Dear local hospital system.
I owe you a lot of money. Thank you for not being like the debt collectors and actually treating me like a real person. I don't plan on being this poor forever, but right it's all I have, just barely floating by. It sucks the people who are suppose to help financially have these stupid deadlines. I'm not mentally ok, and dealing with some hard stuff in life. I don't want to print out three months of bank statements. You don't need to see every taco bell run. K? Second, I wouldn't have a debt, if you listened to me. I'm not saying I know everything, I don't. I'm saying when I go to p-doc's office and say "I'm suicidal, I think I need a med change." The reaction is not ok. I don't want to wait three weeks. I feel suicidal now; I need help now. (now being then, not now now. I'm ok.) Seriously, I don't take big doses; I'm not a drug dealer. I'm sure people love my pills, random lactation, acne, weight gain. Yeah. I don't need to stay 6 days in a hospital to be given lithium. (Because of a long weekend, I didn't even fulfill the 96 hour hold).
Seriously. I know what's going on. I'm bipolar, not stupid.
Love
Jamie

Dear School Health People,
When I say I'm moody, it means I'm moody. Not stressed. Finals have never, in my five years of college and four years of high school, stressed me out. Not even a little. It's a test, all the material is in the book or the study guide and I probably have a big fat A. I had 4 finals, and three of them resulted in a pizza or food party. The last was human sexuality. Not too hard; I made a better grade than some of the psyc majors. Life is good, you give me a shot of depo provera and I suddenly try to rip my skin off to get it out....yeah, not normal. We're not talking crying at chick flicks, here. Lets talk about mood to a bipolar person. I'm very aware of my emotions. Don't question me. Second, 20 hours of sleep a day is not normal, even if its been a long semester. See above, it was easy.
Not cool.
Jamie.


Dear mom,
No, I'm not calling you back after you and two of my brothers just told me was a jerk I am for graduating. I did not graduate. I did have a daily dose of diarrhea and did not get paid for playing at graduation. If you want communication, me not being good enough and my husband not being good enough is going to have to stop. Which I know will not happen. For me to be happy with you, you'd have to realize you have a problem and start seeking help. Since that's not happening, I'm avoiding you. I don't like you. Common sense and reason doesn't matter to you, my opinion and feelings don't matter to you. You say you want respect and to give respect. Bah Humbug!
grr

Im considered by women to be someone that looks as good as a move star! Ive been told this by women for a very long long long long long time! Im compared to movie stars! When I was younger! And they tell me! They tell me in the parking lots, they tell me next to their boyfriends! But that was when I was younger! When you get past 50 years old! Something happens! Sure, plenty of women want you! But something has changed! Your now to old! If you see a beautiful 21 year old women and you think your 21, your in for a rude awakening! This does not mean that you cant have young women! The problem is persecutive! You can sleep with allot of them! But you're going to start a romance>? Its possible! But, ay know! Maybe not! Because your to old! Ay know! Their comes this age thing, when your old! I mean, its now happening to you! Your face, your eye brows turn square! It sucks kinda! It brings out the insecurity in you! But it's OK! I imagine in women, it simply freaks them out getting old! I don't even want to think about their perspective! I suppose they give up! To bad!

Women like the way I look! ITs been so bad when younger that everywhere I went women would be interested! all of them! And it does not matter who or what they come from! Plain Jane's from the library or super hot cover girls so stuck up, no guy could get near them! Never fear! Omnicells here, Just point her out! Sooner or later she will be looking in my direction and wont stop! Sure enough!

It was crazy when I was younger and aware! It scared me to death! I felt horrible about this life and myself! And here I have all the top looking women everywhere like me! I was and am intimidated by really hot looking women! Not to worry, they simply come to me! Freaks me out!

Im one of those guys that have had bus fulls of women like them! Iv been told by zillions of girls why! So, anyway!

Im older now, and when it comes to women that are younger! In they're early 20's! Im of no importance to many of them! I still attract my share of them! But really? At a certain point, your to old! Sorry every guy closer to 55 then 30! It happens!

It's a shame, Now that I can actually deal with people, Im to old to attract half the women I used to attract!
I can tell you this! Seriously! If I had banged half the women in my town, and I could have! How many babies would I have now! This is no joke! Women have children when women want them; it doesn't matter about your protection! If they want a baby! They seem to figure out how!

Ive had numerous guys go out with women that were interested in me! They are all fathers whether they like it or not! And many of the women, simply were really good looking and roped a retard in and got a baby out of it! They did this because the guy was gullible and easy to manipulate!

I wont forget this one guy; he was so up on himself because he got this hot chick! He thought he was roll'n! This girl liked me before him! But I could not respond in time because of dissociative disorder! And this has happened most of the time for about the last 8 years! Before this, I was not home mentally!

Anyway, all of these gents of children now! And I happily don't! Meaning, the girls that had the children dumped the guys within 6 months! So, there you are!

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At some point, your to old! If she is 24 and your 53! Its possible! It is! But actually, probably not going to happen! Possible! Anything is possible!

So, a women I saw at a restaurant freaked me out when I first saw her! She was so beautiful I almost dropped over! She was like my first love soulmate, she even walked like her, shook her hips like her, when she walked! It shocked me! I melted on the spot! I didn't know what to do!

When I looked this women in the eyes! She simply rolled them...

[ Continued ]

so, i'm a little tmi (too much information). i think i figured that out from reading something about nld. still, i thought this journal entry belonged here.


i'm in therapy currently for bpd issues and/or traits. i decided i need dbt for difficulty with regulating my emotions, self-injury, things like this. it is a therapy structured primarily for those with borderline personality disorder (although it works with other things too.) it's extremely similar to cbt, although there seems to be extra emphasis on black of white thinking.

personally i just think of borderline personality as being largely a combination of chronic fight-or-flight paired with a fear of abandonment. (and yes, that can be a recipe for a completely disastrous social environment. i know this from the inside out.)

i believe the chronic sense of fight-or-flight can be biological---some are born with an especially sensitive limbic system (and there are studies that indicate that the left amygdala is larger in those with bpd than in non-bpd's, just as is true with bi-polar disorder.) i also believe it can be a reaction to a chaotic environment: as in a particularly chaotic upbringing, repeated violence, invalidation over these things which then causes isolation, a sense of otherness from the rest of the world. and it can also be any shade or gradation in between.

either way, it's a little like having ptsd. and some practitioners feel that complex ptsd (ptsd from prolonged and repeated frightening events vs. one) and bpd are one and the same. i really think that in some cases, they are one and the same.

so all of this fits.

but it's also strongly possible that i have a non-verbal learning disability as well. the main features are a difficulty in processing visual information, thus difficulties with math and any sort of spatial sense, such as a sense of direction. there are generally challenges with reading non-verbal cues, there are also difficulties with balance and coordination (which i definitely had in childhood and still have some as an adult---so much so that it took me years of effort to learn to ride a bike, and i still can't catch or throw, despite fairly decent handwriting.) there are a hundred different little 'quirks' of nld that describe my life, strengths as well as challenges.

i had a memory for words as a child that i couldn't shut off if i wanted to. once a word is in my head, it stays there for good. i lived for reading, (this is another feature of nld.) and i felt at home with the written word and even used it to help me excel across some parts of the academic terrain. but i forgot my multiplication tables every year and i still have to add on paper, even fairly simple equations.

i'm also endlessly curious and capable of focusing on one topic of interest for a very long time---i have a difficult time not focusing on something if i find it interesting. at the same time, i'm terribly disorganized and forgetful. i have a difficult time seeing the whole for the details.

i have mild sensory issues. lots of lots (noise, bright lights, movement--such as in a large store) exhausts me, unless i can sit largely by myself and zone it all out. certain sounds are painful (electronically modified ones especially), and as a child i was generally feeling nauseous because smells were so intense.

it fits. and i know that it fits.

the difficulty sometimes is telling the issues apart---which thing belongs to which 'label' or category? difficulty regulating emotions can be a part of nld as well (meltdowns, a tendency to be largely in the dark about what you're feeling until suddenly there is a meltdown, along with, in some cases, chronic anxiety, depression, which i have. self-injury and eating disorders, especially anorexia, are also common. fortunately i don't contend with the last any more. but it was an issue during adolescence. it's not that i thought i was fat. it's that i couldn't see that i wasn't. i was too...

[ Continued ]

The time before you are interested in women.
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The time before I was interested in women; the developmental level; that time period I was molested groped and raped... and for 2 years harassed sexually and physically bullied or intimidated and completely controlled in every physical way also with fear of physical control. No boundaries where I was at. Horrible. Cant discuss it. So sickening and shocking and humiliating.
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And this was before women; before the time of liking women; this is just at the beginning of having girlfriend and exploring my life; but it turned out to be a situation of torture and I wanted to blow up the world and kill everything in it.
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So; How do I work through this strange numbness and seeing myself removed from my backyard and my home. I wasn't kidnapped from my backyard; but I was suddenly told the house was being sold and I was being sold with it in a sense.
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Im not sure what all this means; but I am. I remember being 8 years old inn my house with a wonderful routine every Saturday or Sunday or Friday; and all that I was interested in exploring in my life.
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I was deveping; and then in fear I stopped development; now; I would like to get in touch with who I really am; learn to defend that person; stand up for that person and then take first steps toward my real objectives.... my life; protected.
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And meet who I am suppose to meet down that journey once I become me again. Im on the outside of that right now....
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So; I was taken from my home and never dealt with it; nothing; and I have to; the real me is in that home and those experiences; I need that real me back; and then once established; I start from their.
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This wont be easy; Ill have to pray about this so I can remember who I am; my memories of young; the important ones that bullies scared out of me so they could control me; and now I have to face that bulling in order to get those memories back.
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I have to keep working with God and let go of some people of the present. I must trust God and move forward away from those of the present; specific people.
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One of the problems is; im trying to grow and develop and they are getting in the way; im scared to be myself; more bulling or intimidation is what it is; they are fools and I dont want them around me; I have to keep working with God to keep growing right now.
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Lost development with women; Im trying to get that Time period back; 4th grade; 5th grade 6 grade... Its those time periods. 6th grade seems to be the time period that is hurting and im lost; and I have no memories; I can feel the pinch and I can see the bullies that bullied me all the time but my mind has shut the whole episode out. I was forced to leave the house I was being neglected in; I was living with my father and he could care less who I was; I was completely thrown away. So I had to move; I had a break down from reality; I had to move in with my mother the psychopath. She then sold the house and I had to move in with her again or something at the ocean; the coast I mean. And that was a horror nightmare and my mind wont open any of that up it was so gruesome. I was all alone and bullied in a new school; raining all the time; horrible. No friends in a complete state of horror and shock and dissociation. I had to hold everything in. Horrible. I was being bullied and dont remember the class rooms or anything; It was like a haunted house. It was not real; I mean; de realization . Horrible. But the bulling was intense on me and so much I cant remember; the fear or stress involved. Thats not why I was going to school to be bullied by people... I was in a state of humiliated shock.
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So; 6th grade is closed to me; so Im asking God to open it back up; I remember being on the rocky cove; over n over n over; praying and looking out at the water and wondering why; why was I their; I had this presumed Idea someone was looking...

[ Continued ]

i feel utterly depressed and hopeless, i cut. i cut, i drink or smoke stuff to get my mind off what i did to my legs. i wake up the next day, i feel kinda new again...but way guilty. i cut.
telling my husband about this last cut was so hard...i didn't know what the reaction would be or whether he would tell my psych i needed to stay in the hospital. he was so sad, but he took me home after the stitches and took such good care of me. i know this is taking a toll on him and it makes me feel so bad...thus the cycle continues.