Right so I figure I may as well try out this blogging thingy.

To be honest its a crap day; and a crap week; crap few weeks actually; but particularly the last few days.

I've spent the weekend avoiding sexual contact with my girlfriend so that she doesn't realise I've started to harm again; and then blown little arguements up to huge proportions to buy some time on that. Bizarrely; I actually havn't cut since the realisation of how difficult it is to hide from a sexual partner.

But last night she came round to talk as things have been weird recently and she's apparently worried. She's noticed my eating pattern is strange. I think she thinks I'm just working to hard; and grabbing food on the go and then trying to healthy in between; which is her interpretation of the parts she has seen of my pruge binge cycle. She also said i seem down. (guess i'm not as good an actress as I thought I was). I was honest to a point; I was honest that I was having some problems with my weight and that I had put some on which wasn't helping the eating habits. But then she raised the fact that we hadn't had sex for nearly 3 weeks; and was hoping it wasn't because I was paranoid about what she had said a few weeks ago.

She gave me a perfect excuse; so I took it. She was there trying to make up after I had fallen out with her over an off hand comment that I had put on some weight; which I had only fell out with her over as a diversion tactic; and there she was giving me another perfect excuse. I wouldn't say I've lied... but I've been cruel and placed the fault for the downward turn in our sex life onto her.

The excuse she gave me was from a conversation a few weeks ago after we'd had sex; and I had bled slightly - which happens a lot. In frustration she had a vent about how annoying my scar tissue was and how much of a pain it was that she was always so conscious of not hurting me and all that. (with some unkind descriptions too) The comments hurt; but I've always had hangups about that so it wasn't particularly damming to me. But now she thinks it was.

Now I'm racked with guilt.

On top of that I don't think I've ever been more stressed at work; I've worked 12-15 hour days for months chasing a promotion; and now it looks really likely that someone underqualified, underexperienced that is gormless and inefficient is going to get it instead.

I feel really worthless right now; and like the world is looking at me like I'm something nasty they have just trodden in.

I have been struggling with accepting T's theory that we might all ne in the body of one. I see my sisters and the children, right before my eyes. I hear them speaking amongst themselves, with me and they also talk to one another individually. The children do not stop to bicker and complaint all the time. The logic does not seem to mesh. I understand there is a complication in conveying all of our opinions all at once, and that we need to resort to writing things in a notebook. Writing memos, but I am still trying to figure out why the T continues to ask me the same questions. "Do you see them, do they speak to you, are they different than you?" Yesss, yesss and yesss, OMG !! ugh ! If we are all here then there is nothing more to say to me about the topic. This topic is mute and I do not look forward to visiting T's office to answer the same questions about bodies and hearing and such. So many other fruitful topics and she can't seem to move past this one. I am the patient but she is the loopy one.
~ Lola Lola

RR 100%
19 days sober
Sorry for no entry yesterday. I did do a 20 minute recovery outreach call yesterday though which was good. Feeling tired and jaded today. Work is really taking a toll on me. Had today off as part of the weekend as usual. Went to a 12 step meetin earlier. I think the meetings are really helping with my resolve to not act out. Hopefully with more rest tomorrow I will feel more refreshed on Monday. I'm going through a tough period at work but I am learning and evolving and I have plans in place to help me. If I can stay sober until Monday that will be 3 weeks sober.

I did skip the ap and I feel better. Last night was very rough. Things just didn't go the way that they should have.

BUT I made it through and I'm okay now.

Hey guys. My name is Jessica. I'm 15, almost 16 years old and I live with both of my parents, my grandmother (on my dads side), and my sister. All my life I have always thought something was off about my family, but I brushed it off of my shoulders until just a couple months ago. My family is always fighting. Whether it be what we have for dinner, what was done around the house, what I did/didn't do, it's constant fighting everyday. And the main portion of it is because of my mother. At the drop of a hat she is either screaming at the top of her lungs or crying because no one appreciates her and what she does around the house. She was born three months premature and has something called Chiari Malformation. The basics of it is that the skull is to hard for the brain to hold so the brain starts "sinking" onto the brain stem; it causes seizures, high Inter Cranial Pressure (ICP), and a whole bunch of other problems. (it's hard to explain, so if you need more information, please look it up). My sister moved back in with us about 5 months ago and we have been talking about how my home life isn't exactly "normal." My mom overreacts all the time!!! I do online school and if I have an "A" in a class and it suddenly goes down to a "B," she flips out and starts yelling at me for no rhyme or reason. Her and I have gotten in several fights, some screaming matches across the house. Her and I were at my friends house who had just gotten in a severe Dirt Bike accident and we were helping out around the house...well that all went down hill when she saw my Eyeliner. After doing a bunch of house work, you would expect your eyeliner to be smeared, right? Well I guess my mom didn't like that. Here's how that whole "fight" went down:
Mom-"Your eyeliner is smeared...on both eyes Jessica."
Me-"Oh, thanks mom."
Mom-"You know, I really hate that eyeliner. Every time I turn around it's smeared."
Me-"Oh, sorry mom. But I like the eyeliner."
(that got her super upset. This is when she flew off the handle screaming)
Mom-"I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE IT! I DON'T LIKE IT! AND DON'T WANT YOU WEARING IT ANYMORE!"
(by this time I wasn't exactly calm, but I also wasn't screaming at the top of my lungs)
Me-"Well I'm sorry that you don't like it, Mom! But I do!"
Mom-"WHO BUYS IT FOR YOU! HUH?"
Me-"Umm, I do! Except for this last time you bought it because I didn't have any money on me!!!"
Mom-"YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR TONE OF VOICE WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ME!"
Me-"What tone of voice?! I don't have a tone...." (I did a little)
After that, she took in a deep breath, her lips pursed together like she was about to hit something. Well, sadly, that something just so happened to be me. She punched me in my arm. It hurt a little and it was enough force to push me back a couple feet. My sister, Neal (friend that got in the accident), and his mom, were all witness to this unfortunate event. Shocked by what just happened, in a calm voice, I simply said, "I'm grabbing the stuff that we need, and I am going to pack up our car to head on home." Still furious with my "tone of voice" she turned around to face me screaming, "WELL GOOD! GO OUTSIDE!"
After that, I realized something was really wrong with my mom...her crazy outbursts and her displays of excessive emotionality, I finally looked up personality disorders with my sister. (My sister has a past with my mom. My sister and I are 13 years apart and knew a side of my mom I never did. And that side was violent. Punching, slapping, cursing, anything you name, I'm sure my sister experienced it). Histrionic Personality Disorder, also known as HPD....My sister and I found that my mom fits the criteria to a "T." I don't know what to do. All I am asking for is a little advice. I don't know what to do. Any suggestion??? ...

[ Continued ]