"i am currently unsupervised.
i know, it freaks me out too.
but the possibilities are endless."

plus, i have a jug of pomegranate juice

I've been thinking about time. One day I will die, it's just a matter of time. My cats will die, my parents, my brothers and sister, me, and I'm not ok with that. If I grow old then will I be just another old man looking at younger people desiring to be back in my youth. I don't think its fair to have to die, I also don't think there is a higher power choosing though, that's what is so lonely about life, the fact that in the end nothing matters. Are feeling really just chemicals, is life really just being born and doing what ever comes most natural, then one day passing away just to be forgotten along with any good or bad I've done. Would it even matter in 100 years what I did, may be that's where killers decide what there doing has no mark, there just doing what thrills them now. May be the meaning of life is to just survive & have as much fun as we can doing it.

“Home Away From Home”

I’m house-sitting for a woman. She has a lot of stuff. It’s annoying and interesting. My boyfriend is a young Val Kilmer! This woman’s house is very near the ocean. There is furniture washing up onto her property & there are people outside trying to collect it.

I have just joined this website in search of answers to why I feel the way I do. I think I've suffered from OCD for years now but it's never been as bad as it is just now because bad anxiety is accompanying it this time. I don't know if this is HOCD/another of my ocd phases or real.

The first I remember anyting ocd like happening to me was when I was very young me parents were watching a murder tv show and I saw someone get murdered so every night after that I would go to my bed and every night I would check there was no one hiding in my room. Checking cupboards, wardrobes, under the bed, even places I knew no one would be able to fit I had to check. I would get back into bed then think "I've not looked properly" and have to get back out of bed and check all over again and again and again.

When I was a bit older I went through a phase of having to straighten everything. Everything had to be exact and facing the right way e.g tins in the kitchen cupboards(never alphabetical but always the right way)

As I got older Again went through a phase of having to do everything symmetrically(this may sound ridiculous) like if I touched something first with my right hand I would then have to touch it with my left hand but then I would think "the right hand touched that first" so then would have to repeat the action but touching it first with the left then right hand this time. I would then have to repeat the whole action again but starting left right and again right left so that I had done this action starting from the very start but this time starting with the left. I done this with a lot of things like tying shoes laces, putting on deodorant etc etc. This moved onto a phase were I would have to touch things in the exact same place with both hands.

Through out all these phases and to this day I still lock my door walk around the corner/drive round the corner and have to come back and check the door... Go away again knowing I've locked it and have to come back because I don't believe myself again and again. I do this with a lot of things e.g car hand brake, oven on etc.

Recently like past two months I've been having unwanted thoughts pretty badly and it's very annoying. A lot of HOCD thoughts like I constantly look At people I know even family membesr and people who are famously good looking and think "do I find him attractive" when I really know I don't but doubt myself like "why am I even asking myself that?" I've always been into girls and always seen myself with a wife in the future but I'm now thinking "is there a girl out there for me? Or is this how I find out that I'm actually gay" as I right this now I am not feeling too anxious but it's still in the back of my mind. When I'm driving I constantly think HOCD like thoughts like "what if I have to get a boyfriend" or think to myself "I really just want to be straight why am I thinking like this". Over the two months I've suffered this I've had good days and bad days but every morning I wake up feeling an awful dread then I ask myself "why do I feel like this" and instantly think "oh the gay thing". I feel this has started from a time a few months ago I went through a phase of smoking weed, taking pills and cocaine whilst partying. I work closely with a bisexual man who has a boyfriend currently and I remember a Rihanna song came on the radio and he asked me if I liked the song I said "yes" and he replied with "classic gay" I think this is where this has all come from but it's really depressing me some days to very bad suicidal thoughts.

I often get points where i feel very violent or get images of me hurting people on purpose and by accident. My friend recently had a baby and he asked if I wanted to hold him and I had to refuse incase I dropped him down a flight of stairs(that's the image I got even though we were upstairs in a building there were no stairs around)...

[ Continued ]

Im not around the right people; Im not protected! So; the beginning people Ive associated with to get better; socially better; they are not turning out to be what I thought they would be; its getting ugly!
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So; at some point; or; already; its time to move on!
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Its all around me; the wrong people or people turning bad on me! Im moving forward! they were never healthy people to associate with in the first place! And at some point they will bite!
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I have to work with the universe to bringing me through the gap and bringing me other people that can help take me to the next level
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Ive been here before! around the wrong people! Small town people! I have to back off now; they have no respect! And some are narcissists! And I have to learn not to associate with them; or things escalate!
I was on the disk golf course the other day and the group I was with; a few of them were bugging on me; and these were the ones with narcissistic tendencies! One called me a cheat because I went out of bounds a few times this a throw and apparently didnt finish my shot and moved on to the next whole; he claimed I should not go next because I cheated by not finishing the last whole! as if he really cares; he doesn't; but its a kind of gas lighting technique! Its a bit sadistic! I asked him if he was policing me! He claimed I was cheating and if thats how I wanted to play the game then thats that! of course; I dont care enough about disk gold to cheat or anything else! It means Im not safe; someone is looking for something to wedge in on an take over control! And in another situation; a women keeps trying to tell me where my disks are when I throw them; she's helping me out as if I cant find my own disks! Its a kind of intimidating badgering! a bulling technique! Why Im attracting such people; I dont know!
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The problem I have; I dont know enough people! Im not sure where to go or who to hang out with.
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I have tower with the universe on finding people! attracting people! This is very hard! its always been hard!
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People form opinions of me; its based on nothing; on superficial insanities! Its based on my symptoms; not on who I am!
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IVe liked girls from the meetings ive gone to; big big mistake! not a good place to pick up women! Not a good place for the universe to bring me women! no no no!
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Thew point is Im alone; and I have to work with the universe for this to change