know. It could be my addictive side.
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The point is; shes to risky because of her behavior and mannerisms. I see her not safe to a point that its to much. She could cause massive problems… To risky.
Ive been through this before.
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She came up to me today; and I kind of shunned her because she is not safe and I don’t want to go through it. Ill talk to God until I get an answer from God.
And I don’t know how to treat this person. Ill talk to God about all of this.
If she was safe; Id love to be with her… I like her… I just do… But Im afraid its fake. Not on my side; on hers. Im afraid she was be way way to much trouble. Id love to take care of her…
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Ill talk to God about it…
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Ill talk to my sponsor about it…
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And God. I want her God. I love her… I like her… So; can I have her God…
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What do you want me to do God… AM<en…………..
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Goals; in writing;
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Women.
Soulmate;
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I met this girl… I love everything about her. But thats out on the surface. Shes a nice old fashion small town girl…
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Did she come from God.
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The problem is; And maybe she didn’t come from God; I don’t know. It could be my addictive side.
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The point is; shes to risky because of her behavior and mannerisms. I see her not safe to a point that its to much. She could cause massive problems… To risky.
Ive been through this before.
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She came up to me today; and I kind of shunned her because she is not safe and I don’t want to go through it. Ill talk to God until I get an answer from God.
And I don’t know how to treat this person. Ill talk to God about all of this.
If she was safe; Id love to be with her… I like her… I just do… But Im afraid its fake. Not on my side; on hers. Im afraid she was be way way to much trouble. Id love to take care of her…
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Ill talk to God about it…
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Ill talk to my sponsor about it…
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And God. I want her God. I love her… I like her… So; can I have her God…
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What do you want me to do God… AM<en…………..
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New Blog;
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Talked with my sponsor today. It was interesting; I shored up a few ideas from beginning to end; Mainly about Drumming and Women.
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Drumming;
First; Ive been writing about this a few times in my previous blogs…
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I have been re-birthed into the present age. I was regrown in the Garden of Eden. I am here now. Im still a Work-In-Progress. What does this mean. Im not all here! I have mental illness; I come from a moderate or maybe a bit of less moderate level of drug n alcohol addiction; certainly I abused substances to dissociate from reality. Im a Potential Alcoholic. I did my time; maybe a bit less then most; but I ended up experience the same Night terror as everyone else… As for Drugs;’ I was definitely on my way within a relatively short time in High school to becoming a Drug addict; However; Within that period I overdosed many times and had bad bad trips and was ending up in the Hospital. After to many trips on Hallucinogenics; I had Drug psychosis for three years; My brain was torn apart and extremely weak’nd.
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In Junior high-high school; Moving onward toward women and dating
I could not really function anymore with the mental illnesses coming on and the drug psychosis problem. I had been manipulated easily by young women I innocently fell for; thinking I had made a friend. I was literally torn to pieces by it. I did not want to be alive anymore. I had no one; I had already been thrown away by my parents… Now I was being used and played by the people my own age; I simply crumbled and gave up… This was not the world I thought I would be in when I started getting older…
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I had nothing and ...

[ Continued ]