I have just joined this website in search of answers to why I feel the way I do. I think I've suffered from OCD for years now but it's never been as bad as it is just now because bad anxiety is accompanying it this time. I don't know if this is HOCD/another of my ocd phases or real.
The first I remember anyting ocd like happening to me was when I was very young me parents were watching a murder tv show and I saw someone get murdered so every night after that I would go to my bed and every night I would check there was no one hiding in my room. Checking cupboards, wardrobes, under the bed, even places I knew no one would be able to fit I had to check. I would get back into bed then think "I've not looked properly" and have to get back out of bed and check all over again and again and again.
When I was a bit older I went through a phase of having to straighten everything. Everything had to be exact and facing the right way e.g tins in the kitchen cupboards(never alphabetical but always the right way)
As I got older Again went through a phase of having to do everything symmetrically(this may sound ridiculous) like if I touched something first with my right hand I would then have to touch it with my left hand but then I would think "the right hand touched that first" so then would have to repeat the action but touching it first with the left then right hand this time. I would then have to repeat the whole action again but starting left right and again right left so that I had done this action starting from the very start but this time starting with the left. I done this with a lot of things like tying shoes laces, putting on deodorant etc etc. This moved onto a phase were I would have to touch things in the exact same place with both hands.
Through out all these phases and to this day I still lock my door walk around the corner/drive round the corner and have to come back and check the door... Go away again knowing I've locked it and have to come back because I don't believe myself again and again. I do this with a lot of things e.g car hand brake, oven on etc.
Recently like past two months I've been having unwanted thoughts pretty badly and it's very annoying. A lot of HOCD thoughts like I constantly look At people I know even family membesr and people who are famously good looking and think "do I find him attractive" when I really know I don't but doubt myself like "why am I even asking myself that?" I've always been into girls and always seen myself with a wife in the future but I'm now thinking "is there a girl out there for me? Or is this how I find out that I'm actually gay" as I right this now I am not feeling too anxious but it's still in the back of my mind. When I'm driving I constantly think HOCD like thoughts like "what if I have to get a boyfriend" or think to myself "I really just want to be straight why am I thinking like this". Over the two months I've suffered this I've had good days and bad days but every morning I wake up feeling an awful dread then I ask myself "why do I feel like this" and instantly think "oh the gay thing". I feel this has started from a time a few months ago I went through a phase of smoking weed, taking pills and cocaine whilst partying. I work closely with a bisexual man who has a boyfriend currently and I remember a Rihanna song came on the radio and he asked me if I liked the song I said "yes" and he replied with "classic gay" I think this is where this has all come from but it's really depressing me some days to very bad suicidal thoughts.
I often get points where i feel very violent or get images of me hurting people on purpose and by accident. My friend recently had a baby and he asked if I wanted to hold him and I had to refuse incase I dropped him down a flight of stairs(that's the image I got even though we were upstairs in a building there were no stairs around)...
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