The old family system is used to taking advantage of me. They are calling again! Its out of control, sadistic control. ITs one of the sociopaths from this family system...

Im ready to leave this system yet. Im close. I have to trust God. They are looking for trouble and sending out the net... I want nothing to do with them.

The child in me still wants a family. I have not worked through the past; not completely, I still see the members of this family system as innocent; this is the child fantasy bond. The hurt ripped up me would like to think their is a family still alive. It died along time ago, Im battling my memories. In the mean time, family members are taking advantage of this weakness.

So, it doesn't matter about this holiday! Im not ready to leave anything! underneath, Im slowly allowing myself to grow and Im still in recovery.

I grow in the hidden areas while the rest of the world sees the emotional side. I choose to keep reason to the few!
And I do attract idiots...

Im alive and I have to keep working for my independence from codependency!

I have allot of stuff to work through, Im getting stronger. Im not strong enough to deal with the truth yet...

I'm so sick and tired of medication and therapists. What I would do, for some peace in my head. I want to be mentally healthy. I want to live freely and happily. I'm so pissed and envious of people who can. This isn't fair, this isn't ######6 fair.
I'm tired of episodes.
I'm tired of the medication not working.
I'm tired of the days where I want to die.
I'm tired of bottling up my feelings because I know people will think I'm insane
or judge me
or tell me "i need help" like.. ###$ you i'm trying... so damn hard...
or tell me i shouldn't feel this way because i'm not a "starving child in africa"

Nothing is worse than battling your own mind everyday.

My intentions with this blog/site are to have a place to work through my issues on my own and learn from others' similar experiences. I'm not looking for comments or communication with other users *at this point; just a place to chronicle and understand my own BS.

Im 23. My major issues at the moment are: Depression. Addiction (Marijuana, Alcohol, Ecstacy) Disorganized thoughts. Laziness. Social isolation. Sex/Intimacy.

I saw a therapist for awhile around the age of 17. I haven't seen one since. Though I know I'd certainly benefit from getting into therapy the sooner the better, I don't want to be any more of a burden to my family. I'd like to kinda sort through my problems on my own at the moment, until Im done with school, and am able to support myself financially and have insurance to help pay for some therapy. I do NOT want to be on meds. Im thinking my problems can be solved through exercise, talk therapy,positive influences, and personal accomplishments.

I have created a TSC Manic Depression Scale for myself today. Feel free to use it if it works for you.

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TSC Manic Depression Scale
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Range: -15 to +15

Detailed Range Meaning:

-15 : Severe Depression + Suicide Attempt

-14 : Severe Depression + Suicide Date Finalized

-13 : Severe Depression + Suicide Date Planning

-12 : Severe Depression + Suicide Method Planning

-11 : Severe Depression + Suicidal Ideation

-10 : Very Severe Depression

-9 : Severe Depression

-8 : Moderate Depression

-7 : Mild Depression

-6 : Very Sad

-5 : Sad

0 : Normal

+5 : Happy

+6 : Very Happy

+7 : Mild Mania

+8 : Moderate Mania

+9 : Severe Mania

+10 : Hypomania

+11 : Intense Hypomania

+12 : Very Intense Hypomania

+13 : Very Intense Hypomania + Slightly Detached from Reality

+14 : Very Intense Hypomania + Moderately Detached from Reality

+15 : Extreme Hypomania + Very Detached from Reality + Delirious


Notes: Zero is normal. Negative five to positive five are normal emotions, experienced by most of the population. Negative six and positive six are the initial stages of depression and mania. The scale is designed to manage and track key points in the manic depressive cycle in order to limit extreme high and low points. Furthermore, normal people may experience negative six and positive six at extreme points in their lives (such as a death in the family or winning the lottery). Severe positive or negative stress will cause normal people to break into the manic depressive orange and red zones depending on the circumstances.

I get to have a new beginning!

Have you ever wanted a second childhood! Im about or I have started to live mine!

In order to have a second childhood! The child in me must move from the past to the present!

First, one has to get in touch with childhood and all of its memories!

I must go back into childhood with God and work through it! Sift through it! IVe done this with God, 12 step groups and therapists and other groups! and processed stuff;

I write allot of blogs; I'm writing what Ive processed! And processing even more!

=

The idea here is; let the child present his case to me and God; as he asks and pleads for help! I then present everything ive found about his childhood! And show him; Im on his side! We together work through the info! He trusts me; Im working with him! We are working together for a common good!

What I found; most of the people; places, and things I was giving such great credit; were not deserving! They were not worth as much as I thought they were! And I present this to the child! The child then makes up his own mind after I present the evidence! The idea here is; if the child can see that he has no reason to live in the past; the past wasn't that great; possibly the child within me will join me in the present and start living again!
==

The friends
The school
The neighborhood
The memories
The relatives
The family system I was forced into

None of these things had the worth I gave them!

I have proof that most of what happened in these neighborhoods were not worth taking with me! Not worth talking about or getting upset about! Losing these people, places or things; big ######6 deal! I can replace them with allot better people in the present! Yet, the child has to see the evidence! The child makes up his own mind!

Most people were acquaintances! they were never friends
The family system I came from were sociopaths! Worthless!
My brothers were strangers at best; they turned out losers! So who cares if I ever see them again! Im not a loser! So why care so much about losing losers! Who cares!
Most of these people were Godless! And they were idiots! And fakes, and liars in this neighborhood! I thought they were perfect people of high worth; I was wrong! They were simply strangers! At best I went to there houses a few times as a child!
Most were corrupt! Upper middle class idiots! Not my kind of people!
Most were never friends; just acquaintance I made them out to be more then what they were!

Most people were made out worth more then they were! I lost nothing!

The neighborhoods that came and went from my childhood were not important! Thats the real truth! They were never real! I have proven this! Meaning, I put value on them; more value then they were worth!
The neighborhoods and its people were strangers at best! I spent some time at peoples houses; but thats about it! They didn't mean much else! I valued the time I spend with them; but knew very little about them!
I tried to make them into more then what they were! They were nothing! They were complete strangers!

Many of these people turned their backs on me later in life!

They didn't really know me or my worth! I was a stranger to them; they did not have the capacity to see my deeper worth! They were ######6 idiots! Shallow! I do not expect anything from them at this point!

I tried to make idiots into decent people! Now I know better; it was a lie!

I had no business around the people in these neighborhoods; I was worth much more then to allow these idiots into my personal life! Next time I will learn! Now I know!

It hurts; but knowing the people in these neighborhoods were never worth a knock on the door; knowing this; would I put so much credit into the loss of such a place! Would I really care if I moved on and never came back! Who the ###$ cares! It was just scenery, bushes and a few nice houses;...

[ Continued ]