Helpers developing with women; Stories
please help me God; Amen…
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Note;
I have no self esteem with women; I feel very bad about myself; no self worth; cannot stand up to them; when they get close; I look down at the ground… in shame… I cant look up at them; like I don’t feel very worthy around them; I don’t feel worth anything at all around them. Im finding I cant look at them when close up; nothing.
Today Ive experienced this several times up close with women; In some cases; I want to blame the women; But its simply that their faces are up close to me… and I look down bashfully. No self worth; no confidence; no self esteem. No self.
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However; I am getting real feedback.
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Im assuming this is about my mother. So. As I get closer to women; Im learning much about myself..

Goals
girlfriend
car
house
money
vacation
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God is helping me gain confidence in all of these areas.. >Amen.
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I have to work with God and ask God for the helpers that will help me go from grade school maturity and development level; to adolescence level to teen level and into young adult level…
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All of this has to be redone.
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Dissociative disorder is the problem… So; its like being in a war; I have a whole line of resistance to protect me from the outside world within myself; a disability; And I want enough of it down to have a girlfriend.
Its so embarrassing.
Its not just creating intimacy; I cant create it with an actual person; only deep within me and my imagination.
However; the goal is to take that intimacy; and learn how to apply it out in the real world; this will be done through real world practice with others; practicing these things enough until I am good at it and confident at it.
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In a sense; Im learning from Ground up how to interact with women… ( It just freaks me out to say it). This triggers sexual abuse… it triggers many forms of PTSD.. or Long term CPTSD…
Getting to close to the world is like being in a war with it… it triggers war…. It triggers death for me…
Meaning; its like being in a war zone….
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Other problems;
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1. I need help; God to send others to help train me; so I can gain real world experience interacting at basic levels with women again. We are talking about; Im starting out at the emotional developmental age of child and working through to adolesence and then teen years and then young adult to adult… And their it is…
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Its all that training from the beginning; maybe even from age 3 through 4 n 5, 6 n 7 on up. Im missing everything concerning women.
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Ive got to be retrained with basics and experience. Ill pray for these people and what I need. Ill imagine getting the help and imagine what that help and training looks like and believe its going to happen for me… Imagining every bit down the pike; all of it.
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I am getting triggered with PTSD from those time periods of sexual abuse; my mind slams back into that; so; I must start over from the beginning and create a whole new set of realities for me without the sexual abuse; Bi passing all of it until practicing success. Amen.
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My mind is dissociating all over the place while writing this; Amen.
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Ive got to start slow… I mean really slowly allowing any of this in; slowly; Working with God for this to happen; people n places and things; Amen… Please God be with me Amen.
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This includes verbal with women; learning to tell a women who I am; what Im struggling with; what my goal is and asking for help.. .

What Im mad about;
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For all my life their has been no one; No social life; no best friends; no girlfriends ever; nothing!
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Their has been nothing.
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I never got a chance; This because of the horror life created by the house owners; where I lived; I was thrown out of the family I was in at age 9; it desolved as the house owners had planned… I was simply abandon.
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Its a fluke Im coming back to some forms of reality now! I am; but its a fluke. I cant imagine many people doing this from my background.
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Ive had 30 years of recovery work; I had to out of pure desperation; desperation led me on…
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I can say with some accuracy; I had no First love; It was I that chose to interact with these strange people that never intended or were really interested in knowing me; they were never my type. I tried to push my way into others lives with performing; It worked for maybe a day or 2 then broke down. I never went any further; I never went any further. I never got any further; one reason; I was 2 afraid to ask out someone I actually found attractive; I froze up in front of them; I then later realized they really didn’t care about who I am; They replaced my efforts with someone else efforting just as fast.
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I would not say they were ever really interested in me; and they never put out any effort toward me. I had to put out all the effort to show up around them; But thats actually as far as anything got; I didn’t have the confidence to do anything more. I could not ask them out; tell them I liked them or make a pass a them; I just kind of went inside my own shell.
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In all reality; They never really wanted to be friends with me… I was barking up the wrong tree… I finally realized the futility of what I had gotten myself into; a dead end road; I simply sheepishly turned around and walked away…
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So; their was no real First love; their was no Real Nothing!
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God never told me to go in that direction…
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NOTE: Im going to have to sit quietly with God and Ask God; “ What direction God was I suppose to go in?”. And Im going to have to stop and learn and wait for that answer and work with God on it and stay out of it; stay out of the answer and just sit with God…
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FAKE BEST FRIEND: The kid I met at age 5; was not a friend of mine. I was 2 young to have a clue what was going on. No one made me go after or around this person. In fact; I ended up with other friends at school who lived on the other side of the block; the South side. I never needed this specific kid on the North side as my friend; Ive realized that for some years now; However; I was devastated when I found out him and his family had been using me the whole time. I was his families baby sister for him because I lived down the street.. Non of them wanted me in their home; they thought I was white trash. I remember the mentioning of this a few times when young; I just brushed it off; it was such an obscure idea; I simply didn’t take it seriously; later I will find out it was fully true the whole time.
I simply never thought like this; that I was better then someone; Not like This! Not like these people setting up innocent people to use them.
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It all makes sense to be now.
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I have to work with God to find new answers… I will look back at these times and ask God; What do I do about these situations God…
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I will ask God because; I had no business being in those situations with those strangers; that Fake best friend; or that girl… They had their own lives; I was dependent personality; and I was going over my bounds. None of those people wanted me. I might have saw myself as Great; but no one else did. I was forcing the situation with strangers who wanted nothing to do with me. And at this point; I really need to talk to God about all of this and Gods direction for me instead of this…
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I would love to be free of all this and well; Just myself again; ...

[ Continued ]

I never developed outside of television. I just didn’t. I got thrown away and then was destroyed; and it was over before it ever happened.
As I wake up now; its 1968…
I want to be like the Beatles… Again…. So; I go from TV to the real world… But it never happened.
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Thats what Im working on now.
However; I see the horrible from the past but I think I can slowly work with God to break through it…

Im talking to other people…
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Ive noticed something;
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Im scared to get into a relationship; up close with certain women… its to much for me; Im to scared.
However; Ive noticed something…
Im much closer
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I mean; like a few feet from girls.. ( women I mean); I have to remember; this is 2025. In my time; we called them girls; adult women; They called us boys…. Adult men…
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The point is; the gap is closing… Im closer to their frequency; the frequency; the level at which women reside for relationships; the level relationships reside…
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However; an authentic gap resides… Its an untouched place since childhood. Its a place of a 7 year old.
I never had a mother; so that space; I never entered it. Never… Im guessing or I assume; it was a place for my mother; something my mother would have allowed; intimacy of security and caring; affection; Something I never got… ever…
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Ive never seen any modern women care; they certainly never cared about me getting this kind of care; so I just dropped away from them… No one cared about me so I dropped out or away….
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Now; the work Im doing is getting me closer…
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However; although I can kind of see the first of the new plans; It doesn’t mean Ive experienced anything yet.
I must take it all to God and allow God to take it further. And; I must imagine… Imagine Im close up in that gap between myself and a women; and interacting at that level gap.
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I can see this gap as what to work on… .
I can see working on this gap as focus; instead of focusing on a specific women of interest; its better just to take this part of things to God. And work on them.
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I can see it; its me the small boy look upward to my mother; the connection that never occurred. And Ill work with God on this connection.
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I can also see my mother betraying me and neglecting me abandoning me… And no one cares… I can see the sadness of it.. and fear…
Never having a mother…
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This closeness that never occurred; Ill pray about it to God for help with this; and write stories about being with women interacting within this gap…
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Amen.